So, of course, texting with T again today. I sent him a text this morning about how I was trying to detach, but it was making me panic, so I gave up and just wanted to connect. Said, "Just one more day. I can make it that long right?"

And T said, "Right! Connecting is good. Jesus does it too... Dr_."

So, of course my brain went, "Jesus does it too...so go connect with him like you're supposed to and leave me alone!" So, I let him know that even though I was intellectually sure that he hadn't intended that meaning that it is what part of me heard and how it hurt/confused me, put me into my feelings of failing expectations and being a burden, felt like dad saying, 'I'm busy, go ask mom," when mom isn't even at home. Yes, I text T too much. Please don't suggest I stop. I literally can't. Like, it is impossible. I freak out when I try.

Anyway, I was feeling good at just exposing those thoughts, because it made it easier for me to tell myself that T obviously would not mean such a thing. So then, T texts back:

"Sorry it's so hard. You're not at all a burden... " and then instead of signing off with his usual Dr_, he signed off with the initial of his first name.

I don't know WHY that is such an intense experience for me. I know that other people here use their T's first names, so I don't think there is anything wrong with him doing that. It makes me feel close to him, and I'm sure that is what he is trying to do. Let me feel like it's OK to be connected to him without feeling guilty, or sinking my fears of being a failure or a burden. I get that.

But, I feel kind of knocked over. I'm getting all manner of weird sensations in my body (some of which have been described in another thread a few weeks ago ) , just from one single keystroke. One letter of the alphabet. Part of me thinks maybe it was an accident or a coincidence. There is no way he could be purposefully identifying himself in that sort of a way to me...but I guess he must be. What is this T doing to me? How much more hopelessly attached will I become? It feels very dangerous!

Anyway, I sent him a nice, appreciative reply and I'm feeling really good right now. Boo is napping. The house is quiet for a bit after a very hectic day. I'm going to go have a nice shower to myself (usually Boo won't let me) and just rest in these feelings of thankfulness for as long as they last. But, just...wow. I don't know what to say. Is it going to keep getting more intense like this? I'm not fighting it anymore, but I still worry that it will eventually just be too much for him to deal with...these heavy, disproportionate feelings toward my T.