Hi Draggers, Yes, sometimes I have homework. Sometimes I can do it, and sometimes not. T. accepts this because both have meaning.

I do a lot of journaling which I share. Often, it can be quite triggering to me which I have to work through and sometimes it might trigger me so bad that I reach out to T. via text. I have a liberal contact policy.

I have used drawing as a way to communicate and that has helped and is less triggering to me, until T. reviews it with me. At least at that point, I am with her to process it.

I have read books that T. has given me. Many times I had to stop or pass over chapters because I just couldn't. Even just writing this to you triggers me with one book she had me read. It was a very hard, hard thing for me to do. Yet, I pushed through it, taking it slowly, letting all my emotions out the best that I could. But like right now, I can't even say the name of the book or I start to get all swirly.

Anyway, I don't think I am being too helpful here. I would encourage you to keep trying the best you can but to share with your T. different options. Remember, just because she gives you something doesn't mean you are wrong or bad if you can't do it without being triggered. It just might be too painful right now, but perhaps in the future you would be in a different place.

(((Draggers)))

I’m sorry you’re feeling so numb and unsafe in your relationships (especially your therapy relationship)- that really sucks. To be triggered so much by your homework seems like it could be counterproductive right now. It’s okay to say no to your T’s assignments. I’m trying to imagine how I would feel in your shoes, and if my relationship with my T weren’t solid, there’s no way I could focus on any sort of homework, and I’d be angry with my T for thinking I could. But I could also see that if homework is part of your normal T routine, then maybe keeping up with it will help your T relationship return to normal.

I don’t have much experience in accessing emotions without causing flashbacks/bad memories. I used to think that I didn’t have emotions, but as I’ve become acquainted with my internal system, I’ve seen that I do have parts that feel emotions. Unfortunately, the parts of me that feel emotions are the same parts that hold the memories of being hurt. There’s no way to directly access one without the other. But, art has been a good way to indirectly access my emotions.

There’s this one collage that I made a long time ago (just pictures cut from magazines and glued to poster board), that each time I see it I am just blown away by how it feels. It manages to capture all the emotions I felt as a child, but in a way that I wasn’t triggered while making it. Somehow, the pictures I chose just felt “right”, but I didn’t necessarily know why.

My T hasn't really assigned me any homework so far. I actually commented on this one day: "You never assign me homework, but, somehow, I always end up doing homework." I do quite a bit of researching and processing out of session and my T knows this, so maybe that's why he hasn't loaded me up (yet). He usually just pushes me to invest in a lot of self care. I must be doing some intense work in session, because there doesn't seem to be enough self care in the world to soothe the ache I have uncovered.

I agree with Nannabee and Rebuilding Me: If the homework is too triggering, don't force yourself through it. You don't want to worsen your trauma. Just go to your T and discuss your feelings; explain why it's too much. If your T cares, he/she will find an alternate approach that will move you forward safely.

Photography and art are awesome ways of expressing ideas, and many people do that. Being a writer by trade, I tend to use poetry and metaphor to voice painful or complex ideas. It doesn't necessarily have to be my poetry, either. Anything relevant will do.

Hi Dragger,
My T often sets me homework. As Rebuilding Me said sometimes I do it and sometimes I don't. T is ok either way. If I find it too difficult she say leave it and we look at it together.
Just come from T half an hour ago a today (and the last few weeks) she asked me to do a situation analysis next time I get anxious. ie. note what happened, how I felt, what thoughts I had and what I did.
If I manage to do it, we look at it together and she helps me find alternative, not so negative thoughts. She is trying to teach me to find alternative thoughts for myself, no luck there yet!
She often gives small exercises like this, but is quite clear that I should not get anxious about it.
Most weeks I write to her one or two days after my session with thoughts which have arisen, she always give a brief reply the next day and if there is something needing more we discuss next time.
I actually like it when she set something small, it helps me feel a connection during the week and that my therapy is not just that one small hour.
Maybe you need some lighter homework while you are struggling so much, or some coping methods to practice.