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How do I break the pattern that ends in me leaving

H hemlockMember
Not sure if I will make any sense in this post. I'm seriously in awe of the way everyone here expresses themselves and is able to succinctly convey the core of very difficult issues. There's no way I will be able to knock this out in the same manner, so apologies in advance for anybody who happens to read this and leaves scratching their heads.

Three weeks ago I melted down and went into isolation -- left my husband and moved into a hotel for two weeks. I returned in time to spend three days with him before he departed for a trip that will have him gone until next Tuesday. I've been in the house, not being able to leave it even though I have plenty to do that would require leaving it.

This week I confronted my mother via telephone (we live thousands of miles apart) over my and my siblings' childhood. I touched on some unfortunate issues concerning her lack of protection in the home but I didn't beat her about the head and shoulders with it. Nevertheless it was painful for her (she cried, hyperventilated, thought she was going to vomit) and I ended that conversation feeling sick myself and so ashamed/guilty that I caused her such pain even though intellectually I understand that this is her bed and I'm just pointing out to her that now is the time for her to lie in it.

But now I'm numb. Totally shut down.

I believe that this (or something) has significantly impacted my feelings about therapy. I've been in therapy for a little over four months. I initially went for what I thought is unresolved grief over the death of my father (over a decade ago) but, obviously, I have a lot of nasty baggage that hadn't been unpacked, lol, and T zeroed in on it rather quickly.

My T is very good. I immediately felt a connection with him that I have been attempting to manage as it's grown into erotic transference Roll Eyes. In the course of therapy with him (once a week but 2+ hours each session and some e-mail contact in between sessions), I've shared the overview of what happened in my life much like I'm reading off my grocery list as I've never been and still am not connected to any of the emotions attached to the traumas.

I've now taken that numb feeling to a new level of nothingness that encompasses my T and therapy. I'm not able to catch a coherent feeling that is even vaguely positive and/or reinforces my commitment to the process. Instead I am just totally shut down.

My pattern in life is to end every relationship, irrespective of its nature, after I reach the point that I can no longer keep up the effort to manipulate the other person into not focusing on me -- I've read that others here (all of you?) do this too in the form of keeping the attention on everyone else at all times through a barrage of catering to every possible need. I've elevated it to an art form. The nature of therapy precludes me from the usual tricks since therapy necessarily IS all about me, lol.

For the first time, at 41 (last year), I finally married...now I'm considering that was a mistake.

So, in my marriage and therapy, I feel like I am about to bolt -- that something is boiling under this numbness and one morning I'm just going to wake up, pack my bag, and disappear.

I mentioned to my T in an e-mail and in our last session (a few days ago) that I think I'm on the path to running. I felt encouraged that I shared this with him but now I realize that admitting it isn't doing anything to alleviate the feeling, even just a small bit. Rather the opposite; I feel like by disclosing it I've just moved up the launch date.

I really want to fix myself -- desperately. But I'm worried that after employing the Houdini escape trick throughout the entirety of my existence the pull to engage this protection mechanism is now too strong.

So, my question is for any of you with this pattern of escaping relationships, how do I dial it back once I've moved into that mode?

If nobody has thoughts to share, no worries. I know that everyone here is exhausted from carrying their own baggage, so thank you for reading and many sincere apologies for the babbling incoherence. It's helpful just for me to write it down. And thank you so much for this forum.

(edited to remove some triggering info...I apologize for the "TMI moment"; I'm so disconnected from it that it doesn't bother me to write about it but I realized that it isn't germane to the overall point and potentially needlessly traumatizing to readers.)
Last edited {1}
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blackbirdblackbirdMember
Hemlock, I relate to much of what you say. And btw, you put it very well, I'm struggling with a similar scenario (different circumstances) with my (therapy?) I feel pretty shut down and disconnected from the T I'm seeing, event though I cry (or try not to cry) pretty much the whole time I'm there. So it was nice to read what you wrote and be able to think aha, yes- it is like that for me too. I'm sorry it's not very nice to experience though.

I think that, as long as you are reasonably convinced that you have a good and trustworthy T who will see you through it- the only way around this is to just keep going, come hell or highwater to your sessions- no matter what- and wait for a breakthrough to happen. That and physically force yourself to say some words, even if it is just a few. Because you know that running will not make things better in the long run..
I think it is soooo good that you shared with your T that you feel like running...perhaps you could consider asking also- if there is a way for him to help you stay and see it through, because you really want to get better?

I'm sorry that it is so difficult! It won't be like this forever, but it sounds like you are going through a really rough, really scary spot in your therapy. I'm just sending you hugs and encouragement to stick it out, even though it is soooo terribly difficult to do that.

Peace,

BB
lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hello Hemlock.

I’m sorry for what you are going through, sounds like the conversation with your mother was long overdue but it’s obviously such a big thing that it’s hardly surprising you’d have a huge well of bad feelings about it all and need to shut down on it.

It also sounds like you are connecting to a lot of things going on inside you, that you’re trying to challenge your usual pattern of running away – it’s a positive thing that instead of automatically acting on it, you are wanting to do something about it, that’s got to be big step forward don’t you think?

Can you find within yourself the resolve to stick with therapy, as BB suggests (wise advice!) just keep making yourself go to your sessions, one day after another and grit your teeth against the drive to bolt? It might help that you have developed a strong transference for your T, that could be the hook that keeps you going if for no other reason than to maintain the connection to him.

I can relate to having shut down on feelings (though I never end up numb so there’s no incentive for me to stay shut down) but I can understand how it must feel so much safer to stay numb and not go lifting up stones that will only disturb your equilibrium. Perhaps you could make your need to run away the focus of your therapy, rather than keep pushing for the feelings/memories themselves – it sounds like you might be going a bit fast in therapy and it’s good you’ve told you T about the potential for running, hopefully he will work out a way with you to continue in therapy without it being so threatening that you need to bolt.

I do want to say though, that you need to respect your own process and that running away, even temporarily, might be what you do need to do at the moment. If people in your life can give you space to numb out without your having to disappear completely, then you have the option of coming back when you’re ready, on your terms. Both with your H and with therapy. Lots of therapists will respect a client’s need to take a break and will leave the door open for you to return when you feel safer.

First thing of course is to talk this over with your T, so I hope you will make your next session at least. One step at a time really, if you can slow yourself down enough to not make any drastic far reaching decisions but put them on hold as a potential option, maybe that will allow you to stay long enough to get past the urge to run.

Let us know how everything goes? Good wishes to you Hemlock.

LL
sdsdMember
I relate a lot to this. I am thinking that if the pattern in your life is to shut down relationships and run - then this is now your chance to break the cycle. Tell your T all about this and at least keep the relationship with the T happening. Take this opportunity NOT to run so that some of the past hurt can be repaired. It will be very hard as everything inside you is screaming to run but maybe it is time to make a stand and trust the T.
H hemlockMember
((BB)) It's really hard for me to determine if T *really truly definitely without a doubt* is "good and trustworthy" because, frankly, I don't know what that looks like in real life. Not because there aren't *really truly definitely without a doubt* trustworthy people in this world, nor that I haven't come across them in life, but I don't attach to anybody in a manner that I would ever need to recognize what those qualities might look like. You might say I have "trust" issues, lol, and do not rely on anybody for anything...even my husband.

And I've read so many of the stories here of horrible experiences with T's (yours included) that break my heart and make me wary that something like that easily could happen to me if I let down my guard. Yes, that's not an approach that's conducive to experiencing therapy nevertheless that's where I am.

((LL)) Yeah, the conversation with my mom was an event that has significantly thrown me off my game. I've been trying to put it in some sort of context that would allow me to put the toothpaste back into the tube but, no luck with that yet.

I will raise with T that my launch status is at t-minus 2...rather than it being some vague possibility. (I'll miss him terribly when I go. lol)

Definitely if I were single again I'd be able to manage the urge to flee since I'd have a safe space at home in which to isolate -- something I've always had up until last year. Actually, even during this past year of marriage I've had it since my husband was abroad for almost 10 months. His return in June sent me into a tailspin of anxiety over feeling trapped. He's a good guy, we'd dated for almost five years but all of my "issues" are raging to the fore now and there's no way to disappear without causing monumental pain to him.

When I bolted to the hotel my husband was somewhat understanding because of triggers (the arrival of his kids for the summer) that occurred at the time but he's also recently mentioned (twice) that he's impatient (<---his exact word) with the process and is ready for me to ummm, well, get over this, I guess. It's caused more problems in my brain because he's only been faced with any of this for two months and he's already looking at his watch. This makes me even more prone to mentally drafting my To Do List in terms of executing Operation Disappear.

I know everyone here has similar problems with navigating relationships and responsibilities to others. So, I'm not whining, just typing it out. Smiler

((SD)) Everything indeed is screaming inside to run and I've never before tried to stop the response to that five-alarm clanging so I don't know right now if I'm coming or going.

Thank you, all, for your responses. It means a lot to me that you took the time to put your thoughts into words. I know that's no small effort and I'm grateful.

Yesterday, I went on a mini-trip (scratching that escape itch, lol) to the next state over, which is a three hour drive. I saw a documentary that is playing in limited release about Buck Brannaman.

Brannaman was a consultant on the movie The Horse Whisperer. He had a horrible childhood, beaten mercilessly by his father, removed from his home and sent to foster care because of the abuse. He turned to horse wrangling, bonding with them. What he can do with horses is amazing and his story is inspirational.

I drove that far to see it because my T has mentioned that he'd like me to pursue EQ T (like what Jane Doe is doing). It scared me at a core level for no reason I can articulate, so I thought I'd see the movie.

It was worth the trip even though I'm still scared ( Roll Eyes ). The film is called "Buck" if anybody is interested in seeing if it's playing near them.

Thanks again.
H hemlockMember
quote:
Originally posted by monte:
...I have evaluated what has given me the urge to run, and found it has been the 'threat' of intimacy and care from my T. ...Does he know about the erotic transference and is it that that you are running from? Powerful feelings - erotic or otherwise - toward these people are terrifying.


That spotlight you're shining in my face just burned a hole in my retinas. Big Grin

You're right, you're right, you're right.

The care & intimacy...I just don't "do" that. It triggers me horribly and I can't figure out how to dial it back.

I don't know if my T is the type to use transference as a tool in therapy. I suspect based on a comment in an e-mail a while back that it's something to be "managed" vice "used." That bothers me immensely but I'm too much of a coward to broach it. Frowner


quote:
Originally posted by monte:
It can be so helpful to talk to them about it, to slowly dissect it all, but is soooo hard to do. Excruciating. I have been doing it slowly for a few months and want to flee most weeks, but in persevering, something is emerging, some sense of "Hey...I am normal and these responses I am having all over the place are normal, given my abnormal circumstances..."


You are so brave, Monte. I'm hoping it will rub off on me. Smiler

Thank you so much for your response. It was very helpful.

(And, I love your M&S siggy quote. I have three "therapy songs" that strike a chord in my brain and two of them are M&S songs.)
lonelybunnylonelybunnyMember
monte, your comment about intimacy made me laugh because I have such an issue with it too. It's encouraging that you have made some progress with it. I'm still stuck at square 1 trying to muster the courage to take the first step.

hemlock, I also tend to run away so I feel for where you're at. Please keep posting and keep us updated how things are going.

This is my first post, so bear with me while I get the hang of this. Embarrassed
H hemlockMember
quote:
Originally posted by monte:
And intimacy....AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! Just the word makes me shudder. ...UGH! You would think it would feel wonderful, and somewhere deep down it does, but it is a bit like getting used to bungee jumping when all you've ever done is sit on a see-saw. I dread it every time it approaches.


Spot on. I *think* I understand that it is supposed to feel good -- after all, it's what normal people seek out so it must be something we should want too, lol -- but, you know, whatever. Roll Eyes Big Grin

quote:
Originally posted by lonelybunny:
This is my first post, so bear with me while I get the hang of this.


((LB)) Thanks for the reply and welcome to the forum. I'm a newbie too. So many wonderful and smart people on this forum! I'm glad my post made some sense to you and thank you for chiming in with a "me too". I like the company! Smiler I confess I've been thinking it was a pretty stupid question because aren't we all experiencing the "wanna run away" phenomenon but I guess I was hoping somebody had a magic elixir that I could just order off of eBay but they were keeping it a secret until somebody asked the stupid question. Sort of like a reverse Rumpelstiltskin story. Well, apparently there's no magic elixir. Or maybe when I send my time machine to Yaku she will fess up the ingredients to the Stay Put potion.

So, I had a session today and attempted to channel my inner Monte. I didn't make it as far as *erotic transference* (maybe next year) but I did discuss my launch status, why/how I'm at this point, and what it feels like. T didn't offer any remedy but he made the point a few times that it was good that I DIDN'T run and would be helpful if I DON'T run, that he would miss me, lol. BUT I think I noticed a change in focus throughout the session. And something happened at the end that felt like a re-establishment/reinforcement of the connection...like an exclamation point instead of leaving with a question mark:

When I first started seeing him we shook hands at the end of every session, but for some reason we stopped probably two months ago. I don't do well with touch so I was okay with it. Today, however, at the end of our session he stood up very near to me and extended his hand. I was thrown off because in normal every day life (i.e. polite society where people are expected to shake hands), I am always prepared to perform that customary gesture (like a trained seal) but I go through some automatic mental gymnastics to allow that touch. Since we hadn't been shaking hands for the past two months I wasn't in my *polite society* mindset and I'm sure I looked confused and then blank. I fumbled through the shake and freaked a bit but when I scampered out the door, nearly running into it first, I felt something inside give a bit. It's hard to explain but it seemed like his benevolent ambush got him past a line of defense and I lived to tell about it.

Of course, what probably really happened is that he forgot we weren't in the habit of shaking hands or standing closely to each other and just went on automatic polite society pilot. And here I am thinking about nothing else and reshaping it into something really truly very extremely meaningful and overly proud of myself that my inner crazy clown didn't turn it into The Reason Of All Reasons to hit the road with a stale biscuit tucked into a bandana tied to a stick and a sign that reads: Alaska Or Bust. Oh somebody save me from myself.
L lieseMember
Hemlock,

I'm chiming in a little late but first off want to extend a warm welcome to you and lonelybunny.

Your thread and/your posts were interesting to read, having bolted many times in my life. I've also stayed way too long sometimes too. I am so glad that you had a connected session with your T today. The way you described it as ending with an exclamation point and not a question mark was really descriptive. Did it mark a shift in terms of how you feel about the relationship?

I am so sorry that your H is putting pressure on you to get better or else. It puts an awful lot of pressure on you. I'm sure it's pressure you don't need. That can't be helping the situation.

And, so, I'm glad you haven't bolted. And I can't wait to see that movie. It sounded really interesting.

Liese
H hemlockMember
((Liese)) Thank you for your comments. You are so good about replying to everyone's posts; I really appreciate the insight that you share on threads and the effort it takes. Smiler

quote:
Originally posted by Liese:
...I am so glad that you had a connected session with your T today. ...Did it mark a shift in terms of how you feel about the relationship?


Yes, but then it fades. That's a familiar story all over this forum -- we have so little staying power in terms of concrete understanding about our relationships which sends our emotions on a sickening roller coaster ride. That's probably what I'm wanting to run from as well. It's tiring and painful.


quote:
Originally posted by Liese:
I am so sorry that your H is putting pressure on you to get better or else.


He doesn't do well with *bad* things. For this reason and others, except for a general statement that my "issues" revolve around bad family dynamics and CSA, I have not shared with him specifics nor do I expect I ever will. I don't trust that he can be respectful of my life experiences and no matter how f*cked up my life has been, it's MY story. I dislike feeling like it wouldn't be honored, or that it would be dismissed because he can't relate. So, we're at a bit of an impasse and he expresses the frustration in terms of impatience. I understand his position but he's made some serious/significant missteps that lead me to add more bricks to my fortress walls. Don't know how it will turn out in the end, but definitely it's a source of stress for me (for us). That said, I'm finally at a point in my life that my safety and working towards authenticity is my priority. Period. It's never been that way -- not for one minute -- and I'm starting to feel fiercely protective of that clarity.


quote:
Originally posted by Liese:
And I can't wait to see that movie. It sounded really interesting.


I liked it very much -- my one complaint is that it's too short. I wanted more of his story. The website to find location/dates of showings is:

http://www.buckthefilm.com/playdates.htm
lonelybunnylonelybunnyMember
quote:
And here I am thinking about nothing else and reshaping it into something really truly very extremely meaningful and overly proud of myself that my inner crazy clown didn't turn it into The Reason Of All Reasons to hit the road with a stale biscuit tucked into a bandana tied to a stick and a sign that reads: Alaska Or Bust. Oh somebody save me from myself.

I wouldn't say "overly proud" - you should be truly proud! Give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. We get better in very small steps at a time. I'm guessing your T did that intentionally to reinforce the connection. He knew you needed that. My T has sometimes done things to get a reaction from me. I didn't realize it at the time, then later he told me it was intentional. I think sometimes our T's have more tricks up their sleeves than we realize. Smiler
Sounds like you're moving forward. Give yourself credit (and a hug) for the small steps!
L lieseMember
Hemlock,

I'm sorry that you don't have that intimacy with your H but I can totally understand. Sometimes I think that if my H and I don't make it, that I'll find someone new but not sure I would sure my story either. Just want to start fresh with a nice clean slate.

I also get making yourself and your authenticy the first priority. I feel the same way. If my H made me choose right now, I'd have to say, sorry you have to hit the highway. I'm so tired of twisting myself inside out for people and at this point would rather be alone than cater to anyone's demands anymore. Although I do feel bad for him that he married someone different and now I am changing. But what is life but change? Things just don't stay the same, do they?

I agree with lonelybunny that you should be proud of yourself for not bolting. The handshake sounded really nice, a nice way for T to connect with you and let you know that you are important. It would have made me feel good too. And I would have been focusing on that one little act as if it were an earthquake. Amazing how one "little" thing can be such a big thing.

xoxoxo

Liese

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