quote:

I want to hear her tell me it's not my fault.

OW

It is so hard for a mom to see her children suffer and not blame herself. I have been doing that for 2 yrs. My son has had a very difficult time and caused quite a bit of trauma for me. My T and my husband repeatedly tell me that it wasn't my fault. I have yet to completely buy into that. I can see their point of view, but I feel like I let him down. Maybe someday I will truly believe that I could not have prevented it. Please try to tell yourself that you did the best you could.

I miss my T. I have also been out of town. I was out walking the other day and I could swear I saw her. I know that it probably wasn't her, but this woman had so many things about her that were similar. I wanted so much to go up to her and stare at her face, but what would I do then? If it wasn't her, I would be embarrassed. If it was her, I would be embarrassed. So I keep wondering. Maybe she will tell me in my next session. I doubt it.

I hope that your son gets the best treatment plan possible and becomes healthy soon. I will be thinking of you on Monday. Let's try to stay strong together.

PL

quote:

I can't stop thinking about it. It seems like everything I see reminds me, everywhere we go.

It is pure torture isn't it. It feels like I am being haunted. I too live in a small town and whenever I'm out I'm hyper-vigilant hoping but also dreading running into her or worse her and her family or friends.

I've felt this way about a boss I had and a professor and I think it was much, much harder because there was a possibility of friendship with them where there is none with my T. Plus then I didn't know it was transference - I just thought that we must be "kindred spirits" or something. I am shy though so I never put myself out there far enough to fully expose my obsession with either of them. The hard part now with T is that I am supposed to talk about my obsession with her and that has been almost completely impossible.

ADVICE ALERT - if you don't want any then skip this paragraph! After this last appointment the temptation of seeing your son's T will probably be harder since she won't be treating you or your son anymore. But if she hasn't responded to your offers of friendship by now then it may be best to make a clean break, mourn the loss, and try to look ahead. I agree that you need more support. It sounds like you are going through a really rough time with your son. I don't know how many times my T keep telling me the same thing until I broke down once in tears cause I had been working my ass off trying to make friends and find support but this is a slow process for me especially when I am anxious and depressed.

I hope you can find some peace with this soon or at least a very effective distraction. It is gut wrenching pain and even harder when no one around you won't possibly understand any of it.

((Open Windows))

Thanks for your offer to stay strong together PL, I'll take you up on it.

I'm pretty sure I did the best I could and I really believe that. I'm sure I've made mistakes and I would do much better if given another chance, but I've done more than a lot of parents would or could do in the same situation. My biggest problem is the most recent crisis, which happened last summer and has turned our lives upside down.

In order to explain it I should probably just come out and tell more of the story... so here it is. (This has to do with sexual abuse and is difficult for me write about, I hope it's not triggering or difficult for anyone else.)

My son touched my daughter inappropriately. As far as we know it was a one-time incident that lasted 30 seconds at the most. He has high-functioning autism and/or severe ADHD, is very impulsive and doesn't have a grasp on boundaries at all. I told his therapist what happened against my husband's wishes, and she had to report it to DHS. My husband blames me for DHS getting involved and for our son being referred for this evaluation, and him possibly getting sent away or being labeled as a sexual offender.

I'm a sexual abuse survivor myself, so this is one of my worst nightmares come to life.

River - it is torture. I wish I could just stop thinking about it. My son's T has sort of responded to my offers of friendship. She has told me she would love to be friends if it weren't for the way we met. She had mentioned a couple of times about the 2-year no contact rule (and I've told her I don't want to not talk to her for 2 years). She has said other things, and sometimes I think I'm just reading into it but other times I'm not so sure. We haven't really talked about it since I had my really bad weekend and sent some really needy emails (and she said she didn't know how to respond). I want to talk to her, to get it out in the open, but I haven't (I'm afraid of what she'd say/think, and my current T recommends against it).

Like you, I'm trying really hard to make friends but it would take me years and that doesn't help me right now.

(((OW)))
I am so sorry for all you are enduring. No wonder it feels torturous. But in my opinion you did the right thing to tell your T what happened and eventhough it was a 30 second one time thing, if not dealt with could turn into more. Being a responsible parent isn't always easy or popular. It may seem to have negative effects right now, but that will fade in time. If it is "ignored" then it will only become a bigger problem. At least that's the way I see it. Your heart must be so divided, even fragmented, but the fact is, you did what you believed is the best thing for "both" of your children. No one can fault you for that.

I can understand how your son's T seemed like the only friend in the world to you. I also hope you feel the many friendships available to you here eventhough they are of a cyber sense, I hope they feel real. Right now your sons T is not able to offer you anything with stability, so I would be inclined to continue developing a trusting relationship with your T.

Everything tells me that you are trying to be a good and responsible parent. You are giving your children a much better chance than what you had to start out with.

Hold strong! I will be thinking of you and your family tomorrow.

The appointment is over and now we just wait to see what their assessment recommends. My husband told the therapist exactly what he thought of the whole thing, how he thought I never should have reported it and he still thinks it was the wrong thing to do. The therapist agreed with pretty much everything I said, so that made me feel better. Didn't change my husband's mind, but at least there's one more person who thinks I'm not overreacting and that my husband has his head in the sand. I'm not sure how it went with my son because we weren't in the room.

HB - Thank you for wishing me strength. It really did help me and I thought of you guys when my husband was talking over me to give his opinion. I was able to be strong enough to speak my mind and let them know what I thought.

JM - thanks for backing me up. I like to hear others tell me I did the right thing because while I know I did, it's good to hear it over and over again so I don't start doubting myself. I do feel the friendships available here, and like I said earlier, when I needed to find the strength to voice my opinion (it's hard to do with my husband because he talks and talks and then talks loudly when someone is not agreeing with him), I thought of everyone here and how strong you all are, and I was able to do it.

You're right about my son's T not being able to offer anything with stability. That is so true and I really haven't thought about it like that before.

I am able to trust my new T - there hasn't been anything I'm afraid to talk to her about and I really don't hold back my thoughts in therapy. I hope it continues to develop, and I hope I start to feel like I'm getting something positive out of it.

OW

OW,
I'm really sorry I didn't respond earlier, my computer time has been few and far between recently, and I missed this thread.

May I tell you how deeply I respect you for your integrity in handling this situation? I suffered childhood sexual abuse and I cannot imagine anything more horrible than what you're going through. It really is a nightmare come true. But yet you faced it squarely, refused to stick your head in the sand and did the right thing. What an immensely difficult thing to do especially in the face of your husband's disagreement. You really are an incredible woman. Thank you so much for what you did. You did what so many of us needed, someone to speak up and not try to hide the truth.

I hope the assessment results are good, but no matter what happens, we'll be here.

AG

AG - Thank you. That means a lot to me.

(((((OW)))))

I'm glad the session is over for you today. I am sure that was hard, yet at least you felt assured of the T's backing. I am sorry your husband is being difficult about it, but of course this is hard on him and how he feels is NO reflection on you no matter how he states it and raises his voice! Perhaps he feels helpless and he just doesn't know where to go with it.

Please feel free to talk more if you need anyone to listen. We are all here for you.
JM

PS I completely agree with what AG said:

quote:

You did what so many of us needed, someone to speak up and not try to hide the truth.

I'd like to add that what may be percieved as innocent touching between siblings, or in my case cousins, if not dealt with can leave tormenting emotional scars. You did the right thing and I am confident and hopeful that they will help your son in the proper degree where he needs it. And it tells your daughter (no matter what age) that she is important and you will protect her at all costs. I wish my parents would have protected me instead of sweeping things under the rug as harmless exploration. Do they have any idea how far it eventually went and for how many years it went on and how it left me wide open for older perpetrators? Again, you did what was best. This does not make your son a monster, just in case that thought ever enters your mind.

Thanks again JM.

I don't think my son's a monster but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything I could to help him. If I did nothing, and then he grew up to be a sexual predator, I would be letting him down as much as I would be letting my daughter down or any other potential vicitm. I want to give him the best chance possible to be a happy, functioning, well-adjusted adult.

My husband thinks I am risking my son's future (getting DHS and the courts involved) in favor of protecting my daughter from something that probably would never happen again, but I don't look at it like that. This is as much for him as it is for her.

JM and AG - I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were a child. I wish someone had been there for all of us. I had 4 or 5 adults who knew that my father was abusing me and my sister, and they did absolutely nothing. I wasn't going to risk that happening to my daughter. So it was never a question of whether or not I would go to my son's T, even with my husband disagreeing very loudly. That wasn't difficult at all.

The hard part is dealing with everything that has followed, from my marriage almost falling apart to me opening myself up so deeply with my son's T to everything from my childhood coming back up to the surface.

OW

((((OW))))

I just wanted to let you know how amazing it is that you could tell the truth about your son and daughter to get them help. I also had parents who did absolutely nothing about my brother who abused me as a child. I didn't tell them until after it had stopped and they told me they would get me help but then did nothing and never mentioned it again.

I hope the assessment results are good and your marriage and family can heal.

OW... I'm so sorry I somehow missed this thread. I want to add that I think you are incredibly courageous to have taken the step that you did. It must have been terribly difficult but you needed to protect your daughter and in the long run you did something that could also help your son. It is so hard to make the unpopular choices and risk a spouse's wrath along with all the other things you are dealing with. But you did the right thing. Please know you have all of our support here on the Board and I hope things work out with your husband and your family will eventually heal.

Big cyber hug
TN

OW,

I feel for everything that you have been through. I can only imagine the pain, and frustration you are feeling. You sound like an very strong and courageous woman.

I just want to let you know that I am thinking of you, and wishing you well.

Kats.

Wow, I am overwhelmed with all of your responses. Thank you all so much.

I wasn't feeling very strong or courageous before, but now I am.

OW

Good because you're both.