JM,
Thanks for sharing all of that, I especially loved your saying that there is no limit to the depth the relationship with your T can go to. And how powerful it is for you to be so accepted and cared for and when you've revealed so much of yourself to her. How incredibly healing it must be to reveal what you feel like is the worst of you (due to all that shame which I am positive is not justified) and be met with care and understanding.

quote:

She is the same she has always been I am just able to experience it more clearly than ever before ...

That is SO exactly it!! I think in the beginning I had no capacity to actually take in how my T really was with me. I was too overwhelmed with what I expected to have room for what was really happening. I am so happy for you that you are able to experience her more fully and take in that there finally is someone to worry about your needs, to accept you and care for you and be safe and secure for you. This is the whole point.

AG

((((JM))))

I am so glad that you are able to feel secure and cared for in your relationship with your T. I'm glad that you are able to experience that more fully. I am also inspired to hear that you and AG feel that your ability to experience more of what your T has to offer has time has gone on and hopeful I will one day reach that point.

I hope your feelings help sustain you through this T break.

JM

I am so happy for you (and probably a little jealous too). Your words express the absolute relief and comfort that your T has created in you. What a nice feeling for you to hold on to during this difficult break in therapy. I know this will get you through next week.

Your comment about your T being the same, but you changing makes me look at my relationship with my T a little differently. After two years of seeing her, I have just recently begun to let her in to some very deep stuff. There is a lot more in there and I guess if I just realize that she is still there for me as she always has been, I will be able to let more out.

Wow, what I would give for a hug from my T. I've never asked because I am afraid of the answer and I will be crushed. Of course I understand about boundaries, but I take things so personally.

PL

Thanks everyone for your warm response and for allowing me to share.It means a lot to me when I am not so sure how clear I am being in my mental fog.

quote:

I think in the beginning I had no capacity to actually take in how my T really was with me. I was too overwhelmed with what I expected to have room for what was really happening.

Don't mind me as I analyze eventhough I am stuck in the "what word am I looking for" mode and getting lost in the "what was my point?"

To add to your thought AG I was thinking (or at least attempting to think if that's what they still call it at this point)In the beginning they barely know us either. While they determine if they can work with us or not, much of the therapeutic process, though a generally proven method, is quite individual. I think the relationship mutually grows through limbic resonance. I am sure this is an obvious statement, but maybe something we tend forget is just as true in our therapeutic relationship as with any other relationship.

Am I way out there on this one? Feel free to reel me in if I am.

quote:

Wow, what I would give for a hug from my T. I've never asked because I am afraid of the answer and I will be crushed. Of course I understand about boundaries, but I take things so personally.

I didn't know for years and even when I knew it was ok once in a while, I didn't know if she would one day put the breaks on it for me. It's rather laughable to say that out loud. "No, you've had enough hugs in your lifetime. You can't have any more you needy little twit." Gees, that would make no sense.

But what does make sense is our fear of rejection and the pain we know that comes from it. Perhaps a more generic question as to her "hug policy" would be a less direct feeling of rejection if the answer is no across the board. But that has to be your determination of what you are ready for. My T thinks it is very important that I learn to ask for what I need and to be able experience having that need fulfilled. I am sure that is fairly common as far as clients go, but it is often the up to the discretional theory of the therapist.

JM

I am so happy that your relationship with your T is so full. This does not go without saying that all the hard work that you have put into it has made it so wonderful.

quote:

While they determine if they can work with us or not

That statement just hits home as my T at one point said she wasn't sure if she would be able to work with me or not. I was very closed. She stuck with me and now we have a good working relationship. I trust her totally. I have pulled away in some regards as the feelings I was having for her were scaring me, but I still will tell her anything.

OT While I was seeing her I had a major aha moment when I was working in the garden with the cucumber plants. We talked about it, and it comes up quite often as that was when I found total peace for a moment. It is quite significant. To make a long story short, I gave her a pic of cucumber plants in a X-mas card on my last visit, and she was overwhelmed. It was sort of cool. She really appreciated it. Made me feel really good and special.

Kats

quote:

In the beginning they barely know us either. While they determine if they can work with us or not, much of the therapeutic process, though a generally proven method, is quite individual. I think the relationship mutually grows through limbic resonance. I am sure this is an obvious statement, but maybe something we tend forget is just as true in our therapeutic relationship as with any other relationship.

JM, I absolutely agree. It wasn't clear when it was happening and I know my T has mentioned that neither of us knew where the relationship would take us, but looking back I can see how we've grown together. As I have shown my T more, in turn, his reactions have become more and more what I needed. We are a much better "fit" now than when we started. The strongest area I can see this in is humor. We have some running jokes now which I love because humor is so important to me. And the research on attachment has bourne this out. The attachment relationship is "co-created" with both partners affecting each other. This is as true of therapy as it is in parenting. In a similar fashion I think we change a lot more, just as a child does in relationship to their parent, but they change too.

The other thing I find comforting about that thought is the realization that we're not just one of their patients. We are ourselves, and the relationship we have with our T is unique. The fact that they may have intimate relationshps with other patients or other people outside of therapy does NOT invalidate the intimacy that we experience with them.

Puppy Lover,
I'm actually one of those people who has a T with a no hug policy. But we never talked about it until I asked. It was a little easier to handle knowing it's an across the board prohibition for all clients, so it wasn't me personally. But my asking was really important because what I needed was not so much to get a hug as to be able to ask for one. I did have enough sense to ask at the beginning of a session because I suspected the answer would be no and I didn't want to have to just walk out. But we spent the whole session talking about why it was so important to me, and exactly why he felt it was important to say no. We did really good work and I actually consider it to be one of the turning points of my therapy. I don't want to say it wasn't painful to deal with, but its honestly no longer an issue. Just wanted to share from another perspective other than that lucky dog JM! (OK, maybe I'm still a little envious. )

Kats,
I love the story about the cucumber card and I really understand why your T loved it. I think that a therapist's real joy is in seeing their client grow. To be reminded of that, and to know that you're aware of it had to be really touching.

AG

Super incredibly awesome session tonight with my T. I’ve been confused, foggy lately about our relationship: is it real? How does it work? What is the purpose of me feeling like a child when I am with her? It took me a while to get all of these questions out in a coherent manner but when I finally did I got some very moving responses back. First I asked her if she ever felt like a child when she was in therapy. This is the first time I have ever asked her about her personal therapy experience. She said, “Yes, definitely, I was just flashing back to that as you were describing how you felt." As far as how the relationship works and why it helps she basically said all of the same stuff that has been posted on this forum again and again (so skip this part if you want.) She explained that having a relationship now that meets my needs that were not fulfilled when I was a child will help me to be able to trust other people, ask for what I need and have intimate relationships. Our relationship won’t fix the past but it can heal the wounds left by it by experiencing being able to trust, depend, and have my needs met over and over until it all sinks in. This is by no means a linear process but I am a linear thinker so any backtracking or repeating stuff seems to me as if I am going backwards (hence the fogginess) but I am not really.

The best part was when she explained how rare it was for someone to do this kind of deep therapy work. She has had three practices in three different cities and she said that current location has been by far the fewest. She said she feels very honored that I will go to such a vulnerable place with her and trust her and that it feels like she’s walking on sacred ground. She also expressed that our relationship is important and special to her. I was tempted but didn’t ask if there was anyone else she was working with like this right now and she most likely wouldn't have told me anyway and in retrospect it is better that I don't know so that I don’t start thinking about the other clients in her life. She said I have done a lot of hard work this year and adding marital on top of it just adds to the difficulty but she thinks I am strong enough to do both.

Finally we talked about her vacation and how understandable it is for me to worry about how I will get through it. It can feel like being abandoned all over again which is an all too familiar feeling. I think she tried to help me not feel this way by asking if I wanted to take something from her office with me over the break. First she offered me this nice smooth stone in the shape of a heart which I accepted. She then asked if I wanted anything else. She suggested this weird bronze hand statue thing - I said no, then she offered an angel coin thing - I reminded her that she already gave me one about a month ago. Then I said (like I had just thought of it but of course I was thinking about JM) “How about a pillow?” So now I actually have a pillow to keep me company for the next two weeks.

Last spring when she was gone over spring break I had knitted her a lace scarf and I have been wanting so badly to give it to her but it hasn't been cold enough here for her to wear it until now. I showed it to her and told her I made it for her and wanted to give it to her but she hesitated and I knew she wasn’t going to accept it so before she responded I asked her if she would borrow it over the break so that I know she has it. She asked if I was sure I didn’t want to hang on to it and of course I said no. I want her to wear it and enjoy it and then I can picture her doing that. (I didn’t tell her this last part.) She agreed to borrow it and gave me a big hug. She loved that the lace pattern is called “Branching Out.” I knew she would like that and it is the reason I picked that pattern. It is a beautiful green lace scarf made from a cotton/cashmere blend that is really soft. She promised she would wear it and that really made me feel good. Anyway by the end of the session I was so taken by getting the pillow and feeling so much better about our relationship that I forgot to give her the check. I wonder if I should mail it? Maybe I’ll just wait and give it to her when I see her on the 5th. I actually feel OK about not seeing her until the 5th! I hope this happy secure feeling lasts. I am finally getting what AG and JM have been talking about!

River I just had to comment and say that you really did have an awesome session. I am happy for you. Not only did your T validate your relationship and making it feel real to you but she also gave you a lot of praise about the work you are doing together.

Aside from all that which would be wonderful on its own you got a HUG and A PILLOW and a HEART. Any one of those things would have me floating on a cloud for weeks. I was just thinking that I have nothing from my T and how having some little thing from him would help me to get through these next days. I've been feeling so off balance by the fact that he had a routine surgery. And then I feel like an idiot for feeling that way.

I'm glad you are feeling okay about waiting for the 5th. I would just give her the check then.

TN

River,
If you only knew how happy I am for you and if you could see this big grin streaming across my face you'd know it. I have to admit I woke up in a bad state that carried over from last night and I was intent to write about how bad I am feeling and I read your post first and it made me feel so good for you that I could put my own hurt aside temporarily. It is so good to hear when others are able to have sessions like that. It is quite a milestone. And I noticed many things that you mentioned that feel so significant for you, but you got the pillow. I am not jealous at all, I have much to hold onto myself, but I sure would love to have her pillow. I was thinking about her pillows when I first woke up this morning. I am so happy for you. In just the time I've known you I can tell that you have really done a lot of hard work that resulted in this session. It is nice that your T praised you the way that she did. You deserve that.

Thanks so much for sharing. Isn't it nice to have these feelings to hold onto to?
JM

TN,
You're not an idiot and while this is a routine surgery your T is having, there is nothing routine with the way you feel about him. With the way you feel about him that would normally put you in a place where you would naturally want to be by his side, waiting in the waiting room and seeing him in recovery. Eventhough we don't have that kind of physical relationship with our T like famiily, our love and attachment is very profound and it makes sense that you feel out of balance when you can't justify your strong urge to be there when you can't be there.

My husband just had hernia surgery last week. Very routine OP procedure, but I still worried slightly and breathed a sigh of relief when the Dr. told me everything turned out ok. There is always an element of fear even with the most simple and routine procedures.

I think it was a year ago last summer when my T had a bicycle accident and broke her wrist and had to have surgery. I was very concerned for her and when I seen her at my next session and the poor thing was slightly looped on pain killers and yet still in some amount of pain I still felt very concerned as valiant as she was about it. it's only natural when our T's take on this big persona in our lives. It's very much like little children feel about their parents. When you see or know of their vulnerable side you shift just a little until you know that everything is ok to return to where you need to be. So it's ok TN. Hang in there and give yourself some credit for being where you are. I think you're pretty amazing.
JM

River,
Reading your post was like getting an early Christmas present! That is so awesome and I am so happy for you. You have been working really hard, walking into a lot of pain, and I'm so glad you're seeing the reward for that. Your T sounds like a wonderful woman. I'm really glad she was able to validate so many of your feelings and meet you with understanding. And TN is right, any one of those things, the stone, the pillow or the hug, would be amazing. To have all three is wonderful.

I hope that happy secure feeling stays with you for a long time, you really deserve to feel it. And if its not too presumptuous, would you allow me to say I'm really proud of you? It's such a priviledge to watch everyone's journeys.

Happy Dance!!!

AG

River

That is so awesome the session you had. Just made me feel all warm inside. It is so nice when we get that connection and are able to feel it, and to know that it is real. I so understand about wanting to have something of T's for the break. Mine lent me a book and that feels special.

I am so very happy for you.


Kats

Yes, I am feeling very "rich" right now having received so much from T last night. I feel like the kid in that movie that got the BB gun for Christmas. I am very grateful for everything she said and did because it does give me a lot to hang onto since she will be completely unreachable until I see her again. Thank you all for your warm thoughts and words. I am glad that as much as we grieve along side each other we can also rejoice together. I wish I could do more to share what I have been given with all of you because we all deserve to loved and accepted. Of course we are all in different places of being able to feel it and take it in, hold onto it and believe it is true. My thoughts are with many of you who are feeling like you don't have enough of your T to help get you trough the week let alone a longer holiday break. We are bound together here and will all do what we can to help each other through.

River - That is awesome. Your warm peaceful feelings are permeating through the computer. You made me feel very warm and cozy. Since I should be seeing my T today, but am not, I think I'll just curl up in a corner with the book she gave me to read. I may read some of it, or I may just hug it and think of her.

Thanks for sharing your wonderful story.

PL