quote:

I'm sorry, I know I keep doing the same thing over and over, and having the same feelings over and over but that seems to be what I need to do.

Hey AG! Welcome back!

You know this is true. It will likely take as many if not more passess to retrace the healthy patterns that are being made in your brain as were the ill patterns that made them. Does that make sense? (I'm quite foggy and I have a major stress headache with eye pain for last several days.) So don't aplogize for doing the same thing over and over again. We all do that. But think of it this way, each time we make another pass it fills in those old trenches and creates new connections and one day it will just click. But your experience is important because we get to witness it with you each time you share your growth with us. It's always inspiring and helpful.

So thank you!
JM

quote:

And I REALLY don't want to call or email him right now, I've almost made it through his whole vacation without contacting him, and I would like to be able to get through until Tuesday.

AG

Is this for you, or for him, or to prove something? I hope that doesn't sound confrontational, it wasn't meant to, just a question.

The only reason I am asking is because I have really been struggling with the idea that I am bothering or annoying my T when I call her. She has never made me feel this way, it is just my lack of confidence and fear of asking anyone for comfort. At my last session, she told me that she would be around this weekend and checking her vm's. I told her that I was still struggling with this and she said, "Why don't you think of it as making a connection."

Yesterday I was able to do some pretty significant things (one most especially having to do with working through the grief of my mom's death), and I thought, ok I'll "make a connection" with my T. I knew that she would understand how important my accomplishments were and I just wanted to leave a message to tell her. I was pretty happy and proud of myself as I called her. But as I started to explain what I had done, this major emotion and knowledge of how this is related to working through my grief, took me over. I started to choke up and tears started to fall and I could barely speak. But I did push through, which is not typical for me. I usually shut down when I feel emotions coming up. And to make it worse (in my demented pea brain) I ended the conversation by saying, "I love you for understanding my craziness." I have NEVER told her this, and it is not something I can say easily to anyone. My children are really the only ones I feel comfortable saying "I love you" to. So needless to say, I sobbed my eyes out after I hung up the phone.

Afterwards I was a little regretful that I had made myself so vulnerable, as vulnerability scares the pants off me. But today as I think more clearly about it, I think that I have really made a significant shift in my relationship with my T. The trust I have in her is more than I have ever felt with anyone. I am scared to death to see her on Tuesday as I think it will be a very deep session, but I also know it will be a necessary one. I know she will handle me very gently and I know she realizes that this was a huge step for me. And I know it has a whole lot to do with my attachment issues and I agree with you in wondering if this is what a secure attachment feels like.

So anyway, after all my babbling, my point is that if you really think that calling him or emailing him will help you, then do it. It really is all about you. And you have described him as such a good T that I know he realizes it is all about you too.

And BTW, I'm really glad you are back.

PL

AG I am sooo glad you are back! But I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this issue. Yes, you have made it through to this point without a phone call and that is wonderful...BUT... if you need to make that connection then I KNOW your T would want you to. He would not want you to suffer just to prove a point that you could go the entire time without needing that connection back to him. You are making such enormous progress and you really need to see that and know that if you do make this call it does not mean that you have set that progress back in any way. You KNOW that my T has told me that he wants me to call him instead of silently suffering and you know how hard that is for me to call him. You have encouraged me to do just that. So why would you deny yourself some peace and comfort when it would be okay for me to ask for it?? (I'm going to resist saying "gotcha" )

As for the feeling of repeating the same feelings over and over... that is so normal for all of us. We do not develop these issues overnight. Those loss of attachment feelings are serious and have been something we have carried with us for many years and they will not go away so quickly. As JM has said we need to work on those new pathways in our brain and it takes repetition and time. And the last thing I want you to do is to apologize to us for feeling this way.

I completely understand about wondering what it would feel like to have had that secure attachment as a child and being fearful that if you get a taste of it and then have to give it up then it would be too painful and cause you all kinds of deep emotional grief. It's like that feeling when you are a child and get a glimpse of what a funtional family looks like and knowing that you don't have that... it hurts like hell. And we grew up with this empty aching feeling that we could never have that, that we didn't deserve that...BUT WE DO. And getting a taste of it with your T scares you because you feel you can't keep it forever and giving up what you longed for your entire life seems unbearable. I hope I'm explaining this so that it makes some sense. I'm also experiencing this and trying to work it out in my own mind. I don't really have all the answers but I think it goes back to what they say in General Theory of Love... that with time you will be able to unfurl your wings and fly off. You will get that secure attachment worked out with your T and you will internalize it like a child would as they grow and explore life away from their secure base until they don't need that attachment figure to survive. They will always want to go back to visit that base/person but it won't be life and death. It will be a nice warm accepting feeling to be received back but you will be your own strong, fulfilled person and the aching emptiness will be replaced with self-esteem, self-love and self- acceptance. These are the gifts that your T will help you to give yourself.

In the meantime you need him and you should not feel guilty about that or think you don't deserve to have someone to care for you. He would not want you to feel that way and it really serves no productive purpose. So call.. and if you really don't feel you can then just keep talking to us here.

((((AG)))))

TN

AG,

What True North said.

Seriously, though, it's not a "challenge" to not call, or anything. He's there for that, it's part of his practice, it's his job. It sounds weird, but he's not your friend, you're not _bothering_ him: you're doing work with a professional towards a very important goal that's really really hard and takes a long time.

Just sayin'. Also? Lots of admiration.

Glad you're back!

Hi AG...

I just wanted to say that I understand why you may want to challenge yourself to get to Tuesday without making contact with your T. At times, when I have found myself the most "needy" I have purposely tortured myself just to make sure I could survive it. I know my T is always there for me and don't question that. But at times I have questioned whether or not I really needed to make that call. And sometimes after making the call...I have found that it has not really helped me and has exacerbated my feelings. So I have a habit of testing myself and my own coping skills. It often illuminates something I do need to work on...especially if I find my coping skill is not adequate.

It sounds like your last session made you feel very vulnerable (like a turtle with no shell.) I can sure relate to that. It also sounds like your T may have used an "intentional" trigger (by not answering your email) to see how you would deal with it. This may...or may not be true. You might ask him if that was his intention. They do test us all the time...which I find to be one of the most disturbing aspects of therapy.
It is so hard to think they would actually put us through this stuff intentionally...but it is part of the growing process and/or pains. It also sounds like it worked, and as a result you had a session with alot of content. I am sorry it has caused you so much grief...and I'm pretty sure your T feels that way too or he would not have been so emotional, I'm sure he has been worried about how you are doing. He may be resisting the need to call you too.

Anyway...just a thought. I think you should feel supported in whatever decision you make for yourself. Either way there is no right or wrong to it. Finding out what you need is what is most important to him.

SD

Hey AG! I'm happy you're home safe and back to the boards!

Let me just say- I know EXACTLY how you are feeling (well, maybe not exactly, but pretty close ). My T was on vacation for a week, which means I didn't see her for two. I made it through the first week and a half without calling her... but broke and called 3 times in the last four days! I was really trying hard not to call her because I wanted to show her that I could use the tools she has given me to exist on my own for a while. I guess 10 days is my max for now.

quote:

And now that I've experienced this, I am again left with the grief of what I lost.

I am a little perplexed by the above statement. What exactly have you lost due to the recent intimacy with your T? Or are you afraid of losing something? Sorry I'm not getting it, but I'd like to know if your willing to clarify.


HB and AG-

quote:

All that connecting that both you and i have had recently doesn't stop the hurt. Right now hiding seems to be the better option. As incredible as connection is the moment you try and hold on to it it slips away.

What possible reason do we have for doing this? Why feel if it is only going to hurt?

I want to remind each of you that much like feeling, hiding does not really make your pain go away either. You clearly know this, but I thought it might help to hear it. As for why we do this, well, I can't speak for you, but it is my experience that I cannot feel love, grace, acceptance, beauty or compassion unless I can feel hurt, pain, bitterness, anger and cruelty. It is my belief that we intentionally suffer the agony of these attachments in order to appreciate and experience all the good things that numbness doesn't acknowledge. To me, it's like the difference between living in a world that is in black and white versus a world that is in color; either everything is relatively monochromatic, bleak and desperate, or we put up with seeing all of the ugly colors (c'mon, who really likes fuscia?) for the benefit of being able to see all the beautiful blues and greens and oranges, etc.

I hope that helps some. Wishing you brighter days tomorrow...

-CT

quote:

To me, it's like the difference between living in a world that is in black and white versus a world that is in color; either everything is relatively monochromatic, bleak and desperate, or we put up with seeing all of the ugly colors (c'mon, who really likes fuscia?) for the benefit of being able to see all the beautiful blues and greens and oranges, etc.

CT

This is a very powerful statement for me. I have lived my life as everything being either black/white or right/wrong. I have such difficulty seeing the gray areas and therefore cheating myself from experiencing the colorful areas. Worrying about how it would "look" or "feel" for me to have all those difficult emotions, keeps me from enjoying the joyous ones. I see now that ignoring these emotions is not the way I want to live. Of course realizing this, does not mean that I am ready to open myself up to sharing these emotions with anyone. After all, what if I get rejected for it? Attachment, attachment, attachment.

Making a connection with my T has been an overwhelming experience. Like nothing I have ever felt before. But I agree with what has been said - why make a connection if it is going to hurt? I am in fear all the time of losing my T, even though she has told me repeatedly that she is not going anywhere, no matter what I say or do. In my mind, there is always a chance that she may tire of me, or get mad at me and dump me. I've told her that she needs to keep reminding me that she won't leave.

Whew, this is bringing up a lot of emotions in me right now. So now back to the original title of this thread - hoping I can make it to Tuesday.

PL

quote:

I am in fear all the time of losing my T, even though she has told me repeatedly that she is not going anywhere, no matter what I say or do. In my mind, there is always a chance that she may tire of me, or get mad at me and dump me.

You know, PL, it's funny you say that. Last week, I also expressed to my T that I was worried she was going to mad at me, finally have enough of me and "kick me out." She assured me that she will never get rid of me like that and that she has never even been mad at any of her clients. I then said, "well there is a first time for everything." and she said, "yes, there is, but I don't take what you say personally so I can't get mad at you." Then- geez she knows me so well- she said "And don't take that as me laying down the gauntlet. It is not a challenge for you to try and see how far you can push it without me getting mad" HAHAH I thought that was so funny because I have been known to test a few limits!

Anyway, back to what I wanted to tell you PL. When she was telling me that she wasn't going to kick me out, I asked her if I could have that in writing. She said yeah, if I wanted it! I was so surprised because I was half-joking, not expecting her to say yes. Well, she didn't end up writing anything because we got distracted and forgot before it was time to leave, but I wrote her a note telling her I REALLY did want something saying that she wasn't going to kick me out of therapy and that her boundaries with me are not a reflection of my worth. If she does it, I think it will help me when I get really low because it is so easy for her words to jumbled and distorted when there just in my head. Having something concrete might really help. SO... I wonder if that would help you to understand that your T won't tire of you? I don't know if she's be willing to do it for you, but it might be something to think about. I'll let you know if my T does it this week...

Hoping you and AG both make it till Tuesday (calling your T's if need be of course).

-CT

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
with time...you will get that secure attachment worked out with your T and you will internalize it like a child would as they grow and explore life away from their secure base until they don't need that attachment figure to survive...the aching emptiness will be replaced with self-esteem, self-love and self- acceptance.
TN

this is a perfect articulation of the goal of therapy; to repair damaged (or create never existing) emotional neural pathways that have stunted our development and created awful neurotic symptoms. that tortuous desire to be attached to someone will be replaced by a real attachment to ourselves, and because we can never really abandon ourselves, we're good to go at that point. at least that's the way i see it and hope it will be for myself and every one who goes through this process.

AG, don't torture yourself over not calling your T. if you really need that connection, i think you should make it. making it until tuesday doesn't really prove anything, especially if it's making you miserable. i think the fact that you are where you are in your work is enviable, despite it being so hellish. your mind and soul are healing, and you are feeling it. i think that's a reason to celebrate a little.

Russ

quote:

What possible reason do we have for doing this?Why feel if it is only going to hurt?

((((HB)))) We do it because it isn't only going to hurt. Grief is the price we pay for the love we share. To embrace life, to know joy, beauty, love, and wonder is to know sadness, grief and pain. In order to live life fully, to be in the moment, we have to accept everything that comes with that and some of what comes is suffering. I am not insensible to what you're dealing with, I felt the same way when I lost my mother-in-law. I had done what I wasn't suppposed to, I had let myself love and need someone and lo and behold, I was in a great deal of pain. But I had to come to grips with the fact that if I had to do it over I would do the same thing again. The pain I was in was a reasonable price to pay for what I had with my MIL. One I paid gladly because I wouldn't have traded my relationship with her for the world.

I know you feel the same way about your T. But when you've experienced the kind of profound loss that we have, that was in no way balanced by the good that should have also been, the ledger tips too quickly to the side of too much pain. I know this hurts and hurts badly but its worth it. Because you also carry your relationship with your T and the amazing things you learned from him with you for the rest of your life.

And you are too much of a shining spirit to ever live in dimness. So that's why. I'm sorry for the pain you're in but it's grief, not despair so that you will heal and not always feel this way.

Thanks to all of you who so rightly told me to call my T. I actually thought you were quite constrained considering how freely I bandy about my opinion when its someone else. Thank you for your gentleness. I called my T. He called me back and we had a very brief conversation (under a minute)in which I was able to tell him I just needed to connect and he totally got it. I felt immensely better. He had just gotten back from vacation and it was just good to experience him being back and being there. Tuesday stopped feeling quite so far away.

quote:

It also sounds like your T may have used an "intentional" trigger (by not answering your email) to see how you would deal with it. This may...or may not be true. You might ask him if that was his intention. They do test us all the time...which I find to be one of the most disturbing aspects of therapy.

Soufuldaze,
Thanks for what you said about the challenge, I really think that was part of it. To see if I could make it. Then I realize that I've done enough of this on my own for my lifetime. But I appreciate you understanding that.

I have talked to my T about "intentional triggers" during a previous problem. OK, talked may have been too mild a word, I asked him if he had done something deliberately and I told him I wasn't an ^**#ing specimen" were my exact words. He told me then, and told me again this time, that there never had been nor would there ever be a strategic canceling of an appt or not answering my communications. He told me that if you wait long enough everything happens in therapy, and that although it is never his intention that he knows that there are times that he will fail me so theres no need to set it up. On the other hand, he has also told me that he will NOT lie to me. So when he screws up we end of dealing with it because he won't hide it. I like it this way. I would rather be honestly hurt by him, then to have him lie to me.

quote:

And now that I've experienced this, I am again left with the grief of what I lost.

CT,
I can see why you asked. What I meant by this is that when I experience my Ts attunement, understanding and compassion and the way I feel when I receive those, it brings into stark contrast what I didn't get from my parents as a child. So at first there is a deep gratitude and joy for what I'm experiencing but it is often followed by grief because what I'm getting now is exactly what I didn't get then. Hope that makes more sense. Eventually, I will work my way through all this grief and just be left with the goodness. BTW, I loved what you said about color versus grayness, I often think of my recovery that way.

Sorry it has taken so long for me to reply, I'm fighting some kind of head cold and sleeping alot. Thank you all so much for listening and understanding and being so patient with me while I go through this journey. Its good to have this place to go to.

AG

quote:

I told him I wasn't an ^**#ing specimen" were my exact words. He told me then, and told me again this time, that there never had been nor would there ever be a strategic canceling of an appt or not answering my communications. He told me that if you wait long enough everything happens in therapy, and that although it is never his intention that he knows that there are times that he will fail me so theres no need to set it up. On the other hand, he has also told me that he will NOT lie to me. So when he screws up we end of dealing with it because he won't hide it. I like it this way. I would rather be honestly hurt by him, then to have him lie to me.

AG

LOL...

I'm relieved to hear that you have already covered this with your T. I may have worded my response too strongly, I thought about it all night and didn't feel quite right about it.

I guess the correction I would like to make is that I don't believe that our T's purposely or intentionally set up a situation to "study" our responses. That is best left to students and studies that will not inflict damage to a fragile psyche.

The way I personally experience it, is in the way my T asks me how I did while she was gone or how I felt when she did not return my call...or whatever. It makes me suspect that she is testing me...and she is...in a way. She is trying to find out how I cope in her absence...and she is testing her own effectiveness in my life. It does disturb me at times...but I don't think she would actually lie to me...or set me up. That is just paranoia, and me being suspicious because of my own "stuff." You are right...it all comes out in therapy...eventually.

I know that I personally do not deal with some of my challenges appropriately. I do push myself very hard to cope with situations that I need help with. It is one of my hurdles. I grew up in a family of medical professionals so it is difficult for me to seek help unless it is an emergency! And I frequently ignore things unless I am in imminent danger. Many people have tried to correct this with me...but it is a stubborn reality that I have to continue to work on. I am currently ignoring several physical problems that I don't feel I can emotionally cope with right now. I am just hoping they don't become emergencies until I feel better able to deal with them and be more pro-active. In any case...I know I will adapt and deal with whatever happens from day to day. It sometimes helps to know that I have a built in system to deal with such contingencies. It doesn't make me feel any less anxious about it...but I can trust that I will survive it. *trying to hide the crossed fingers behind my back*

SD

SD,
I didn't think you were too strong about it at all. I have certainly thought about it at times, obviously, or I would never have brought it up with my T. But I do think I misunderstood thinking that you meant deliberately.

One of the things I really appreciate about my T is that he takes the symbolic weight and importance of our relationship seriously. He knows that there really isn't anything small or inconsequential about any of his actions towards me. So pretty much ANYTHING that happens is grist for the theraputic mill. He often asks me about how I feel about things that happen. He ran twenty minutes late once for a session (rare and as far as I can tell always related to a patient emergency) and the first thing he asked me was how I felt about that. (Of course, his cell rang as he was asking that and we both lost it laughing.). But I also understand the discomfort.

There was one time when he opened the door and there were two of us waiting for the same appt. I freaked, went straight to deciding it must have been my fault.) He asked the other woman to come in and asked me to wait (I seriously thought about just bolting but I really needed the session.) She came out, said she was sorry and he told me to come in. I was so agitated that I knocked a huge stack of magazines off the table when I got up (I still flinch when I remember it). After we started, I tried to just ignore the whole thing and my T totally called me on it. He said I seemed agitated and had what happened upset me? OK, I'm thinking "no S$%^ Sherlock, but I don't want to talk about it." He can be gently relentless when he wants to be. The upside is that I really trust this man, so that when he pushes me out of my comfort zone, I trust I need to go there. But that doesn't mean I don't want to throw things at him sometimes. Which I also tell him.

(BTW, his policy is that whoever's written in his appt book, gets the appt. I was in the book so I stayed. Have I mentioned that my T's one fatal flaw is his inability to keep his appts straight? It is at times infuriating and at times endearing. )

AG

quote:

There was one time when he opened the door and there were two of us waiting for the same appt.

AG

This happened one time to me too. When my T opened the door, the look on her face told it all. She couldn't believe it either. Anyway, she asked me to come in for a minute and while she was deciding what to do, I was imagining her telling me I had to leave. I could see myself going to the car and crying my eyes out. Who was she going to pick????? Possible MAJOR rejection here. Thankfully, she rescheduled the other woman. But, the damage had been done. I was so flustered for the whole session. It even bothered me the next day so I wrote my T a letter just to let her know how much it had upset me. It really was an honest mistake, but throw me out of my comfort zone, or change the plan on me and I'm a wreck!

I wonder how much our T's understand that the slightest variation of things can set us off?

PL

PL,
That's why my T told me he had the rule of whoever's in the book gets the appointment. That way he's not choosing who goes and who stays because he knows what kind of affect that would have on his clients. And I must admit it would have been bad either way. I thought I was going to be sent away and all I could think about was how I was going to make it to my car before becoming hysterical. I was dreading the fact that not only would I burst out into tears but I would do it in front of the woman getting "my" appointment.

On the other hand, if I thought that my T had chosen to give it to me instead, I would start reading too much into it and wondering if he liked me better or if I was a "special" client.

We talked about a couple of times and both pretty much agreed that it's just not a good time for anyone who's involved.

So I know there are times he messes up, but in general, I think my T really knows how important anything he does can be.

AG

Okay PL and AG, it's Tuesday... how have your days/appointments been?

-CT

CT,
I didn't see this post until right before I HAVE to go out! I'll post more later but my appointment was awesome but work is insane. Which is much better than the reverse would be!

Thank you for asking!

AG

Wow CT, you're really on the ball aren't you?

It was a very good session, but as you can imagine, very exhausting! Yes, we talked about the "I love you" phone call. And just like any typical T, she wanted me to tell her all my feelings about it, what I thought she thought about it, yada, yada, yada. I could tell though that she had also been effected by my phone call, and I could really feel a deep love and strong relationship between the two of us. We talked about how this is a one sided relationship, but that she is real and genuine in her responses to me. And this is the real her, that she would be the same outside of therapy too.

We also talked, in depth, about my fears of vulnerability and how that effects my life. How I am afraid to ask for comfort, but how that is also denying the significant people in my life the chance to be able to give me comfort. Hmm.... that's one I need to think about.

We agreed that there has been a shift in our relationship, but I need to get to the part where I can tell myself it is ok to have these feelings and emotions. I'm not there yet, and I'm having a hard time seeing that that will happen.

She keeps working hard at letting me know that she will not reject or abandon me. I guess I just have a very thick skull! The "what if's" are still too overpowering.

I left with tears in my eyes, but knowing that she really does care for me. Of course now the 24 hour doom and gloom is trying to set in. Do ya think she would just let me come back and crawl up into her lap so she can prove her love for me? Guess not. So for the moment, it is all worth it. Until I start getting crazy thoughts................

Thanks for asking CT.

PL

PL,
That is SO awesome to hear. That you were able to be so vulnerable and talk about your feelings for your T and about your relationship is really major stuff. That you are learning to seek comfort with other people is a really really good thing to be doing. I'm so glad that your T was understanding and accepting but even better that she was able to reassure you about being there for you and not abandoning you. I know that the doubts start creeping in, but just keep reminding yourself of what she said. It's real, and you can trust it. Thanks for sharing about it, its really encouraging to hear about that kind of progress.

AG

I had a really amazing session with my T yesterday. Its the first time I've seen him in two weeks because he was on vacation.

I started by telling him I missed him while I was gone. He asked me how I felt about saying that and I totally suprised myself by saying "Good! I know its ok to say it and it's how I felt." He reacted in a positive manner. I also realized that, unlike his last vacation, while I did miss him, I wasn't worried about being abandoned or him not coming back.

We spent most of the session talking about our last session. I told him how I had never gone that deep or actually let down all my defenses and let myself fully experience the grief. But that when I did, I felt him with me every step of the way. That I went to a place defined by its loneliness and wasn't alone any more. And that it had always felt like if I let myself start to experience that grief it would never stop. How shocked I had been that it lasted around 10 minutes. How emotional he had sounded in the middle of witnessing it.

When I came out of the grief, there was an amazing shift, a "lightening" I actually felt really good. Loved, cared for, and open. I told my T that I have been struggling to take in what happened because it was so different. Good different, but good emotions are still emotions and I needed to learn to handle those too. That I had never felt so vulnerable, yet secure, that I had actually thought "so this is what its like to be me." I felt so connected and was filled with love and gratitude for him, as well as feeling loved and valued. That it had been so easy to talk on a deep level and be open with my feelings. But that I needed to check with him because I didn't quite trust it. That somehow I had imagined it or made it up.

He was very reassuring about it happening, and about why I would need the reassurance.

The hardest thing I had to tell him was that I had even felt something I had so rarely felt, and that it felt scary to even say. I had felt beautiful. I think I was honestly scared he was going to laugh, even though I know better. Saying that feels incredibly vulnerable (typing this feels incredibly vulnerable ). My T responded in this incredibly gentle voice (if it was a blanket, I'd wrap it around me and NEVER take it off) that he was glad I had felt that way, that I deserved to feel that way, I had always deserved to feel that way. I couldn't talk for a few minutes that was so amazing to hear.

I asked him if he had noticed a difference in me because internally it felt like such a major shift, had he seen it? He told me he hadn't noticed a difference. Sinking heart. I replied "oh, ok." Being the sensitive T he is, he asked if I was disappointed with that answer? Again, suprisingly, I was able to tell him yes. That him saying he hadn't noticed a difference made me feel like the closeness and being in sync that I had experienced must not have happened if something so major happened inside me and he hadn't even noticed.

To which he replied that he thought he hadn't seen a change because I had been letting down my defenses and being open and talking about my feelings the whole time that he had been working with me. He went back to the beginning of our work together and gave me a lot of examples. Then he said that he had been experiencing our relationship as close and connected for a long time. That he believed that I had finally become conscious of something that I had actually been doing for a long time. Again, unbelieveably amazing to hear.

There's such a strong sense of having come so far, through so much. I am so grateful that all the pain and terror that I endured were worth it in the end.

Near the end, I told him that it had scared me to feel that way, what if I never felt that way again? But in the spirit of Tennyson, I would rather have experienced that once than never to have experienced it. He agreed, but reassured me that it was a part of me now and I could experience it again.

It was really really good. I feel happy which is a weirdness in and of itself. I'm trying not to look too closely at it and scare it away.

I want to say thank you to everyone here. You have been such a support on this journey and provided me with so much insight and wisdom.

Oh and for all of you who want to say "I told you so" fire away. My T told me it was really great that I called when I did.

AG

I'm really happy for you, AG: it sounds like you were really able to connect with your T and have him acknowledge the connection - it must have been even better to hear how long he felt like it'd been there.

Wow, that sounds like the kind of T session we all dream about. Well, of course you totally deserve it, AG. Anyone who suffers is entitled to have their suffering end, in my opinion, and it sounds like you're on your way there. How awesome is that?

Russ

Wow AG incredible! My T has been encouraging me to find what I need within myself and not to keep looking externally for it, even to him, if you know what I mean. The feeling beautiful 'admission'!!! is something that runs very deep with me and I guess with a lot of us that have been made to feel dirty or ugly in our past. It's really significant that you have come to that and I congratulate you on getting there and on believing it to be true because it is within you and no-one can take it away.

LOS

Thanks Russ, Wynne and LOS, your joy for me really means a lot!

HB,
I did NOT for a moment think you were talking about the phone call. I remembered your promise to me. Thank you for keeping it, never has an "I told you so" sounded so sweet!.

AG