This is a BIG what if...

What if.. you just allowed yourself to be mistrustful? If what you desire is to have a trusting relationship, you may need time develop trust. And T will have to do his part to earn that trust.

You have said that people will say one thing but think or do another. This is true. Why fight it? I don't trust easily either, and I have good reason not to, because of some recent events that took place. My lack of trust has nothing to do with parents or a spouse (I had a good marriage) but with the fact that a lot of people really ARE untrustworthy. I don't know what the percentage is, but it's a lot. (I’m not trying to convince you of anything, but give food for thought)

I also believe that I was a "target" for abuse because I was naive, not because I lacked trust. I now embrace my lack of trust. I know this sounds odd, but I'm just taking the whole issue and looking at it from all sides- upside down, inside out, etc.. and I know you said that you had the desire to trust. Would you equate trust with feeling less anxiety? Being able to relax? Experiencing more intimacy? Yes, I want those things too. But I don’t think I’m going to get there via trying hard to just “trust” in general. I am also learning who to give the benefit of the doubt, and whose comments need to be taken with a grain of salt.

What is working for me right now is to trust MYSELF FIRST. I know I’m not boring. I know that I’m good at what I do. I spend a lot of time working on myself, and yes, I do seek external validation for my efforts just like anyone else, but I had to learn the hard way that some people’s perceptions of me (including my ex T!) were indeed their own distorted perceptions. I’m not there yet, on some days, it hurts me to my core. On other days, I laugh at the ignorance.

I read in Patricia Evans’s books that many abuse survivors look to confirm their identity and sense of self outside of themselves. We tend to overtrust, and believe that another person is better able to make assessments about ourselves than we are. BOY does that set one up for abuse!! (I learned that the hard way too) I'm getting much better about it.. I don’t trust easily, and I am so glad I’m beginning to trust myself more. And there are MANY folks out there who are very good convincing others to doubt their own perceptions. I’m not going to let their issues become mine. I’m trying to see those red flags sooner, although it’s hard to really tell at times. (Think Jekyll/Hyde) What I am trying to say here is that I think you have a perfectly valid reason not to trust most people, and perhaps it is not a good idea to blame yourself and your past relationships. I have always thought that the repetition compulsion theory was a bunch of hooey. I reach a point where I say "enough is enough" and that is that. Maybe you just have a stronger bullshit detector now. You decide, maybe I’m off here. Practice using that detector! ☺

Even if the pendulum has swung too far to the point of NOT trusting, perhaps trust that it will swing back and adjust itself.

What I am learning will help me attract the right kinds of people into my life rather than becoming the target for more abusive personality types. What also helps is that I’m OK with being alone for as long as it takes.

Maybe I’m full of it, but I wanted to shine the flashlight on the bottom of this thing as well as the top that most people see.

(((Blu))
Thank you so much for your reply! You do give me hope that it's possible to get to a point of trust with T. I'm only 9 months into it so I guess it's a bit early.

I remember complaining to my T about how therapy is only about words, there are no actions involved, and I prefer to trust what people do rather than what people say, which puts me in a tough place as my usual references are pretty unavailable. But like you said, I also need to experience his consistency and patience (he is not perfect but he is okay with those) and that takes time.

Maybe one of my problems is that I'm afraid to "test" him. I'm worried he'll fail me. So I behave like the perfect client to him, never bothering him, never being angry at him. I wonder if it's something that keeps me stuck here. i dont really give him a chance to prove himself.

((number9))
Really insightful reply, thank you. What you said really rang a bell in me. Yes a lot of people are indeed untrustworthy. And in T sometimes it feels like I have to force myself to trust, even when all my self preservation instincts tell me "DON'T!". Really refreshing to hear you say that I'm allowed to and this distrust is okay.

Maybe this sounds silly but it reminds me this one time when I was at the beach pier eating a muffin and one scruffy pidgeon landed nearby. I offered a piece of the muffin on the palm of my hand and I saw the pidgeon freaking out but coming closer and closer really slowly (I could almost see its brain telling "you don't wanna do that") and eventually it came and ate directly from my hand. And all I thought was how bad that was, maybe one day someone would hurt the bird because I taught it to be trusting.

Yes I do relate trust to less anxiety and more intimacy. To let someone else hold me in vulnerability. I can't do it, even though I want to. I just wrap myself around layers and layers of protection I don't have anyone else around. I live quite an isolated life and I'm very independent. People who dare to try to make me dependent get a nice shove. I'm too scared that if I put any bit of my life in someone else's hands they will fail me and let it fall because they never cared to begin with.

I like the idea of "trusting myself first", it gives me a sense of control. The thing is, no matter how much i learn about red flags and about identifying untrustworthy people, trustworthy people can fail too. So at the end it's still unpredictable and cannot be avoided *sigh*

I can relate to the lack of self identity. I'm waiting for my T to tell me who I am, to define me so I can start acting accordingly. This is a really core issue in me, thank you for mentioning it!

Wow lots to think about.

In my own experience, in the past, I would have fears about being vulnerable but I would push myself to trust anyway. Sometimes I got hurt. However, when I really began to acknowledge and value the parts of myself that didn't want to trust, and start to deliberately take caution to protect myself...I actually became less afraid and more trusting. It's like...the parts of me that were afraid to trust started to feel better because they knew I cared about their concerns and was "on their side."

I like the pigeon analogy! Something for me to think about.

And BLT... it is a bit of a paradox, isn't it? The more I allow myself the option of not trusting/the more I trust myself, the less fear I have, and the more I can trust those that ARE perhaps trustworthy..

And then there are those that have good intentions but do harm anyway. I can use my BS detector up to a point, but I'm also teaching myself that people do weird things and it might hurt me and I'm not going to hold myself accountable for it indefinitely by blaming myself. BTW, I interviewed a T that DID try to get me to discover the role I may have been playing in the interaction I had with Ex T. My BS alarm went off and I did not hire him. My job is to put other people's stuff back where it belongs, on THEM, and worry about my own forward progress. I'm not open to guilt trips and character assassinations. I don't do that to others and I will not have it done to me. THAT was liberating!

But I can try to make sure that I don't hurt anyone else, or even try to do some healing.

Thanks, I do have a lot to think about myself, thanks for helping me through all this as well- I can relate to a lot of what you guys have said here.