I once said ' a cup of tea would help" after repeated questioning and was told that she does not make tea.
So that is not very helpful.
But I think she is trying to see what you want from her and so maybe just think what do you want. Sometimes I want a cuddle sometimes I want to lie down sometimes I want to talk a lot sometimes I want to feel safe and sometiems I want to work on a problem and see how I can undo it and sometimes I want to learn some CBT stuff and sometimes I want to kick out with my legs, all possible answers to 'how can I help?'

Does that help or not?

Hi Sweetpea

It sounds like maybe your T is giving you a chance to ask for what you need...but most of us here have a really hard time even knowing that we have needs...much less telling others what they are...in some cases we grew up in families where we were made to feel bad for having needs...so hopefully therapy is a safe place where we are encouraged to speak about what we need...have you told your T that you have a hard time answering that question? Is she patient with you when you don't know the answer? I hope you can hear her question, not as pressure to answer "right" (which is what I would do so I understand if that's what you're doing), but more as a chance to find out within yourself, not only what your needs are, but even that it's okay to have needs...good luck, and let us know how it goes for you.

SG

HI Sweetpea,

My T used to open are sessions asking the question, "What good thing happened this week?" Or something like that. And I hated that question, because I spent so much of my life telling people things were good when they weren't. I started throwing the question back at him. And now he doesn't ask me anymore. I'm just wondering if you can tell your T to stop asking the question????

Sheychen: thanks that does help. now i just have to decide what it is i want from her!

Strummergirl: yeah i've told her hundreds and hundred of times that i don't know the answer! she is patient but i bet she's getting bored of me by now. i wish i new what my needs are. it confuses me.

Liese: that's funny I've thought of turning the question around on her and asking 'How can you help me?' but that might be kinda cheeky of me..

Mad Hatter: Nice to meet you too! you're right, i think it's mostly because i don't feel safe with her yet but at the same time i really dunno what to ask from her anyway. my thoughts are so confused all the time. she asked me to start keeping a journal of my feelings. I think that's really brave that you asked her to come sit with you. i wish i was brave enough to ask for something like that. there always seems to be so much distance between us. she says it's because i put up barriers and block her out. i don't mean to..

Thanks everyone!

HI Sweetpea,

I guess it was cheeky of me, huh? I used to see a little smile on his face when I beat him to the punch.

I like what the others have written. And I also like what your T said. About keeping a journal. But I do know it's so hard, sweetpea, to figure out what our own needs are. It's such a journey. I wonder how she can HELP you figure out what your needs are? I do see my T doing that but not in a direct way. Through my experiences with him. He denies it, but I do think he shifts things so that I will FEEL the difference between say, a caring response and a non-caring response. It's very hard intellectually to know what you NEED. I can read a dozen books about the emotional needs of humans and go back and report to my T. But until I know what I need on an emotional level, it's really not going to do me any good. Comprehende e vous? I can't speak French so I don't even know why I tried!!!!

Sweetpea, Honestly, though, I'm not sure it would be cheeky of you to ask that because isn't that her job? To help you figure out what you need? I'm pretty clueless about my emotional needs and if my T can't help me figure it out, I'm toast!!!!

quote:

that's funny I've thought of turning the question around on her and asking 'How can you help me?' but that might be kinda cheeky of me..

ROFL!!!! I wish I had thought of this months ago! So funny...sweetpea, mind if I borrow this and use it on my T next time???

BB

maybe a journal will help me seperate my thoughts and feelings coz they're so mixed up allllll the time!
i guess maybe i could ask her next week and see what she says! sometimes i just really need a hug but i can't ask for that.

yep no problem blackbird we can both try it out!

Oh BG,

You are too funny!!!! You gave me the first laugh of the day!

quote:

I'd assume that my T had given up and had no clue what to do anymore if she asked me that.

hah...I think that's what I'm feeling when my T asks this question! BG, I like you! wish I could do that! I just sit there and hem and haw, erm, um, ack, uhhhh... and he still asks at the beg of every session. stubborn man. Now he precedes it with a joke..."Here comes the dreaded question, are you ready..."

But, it is sweet that they ask....sweetpea, if you manage to actually ask for something, please, please let us know, because we are all cheering from you in this section!

hah!!! I like that one, DF...may I see the menu? Or "what are today's specials?"

Yeah, idk either...I think my T just means, what do you need to talk about today, it can be anything you want....((my mind thinks this means: "I do not remember you, BB, and I do not have time of inclination to try and help you understand what you need, so, you figure it out for me and make my job easier) Oh, I think I'm in negative transference mode again! oh dear...and I was doing so nicely with my T recently...

I was having issues with my T a few months ago. I was feeling like he was dragging me forward towards change, when I wanted to emotionally take a break.

I finally told him that he kept talking about "change" and that it wasn't helping me right now that it was driving me away from Therapy. He got the idea and we slowed down, it has kept me from running away from the process.

At this point "change" has been a word of amusement for us. It that 6 letter C word.

Have you thought about telling your therapist that you don't know right now how she can help you, so could we give that phrase a break? Can you say that when you are ready to use that phrase again, you will ask her to?

Think of it this way

T: How can I help you?
You: You can help by not asking me that question, because i don't know.

The other option might be to think of it as a question she is asking for the right hear and now. Like how can I help you today?

Like "this session I need help in seeing that i have made some progress." "This session i need you to listen."
"This session I need you to help me focus my ideas." Even if it comes from you gut and it is what you need for the next 5 mins it is still helpful.

In another post you mentioned making notes, I am a firm believer in taking notes into therapy. I take notes in all the time. Sometimes it is subjects to talk about, some times it is stream of conciousness writings from the week, sometimes it is dreams that i have had, Sometimes i feel the need to refute something from the last session. For awhile I had key phrase at the top of my notes. What would life look like if i was allowed to play outside?
How does that feel? When have you felt that before? It helped me focus, and make the best use of therapy.

Just some ideas,

catnip

I have to say, I am glad I am not the only one who has struggled with this question.

I saw a t once, and only once, who asked me that... after I had told her how badly I was stuggling. I told her how I had been cryig and my thoughts were so dark and I was scared and didn't know what to do.

and she asked, "how can i help you?"

my response, "I dunno, what are my options? How can you help me? It would be great to know."

I was serious. Not sarastic at all - but she took it that way. Told me that my anger was not useful or helpful for her helping me.

well thanks.

So I told her "oh, well one option I would like to take off the list is critizing me. That is not helpful to me. How about you tell me all the ways you could help me or someone in this position and struggling with these emotions, then I'll pick one of those ways and you can help me that way. How is that? Otherwise, if I knew how you could help me, I likely would just be doing it myself instead of the pain of coming in here and admitting my problems and asking you to help me."

yeah... I really said that...

and we didn't schedule a second appointment. (no surprise there.)

but I do understand why T's generally ask that. And it is hard as a client because we don't know what they are capable of. It's not like I'm a car that can't start - and even then, my car repair person asks, what seems to be the problem with my car... or generally the question is focused on what is the problem, not how can he help fix my car, and sometimes T's ask the question more like, how can I help fix the car. My response is I dunno, it just is not starting, and I want it to start! and they ask how can I help you? um...

But it makes sense why they ask - trying to see what the probelm is and what we want - which sometimes, I'm not sure. I'm just hurting and not sure if I even need to talk or what. Sometimes the question hits up against my own despair - that there is no help for me and the mess I am drowning in.

It's a tough question.

My T generally asks "how are you today?" as the way to launch the session. Both my eq T and regular T ask this. It's never the same as when a friend asks - but it kinda works as the way for me to say well, I'm struggling with this, or trying to figure out this, or I'm numb or... and then together, we figure out how she can help - and she does.

Catnipcook - I love your advice! notes help me a lot. (and I love your name too! cute!)


great thread on something I have struggled with for ahwile.

Am really glad that my T has never asked that question - I really don't know how I'd ever answer it Have a feeling that's why she never asks!! Hmmm she's probably more likely to see if we can work out how I can help me with her help.

Blanket girl - you made me smile! Thank you...think my T would smile too - she has a good sense of humour

starfish

I like Catnip's answer.

I actually kind of like it when my T asks me this, because sometimes my mind gets going in a million different directions and I feel like I have a laundry list of pain and complaints, but him asking me what can he do to help makes me focus on what my main obstacle is. I do think it's weird that they'd ask you at the beginning of a session, like how would you know before you even start talking? ~D.

blanket girl: that's so funny! i might try that sometime

Blackbird: i'll let me know i probably won't ask for anything though because i'll chicken out..

catnipcook: thanks for all the good ideas!

Janedoe: whoa good job standing up to her! sometimes i feel like my therapist is critisizing me too.

Starfish: I wish mine would stop asking me! its impossible to know the right answer.

Debbeye: i'm glad it helps you focus more. i guess everyone responds differently to questions like that

Thanks everyone for being so nice to me and sorry my reply is so short. i'm buried in work right now

aaaah. so i'm kinda scared about therapy tomorrow! my therapist told me to start keeping a diary. i havn't.. i guess i can always pretend that i did. she also asked me to pick a theme to talk about tomorrow. i can't remember if i wrote about that here already but she thinks that if i choose one thing to talk about each week it'll help me be more prepared and talk more. i have no idea what i want to talk about tomorrow. all my thoughts and feelings are mixed up and i can't seperate them.

Hi Sweetpea,

I'm sorry you're scared for your session tomorrow. My first T on campus told me it might be a good idea to keep a journal, and I did after that session, but she never asked me about it and I never brought it up. She would frequently do that, actually. She gave me "homework"... sometimes she'd say, try to find a friend you think you can trust and ask them how they gauge how others are feeling. Or one time she told me to try and go to a few club meetings that I'd never been to. She never brought any of these things up in the next sessions unless I brought them up first (and out of all the things she "assigned" I only ever talked about one of them).

Do you think you can give yourself a little time to sit, relax, and just be with yourself? Maybe you can then try and just calmly, slowly think about what you might be feeling, pick a feeling, and think about what it might be connected to. And even if you don't know why you're feeling that emotion, that could be your topic for your session. You could just say, "I was feeling ____ and I don't know why." I bet your T could help you out a little from there. And you know what? Even telling her that all of your thoughts and feelings are mixed up is a topic. She might be able to help you sort through them, and that would really be a productive session.

Hang in there, Sweetpea, and let us know how your session goes.

thanks kashley
my therapist is kinda like that sometimes too. she'll ask me to do something as homework and then she'll never ask me about it the week after. i always thought she was just really forgetful or something but maybe she was always waiting for me to bring it up. i never thought about it like that before!
I've been trying. I think i might talk about feeling lonely but i'm not sure if it's enough to keep me talking for the whole session.. i'll be lucky if i can even get 5 minutes out of it.. then i'll be back to my usual staring at the ground and not talking atall Thanks Ill write about how it goes sometime tomorrow!

Good luck sweetpea! I know how hard it is to sit there and stare at the ground.

thanks liese it's not a nice feeling is it?.. i always feel so guilty after..

well, i didn't have therapy after all... she cancelled on me
that means i only have one session left before my christmas holidays and then i don't see her for a month..

Oh sweetpea

I am so sorry that you have been cancelled at such a difficult time for you....I can see why just one session before a month's break will also feel hard, maybe like it's not even worth bringing anything of such significance up before such a break Hugs to you ((((sweetpea)))

starfish

Ohhh, I am so sorry she canceled your session.... oh, I can't imagine how bad that feels. How long before the next one? Could you ask her to schedule an extra one before the break, since it was her fault?

hugs,

BB

I'm so sorry to hear that Sweetpea.

My T sometimes asks me that question and I hate it. I often say things back like, "if I knew that then I'd just do it and I wouldn't need you!" but recently she clarified that it can be something as simple as, "please sit next to me" or something like that. Still, I don't like that question phrased that way.

thanks guys. it just sucks. last week she talked about how she wants me to start trusting her but how can i trust her if she cancels? she used to cancel on me all the time last year too. it kinda ruined my day. i ended up going home from college early and hiding in bed usually when she cancels she doesn't give me a replacement session so i guess i'll just have to wait til next week. i just want to cry but i'm being silly. i shouldn't be making such a big deal over this.

Gosh I don't think you are being a baby at all, Sweetpea. Truly, to have a planned session canceled and no backup offered is really awful, and painful in the extreme- especially if you are feeling attached to your T, and it doesn't sound like you get sessions all that often to begin with. My T has canceled once, but he offered me a backup session- on the weekend no less. That really softened it for me, big time. I know not all T's do this, but still, I think you would be well within your rights to talk about how this cancellation makes you feel. It could propel your therapy forward a bit, too, if you were able to just take a deep breath and say "I find it very difficult when you cancel sessions." I'll bet you'd be surprised at her response. I know that's hard, though, I really do. But that is a big part of the therapy...right there. I'm rooting for you!

hug,

BB

Hi Sweetpea,

When I was with my old T on campus, I remember feeling completely at the mercy of her and the counseling center. I only had a small say in when my sessions were and how often they were. Feeling so much at her (and their) mercy seemed like it made it even harder to go home for winter break, because none of it felt like my choice at all, if that makes any sense (I'm not even quite sure if it makes sense to me...sorry).

Sweetpea, I want to suggest something, but please take it with a HUGE grain of salt, because my opinion is very biased since I dealt with some similar stuff in terms of college Ts. Please know that you are the only one that knows what is right for you.

That being said, I want to say something to help make sure you know all of your options, okay? You probably see your T for free, right? Is there any way that you could pay to see a T off-campus? It's certainly easier if you have health insurance. When I was on campus, I was in "therapy", but I didn't really feel like I was in therapy or *doing* therapy until I found my current T off campus. I now have a say in when my sessions are, how often they are, and even the length (my T recently brought up longer sessions and left it up to me). All of these things make it my therapy, which makes it more productive toward healing.

I guess I just relate to a lot of what you've been saying, like:

quote:

usually when she cancels she doesn't give me a replacement session so i guess i'll just have to wait til next week.

I don't know about you, but I found that I felt helpless in that situation, which happened a few times to me, too. I had to fit into their schedule...there was no collaboration at all.

Anyway, take anything that helps you or forget everything I wrote if none of it does. I just wanted to bring it up, but I'm really sorry if I've offended you or anything.

Take care!

I think if my therapist asked me how she could help I would lose all professional respect for her. At $140 an hour, she better already freaking know how she can help me!!! lol

Hee hee Welcome Lady Grey,

starfish

$140.00 dollars an hour?? (I'll bet that's not even a full hour?) That is outrageous, LadyGrey! Why do T's charge so much money? I feel the same way, my T should be able to figure out how to help me. Unfortunately, he seems to really think that by teaching me to voice it, he *is* helping me. grrrr, therapy paradoxes suck.

thanks blackbird. i'm not sure if i can talk about it though. i dunno if i do feel attached to her. it's weird. i feel like i should be by now but i don't think i do.. i feel bad about that. my next appointment is tomorrow morning. maybe we're not the best match. but there's nothing i can do about that. i hope i won't freeze up tomorrow. thanks for being so nice to me.

Kashley, thanks for replying. i feel like i can relate to you a lot! yeah my t is for free. i dunno if i can afford to see one outside of college right now and i don't think i have health insurance. anyway i'm too scared of my family finding out. You're right though, it doesn't really feel like how i imagined therapy would be. my t kinda just sits there and stares at me and i'm not sure if she really cares about her job. i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere.

i'm scared about tomorrow i don't feel like i'm getting any better.