How can a child honour their parents after a childhood of deprivation, degradation, disrespect,and dishonesty from them?
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you can't muff. honour is earned. your parents didn't earn it. you're not obliged to give it.
If you want to honour them Muff; then becoming that self reliant, self confident, happy, compassionate person DESPITE the deprivation, degradation, disrespect and dishonesty is the way to go.
My T helped me with this once. That honor can boil down to holding a sense of regard and worth about another. My parents are people, they have the same human rights I do... within that I can have whatever boundaries I need to, even the decision not to see them.
That's how I see it anyway. Have my parents done absolutely unforgivable things? Yes. I respect their right to life, whether I like them or not, or if I agree with their choices or not, or if I am in it their lives or not. Just like I honor (most) bugs in my house... I suck them in a bug vac and put them outside. It can be on different levels, but sometimes just not killing someone or outsourcing the killing of them to someone else is enough to be called honor. It's individual... very individual.
That's how I see it anyway. Have my parents done absolutely unforgivable things? Yes. I respect their right to life, whether I like them or not, or if I agree with their choices or not, or if I am in it their lives or not. Just like I honor (most) bugs in my house... I suck them in a bug vac and put them outside. It can be on different levels, but sometimes just not killing someone or outsourcing the killing of them to someone else is enough to be called honor. It's individual... very individual.
But we were imprisoned/emotionally caged by them in our childhood Cat. There was no escape, and no reasoning to know they were wrong. We were made to feel wrong.
And?
It doesn't mean that honor in some either limited or vast way is impossible, or unreasonable should someone choose. There is a way to do that even without forgiveness for what they've done. It's not everyone's choice, I'm just saying it can be possible.
It doesn't mean that honor in some either limited or vast way is impossible, or unreasonable should someone choose. There is a way to do that even without forgiveness for what they've done. It's not everyone's choice, I'm just saying it can be possible.
The child did honour her parents with the fear of losing them. She propped them up with fear each time they dishonored her. She may have died had she not.
Many 'bad' people are killed off in books and films. Statues of leaders are pulled down and destroyed by the cheering crowds, but when it comes to imagining our perpetrators (parents) being destroyed, for some reason it is not so easily accepted. It is by me, and that is my choice. It is the only way I can vent my rage towards the injustice that was my childhood.
Would my parents ever have hung their heads in shame for their wrong doing? Never!
Did I for my imaginings of destroying them?
Yes, many many times, but not now.
Justice is being done in that manner by undoing their damage to me.
My parents are both deceased. It is not important that I honour them or not. However, It is important that I acknowledge how the child feels, and honour her by finally feeling her rage..
Many 'bad' people are killed off in books and films. Statues of leaders are pulled down and destroyed by the cheering crowds, but when it comes to imagining our perpetrators (parents) being destroyed, for some reason it is not so easily accepted. It is by me, and that is my choice. It is the only way I can vent my rage towards the injustice that was my childhood.
Would my parents ever have hung their heads in shame for their wrong doing? Never!
Did I for my imaginings of destroying them?
Yes, many many times, but not now.
Justice is being done in that manner by undoing their damage to me.
My parents are both deceased. It is not important that I honour them or not. However, It is important that I acknowledge how the child feels, and honour her by finally feeling her rage..
Muff,
Do you have any understanding why your parents were/acted the way they did? My father was born when his parents were in prison. He spent his childhood in foster care of the 1930's. My mom lost her mother when she was 8. Her dad was an alcoholic. Neither of them had good childhoods and neither had good parental role models. I understand they did the best they could but they lacked a lot. My siblings and I suffered a lot of abuse.
I have chosen to become a parent myself. I thought long and hard about it first. Would I be able to be a good parent? I have three kids 15,13,11 now. I have studied books, been through years of therapy working on myself, just trying to be the best person and parent I can be. I make mistakes but I'm trying. There is no violence in my home.
So I think I am honoring my parents by trying to be a better parent than they were. And perhaps my kids will grow up and try to do even better than me.
I don't have much contact with my dad. The relationship just doesn't exist and I won't let him say things to my kids that I consider harmful. But, he is now in his 70's. he had a hip replacement in January. He is not the big scary person that used to rage at us and hit us. It has been confusing to see this change in him as he ages. I started to have more compassion for him. But then he started to mess with me emotionally. I've had to back away from him again.
My mom has Alzheimer's and I am her caregiver. She has regressed to the level of a toddler currently. She is just as sweet as can be. I love on her and try to give her the mothering she never had. She often will call me mom. It's emotionally gut wrenching but again, I believe I am honoring her and what she was able to give me when I was a child. I'm also setting an example for my kids.
Wow sorry to go on so long. You can honor your parents even though they are gone by choosing to live and be in this world in the most positive way possible for you.
Jillann
Do you have any understanding why your parents were/acted the way they did? My father was born when his parents were in prison. He spent his childhood in foster care of the 1930's. My mom lost her mother when she was 8. Her dad was an alcoholic. Neither of them had good childhoods and neither had good parental role models. I understand they did the best they could but they lacked a lot. My siblings and I suffered a lot of abuse.
I have chosen to become a parent myself. I thought long and hard about it first. Would I be able to be a good parent? I have three kids 15,13,11 now. I have studied books, been through years of therapy working on myself, just trying to be the best person and parent I can be. I make mistakes but I'm trying. There is no violence in my home.
So I think I am honoring my parents by trying to be a better parent than they were. And perhaps my kids will grow up and try to do even better than me.
I don't have much contact with my dad. The relationship just doesn't exist and I won't let him say things to my kids that I consider harmful. But, he is now in his 70's. he had a hip replacement in January. He is not the big scary person that used to rage at us and hit us. It has been confusing to see this change in him as he ages. I started to have more compassion for him. But then he started to mess with me emotionally. I've had to back away from him again.
My mom has Alzheimer's and I am her caregiver. She has regressed to the level of a toddler currently. She is just as sweet as can be. I love on her and try to give her the mothering she never had. She often will call me mom. It's emotionally gut wrenching but again, I believe I am honoring her and what she was able to give me when I was a child. I'm also setting an example for my kids.
Wow sorry to go on so long. You can honor your parents even though they are gone by choosing to live and be in this world in the most positive way possible for you.
Jillann
quote:Do you have any understanding why your parents were/acted the way they did?
Me as the adult does, totally. But the child is confused as ever, and remains enraged.
My work is in aged care Jillann, where I have nursed bubby parents for the last twenty something years.
I know how it feels when they are so in need of love. I think that is the only time brain reaches beyond my rage to give it to them.
That is the time I can go beyond my own needs and see theirs.
But when I asked for support in caring for these people I was up against a boss who wasnt capable of empathy (just like my mother wasnt.)
Ironic, dont you think?
What is a sociopath capable of when he loses control of his anger?
http://youtu.be/koAQoc-Chyw