P.s please forgive me for the bad typing and typos. Can't get to a working computer but posting from my phone - just really needed to 'cause this is all bothering me so much.

quote:

And I have idea idea how grooming and leaning up against and old sweet strong horse instantly made it 1000x easier.

What the heck?

(((JD)))

Handling our emotions is, in some ways (it's a little too reductionist but good for this discussion) a matter of managing energy. Our emotions can cause energy to build up or get blocked in our nervous system. Moving through an emotion is our nervous system being able to discharge that energy and return to a neutral resting state (it's weighted that way, if we go too dormant, it pulls us up so we keep living, too activated, it's pulls us down so we don't die from the intensity.) When we have a lot of stored trauma and emotions to process, there's a vast amount of energy moving through our nervous systems. But the other part we're missing is how to regulate our nervous systems and discharge those feelings, because we never had the kind of sustained attunement and connection you need to implicitly learn those skills from another person, which is the only way to learn.

Our nervous systems are open systems, so that when we are in contact with another entity which has a limbic system (which means all mammals, so both your eq T and the horses), our nervous systems literally interact. When you went close to the horse and connected, your nervous systems meshed, and the horse's calm, regulated system actually worked to calm yours down and discharge the excess energy that working through those feelings caused. It's why we're supposed to turn to connection when we're upset, because someone who is calmer, actually physiologically helps to calm us. But when turning to another was a source of hurt and pain, we learn not to do that. Which is at the heart of the horrific struggle you're in to allow your T to stay close to you. So much of your learned instinct is crying out that staying close is going to get you badly hurt, if not killed. No wonder you're exhausted Jane, you're fighting every step of the way. Not to mention building new neural networks in your brain to handle the new experience of having someone close and not getting hurt. You're doing incredible work.

AG

Hi Jane,

This might seem a little random, but I promise it's not. Or, at least I don't think it is. Have you heard about the new documentary that just came out called Buck? It's based on the guy from The Horse Whisperer (portrayed by Robert Redford). Anyway, I think if you watch this movie, it might help normalize these experiences you have around horses. It's such a special thing and so healing, and this movie portrays that well. It's an intense experience! I just went and saw it a couple days ago and sat there the whole time biting my cheek to keep from completely breaking down (I was ready to cry, literally, during the very first freaking scene of the movie!) because I thought it captures that connection really well (and thus made me miss it desperately ).

A big theme was that everyone's 'stuff' comes out when you're around horses. And another thing was also that people who have been through a lot tend to be much more sensitive (as in, very responsive to the horses and understanding of them), which makes that connection even more...amazing.

I should probably take a step back because it's a wee bit painful to think about it all, but I just had to tell you. Thanks for posting, Jane. (((hugs)))

I do want to add, though, that parts of it could be triggering for abuse (namely, physical), because Buck himself went through it. But, it's also about the healing he's found by working with horses.

(((Jane))) I really relate to the confusion of the aching to get away and stay close at the same time. What you describe is exactly what it felt like to be sitting on the floor next to my T. It is a very hard feeling to stay with and I'm impressed that you kept yourself present, acknowledging and experiencing those feelings, all that while in the session with your eq T. Your description of synchronizing with the horse was also very touching. Thank you so much for sharing!

Hi Jane
Thanks for sharing this - I can relate to the challenge of staying with the feelings and the hard work that it took for you to stay connected. This is very like my recent sessions with T when my 'fight or flight' battle as T calls it has been in full swing, its so tiring. The description of your T's containment and your connection to the horse was very powerful and moving.

((AG)) ((kashley)) ((yaku)) ((justmaybe))
Thanks so much for the responses. I can't type much right now so will have to respond in more detail later. But I have been reading and thinking and I'm really hopeful and your responses helped me look at this differently. I see my eq t again tomorrow - and I'm a little scared and yet looking forward to it too... will typoe more later...