Hi Summer,

When I saw this poster it made me think of all of us on this board who work so hard to be brutally, frightfully, nakedly honest in therapy. We are willing to go to great lengths for healing and it is really tough work. I've met some of the bravest people I can imagine here on this forum. No one could ever accuse any of us of being phony or a "fraud" by a super long shot. I don't think there is anything scarier than being willing to face ourselves and our demons, or the demons someone else put there a long time ago.

Even if things don't always turn out the way we think they should (and yes, I was thinking of your post from yesterday, and my previous therapy that derailed, and so many other examples from this forum), if they turned out that way while we were just being as honest as we could be, then regardless of how the therapy ends, we haven't failed. We are fighting the good fight, in therapy and out. It will be worth it, in the end.

And I just wanted to honor that.

SG

The part about boundaries vs. dishonesty...With my ex-T, there were many many times I could tell he was trying to hide and/or control his counter-transference. I didn't consider that dishonesty, because that's what he's supposed to do, but my picking up on it was mightily confusing and made for a lot of "interference" in the therapy.

As far as I know, a T is never under any obligation to reveal counter-transference issues to the patient who is triggering it. In fact, if anything, they are not supposed to reveal it to them at all, even if it ends in a transfer. So if that is why he transferred me, which I'm quite sure it is, then he technically did the right thing.

What was disturbing was how no one else at the clinic came along side me to comfort me or offer me care. Instead they acted frightened and evasive, and phony. Like they were hiding something. Again, they were under no obligation to explain my ex-T's issues at all. But something just felt very wrong about it. I'm not sure dishonesty is the right word. I just wish someone would have said, We know this is hard for you, but this is what's best for you, your T still cares for you, and we'll help you through this. The actual attitude I got was exactly the opposite of this.

There was someone else on this forum who got transferred once she spoke of transference feelings, and they handled it so much better. Her name is Charlotte. I wish my ex-T and the other T's at this clinic had handled it the way hers did. I haven't seen her posting on this board in a long while but her story gave me much inspiration that there are T's/P's out there with enough humility to handle counter-transference somewhat gracefully, if not painlessly, without sacrificing the patient.

Thanks for listening.
SG

Hi SG and Summer, this thread means a lot to me. I have always been upfront and brutally honest about my feelings towards my exT. I believed and trusted that he had the boundaries and would be able to know how to help me with these feelings. I always understood that they were not really about him, even though I did believe him to be a pure and compassionate person, but that they were triggered by my abusive childhood and my needs not being met when I was a child.

When I would speak about my transference issues I would always be looking for answers on how to resolve the feelings so that I could heal. I did not choose to feel like that about him and I made that very clear. That the feelings were out of my control. I also told him many times that I wanted more than therapy from him and I could not understand why I was so obsessed with him. I clung to him and he repeatedly told me that he would never abandon me nor reject me and I would still question him at the start of every session about whether he would end.

When he did abruptly end with me and refused to help me through it and refused to take my calls I was devestated. He knew that abandonment was terrifying to me and even though I begged him not to end this way he still did. He said I have to ask you not to ring me again and we won't see each other again. So so so painful. I felt like I was falling into a black hole and nothing was going to pull me out. Lifeline (telephone help line) helped me through it. He lost my trust and when he agreed to take me back I still clung but I no longer trusted him. He told me his feelings of counter-transference and gave me that really seductive look. Then when I questioned him about it at the next two sessions he assured me that he did not want more with me and it was all in my head. Over approx six months therapy sessions became only talking about the way our relationship was. Cycling through him upsetting me with really crappy comments, me reacting, him breaking a boundary, me then being happier, and on and on. I kept going because the guide to psychology site said that to leave was bolting and I really wanted to make therapy work and not run away from my feelings. Also because I was too frightened that I would die if I left.

This has been such a miserable time in my life. I have been through a really tough time for the year prior to going to therapy and walking through his door and commencing therapy made everything so much harder. The broken boundaries and mixed messages have caused so much confusion. Even now, it has been eight weeks since I have seen him and I have explained to him over the phone why I am ending and it is because I can't cope with the pain of wanting more he still actively encourages me to make a time to see him and tries to talk me into it.

I know what it is like to have therapy abruptly terminated - it is terrifying. But I also know the damage that is caused when the therapist can't let go either even when he should. I think he ended because he offered to meet me at the beachfront and then realized the boundaries he was breaking and got frightened and ended in a knee-jerk reaction. Everything happened because he put his needs before mine.

SG he did do the right thing if he was having difficulty with his feelings toward you. The way the other counsellors and therapists at the clinic treated you is disgusting. From what you have said in your other posts about this they definitely banded together to protect their business. Sadly therapy is a business also and this is where your needs got lost, in their need to protect themselves.

Hi Halo,

Now I have a clearer picture of the initial break between you and your T...I'm so sorry, Halo. How confusing and terrifying and painful for you.

And yet, you continued to remain honest with him...and with yourself...and with us. This is what is incredible to me. I'm sorry if this seems excessive, but to remain honest and upright and keep moving forward in the face of such a reaction to your openness and honesty is a measure of your character.

Not that it is necessarily any easier when a T responds well. From what others on this board have said, it is equally terrifying to keep moving forward whether our T's reactions are real or imagined. And whether we stay with them, or decide to go.

I'm almost cringing to say this, because my ex-T would think this sounds "braggy", but I don't mean it to be braggy at all so I'm going to say it anyway: I see each one of us as a spiritual warrior in their own right. Whether our T's turn out to be dependable or not, each one of us is making a conscious choice to keep moving forward, keep slaying dragons, keep fighting for clarity and truth and peace inside ourselves so we can ultimately live from a better place to positively affect those around us. Not everyone chooses to do this. I think it takes a lot of courage and I just want to build up anyone who is feeling discouraged.

And in doing so, I encourage myself to keep going as well.

Love,
SG

Hi SG, I love your analogy. Sometimes I don't want to choose to move forward and just desperately want to go back to him. But I know that it would be the same old same old, him leading me on then rejecting me - over and over. Maybe he would eventually give in but that would be very destructive and damaging to me too. I am looking forward to meeting my new P and beginning to heal the way I act in relationships, letting people abuse me and trying to be perfect so that they won't abuse me anymore. And thinking that sex means love.

You are so encouraging and inspiring SG and I think the world of you.

Strummergirl-
That poster is made of kick-a$$
LOVE IT