((((((Jane)))))) I am so sorry that your Eq T is moving away, I know how much healing you've done with her and can only imagine how sad it is to have her going. I have struggled with goodbyes all my life, I usually devalue the relationship so I can act like I'm not really losing anything of value, but being able to say goodbye to my Ts has really helped that (although I must say the goodbye part is not really taking with my present T).

The thing that will help the most is exactly what you're talking about here. Not JUST walking away. Expressing as much of you can of your feelings, both the acknowledge and gratitude of what the relationship has provided, how you feel about your T and any anger, sorrow or hurt about her leaving. And most importantly of all, allowing yourself to acknowledge that this IS a significant loss that deserves your time and attention and grief. Allowing myself to have those feelings, express them and have them understood is what allowed me to face both endings and while the sadness is very present, there is also a sense of accomplishment and gratitude and the realization that you carry them as a handprint on your heart. The relationship is NOT ending, it is changing. I hope you can find some hope in knowing that what you have shared with her remains a part of both of you.



AG

thank you AG - that helps a lot.

I read what you wrote and it makes me think of what I feel... oh wow, this is so hard. I'm just in tears.

I'm so scared to express to her what I feel. It is SO MUCH. I'm so scared I will scare her off even faster if I really share my heart. But I guess he is going either way... maybe it is worth the risk?

I am mad. I am hurting, like a little child. I don't want her to go. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! Dear God and the universe: have I not been though enough? Now I have to lose her too?

quote:

I am mad. I am hurting, like a little child. I don't want her to go. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! Dear God and the universe: have I not been though enough? Now I have to lose her too?

Oh Jane, all those feelings are so understandable. I want to share something with you, not to play a game of "oh you think that's bad!" with you but I am hoping that how it turned out will give you hope.

The year my T retired started out in January with my MIL in the hospital for three weeks and at several points we thought we were going to lose her. She did pull through but it was a harrowing stressful time. We left on vacation right after and the day we got back, my phone rang and it was one of my best friends' husband calling to tell me she had died suddenly of a heart attack that morning. She was a second mother to my children and our whole family was devastated. I actually gave a eulogy at her funeral and the next day had her children over only to find out from her son that his dad was on a date with another woman (literally the day after he buried her). They married eight months later (I declined to attend the wedding) and he was away on his honeymoon and his children with me on the first anniversay of my friends' death.

The following month my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma and had to start chemo treatments (she's fine now, it was cured).

The month after that my father in law finally gave in to advanced Alzheimer's and died in a nursing home, so went through yet another funeral during which the whole family came to stay at our home (my MIL lived with us) and we had the funeral luncheon.

My husband and I were also struggling through some pretty serious marital difficulties at the time.

Three weeks after my FIL died, my therapist of 22 years told me she was retiring in five months.

I was furious with both God and my T's sucky timing. I literally remember looking to the heavens and screaming "what were you thinking?"

I am grateful that eventually a sense of resignation set it (probably out of sheer exhaustion) during which I realized I wasn't God and although it didn't look like it, He was still in control and had not been surprised by anything that had happened.

I couldn't imagine going on without my beloved T. But here's the thing. I don't know if I would have been able to bring myself to leave her but we were pretty stuck at that point. I think we had gone as far as we could together. And ending with her is what led to my working with my present T. And you know the depth of the relationship I've had with him and the healing I was able to do. So in some ways, while I know how very painful it was to face and work through, my Ts leaving turned out to be a necessary step in my healing.

I know you can't see how this could possibly have any good come out of it right now (nor should you be able to, you need time to mourn) but I want to offer to you that there is hope ahead that you can't see right now.

And in the meantime, both God and your T love you enough and are strong enough to hear your hurt and anger. Actually they want to hear it, to know the real you. Those we love and whom love us are always honored when we bring our whole selves to the relationship.

But sweetie, I'm sorry, I know this sucks beyond belief.

love, AG

AG's comments so accurately cover an ending with T. My first T was so important to me because its where I really started doing some healing. But we prepared for her leaving and there was a sense of accomplishment at what that relationship entailed. Will your T allow you to have some contact with her post-therapy? Its important to define what is allowed. Mine allowed occassional calls or emails to say hello. Its been 15 years and we've only communicated about 5 times but each time the bond still feels strong and vibrant. I went through a few not so great T's after that but this last year I found an awesome T who can continue the healing. So acknowledge the relationship and cherish it, prepare for the ending to be as positive as possible, and look forward to finding another T which will show you that you can develop healthy bonding with others. As special as your T feels to you, there are even more that are worthy of your connection. Good luck.

Just wanted to pipe in and say part of me wanted to cut and run from oldT and not go back to say goodbye. But I'm so so glad I did. It will be really painful either way but you will thank yourself if you stay present with it all.

(((((JANE))))

Just wanted to send love, hugs and support. It would be hard for me too.



Liese

quote:

I have never talked thought things in a relationships that I knew was for sure ending.

I'm not sure I have either....

Jane, I can't say anything more than what others have, but I want to say this sucks that your egT is moving.

Thanks everyone. I will have to respond more specifically later. I broke down crying at the mobile phone store :{ I left, deeply humiliated.

Since then, I have been crying so hard and deeply that my eyes sting. I slept about 2 hours last night and woke up in state of panic. I saw my regular T this morning, and she said some basic young maternal attachment stuff is very stirred up somehow, and that it will get better. I feel like I'm losing it, losing my mind and any emotional regulation ability. I can't shake this feeling that something is very wrong with me. I've had so much loss lately. I just can't seem to even find any ground, or figure out which way it up. Feels like my whole world is swirling around me.

Before the phone store breakdown (oh shiesh!) this afternoon, I did think of two things I want to talk to eq T about when I see her on Tuesday, and one thing I want to ask if we can do with the horses, that we have done in the past.

I did send eq T two emails - one late last night, and one early this morning. I was really honest in them. She told me I could email her, and I even asked on email if it was ok if they are longish emails, and she said it was very ok to send and she would be sure to read them. They were just raw... and I even wrote in the first one that this is the hardest thing I've ever written to her about.

I got so nervous about the emails I sent, that I called her, but hung up before it reached her voicemail. I can't do this. Now I'm being clingy and freaked out... and I'm so concerned my emails abou tmy feelings, all of them that I could express, good bad, messy... will somehow freak her out...

part of me thinks, what do I have to lose at this point? but I don't care if she is staying or going, I don't want to freak her out or hurt her. I didn't say anything bad at her, I was just honest with my hurt and the thinsg that are stirred up and told her she had been important to me, and that I'm scared, and I have no idea how to walk through saying goodbye to her. I usually just bolt.

Maybe my calling and not leaving a voicemail message and then worrying that now I seem not only overwhelmingly needy and clingy, but creepy or something, and that she is freaked out about my emails... maybe thinking about all of that before walking into the phoen store is why I then later suddenly broke down in tears there. (The clerk was very nice. I just said, "I am so sorry, I am dealing with a loss, can I come back later?" They said yes, offered me tissues. that was kinda sweet - ugh it was so embarassing.

I think now I'm wondering how the heck do I pull myself together to get through the night and the weekend, so I can take the next step on Tuesday when I see her again...?

~ jane

eq T just emailed me back... She wrote:
"Hi (jane), I sincerely appreciate your willingness to share your process with me. I want you to know that I will do my very best to walk this path with you and that I am so glad that you are choosing to do this ending differently. I will be out of communication for the weekend but I will be back in the office Monday morning.
Wishes for breathing and good rest.
- (T)"

I replied:
"I hope the messiness of what I wrote didn't freak you out and that I'm sorry if it did... I'm really ok...
Anyhow, hope you have/had a good weekend.
(jane)"


I totally lied. I LIED. I AM NOT OK. I just wanted her to think I am in better shape. I ahd emailed her about making up crying and in a panic.

I'm doing this all wrong. Now I'm just flat out lying. L Y I N G. I've never told her I'm ok when I'm not. And I just sent that email response to her 2 minutes ago. I am doing this terribly. All of it. I am just turning into one too needy big mess. And nothing is ok. I'm not ok. My life is not ok. And it's not ok that I just lied to her.

I wanted her to think I am doing better than I am. Than I had just emailed her this morning to say I am.

oh no.

It's ending anyhow. Now I'm just going to have it all end in a messy horrible way. I can't do this! No more. I just want this pain to stop...

jane

p.s. I will probably soon edit this to take out the text of the email that eq T sent me, and that I sent her, after leaving it up for a little bit - just so I don't get too specific. Yikes, it would be the worst if she ever read this.

Jane,
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sort of dealing with the same thing knowing I'm gonna have to leave in a few months to go back home for the summer. All I can say is that I know how awful it feels to know something so special is coming to an end and all you can do is take it for what it is. The thing that helps me is appreciating my time with my T and learning to grow from the experience. I also realized that she will always be apart of me in some way cos she's made such a big imprint on my life. And then I can also just give the cliche answer of talking about it with your T. I'm very open about my feelings of leaving to T and she's helping me through it wonderfully. I hope you'll be ok with this in time. Thinking of you and sending positive and living vibes your way!

Jane dear...

I am sending along massive cyber-hugs. Be good to yourself. Of course you want her to think you're doing OK. I hope you explore the implications of that in your next session. In the mean time, don't beat yourself up over it, the loss of someone important to you is always going to be difficult, and you're entitled to be feeling this way.


effed

Just hang in there. You are braver and stronger than you think!

Thank you so much everyone for the responses and support and encouragement. This is a really hard thing for me and I am so gla dyou all are here.

AG ~ I'm so sorry for what you went through, how awful! You are made of some strong stuff. I had a really bad year like that, the same year when I moved to the town I live in now. I dealt with a ton of loss, death and illness that year and I just stuffed and shoved all the pain away as much as I could to survive and move on surviving throug hthe next loss. I don;t think I ever dealt with it, or that I'm begining to deal with all that pain now - and there's been a storm of losses lately again in my life...

One of the worst things about this, is that even my T said that she doesn't think we are quite done yet with the work we could do... and that breaks my heart... maybe i should have done faster or more or if so much crap had not happened lately we would be further before she had to go... and I have this HUGE mountain of fear that now I won't be able to complete the work to do left... at least not for a long time... at lot longer time than if she was staying or if I was further along.

I am desperate for God. I have lose my faith community, and I'm out of sync with Him and my faith and all of that - and that wsa true before I was ex-communicated. But God is there, always. I just kind of am angry at him right now.

She's leaving. T is leaving. I have to live through it. I have a little time to do some work with her, and maybe I can really grow through this. Oh shiesh, I would settle for just not losing myself in this.

My T leaving is pulling up a lot of stuff, things I have been trying to ignore, or just deal with later - and now they are hitting me like a frieght train. One of the things is that I have been thinking anyhow about how to end with T, when the time came, ANYHOW, before this, because I've been grappling with trying to think about moving to another state for better school and job stuff that I really do need to pursue. I really do need to move, in the next 6 motnhs to a year - so this goodbye was going to come, I'm just so scared to say goodbye, to move on, in so many ways. And, I have had it in my mind that I could always come back... And I can. But I haven't told either of my Ts about this idea about moving away myself, until now. I have told both of them now. So the good thing about this is that I am begining to face that and work through it too. It's just so soon and I am so not handling this well at all.

Thanks for the encouragement AG, and reminding me I'm not alone, I will get through, even grow through this. I don't know how. I feel so lost and like no connection with anyone even reaches me anymore. I don't even know how to explain that. I so wish I was stronger. I don't want her to go.

Hoosier ~ Yeah, my T said she would allow some post her moving away contact on phone or even Skype. I don't know I can even think about the time after she is gone enough to even think of contacting her then. But maybe. I hope I can keep learning how to bond in healthy ways with other people too. I'm so scared my attachment to my T an dmy loss and my fears and all that I feel, the intensity of it, will scare my T off to not want anything to do with me, ASAP and will totally change the connection so that any phone or Skype contact would just be weird. But maybe it wouldn't be. Maybe it would help me gradually let go. I actually do get to gradually let go, and not all at once, like I usually have had to do in the past.

BLT - my goal is to not run, and I hope I will be gla dof rit. I hope I don't just sabatoge and ruin everything, but really use the time left with her well. Or at least just show up for it...

Liese ~ thanks for the support so much

Ninn ~ thank you too. It does suck.

Jenny ~ she has changed me and my life, and I will never be the same, in very good ways... you are right, she will always be there, in my heart. I'm sorry you ar ehaving to leave your T too. hugs back to you

effed ~ I think you are right - and I think I'm going to tell her I feel really bad, about a lot of things, and I don't want to concern her, and I do want to be more ok than I am, and want her not to be concerned. Then I can ask her, how do I not be ok with this, and have it still be ok with her that I'm not ok. I don't even know if that makes any sense even - but it seems like the most honest place to start, and I don't think I'll be able to hid it anyhow, the conflict I feel inside about the fact that I'm not ok, but I want her to think I'm more ok than I am.

BLT ~ I don't think I'm made of very strong stuff at all... but thank you so much for the encouragement.

jane

Jane,

There is no easy answer. She was your inspiration in many ways. I just know from reading your post T will always have a piece of your heart and you will carry her in your heart forever!



kansas

Jane I'm so sorry to hear about eqT moving away. I know how important she is to you and how much she has helped you. It's never easy to lose a T. It's painful and you must allow the grief to come and work through it.

I do believe, like AG, that some things happen for a reason even if we don't see it at the time. I went through hell losing my oldT but that experience led me to my current T who is wonderful too and I grew and learned a lot along the way.

I think it would really help to be able to have some contact with her for awhile until you can transition from being with her. Does she know of another eqT you can work with? I know how much you love spending time with the horses.

We are here to help you through this so lean on us for awhile.

Thinking of you
TN

TN ~ thank you for the support. She said I can keep coming back to the farm, but I don't want to. She is safe. My heart just can't go back when she is gone. Not with a new equine T. I might ask if a couple of riding lessons might be ok, and then I could let go or go back in a different way, but not like before. I can't do equine T with the same horses and not her... I just can't... jus the though tof it makes me panic. I think it's really about trying to let go of my T, and I resistance to it. Reg T keeps suggesting I try with new eq T. I have such huge resistance to it. I don't know why... But thanks for the support and encouragment TN. It helps a lot that you all are here.


*** warning - venting session ahead ***

I just can't believe that this is happening for a good reason. Even my T is upset about the timing and says it is too soon. I just can't believe that all the stuff I have been through is really a good thing. Or that something better will come. Maybe, but... I just can't handle more loss. I have lost so much lately, more than I've posted on the forums...

I am so sorry, I am such a mess. I am really fighting this.

Safe always leaves. No one stays. For the first time, at least the safe space with her is not leaving because everything sucked. But somehow, that seems like that would be easier. Regular T says this is a more "pure" loss than so many other losses lately.

I don't want to see her again. I don't want to go back. I don't want to see anyone new. I want to get in my car and drive so far away and just...

I am so mad. Not at her, but at all my life. T said a month ago we could work on my anger and she could hack it - now, too late. I suck. I HATE ME. I HATE THIS. If I had just progressed faster then maybe both of us would be more ready. We were htinking I would decrease around August, end by the end of the year. Now, 3 weeks. Which is a long time, but I am not ready and won't be. Not now, not with the rest of my life in ruins. RUINS.

acceptance? ha. right. I am so not accepting this. I just want to run. I want this crappy life to stop!

I just can't do this... I can't face another loss, especially right when I am about to go into a season of a lost of toher things shofting and changing. I really needed a steady safe place, and now, it's gone. And my RL support network, sense of community, my job, so much has been ended and now this too? People have died, and there are some things I went through that... even eq T said that I have been though more things in the past 6 months than most people will ever have to deal with in their whole lifetimes. And now this safe person to me, who doesn't judge me in the midst of so much, is going to go away. Of no fault to me, and not because she is getting rid of me, but just because of the way life works....

and I hate me for how hard I am taking this. I want to scream at myself, COME ON JANE, GET A GRIP. But that wouldn't even work even if I tried. I'm tired of trying to attach and trust and be a human being. I want to go on Tuesday and go out into the big field and scream and yell and scream how much I hate life and everything I've lost.

I probably sound like some two year old throwing a tantrum.

This is not going well... All I feel and anger and like my heart has been ripped out and I'm re-living so many losses, recent and past, very near to my heart.

What do I do with this? How do I apprach my T session on Tuesday? Any ideas? I can barely picture me showing up. And if I do, I am so scared I'm going to be mad. just mad. or hysterical. In ways I have never been before. T knows a lot of old stuff is stirred up, but I don't need to be spending whatever time we have left dumping it on her.

Oh no, what do I do? How do I begin to get through this?

It's OK that you're not feeling acceptance yet. I think you need more empathy first and for your feelings to be heard before you will get there. I am so sorry you've had to deal with all of this. We're still here to support you.

I'm so sorry about your T janedoe, I cant imagine having to go through that loss.
My T and I have talked about the future and the possibility of therapy ending (he's moving somewhere else, that is if I dont move first - which I will, so it's definitely going to happen) and the idea makes me hurt so much I don't even want to think about it. I feel for you and I hope you are alright *hug* Use the forum to share, it helps!

Hi Jane,

I'm so sorry you are going through the pain of termination. It's such a horrible word and such a very painful process. I agree with BLT that now is probably not the time to worry about accepting it, you just need to grieve and find support during your time of grief.

What you're feeling is normal considering the loss you are facing. When my P ended therapy, it was one of the most painful experiences I've ever endured. I did start seeing another T immediately and she helped because she let me express all my feelings. She did occasionally say things like I needed to accept that my P moved on, which didn't help at the time. I eventually found another P who really is the best fit for me.

It was too early in the process, but overall reaching out for support during a time like this is so important. I think your idea of going back to the farm and taking a few riding lessons is a perfect way to solidify your happy memories there.

In time, you will be able to remember those happy sessions with your T and the pain will lessen. It really does, even though that may not seem possible to you right now.

Summer

hi. thanks for the responses everyone. i can't say much right now. i'll come back to write more later. i have two hours left to cancel my appointment with equine T tomorrow and it's all i can do to not cancel right now.

(((((Jane))))) Don't cancel. You're struggling to deal with an immense amount of stuff and eq T, although she is also the source of some of the pain, is safe and can help comfort you. You're going to hurt when she leaves no matter what you do, so at least derive what comfort and strength you can from the relationship while you can still see her. I'm sorry this is so hard.

AG

(((((((JANE))))))

Thinking of you.



Liese

Jane, thinking about you this morning <3

Jane, I know what you are going through - my T left me and I'm still extremely hurt. Life's loses are hard to cope with. I don't know what I could possibly say to make you feel better or have more faith in the world, but if you want to rant and let out all your thoughts, hurts and frustrations, then that is what you should do. My thoughts are with you.

hi,

I didn't cancel. I am still so tempted. I have cried this afternoon. I talked to regular T... somehow I have myself convinced that if I go, I will sabatoge it, and fear I already have. Regular T didn't think I have sabatoged anything and thinks I can handle tomorrow without sabatoging it. I have no idea what I am afraid I will do to sabatoge it, but I am scared all the same. It just scares me so much.

Reg T and I spent about 5 minutes doing mini-EMDR session with what it could feel like to see her tomorrow, or at least all the feelings that get stirred up when I just picture seeing her tomorrow. Then reg T told me to visualize and think about how I want tomorrow with eq T to go, later on tonight. Then she has me practice expressing some of the thinsg I'm feeling, and I kept telling her that I felt everything I was expressing was just awful to express, but reg T said no, it was all good, and kept trying to point out to me the good way I was expressing really awful feelings. She said if I could do the same tomorrow with equine T, then it could even be really healing.

*If* I can express this tomorrow to eq T, but i is different to express it to eq T than it is to reg T or anyone else...

I want to run so bad. Cancel. Tell her she is a jerk and um... ok, I don't really think that or want to do that. But then I keep thinking of it. I am so terrified of seeing her tomorrow, and I'm scared even on an antianxiety med the doc gave me for the weekend (and is tapering off now). oh dear. I have to be drugged to begin to say bye to my T?

I think I am for sure going to ask her if I can have more sessions than just 3 before she goes. And if I can keep emailing her. And I also don;t want any of that at the same time - this makes me wonder if I am borderline in how I am reacting to all of this? my reg T said no... but... I want to bolt and I want to ask for more time at the same time and it is making me dizzy!

I want to email her tonight and say "I CAN'T DO THIS." I'm pretty sure that would not be helpful for me or her for me to email that to her. My appointment is 16 hours away anyhow. I can just tell her that in person and then just bolt out the door...

AG ~ I guess that is what is so confusing on a really young level. The person that is hurting me can also comfort me, AND it is not like absuive hurt, just hurt... and she was safe... and hopefully will still be safe tomorrow... You really think she might be able to help me through this? How? My old T that terminated with me just emailed me abruptly and left, never to be heard form again. Regular T is trying to help, bless her heart, but I am being as stubborn as can be. You really think eq T can help? if I let her in? reg T said t go and be honest, and just share with equine T lots of... I am feeling this... I am thinking this... I am wishing for this... I feel sad about this... I am angry about this... and not act out of them towards her, but to share them with her. And then... what? what can she do? what can anyone do? Then all my heart will be out there before a T who probably guesses most of it anyhow, and she is leaving me soon and I will be left with all of it and... how do I process an ending? Do we go over the past time togther? Do we... what do we do? how do healthier T endings happen? (sorry, I'm not directing all these questions to you AG, but to you or anyone who might have any input)

Liese ~ Thank you for the hugs. I think I might want to ask T for another hug tomorrow.

Ninn ~ tTank you for your thoughts. this is rough and it helps so much to knwo I'm not alone.

born2write ~ I am so sorry your T left. thanks for bearing with me through my ranting and raving...


I feel like a two year old, throwing a fit that my T is leaving and I am NOT ok with it. but it is. and it will be.

and I will miss how safe I feel with her so deeply. I just can't face that loss most of all.

I'm so sorry everyone I am so messy about this and so struggling. Thanks for being here with me through this. I dunno what I would do without you all. I told regular T today that if it wasn't for here and reg T's support, I probably would have just driven away from everything, like to another state just to try to escape the pain and tried to numba nd stuff it all in every litteral and figurative way possible... I suppose this is healthier.

I just can't seem to let her go / hold her in my heart (both at the same time) enough to face her... but I guess I got to try anyhow...

everything in me just wants to cry out like a little child, "no no no no no no..."

The loss of a safe and good T relationship is something that I don't think anyone can understand but you all. Thank you for being here with me through this.

~ jane

quote:

AG ~ I guess that is what is so confusing on a really young level. The person that is hurting me can also comfort me, AND it is not like absuive hurt, just hurt... and she was safe... and hopefully will still be safe tomorrow... You really think she might be able to help me through this? How? My old T that terminated with me just emailed me abruptly and left, never to be heard form again. Regular T is trying to help, bless her heart, but I am being as stubborn as can be. You really think eq T can help? if I let her in? reg T said t go and be honest, and just share with equine T lots of... I am feeling this... I am thinking this... I am wishing for this... I feel sad about this... I am angry about this... and not act out of them towards her, but to share them with her. And then... what? what can she do? what can anyone do? Then all my heart will be out there before a T who probably guesses most of it anyhow, and she is leaving me soon and I will be left with all of it and... how do I process an ending? Do we go over the past time togther? Do we... what do we do? how do healthier T endings happen? (sorry, I'm not directing all these questions to you AG, but to you or anyone who might have any input)

((((Jane))))) These are reasonable, and understandable questions you are asking and I have what will probably not be a very satisfying answer for you, but I have only my own experience to offer.

What we long for, and it is healthy, is for the pain to be over, for the pain to stop. What you want (and anyone would in your position) is for your EqT to show up tomorrow and say "hey, I'm not going to have to go." You are doing NOTHING WRONG by wanting that. There is also NOTHING WRONG with all the feelings (all of them, good, bad and in between) that you are having. Saying goodbye is always difficult. To be human is to know that all of our relationships will end, but yet to live fully, to be who we are meant to be, we have to let people in and become attached to them in a way that makes it inevitable that we will be in pain someday. It can look like the height of insanity. But here's the truth I learned. Pain is not a part of love, pain is a part of life. We will all know loss, but love is the answer to that pain. Love has always been the answer to pain.

So by walking with your EqT through this, by opening up to her how this feels, being able to express your feelings to her and having her hear and understand you, is what will tell you that you truly matter to her, that the connection transcends time, distance and even death. She can receive you fully and accept all of your feelings about her. It will not make the pain and grief disappear, I will not lie to you, but it can provide you the strength and comfort you need to face the pain and walk through it.

As to the why, Jane, there is a mystery at the heart of healing. There is a verse in the bible, that where two or three are gathered in His name, God is with them. I have no idea why it is so healing, but I have seen experienced it with my T and from the other side with people on the phone lines. When we connect with another human being, when we allow ourselves to open up and be seen in our vulnerability and are received with respect and love and acceptance, a space is opened between us, and in my worldview, it is in that space that God flows and brings healing. My T will tell you that he still cannot explain how it happens but he can still be in awe of it. I am sorry that I can not explain it to you, I cannot explain it to myself, but I know it's truth because I have experienced it.

You are stronger, so much stronger than you know, and this time you do not have to endure the goodbye alone. You have a loving other to walk through it with you. Use that, lay hold of it, it really will help.

But oh my very dear, I am so sorry you have to face this. If I could fix it, please know I would. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.

love, AG

AG ~ I don't have a lot of words tonight, but really wanted to thank you so much for your response. I keep feeling so bad I got so attached, and then yet thinking... wait... I wanted that... I still do... with others too... and yet it hurts so bad...

quote:

So by walking with your EqT through this, by opening up to her how this feels, being able to express your feelings to her and having her hear and understand you, is what will tell you that you truly matter to her, that the connection transcends time, distance and even death. She can receive you fully and accept all of your feelings about her. It will not make the pain and grief disappear, I will not lie to you, but it can provide you the strength and comfort you need to face the pain and walk through it.

This what I really really want... She can't make the pain go away. She isn't going to stay, and I wouldn't want the relationship to mean less. I do want what you described so well.

I'm about to wander off to bed, and then up to see my T. My biggest hope and prayer right now is that I do not run, but that I go and be present, and really that I not be numb, but just be there, even if I can't say a thing. Just to go and be there and be really there. I'm scared my head will numb out and run off, if my legs don't. But maybe, hopefully, I can really let all of me be there, if just for a moment. (dang, it's gonna hurt too.)

Thank you AG, so much.

~ jane

Good luck JD!!!

Jane,

I hear how much pain you're in. I just want to offer you my support in the form of a cyber-hug

thank you BLT and effed

2 more hours to go until I see her. 1.5 hours until I leave. (oh this can't be good that I am counting down by the half hour until my appointment. )

I will not cancel, I will not cancel, I will not cancel...

breathing,
(or at least trying to)
~ jane


edited to update: I went. It was hard. I'm glad I went. I feel a mountain of anxiety right now - like seperation anxiety... but I also feel a little relief. And a ton of feelings.

I am going to be able to go back and see her again on Thursday, and we are going to take it from there as far as scheduling for next week...

She said she hoped the last week she is here, the last week of March, could look like this: I am *maybe* going to meet with a *possible* new eq T or another type of T with eq T, and then will have another one last appointment with her "just for us to close here."

I can't get my head or heart around any of that.

I did go today. I went. I stayed present, most of the time. Twice I frooze up, but was able to reground pretty fast. That is the thing I wanted the most and want the most for my next few and last sessions with her. Just typing "last sessions" is so painful.

I can't imagine or handle trying to face any of the next steps AT ALL. But I went today. And T said I did a good job of breathing. I felt a lot. I expressed what little amounts that I could. I held on tight to a horse's lead, and even cried into his shoulder at one point. I asked T for a hug before we ended, and she gladly gave it. I can't imagine this ending. I told her I don't know how to let go, and I want to run so bad, and I am mad and I am sad and... and we talked a little about the little kid feelings too.

it was really really really hard.

I started to get numb when I first got chocked up and started to cry, so T had me hang on to a horse and I was able to talk and let myself cry. The second time I started to numb out is when T said at the end of the session, that she was going to miss the relationship with me. Then we joked about how "too much kindness" makes my head numb out. But I still held those words. They hurt. And they feel good too.

I'm really really really glad I went. I hope I can remind myself of this when it come close to the next appointment and I want to bail again.

I feel like I could sleep for hours right now, but I have to go on with the rest of my day... It was a really draining appointment. The good things about the time with her make it even harder to face her going away. The hard things make it harder too. but I do feel glad I went and didn't run.

Thanks everyone for the support through this. It is one of the very hardest things I have ever intentionally tried to do, in the middle of a very difficult season of life.

~ jane

I've been reading the thread but haven't had anything wise to add. I couldn't resist responding to your comment about counting down by the half hour to your session. Today, I figured out that I had 49.5 hours until my appointment!

(((((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it was so hard...but so glad you decided to go. Very courageous of you to do that. Thinking of you...

Many gentle hugs,

SG

Raven ~ I'm back to counting down by the half hours again.... I surely do know what that is like. I hope your appointment tomorrow goes ok.

SG ~ thank you so much for the thoughts and hugs.



I saw regular T today. I see equine T tomorrow... It's a lot of therapy time, but both equine T and regular T say it's really important and are keeping the fees really low so I can go and so they can support me through this. I am sort of tied up in knots about this.

Reg T told me she talked with eq T today, and and regular T told me a little about it. I guess some of the conversation was equine T talking with regular T about her (eq T's) process, in a good way... (I quickly understood it was info not to disclose to me.) Reg T did tell me the same thing eq t said to me though - that eq T wishes she had more time, "at least a few months" to "walk through this with" me. me too. Reg T said the two of them talked about trying to figure out what to do with my treatment when equine T is gone. I'm really scared about figuring that out. Reg T said to leave it with her and equine T right now to make calls and try to figure out some options and what would be the next best step, and for me to focus on just continuing to talk and process and walk through this. Reg T kept telling me I'm doing it well. Reg T and eq T have talked a few times over the past almost two years of seeing both of them, but not a lot of times. Req T said they spent some time today just talking about how well the therapy still worked, how I would bring insights from work with one to the work with the other T. That made me feel really good. Reg T also talked about how much she knows the space with equine T has been so important and so helpful, and she told me she told equine T that... and it hurt so bad to hear that... to hear how important this space is that I am going to lose... Reg T tried to reassure me equine T is also working on trying to find options for someone to work with me and the horses a bit longer... so I don't have to let go and grieve all of it at once, and that they both are trying to avoid having to say bye to the horses AND equine T, to give me a chance to just walk through letting go of equine T... but they just don't know yet... reg T kept trying to reassure me they are looking into a variety of ideas. All of it just makes me cry, so I'm not of much use trying to do much of anything.

I cringed every time reg T said the word "ending" when talking about all of this. Just that word makes my heart hurt. I've had people I have been close with who have died before, and yet somehow, this grief just seems to run so deep. Reg T thinks I am letting myself feel pain this deep for the first time, and the pain has been there already, and now is even deeper and harder with this loss.

After we talked about eq T and reg T's conversation today, my session with reg T today was really different than usual. Reg T said I seem to be shifting, in a very important direction... I don't understand any of it. I feel dizzy. Litterally and emotionally dizzy.

I see equine T tomorrow. I'm not dreading it quite as much as last time. I am really struggling with a lot of fear about what will come when she is gone, and the fear of losing the safe space with her.

Intellectually, I know that if I can find it with her, I can find it elsewhere, but I am scared all the same. There is a lot of really huge stuff in my life that this process is stirring up, or was stirred up already and now is even harder to deal with.

I'm not really looking forward to seeing equine T tomorrow - but I don't feel like canceling, so I guess that is progress? It's so hard when both T's keep saying they wish there was more time - something I haven't expressed to them, but that they are saying themselves (and I very much agree).

In the middle of this, my mom flew in from out of state last night to stay for a couple of days. She planned to come out a few weeks ago, and before I knew all this would be coming up. It is so weird to be with her and then deal with eq and reg T and the rest of life right now.

I have stopped having any desire to eat, anything, I just have no appetite... I keep trying. I wish I was doing better with this. This is one thing my mother keeps noticing. sigh. I'm trying! It seems to be the sheer grief and sense of loss that is eliminating my appetite.

I just don't know how to let go... I'm not sure where to go from here with my time with eq T tomorrow. The pain sometimes takes my breath away. I wish she would be a jerk or cold or SOMETHING to make her leaving easier. But she isn't.

It's just one person... and yet so much more... and all of this is making some really big questions and battles I am having in my life so much bigger and harder and scarier. I feel like a wuss. (self critic strikes again).

I'm sorry to just ramble on here about this. I feel so alone in this in my life, and it helps to share it here. Thanks everyone. (and ideas or thoughts or input or suggestion much welcome - and thank you to anyone who has just even read this far, and hung in with me through this.)

feeling super small, scared, mixed up, and tired,

~ jane

Jane, I'm so sorry, this all sounds like sooooo much emotionally!!

quote:

I have stopped having any desire to eat, anything, I just have no appetite... I keep trying. I wish I was doing better with this. This is one thing my mother keeps noticing. sigh. I'm trying! It seems to be the sheer grief and sense of loss that is eliminating my appetite.

This is so understandable. It sounds like a symptom, not a behavior. If you can, drink BOOST, or another drink like that to get your protein, vitamins, and calories.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through

(((((((((JD)))))))

just big hugs, is all I can offer, any words I can offer seem pointless.

keep talking...

Love,

BB

Ninn ~ good idea about he boost - It gave me the idea to get some protein drinks, seems to be helping.

bb ~ thank you for the hugs



counting down hours again. It is early in the morning where I live and there are 3 hours until I see eq T. I'm angry. I just am. I can't seem to stop the tears either. I've been through so much crap, I have failed at so many things, now this too? I'm terrified they won't be able to to even find a new eq T and I'll have to say goodbye to horses too. THIS IS NOT OK. I've been working so hard to get a better job anyhow, and if I just had that... Why does my healing have to even involve anyone else? ugh, I already know the answer to that, I just really don't like it right now.

I think I have some really hard and scary stuff to talk with equine T about what happens after she is gone this morning. I don't think there are any good options. I get that bad feeling from eq T and reg T. I hate this. This is what it means? To attach in therapy and end and not end because they couldn't hack me?

I am conflicted about if connecting and attaching in therapy is worth this pain - but I'm in the middle of the storm. I know I can't see objectively.

less than 3 more hours to go,
~ jane

You're not failing. You are doing fabulous, and you will be able to see it afterwards!

Thanks BLT


I don't want to walk through this anymore. I'm back to wanting to email T and say I can't face it anymore... and just cancel these last sessions the next two weeks... and stuff the pain...

The only thing that is stopping me is how much she has done for me... and how much. Want to tey to end well with her, out of gratitude for her... but then I wonder if it is hard for her too, and maybe I'd save hertime and my thanks isn't worth this.

I had a very intense tdream about her last night. I am going to miss her so deeply. ?ore than I can admit to her. She is going to be gone...

I got triggered tonight extremely badly and flooded with grief. Tried to reach out for help. It totally backfired. My mind is in dark places. I sent an email to both my Ts saying I quit therapy entirely. I just can't do this. I have failed. I can't do it. I have ruined it all.