Little Me I am sorry you are feeling so hopeless. I can't imagine trying to find suitable therapists when feeling so depressed and frustrated. Did you put yourself in the hospital or did your old T have you admitted? I'm not sure I'm following the story correctly.

I am also assuming you live in the U.K. and I do not so I'm not that familiar with how the healthcare system works there. Is there any way that the mental health system can provide you with a longer-term therapist because of the nature of your problems? And I surely don't understand why you have to leave your group which is helpful to keep you safe, just because you don't have a therapist at the moment. Perhaps you can work with the psychologist who came to your house and he can put you in another DBT group. If you like him it may be more important to begin work with him and worry about the group part later. It seems to me that you need individual therapy immediately to help you with these feelings you are struggling with.

Did you leave your oldT because she did not understand attachment? I'm sorry because I know and have felt the pain that this brings. I wish more Ts were trained to understand attachment and what it means. So many Ts just seem scared of it (for no reason).

Are you on any anti-depressant meds now? Perhaps that would help you enough to begin functioning and then you can use the DBT skills you learned so far until you can find a T that fits your needs.

I know things seem overwhelming now but there is always hope. You just cannot give up. Even if you do ONE thing each day for you. Just one thing to get you moving again and back to the world.

I wish I could be of more help. Keep talking to us here.

TN

Hi TN
You are right it is really hard to find a suitable therapist when I ´m so terribly depressed, and I think I´m in a shock. I feel like I´m a child who lost it´s mum, and no one understands why I´m so terribly hurt, and I don´t allow myself to grief because I was not supposed to love her like that in the first place.

When I had just been released from the hospital, I had a little hope, that maybe I could find someone on private practice that was willing to work with me long-term. Someone that could understand that I had to work through attachment. I scheduled appointments with one psychologist and then one psychoanalyst, but they couldn´t, they said the health-care system should take care of me. I was hurt before, but it hurt me even more that I feel I have no chance to ever be cured. I´m doomed to live like this forever.

I have seen that in the health-care system here (Iceland) they do not work long-term with a patient. And I have been in this system for a very long time. I was first admitted to a mental-ward when I was 16, and I´m almost 40 now.

Just wish they could understand that if for once they would help me with this properly, they would not have to throw endless money in trying to put bandages on wounds that will not heal without good support, for few years.

My T was different. Finally I found someone that was willing to work with me for long time. We worked together for 4 years. And I felt like we were close to recovery. But this attachment stuff… I can really feel that I have to work through that.
Maybe I should have seen it sooner that she could not work through attachment with me, I just was so determined that she would come to her senses.

You asked if it was her that had me admitted to the hospital. Yes it was her.

For 4 years we had weekly sessions. But when I pushed T in talking about attachment she reduced therapy to twice a month she said she didn´t have more time, she also said she thought it was in my best interest, and when I told her I was ready to see her at her private office she said she could not take my money. At some time she said yes and then no again. So it was really confusing.

I tried twice a month therapy for three months but it just hurt more and more, it did not work, maybe I was too committed to let it work, I should have left earlier, then I wouldn´t have let myself go through all this pain for such a long time. In the end it was just over my head, for weeks I could not eat or sleep and I knew I could not do this therapy anymore. I wanted to die, and called T…then she had me admitted to the hospital.

I went to my DPD group once a week the whole time when I was at the hospital. I felt it was really important. Not just for the DBT skills, but also because I´m really socially isolated and don´t know anyone, I felt it was good seeing the women that are working with their BPD.
I started this group last fall and the social part has been the best for me. I was really upset that I felt they wanted to kick me out because I was not feeling good. They also said it was a bad example for the other women in the group, if I could keep coming even though I split up with T. I´m angry at that, I feel they disrespect the other women in the group saying something like this, they are not little children saying;"I want to stop seeing my therapist because “Little me” could".
I also feel they disrespect that I have really been trying to work this out with my T, we just could not work it out… but I really tried.

Now when I´m not as hurt and angry with the group organizer I agree with you TN. If I have to choose between the two, individual therapy is more important to me right now.

It is just so hard when you know you need individual therapy immediately, and they let you wait, and wait...

In a small country like mine there is just one DBT group therapy,so if I will work with the T that came to my house he can not put me in another DBT group, that sucks.

Like you I also wish „more Ts were trained to understand attachment and what it means“

You ask;
"Are you on any anti-depressant meds now?"
I have taken them for the last few days. But taking them also feels like giving up. They make me numb, and that used to be my way, ever since I was a child.
Now when T and I have broken laiers after laiers of stone and steel that protected my heart from feeling anything. It is hard to „Self-numb“ like I used to do. Then drugs don´t seem like the right choice. I know that then I will just have to deal with these emotions later.But sometimes I have to take them.

Thank you for your reply TN – And thank you for telling me there is always a hope. I will try to keep talking to you all here, I´m afraid that I just talk in circles, talk to much, and noone understands. But beeing a part of this comunity has helped me a lot. Thank you all.

Hey LittleMe,

I don't really know what to say but I want you to know I am reading and I feel for you. I think it's so sad how much difficulty you're had just getting people to understand what you need to heal. I hope you do manage to find it. You've certainly suffered more than enough already.

Hey Little Me,

TN is right- there is always hope. Keep posting here- don't give up. There are many wise people on this site. (I for one, am still learning, but I have received so much help from posting here, and the members do care.

I hope you get some answers. Many cyber hugs to you.

Trigger warning SI

Thank you Alpaca and Mayo.

I am struggling not to break, I have to keep up my spirit, I can not give up, where and how will that end. I have two daughters that care about me. For them I can´t give up.

I have to keep looking for a new T. The one that came to my house did not sound good. I ask myself am I in a position to really have an opinion on that? I need help now, I have to take what I get.

It just feels so bad that this T saw how bad I felt when he came to my house, why does he let me wait for so long? And when I told him I cut myself to try to regulate my emotions, he said “that is not allowed if you want to work with me” I know it is not allowed, I know T´s are supposed to say something like that, but he was so harsh and cold when he said this. It was like he was really angry with me. I don´t know… maybe I over react… But somehow it didn´t feel right.

The psychoanalyst was great, I felt good seeing her, I felt some connection. But I think she was scared of my outbursting emotions. I should have cancelled my session with her. When I was on my way to her office, the T from my DBT group called and said they had decided I could not continue the group.

I look through the internet trying to find some therapists. On one website a woman was asking if someone had worked with psychiatrist “X”. She said this was the only psychiatrist that did not have a long waiting list. I told her in PM that there was a reason for that. Maybe some of you remember when I told you about my xT that hit on me, danced with me, kissed me, touched me sexually and squeezed herself into my taxi. So maybe she is the only psychiatrist in my country that does not have a long waiting list.

I saw that this psychiatrist was working at the hospital when I was there in December. It was really triggering and I felt bad, I did something terrible. I have to tell you about that soon.

Thank you all for being there.
Little Me

Little Me-
Just keep sharing. you are safe here. We all have our shit... our secrets. Try to keep it together for your girls too. How old are they? do they live with you? do they know... understand what you are going through. Hang on and just keep posting. I dont know cutting, but I do know suffering to release pain. Many here can relate to your situation.
Your former T is a manipulator... keep looking for the good T you deserve. you made a wase choice to get away from manipulative taxi T.

Hang in there!