Hey CD,

Good question. My T is very non directive, which has really been great for me. If I ask her a question, she'll answer it, or if I ask for help with something, she'll give it, but my sessions are mostly an open forum for me to explore whatever thoughts and feelings I have in her regulating, usually affirming company. It's great. Of course I have to brave enough to take the plunge into discussing whatever, and there are times I have not been and I've often spent large chunks of many sessions chattering about non threatening topics-- books, movies, the weather. I don't really think of that as a waste. I try to keep it at least interesting, and authentic dialogue on any level grows the relationship, I think, which makes deeper exploration more possible later on. T is very patient.

She knows I like to read about psychology and occasionally I get these ideas about working "differently". Like when I was reading all I could get my hands on on Jungian psychology (esp. dream interpretation) from the university library-- I wanted to try that kind of therapy. Of course T can't magically transform into a Jungian analyst at my whim, but I'd bring in concepts that I thought were relevant and interesting and we'd discuss them together. She started working with me on interpreting my dreams. Now I've become interested in art therapy and she's playing along with that too.

I suppose that's a relevant word there-- there is a real sense of play to our sessions. Sometimes I feel like she's humoring me (actually, I know she is), but oddly I don't experience that as condescending. I think the inner kid revels in feeling indulged. I think T intuitively gets that. I told her one time that what I really liked about her was that she is so non-directive, and she told me that she can be *very* directive, and is with some clients, but that she always tries not to be with me. She said she thinks I experienced way too much control growing up and that she always tries to be mindful of that when interacting with me.

I really missed a lot of developmental steps that go into becoming a self, and this style of therapy has been I think, a mostly good way of addressing that. Sometimes I've run into difficulties because I'll be one page and T is on another. I've gotten mad at her for not knowing what I needed and acting accordingly, but processing the anger has gone semi-okay (not perfect). She isn't always perfectly attuned and is occasionally defensive, but it's dawning on me that she doesn't have to be perfect to give me a context in which I can grow. Sort of like the concept of a "good enough" mother being what is needed, maybe she is a "good enough" therapist. Sometimes I haven't thought so and I'm sure people here have read my words to that effect. Unfortunately I tend to post more when I'm dissatisfied then when I'm appreciative.

But back to the topic, I interviewed with a few other Ts before (and since!) this one and I think. . . my fear of being controlled which manifests as an apparent desire to self direct therapy put a few of them on edge. That made me feel bad and rejected. I've felt very accepted by T in this regard and maybe that has made all the difference.

As you can see, this question of yours gets right at the heart of things for me. Thanks for the space to explore it.

hi closed doors,

thank you for this topic which is important and puzzling for me too and i look forward to seeing everyone's feedback on this. my T is SO non-directive, she always waits for me to start a session and would never start with a topic or a specific question unless i mention something first. at times i find this so maddening and frustrating and can feel so helpless. but i do know that i tend to want to be rescued and often just wait for her to do/say something (without actually telling her what i want). maybe she knows this and this is why she has maintained her non-directive stance, but it's probably also a big part of how she works. she has become slightly more flexible when i have specifically asked her do do something differently. in terms of goals, she did ask early on, and the best i could come up with was that i am broken and i was hoping she can fix me (sort of as a joke- but not really)... again wanting to be 'rescued'...?

i am often envious when i hear of other Ts who are more directive, but i can't say if it would really be helpful for me or not, whether it will make me even more passive and waiting for help, or whether i will feel more 'cared' for and that would kick start me into helping myself... it's a tough one, i dont have the answer (but i hope that my T does!)

CD, i think your T bringing that issue up is very good! yes, it does show he cares and that he is committed to helping you and will nudge you to address important issues when you've been avoiding them. sometimes i wish my T would do more of that, even though i would probably not react very well.

puppet

Yep, my T is non-directive and in the past, I have found that very threatrning and told him so. Threatening, because of worrying about choosing "wrong," and threatening, because being in there with him often stirs up so much for me that I feel like a ball of yarn and I don't know where the lose ends are to start to unravel it, the right place to tug without just making a knot.

When I told T about feeling threatened by it, he has said no pressure, it is just what he does with everyone, asking how they are and what they want to talk about. I was incredulous about that working for him, but he said almost all his clients just come in, greet him, and go st it right away. That felt...not so great, being so shut down by comparison. But he has been patient and understanding with me.

There were times I would text an agenda ahead of time to make things less threatening (though I would often "nevermind" difficult topics). I think in the last year, my period of shut down has been shorter and it is easier for me to take s little control. T will ask slightly more specific questions (e.g. "how are things on the home front?" Though he's usually kept pretty informed, so I think it's just to get me talking about anything)...he also does a lot to reassure me I'm welcomed there, but has been pretty firm about me taking initiative...patient to wait for it, but firm. We've both communicated that is hugely important for me to be able to voluntarily step forward toward him in that way...but only when I'm ready.

This is an interesting topic. My experience is that T. and I are a team. Sometimes she has an agenda and sometimes I do. Mostly, we start chatting about updates, and that sort of leads us. Sometimes we go in the direction of my processing the last session, sometimes the update triggers the conversation. Neither of us seem to have a strong agenda coming into the session. Often, I have things I want to discuss but if it doesn't get talked about, I store it for future.

The team concept is very important for me. I am not alone, and I have someone I can rely on.

thanks for the responses, everybody.

Monte, he didn't actually say he wanted to address it. normally he will ask me what i want to talk about, but last time he said he was going to confuse me because he wasn't going to ask the normal question, and then he said how last time we ended talking about the drinking and how i was going to write down a plan, etc. and he said "should we start with that"? so it wasn't like he pulled it out of nowhere ... we did touch on it previously. it was just surprising and out-of-the-ordinary that he brought it up.

yeah ... i like what he said about the expletives, too kind of made me feel protected, in a way.

HIC, i agree with you, that i don't think she's being condescending at all. it sounds wonderful, really. i also struggle with the sense of self, but i must say that the whole control thing has really been a struggle. i really do have difficulty with knowing what my goals are ... everything just seems to feel so out of scope, and i don't even know where to begin. so, i think you're pretty damn brave to actually *want* to direct your own therapy!

awww, puppet! i'm in the same camp of dreaming of being rescued! i have never discussed that with him, but now might be a good time. i do have to say that i also think that him bringing it up was good. it almost feels like a relief ... like i've been holding my breath this whole time and then he brings up the drinking on his own, and all of a sudden i can breathe again! anyway, don't sell yourself short! i'll bet you would react just fine, (((puppet)))

(((yaku))) i feel for you! i envy people that can just come in and be all calm and confident and grown-up. i often feel like such a fool for feeling so anxious about going to therapy, but that's exactly one of the reasons i need to go to therapy! i do want to get to the point one day where i'll feel as confident as a "normal" adult. i don't know ... maybe my expectations are too high! i have a hard time imaginging that ever happening.

i'm glad it's getting a little easier for you as time goes on, and that he's so patient with you. he sounds like a good T.

RM, i like what your team analogy, and maybe that's part of my problem, is that i feel so in the spotlight that it just feeds my insecurities. i may need to discuss this with him ... that maybe we can come up with goals together and then maybe i'll feel more like we're in this together and working as a team, and not feel so left-to-the-wolves. good point, thanks for sharing, RM.

it sounds like most Ts take a less directive approach. i suppose this is a major part of any therapy, to turn the reins over to us, the drivers of our own lives, and get us to be comfortable holding and using those reins. it just seems so daunting at times!

My Ts and I sorta work as a team. Most of the time I have something I want to cover, or we kind of end up there. T usually opens session with a "How are you doing?" rarely does she ask stuff like "what would you like to talk about?" or "what can I do for you". I'm not sure if I'm a jerk but I sort of just start talking... we haven't had problems opening sessions... maybe in the beginning (? I have no clue). That isn't to say I start talking about anything important... but we have sort of a routine down in my sessions. I get triggered if my Ts are too directive. I'm not terribly good at following and work against it and/or wonder what the problem is and/or fear I'm in trouble and... my mind will be spinning with 100 things to think of to make sure I'm doing what I'm "supposed to". So it's worked out to sorta let me go in a direction w/ T there to guide us around and make sure we're progressing.

Or something.... right now I want to quit and run away. But... that's how my sessions start. Inside I'm like omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg regardless of what I do.

Hey CD--
I just asked my T about this last week. When clients lead their own therapy, he said it was called "client self determination." Even though I said he was the doctor, he replied by saying that he is no expert on me. He doesn't want to be that errogant and lead the discussion of the therapy, that it's a collaborative, mutual, co-creative process. Just thought I'd add this bit of info.
LB