Sorry you last session was so hard I hate those kinds of sessions.

I have no idea how to get to a place of attunement in my work with T - sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. She can be off or I (usually) can. I don't think it happens accidentally I know my T tries to get us there if she notices it I can feel her keep us there. If I let her in, it happens more - usually she is waiting there ready and willing to try. We've also... because I've gone sooo slowww in trusting her I think sort of settled in to a pattern so it's hard for either of us to move out of that but she follows me lead.

Anyway... sometimes it does feel like random chance and I can promise you after an extraordinary session there is almost always a misfire session after. About 18 months ago my T said we were finally getting to the point we could get on a roll for more than 2-3 sessions in a row without me rejecting or antagonizing her. Now it's much more, but we have to keep up 2x/week sessions to make sure the positivity stays there... a week in-between and things just get too distant.

Best of luck to you, it will come.

Yeah, ditto. I had a couple of crap sessions last week and the week before - so here's hoping that we are in tune for this week

I told her it was a crappy session and she wasn't in tune with me or listening and a pile of other horrible things, so god knows what the next session will be like. I just keep turning up.

I'm sorry your last session was so painfully disconnected. Sometimes attunement seems like some sort of magic spell that has to be cast just right in order to work. The grief of disconnection is one of the bigger pains I've had to deal with in therapy. After finally feeling heard and having someone be really present and feeling less alone and safer, when it feels as if that is just an illusion crumbling around me, it is devastating.

T and I have been on a roll lately with attunement and I'm scared to death before every session that THIS will be the one I blow it or he does or the relationship just feels gone. It was really rocky for the first 12-15 months of working together and it seemed like we couldn't string together consecutive connected sessions. Although we still have off days, I have found the attunement is much better with the two or three sessions a week. I think partly it is that he has a better sense of where I'm at with us meeting so often...but, mostly that I don't completely lose a sense of his existence when there are only a few days in between seeing (or in the case of Skype, talking to) him.

((((cat monte SD Yaku))))

Thank you guys so much for your responses. It really helps me to hear your thoughts.



SD-- I love your mantra "I just keep turning up." Yup, I definitely relate to that. Just go, and see what happens. There are times when my therapy feels like a soap opera. I have this bizarre curiosity to know what happens next, where my crazy fucked up emotions are going to be, and that keeps me hanging on, even if by a thread.

Effed, I saw my T today. It is holidays here and my T said she was working this morning - she saw me at 9 until 10.30 and then we sat and chatted for another half an hour. And there was no one after me and no one before me. I think my T turned up to work especially for me today. I feel honoured, special, cared-for yet guilty.

Our session was gentle after 3 weeks of utter turmoil. last week I was telling her lots of horrible and difficult things how she wasn't in tune, she was pushing me too hard, attacking me, cornering me, having too much power - oh I let loose. She stuffed up repeatedly by forgetting to follow thru on contacts. She admitted her mistakes many times, apologised for that and for hurting me and hoped I would go back.

Basically it has been a cockup and dog's breakfast and traumatic and horrible and utter crap. It hasn't just been her part in it - some shit things have happened to me over the past 3 weeks, I told her she is the cherry on the cake.

Today was a healing session.

It can happen.

Today I felt the calmest after a session that I have felt - probably for ever. Today she listened and was with me.

It can happen. It can happen.


Today I feel like I won a prize. I won it because I just kept turning up and pushing through the utter pain. I kept believing in her. It has been hard but today felt like gold. Painful gold, but gold.

Just keep trying everyone, trust in that relationship, keep turning up.

Somedays

quote:

I love your mantra "I just keep turning up." Yup, I definitely relate to that. Just go, and see what happens. There are times when my therapy feels like a soap opera. I have this bizarre curiosity to know what happens next, where my crazy fucked up emotions are going to be, and that keeps me hanging on, even if by a thread.

Sorry I have to laugh, because it is so true.. It just pretty much sums up why I go and because I am attached to the hip
Hope things go better

SD -- I did want to say THANK YOU for sharing your experience that is awesome.

Just reading the phrase 'cock up' made my day

Scattered -- thanks for the good wishes



I was waiting to update for when I would have that AMAZING session. I've had a few okay sessions since this post, and this week was back to "this shit sucks". I do feel like I am making a major mess of therapy!!! Gahhh