Oh, TN! ((((hugs))) I hear you. I am listening. I know it hurts and feels like it will never heal, but your new T really cares. He is holding you in that care. And if he doesn't understand, I guarantee he will want you to help him understand. I am on my phone about to head into my own session, so I can't write all I want to say right now, but I wanted to let you know I am here, listening and I can hear...or feel even...how impossible it feels to take another step bearing up under all this weight. It's too heavy! I hear you. You are not alone. Sending my love and prayers your way.

Thanks Yaku. Good luck in your session.

Hugs
TN

oh, no, TN- that is awful news. I feel so badly for you. I wish it will be possible for you to have your closure session with oldT. However I believe that your T is acting in your very best interests by allowing, but not "cheering enthusiastically" for the closure session, still it must make you feel so angry and so powerless. Hm- think of the "stepdad" analogy- if you had an abusive or neglectful dad, and stepdad made it so you will go back to see him one time more, you could get seriously hurt, even though you want so much to do that since your love does not just disappear just because somebody hurt you badly. So your T has to try (as best he is able) to protect you in ways that nobody ever protected you before. That means that he also has to have an opinion of his own about what he thinks is best for you, even though because of the love and longing you feel for your "old home"- it hurts like crazy. It's a tricky situation and a very difficult one, as I see it. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions, yet, when we go to a T, we do put ourselves somewhat into their hands and let them treat us. Of course it disturbs your trust, that your T is not pushing to make this meeting happen and at the old office- I think you were very brave to bring it up and to state how you were feeling about it. remember though, that it is *not* your T who is actively keeping you away from oldT's office and the closure meeting- it is oldT himself and his advisors. I understand how awful it feels. As far as the "home" comment goes- yes that would have been scary to hear, the timing of hearing it without being able to work it through was unfortunate (though not your fault since you were in that situation of needing to work somthing out badly before you left-) and would make you feel like running away from your T. Just give it some time- I think you will be able to see the spirit his comment was meant in in time, and feel it too, but maybe not for some time- for now you have other things to deal with. Just try to make sure you are taking care of the basics for now, at home. It will be ok- you've come through so much, and you will come through this too, though it will be difficult. I hear that you are feeling like giving up, but giving up isn't your style really. I need to take a page from your book on that one.

hugs, xo,

BB

(((((TN)))))
I have no time - need to regroup after a v busy day at work!! Can I just say, if I had a new T, who knew everything that had happened with another T - read another T's 'crap' version of everything that happened between him and me and then offered "this is your home now" I would fall to pieces with "OMG, this newT cares/understands and 'knows' it wasn't me" feelings/tears/emotions!! BWDIK?? Your oldT had no right to make contact outside of your newT - he has played you ((TN)) imho - yet again!! No wonder you are feeling completely adrift!! PLEASE this has nothing to do with your newT - imo - I have to go now but needed to say this to you fwiw!!
love
Morgs

PS - that fu#king oldT knows how to play you very well ((TN)) - 'please' don't fall for his tricks!!!

TN,

I'm lurking about, but wanted to comment and lend my support here. I'm so sorry that oldT continues to mess with you and that you aren't able to get what you feel you need in order to have closure. I have to admit that I was thinking along the lines of what BG said. Is it possible that you and your T could have a session at oldT's office, but oldT could sit out for most of the session and perhaps only come in for say a designated period of time? I really don't see why it would be an issue as long as your current T is there the entire time with you. I know that your T's comment really hurt, but I also don't think that it is irreparable and I think all of that anger about his comment about his office being your home now is anger at oldT for abandoning you and making you leave your old home. I know you know this, but I thought I'd say it anyway.

I hear you and I understand why you are so upset, adrift and frustrated. I hope that things get resolved soon so that you can start to heal and put this horrible experience behind you.

(((hugs)))

(((((TN)))))

I had the same thought as BG and STRM, that maybe new T could take you back there and if OldT is uncomfortable with seeing you there, he could sit out. And, then maybe you and OldT can meet in New T's office. You could get what you want, just not exactly as you want it, a little different, in a way that's comfortable for everyone.

TN, I know you are angry at NewT but I hear him pulling you to him, trying to protect you from this Old T, who doesn't seem to have any insight into what you need and continues to cause more harm.

Sorry about your son. Hope he is feeling better. Hope you can get some rest. Maybe you will feel a little better after you get some rest.

(((HUGS)))

Liese

Thanks Yaku for hearing me.

BB... I am doing my best to keep up with things at home and at work (and school). It has been really hard to focus on anything lately. I think what makes me so angry at my T is that he is NOT listening to me and he just yesses me to death to just shut me up. And it just makes me really angry when someone tells me what to think/feel. Like I cannot do that on my own. Like him telling me "this is your home now". I never said it was my home and I resent him saying that to me. I don't want to hear that. I have accepted that I have to see HIM and not oldT because I've been banished, but I have not changed my opinion of where home is or isn't and it is NOT there. THAT is an office, not a home.

And yes, oldT is keeping me away and trying to avoid a meeting. NewT is not helping as he could to try to arrange this meeting. He could put some pressure on oldT to meet but he thinks I can't handle it and so what does that say about me? He must think I'm in really bad shape if I cannot handle meeting oldT. Evidently, I have made NO progress in his eyes.

Morgs thanks for commenting. Just to clarify... oldT made contact with me because I initiated it not him. I want that meeting and was trying to get him to agree with me.

BG... STRM.... Liese...thanks for the suggestions on how to handle this. The problem is that my T does NOT seem to want to go to oldT's office whether he is there or not. I thought of this option and while it is not really what I want it would be something, especially if the dog was there to say good-bye to. I miss him so much. I just want to hug him one last time and give him a treat.

I honestly feel that if I'm never allowed this closure I will never truly and fully heal from the hell I have been through with this. I will only ever be half alive for whatever if left of my life. And no one seems to care but me they are too worried about all the psychobabble stuff they read in books and cannot see ME and what I need.


TN

Dearest TN, I hear you- that comment would have pissed me off too. And stuffing your feelings about it in favour of thinking everything is 100 percent perfect with newT is not going to help you to address this. I hope that you can see how well you are doing- try not to put too much pressure on yourself right now to "get it all done." I know that's hard. It makes perfect sense to be pissed off at the system and that your needs are falling through the cracks here- it's totally unfair. You simply need to go back and say goodbye- that's really not asking anybody to move worlds for you, really it isn't. I think that your new T is concerned about a setback, but what it sounds like you need is for him to bravely embrace any of the pain that would come up after the closure meeting- be with you in it, not protect you from having to feel it- is that right?

BB

TN - I hate being told how to feel too. I know your T wants what he thinks is best for you, but it is really invalidating to be talked to in that way...to be not believed about your needs. I had my needs invalidated constantly throughout my life. So whenever T doesn't seem to believe or agree that I need something or it is good for me, even if he is doing what he thinks is best/safest for me, it really hurts. It hurts so bad that I am still dealing with the repercussions of the last time that happened over a month ago, as you know...

((((TN)))) Here with you.

quote:

You simply need to go back and say goodbye- that's really not asking anybody to move worlds for you, really it isn't. I think that your new T is concerned about a setback, but what it sounds like you need is for him to bravely embrace any of the pain that would come up after the closure meeting- be with you in it, not protect you from having to feel it- is that right?

Beebs... you are brilliant. That is it exactly.

I was just coming here to comment on something AG wrote on another thread (Mayo's I think) about the whole attachment/getting needs met scenario as babies/children.

I think what is happening is that my T is doing exactly what my mother did... preventing me from going out on my own because I might get hurt and thus preventing me from taking the the steps I need for closure. When I was growing up I learned never to try anything where I could either possibly fail or horrors ... get hurt. Whenever I got hurt my mother would totally freak out and start screaming at me. I actually would get hit for getting hurt as a kid so I learned NEVER to venture out, never to try anything. I was made to be afraid to live. I have struggled with this fear all my life. I am trying to change that. To face down fears and to confront things that are uncomfortable or could "hurt".

My T is acting like my unhealthy over protective mother who does not want me to get hurt BECAUSE HE does NOT want to deal with the fallout or the damage to "his work" as he calls me (which BTW pisses me off because I sound like some inanimate painting or sculpture or something).

As I'm seeing things now he is just reenacting my childhood, something he accuses oldT of doing. He is no better.

Thanks Beebs. And thanks Yaku for recognizing how it hurts to have your feelings invalidated.

Hugs
TN

Hi TN,

I must say that I do agree with what everyone else has said, however, one thing in your first post struck me..

QUOTE

"When I shared this with my T last week he said HE is the only one who decides if it's appropriate for me to have a closure session with oldT as he is my clinician not the "advisors"."

I would have thought that decision would be yours to make, not your T's, however well intentioned he is...sorry if I have misunderstood..

Sorry you are not feeling heard right now

Take care, Faith xx

Hold it right there, TN- I think your T is nothing like your old one- the measure of him is that he will be able to handle all your feelings about this- old T would not have, but would have taken it all personally and it would have caused a problem. I bet you 50 dollars that your T will be able to address these feelings and resentments towards his person and his responses to you on these issues non-defensively and without "punishing" you. What do you think, though- that's what the most important thing is.. how do you suspect he would handle the convo you need to have with him about this?

BB

He's protective of you- that's for sure- a little counter-transference happening possibly...he's said you need to talk to him and tell him if this ever happens..

Hi Faith.. it's nice to meet you. I'm glad you posted.

When he says that HE is the one who decides... I think he meant out of the professionals involved. In other words those so called advisors oldT SAYS he has do not get a vote on this because they do not know me nor do they know the stage I'm in with my recovery ... and oldT could not even tell them because he has not seen me clinically for ten months. And oldT's BS about how he is worried that meeting with him will impede my recovery is just that BS because he has done EVERYTHING he could possibly do to set my recovery back and make this transition to a new T as horrible as possible.

He is the LAST person to discuss what is best for me. He is the one who traumatized me.

I look forward to getting to know you Faith.

TN

quote:

What do you think, though- that's what the most important thing is.. how do you suspect he would handle the convo you need to have with him about this?

Beebs so glad you are around to help me with this and to remind me of stuff I need to remember.

I have been trying to be mindful of my feelings and to ignore the irrational feelings of anger to try to get to the root of what is making me feel so crazy. I Do think that if I approach this subject with my T that he will be okay with it but he IS doing what oldT did... perhaps unconsciously ... so I need to bring it to his attention. And you are correct that he will try his best to be non-defensive and he will hear me out. I know that.

He has told me to please bring it to his attention if he ever seems scared of me and so I need to tell him that I think he is so scared that I will get hurt he is preventing me from doing what I need to do to find the closure I need. I feel like I'm stuck in grief. It gets all mixed up but it's like...

he does not want to see me suffer or get hurt and so he is feeling fear about that and is keeping me from this meeting that I need. Yes, oldT DID hurt me once again by what he included in his package to me that was not requested and meant only to hurt me... and I did cry buckets in my Ts office but but... I was okay after that. Because my T was there and stayed with me through it. Even when I didn't really feel him that day I opened the package, I called him later on and told him I didn't feel him there and he spoke calmly and nicely to me and reminded me he was not oldT and that our relationship was good and solid. After that... while I was still sad about the package, it was not as bad as it could have been if I had another T. One who would not "stay" with me while I went through the experience. When we hung up I was connected to my T NOT old T and it was okay. Just like you said Beebs... I needed him to walk through the experience with me.

Another part of this is the grief. Old T would never let me grieve what I needed to. He would avoid that at all costs and so I would end up feeling frustrated because he didn't understand the importance of the grieving process. I HAD to do this in order to move on or get stuck. I am now stuck in this awful grief... I cannot move forward with my T and I am forbidden to go backwards or to the past and so I'm stuck here in limbo. I cannot find closure enough to say goodbye to oldT, my old home and the dog I loved. For some reason everyone for THEIR OWN REASONS are denying me this experience that I feel I need to get out of this stuck in limbo grief. My oldT is cruel and cowardly and my current T does not want to see me get hurt and is being over protective.

So I think I have to talk to my T and tell him that I need to do this, even if it hurts me and when I walk through it I need to know that he will be there with open arms on the other side to catch me, to hold me up, to let me cry on his "virtual" shoulder so that I can finish the mourning process and let go. I have SO much work to do with my T and I know he is the one who will help me grow and become the person I always wished I could be. I know he will be in my life forever in some way. He is okay with that. He welcomes it. He will see my son grow and he will see me change into someone better. But I cannot do that until this phase has been properly grieved, mourned and buried.

So what do you think? Should I tell him this? Do I even make sense??

Hugs
TN

TN - I want to agree here that your T absolute wants (and TRUSTS) that you will bring to his attention when he has done things that have hurt you. I know you have done so to an extent, but I absolutely encourage you to continue to let him know how you are feeling about this. You asked me to remind you about his care when you are having trouble seeing it.

He really does want to "get it" and his protectiveness (while invalidating) is about truly and deeply caring for your welfare. Since you believe it is for your well-being that you must have this meeting with oldT, it's important to help your newT understand how you feel about that. He may not agree on what's best for you, but I think he will absolutely be sorry for the invalidation you are sensing. I know it can be so hard to receive your T's care when they have done something to hurt you. It can be easy to get to that "done" feeling about the relationship...but your newT has shown that he will be there through your hurt, anger, etc., even when it is directed his way. It's not going to crush him or change him into an abuser. NewT is still just who he has always been, even though this rift has temporarily changed your experience of him. I think even if it's hard to disagree with one another, you will find that he is perfectly fine with you doing so and not liking or agreeing to what he has to say. It doesn't mean he'll stop doing what he thinks is right, but that should actually make you feel SAFER. OldT would have done what was easiest to not have to deal with challenging situations like this. NewT will absolutely do what he feels is right and best (didn't he have to do this in courts with young children?). That his response is not dependent upon you is actually a really safe place to be. I do hope, however, that you can help him to understand your needs here and maybe come up with a practical plan to work through his reservations together. He is offering you somewhere truly SAFE to come home to...I don't think he is really trying to take kidnap you from your old home, but I can understand how it might feel that way to the parts who are still deeply attached to OldT and what the work you did with him meant to you. ((((TN)))) I hope none of this is too triggering. Just trying to remind you that you do have a good T on your side, as requested!

It's fine Yaku. I enjoy hearing what you have to say. I also thank you for reminding me (as requested) of his care and concern for me. It's just that sometimes I cannot feel it through the pain of the grief which can be overwhelming. The little part of me is stomping her foot about the "home" statement and is really scared that she will never see that home again, ever. She is convinced she must have done something horribly wrong to be punished this way by everyone.

I know he will hear me if I tell him this stuff. I just have to find the courage and the clarity to be able to talk to him about it.

Hugs
TN

quote:

I think what is happening is that my T is doing exactly what my mother did... preventing me from going out on my own because I might get hurt and thus preventing me from taking the the steps I need for closure. When I was growing up I learned never to try anything where I could either possibly fail or horrors ... get hurt. Whenever I got hurt my mother would totally freak out and start screaming at me. I actually would get hit for getting hurt as a kid so I learned NEVER to venture out, never to try anything. I was made to be afraid to live. I have struggled with this fear all my life. I am trying to change that. To face down fears and to confront things that are uncomfortable or could "hurt".

My T is acting like my unhealthy over protective mother who does not want me to get hurt BECAUSE HE does NOT want to deal with the fallout or the damage to "his work" as he calls me (which BTW pisses me off because I sound like some inanimate painting or sculpture or something).

As I'm seeing things now he is just reenacting my childhood, something he accuses oldT of doing. He is no better.

I hesitate to say this as you might get cross at me, but there seems to be some major transference going on in the above.

Your lovely and sound T is protecting you like one might protect a child running straight into a raging fire. This old T could wound you far further than you know, though I know you don't believe it. He could hurt you MORE than he has done so far. He could.

I thank god you have a truly inspired T who truly has your best interests at heart as at the moment you seem to be so much in hurt child mode that I just want to hug you and rage at old T on your behalf for knifing your heart open like this.

Thank god T is wise enough to be careful around old T.

But of course your anger with your T, your brilliant and sound T, is understandable too. But your view of what he is doing is charged with past feelings, rather than seeing him clearly ....

Heck, I hope I have not made things worse saying this....

TN,

I don't know how to copy quotes but I love what you wrote above, about knowing that T will walk you through this and be in your life for a long time. This tells me that you are really okay with him, maybe just a little pissed but you know what a great T he is.

I think if you tell T exactly what you have written, that you just need to do this and have him be there on the other side for you, regardless of what happens, I think you could garner his support. You would, really, just be standing up for yourself and what you want.

((((TN))))

Hang in there,

Liese

((((TN)))) I seem to have offended you and I'm so sorry for that!!

Seriously, I so understand what you're feeling and agree with what everyone has said - I'm just concerned and hoping you don't disconnect from your wonderful newT! He so clearly cares, is very protective and doesn't want to see you suffer more and may indeed be going about it the wrong way, and of course, any decision is yours to make, as you know your needs better than anyone!!
I guess I was looking at it from another angle also - I don't think his motivations are dark - he's not going to abandon you, is not worried he may have to deal with any fallout - he's, imho, proved his abilities and care in many ways so much already!!

My apology for upsetting you ((TN))
Take care.
Morgs x

TN,

Yes, I totally think you should tell your T all that you wrote above. I think it is important for you to say it, for him to hear it and most of all for you to experience him "getting" it. I think that he will and he will help you with this, but he can't do that if you don't let him know what is going through your head. I know it is so hard to continue going forward when you feel doors are slammed in your face every time, but you have already been through the worst and survived. You can do it!

TN...it took me awhile to be able to get back here today, and I'm sorry about that.

there's a few things I want to say...it's this:

quote:

Yes, oldT DID hurt me once again by what he included in his package to me that was not requested and meant only to hurt me... and I did cry buckets in my Ts office but but... I was okay after that. Because my T was there and stayed with me through it. Even when I didn't really feel him that day I opened the package, I called him later on and told him I didn't feel him there and he spoke calmly and nicely to me and reminded me he was not oldT and that our relationship was good and solid. After that... while I was still sad about the package, it was not as bad as it could have been if I had another T.

and this:

quote:

Old T would never let me grieve what I needed to. He would avoid that at all costs and so I would end up feeling frustrated because he didn't understand the importance of the grieving process. I HAD to do this in order to move on or get stuck. I am now stuck in this awful grief... I cannot move forward with my T and I am forbidden to go backwards or to the past and so I'm stuck here in limbo. I cannot find closure enough to say goodbye to oldT, my old home and the dog I loved. For some reason everyone for THEIR OWN REASONS are denying me this experience that I feel I need to get out of this stuck in limbo grief. My oldT is cruel and cowardly and my current T does not want to see me get hurt and is being over protective.

and last, this:

quote:

He will see my son grow and he will see me change into someone better. But I cannot do that until this phase has been properly grieved, mourned and buried.

So what do you think? Should I tell him this? Do I even make sense??

I really hear you about the need to grieve and the need to be *allowed* to suffer- only this time- please God, *with someone caring.* I'm hoping like heck that your T understands this piece and that you won't have to be the one to *make* him understand...at least not for more than a session or two, until he gets what you are talking about. And I think you are really wise, in the ways that are kind of unseen by many, in understanding the crucial importance of this. So I'm with you on that.

Where I lost you was here-

quote:

he is preventing me from doing what I need to do to find the closure I need. I feel like I'm stuck in grief.

I am confused about- how he is specifically, preventing you from this grieving by not pushing himself for the closure session to happen. Don't get me wrong- I think that it makes perfect *sense* for your T to push for what you feel you need to heal, and I *totally* support you on that- and hope he will eventually do it. But I don't think that his *not* pushing for something to happen at this time is *preventing* it from happening. He's just hanging in there with you, as I see it. He's gonna support *you* in pushing for it to happen, since you want it-but he's not gonna push for it to happen himself- that's where *his* boundary seems to be in this. Because he's a person, a clinician, and he cares and has a right to have an opinion about what is good for you, his patient, in this situation. So *supporting* what you want to do and make happen by yourself, I see, but not pushing for, for *himself* as your T, as what he thinks personally is best for you- his boundary- an important distinction to make, from my perspective, at least...hm but maybe I am not understanding it correctly...so..

what do you think..??

quote:

he will try his best to be non-defensive and he will hear me out. I know that.

I forgot this. I wanted to mention that I find it really instructive that you say "will do his best" because it shows that you understand and accept something really crucial about human nature...that people who are of good will, will try to do their best to help in spite of all the inevitable personal weakness...I just wanted to call that to you attention, too, TN, as it shows a willingness on your part to work with your T as a teamwork in getting the healing you need and ardently desire. And it's clear that he wants also to do that work *with* you, and not *on* you. But that should be clarified in convo, as you know, as well.. so that you can know for sure, by carefully gauging his response.

Many respectful hugs, (I mean that) you are doing amazing work.

BB

xo

Oh my dear TN- I hope that if I said something that troubles you or you feel I have misunderstood or misapplied anything- you will say so. I just want to support you, and not to cause any additional pain. In regards to my last post, I was only trying to point out the difference between a good T and a bad one- the good one will admit his mistakes and weaknesses, and accept your feelings about them, that he can't always do everything 100 percent right but will have his own issues and boundaries that conflict with what you need at times, and will talk all of those things through with you- bad T will not be willing to do that but will try to either lord it over you, or patronize you, or ignore what you are asking for rather than discuss and and attempt solutions. You know all this- most of it I learned from you and others on here to begin with, and I just hope that you didn't think I was bringing my particular situation to bear in what I said before- that was *not* what I intended.

Are you ok today? I'm thinking of you...

Hugs,

BB

Hi Beebs...

No you have not done anything wrong or upset me in any way at all. I'm just quietly thinking and digesting everything I guess. I think I have some of this figured out... except for the part when he says 'this is your home now". Even just writing it down makes me want to scream. I'm not sure why or what that means. He, I'm sure, meant it in a good way but I hear it in an ominous way. A way that scares me to death and makes me feel punished.

I'm trying to sit with these feelings to figure out if I'm mad at him or not and if I will be able to talk to him tomorrow or not. I know where part of this is coming from... the frustration with him not being okay with me grieving and I do understand that he wants to protect me but he has to respect my feelings about this too. And if I get hurt, then that is where he will be needed. To patch me back together and help me to find my feet again. But maybe he does not want to do that. It's not easy T work. He has already seen what a bad T can do to a person. I supposed he hates seeing me hurt and in pain. I should be happy for that.

I know he is a wonderful T. I have written that here many times and I have written that he is honorable and good and I'm proud he is my T... so why do I have this unreasonable rage towards him. Maybe it's transference again... not sure.

I AM sure that we need to talk... but will I be able to?

All is okay Beebs. No worries.

Hugs
TN

I feel for you and hope it goes well tomorrow. I do know, as you do, that whatever rage you feel at T, he can take it on the chin and apologize if he feels it is appropriate and he can help you work out where this pain is coming from too. He can hold ALL of this.

How would you feel if he said "go and meet ex T in his office and have him hurt you deeply again, which he will. that is fine by me."

??

I love that he cares about you so deeply. He is committed to you and your well being and he knows that ex T has no ability to help you heal this. Of course you want ex T to be better than he is. Of course you do.

WE can be so loyal in our hearts. Especially if someone was a bit kind to us for a while.

I am sorry it is so terribly hard for you at the moment. You are facing big hurts and big betrayals with courage and admirable guts. Please keep posting so that we can know how you are.

Thinking of you today TN. I hope your session goes well.

Also thinking of you and hoping that your session goes well and you are able to sort some of this awful stuff out with him.

hugs,

BB

Hoping newT nails it and is able to reassure you, TN!

STRM, Beebs...thank you so much for asking about me. Sadly, thank you for your comments.

I'm sitting here feeling a bit emotional yet warm and good and connected to my T. Things started out a bit rocky because I was struggling with a combination of fear, anger and the inability to find the words I needed to describe the other emotions. So much of what I was feeling felt wordless. When I finally found some words they came rushing out in a torrent of accusations towards my T. He listend, non-defensively, but he did stop me at one point and said Whoa! Because I was telling him he was just like my mother because of this or that... and he felt I was projecting. So we stopped and discussed it. He said he did NOT think I was too fragile to meet oldT because if he really felt I was that fragile I would not be his patient. I asked him why? And he said that he only takes one really fragile person at a time and he already had one in therapy. This is a man who keeps boundaries and is well aware of his limitations. It was interesting to hear him say this to me.

Anyway, he admitted to being very protective of me... and for some reason this is not bother me today. It made me feel cared for. But he said he is concerned because oldT is acting irrational and delusional and it is hard to trust him to do a meeting in a professional way. If oldT was acting professional and responsible he would have me meet him right away with no issues. If WAS really just that oldT wanted me to work with a trauma T (which of course is BS) then he would be acting in a kind and rational way. My T said that everything I tried to do with oldT, everything I asked him for, which was so easy and simple... turned into a mess. It took 9 weeks to get my stuff from when I engaged a lawyer. And then my T said... when you finally got the package it turned into a "letter bomb".

He said that while he is not happy about me having a potential final meeting with oldT he would support me and help me with it. The only thing is.... he won't go to oldT's office. I'm not sure why and I didn't ask.

Then we explored his comment to me about "home" and why it had such a negative reaction in me. I was still confused about it and he asked me some questions and I tried to describe how I felt. I think we came to the conclusion that to me it felt like when he said that it took away any choice I had in the matter. I told him it felt very scary to hear that and it felt like a punishment (actually now that I think of it... I would describe it as more of a threat). He reminded me that of course he NEVER meant for that to hurt me and he meant it as an invitation to consider his office my home. I told him it felt like any choice I had was taken from me, just like when I was abandoned. I had no choice, no say, no voice. I was helpless and felt backed into a corner. My T was very thoughtful about all of this and he then added that perhaps I felt that he took away the last connection back to oldT and my therapy there with him... and I was not ready to let that go and it was okay. He apologized. I told him that it was okay because I know that he did not to it to hurt me. And he told me that he said it, and I left feeling sad and burdened and it was HIS responsibility that I leave him feeling okay and he did not do his job. He said he had to apologize and take responsibility for what happened.

He asked me why I thought he always called me back so quickly. So I came up with all kinds of therapeutic reasons and he kept saying no or okay maybe but the real reason is very simple... he just really likes me and likes talking to me. I said "thank you" and he teased me that it would be nice if I said thankyou while actually looking at him! So I laughed and said it again looking at him. He stressed that I'm one of the kindest people he knows and he has never seen any malice in me despite what oldT has done to me and that he has so much respect for me. I have to say that it's hard to take in that his brilliant, experienced, well-respected, in demand T has so much respect for ME. I feel like such a mess and he is saying this to me? I need to sit with this for a bit and try to take it in.

At the end of the session he moved closer to me and said seriously, "as usual, you did really good work today" and I smiled at him and said "you did really good work too" (of course, as he was wearing my fav pink shirt that was easy to say LOL). He grinned at me and thanked me and then he promised that on Monday we would work on a joint response to oldT's letter to me. He said if anyone could rein in oldT and get him to toe the line it would be me ! But his opinion is that oldT is a very emotionally, mentally unstable individual and he did mention that reporting him may result in him getting some help and avoiding harm with other patients.

I also told him that sometimes I think that what happened to me was for a reason... so that in sharing my story I could help others. At least maybe others can find hope from my journey or be able to recognize red flags in their Ts or learn what it is like to have a T who is really good and ethical and knowledgeable and what a difference that can make in one's life. Knowing him has made an enormous difference in mine. This man has literally saved my life and I am well aware of this. He was very much in favor of what I was doing in sharing my story and told me to continue to do so. He cares that others learn how to avoid the bad Ts out there and learn to protect themselves.

And so we shook hands and I felt good. Like a load was taken off my shoulders and I could leave him, yet take him with me to hold onto until I see him again next week.

Thanks for reading. I just want to add here... that I haven't been in a place to help much over the past two weeks around here and I hope to be more participatory and helpful as time goes on and things with oldT get settled.

TN

TN!!! I am so glad to read how this session went. I wonder if the reason I can sometimes sense how I think things with your T will go, the sort of things he might say...is that he reminds me a little bit of my own T.

The protectiveness, the liking you, stressing that he likes communicating with you, his respect for your kindness, the accepting your feelings but also being willing to say "Wait, I don't think that's me!" to your projections...I am realizing those are all things I have received from my own T throughout therapy and in the past month specifically. We both have really good Ts on our sides.

It really blesses me to hear about how you have made it into newT's arms from that "unstable" guy I can barely bring myself to even call a T...so, I am so glad that you do continue to share your story here. I am glad to hear you are unburdened and I hope the weight of oldT's abuse continues to lighten as you work with your newT...I almost want to call him trueT, but I don't know if that sounds scary to you! If so, just ignore it.

So happy you're feeling so connected with your T again TN - he's not only incredibly caring but very secure and wise!

I hope you don't mind me posting as I still have a feeling you're upset with me!?

Take care, Morgs

Dearest Morgs.... I am NOT upset with you at all. Never was. Never have been. You are a good and caring person and I have always appreciated any posts you have made to my threads. Really. I'm not lying! I'm sorry if I made you think I was upset for some reason. The biggest issue with the internet is that you cannot see my body language or hear the tone in my voice so I'm sorry if the tone of my posts made you feel that I was upset. Hugs to you...

Yaku... thanks so much. I do think our Ts are similar in many ways and that is why whatever emotional upheaval and angst you are experiencing from the past and from the effects of a neglectful and harmful childhood I feel secure that your T can help you and can handle it gracefully and with your best interests at heart. We are really fortunate. And yes... I like TrueT. He is True Blue... the real thing. The card I gave him last month comes to my mind just now. It said... when I count my blessings I count you twice...I think I need to tell him that again.

I'm so relieved that the light is still shining as brightly as ever helping me to find my way back to him.

TN

Phew!!! thanks TN. I think maybe my T's long absence is really getting to me and I've become run down and sensitive (over)!!

I'm so happy that you now have a T who respects you and meets you where you need to be met - you deserve it TN!!
Morgs x

TN,

Could you hear me heave a sigh of relief on your behalf? It was pretty loud and forceful. If you caught a breeze it was probably me. I am so happy to read about how your session went and that you are feeling so much reassurance and closeness with your T. Thank you for updating!

(((((TN)))))


I didn't expect anything different from your T. But he still continues to amaze me. And, you as well. The way you hammer away at your feelings. It's inspiring.

Liese

Inspiring is the word...both your bravery, and his human and caring response to you. I'm with STRMS- relieved. I know it's not over, and that ruptures and repairs are inevitable- but I also know you are in good hands with them this time.

Love, hugs,

BB

quote:

He asked me why I thought he always called me back so quickly. So I came up with all kinds of therapeutic reasons and he kept saying no or okay maybe but the real reason is very simple... he just really likes me and likes talking to me. I said "thank you" and he teased me that it would be nice if I said thankyou while actually looking at him! So I laughed and said it again looking at him. He stressed that I'm one of the kindest people he knows and he has never seen any malice in me despite what oldT has done to me and that he has so much respect for me. I have to say that it's hard to take in that his brilliant, experienced, well-respected, in demand T has so much respect for ME. I feel like such a mess and he is saying this to me? I need to sit with this for a bit and try to take it in.

I LOVE it! I want to do the icon for the bunny dancing. Yea!!!!!

It is wonderful to hear that you are re connected with T. And he IS such a good T. I just feel safer myself hearing about him.

I feel relief too to hear you are feeling stronger and more supported. You are going through such tough stuff.

Don't worry about not posting for others, we all muck in when we can. You keep doing what you need to do.

I really care about you.

TN,

I am sorry you are feeling like nobody, not even your T, is listening to YOU and YOUR needs. That must feel so frustrating and a bit like abandonment on new Ts part. However ,I do believe that he has your best interest at heart. I also got the sense that what he was saying when he referred to his office as your home now is that this is where you are safe....this is where you can go and know that you won't be hurt. You cannot get that guarantee of safety at oldTs office, but new T is offering it up to you with open arms.