(((Jane)))
I'm sorry you are in such a dark place now. Ending therapy is horribly painful, to the point that you cannot imagine getting through it, but you will. You didn't fail and cause this to happen.
Please keep reaching out for help.
summer ~ thank you. I really can't imagine the other side of this and I can't imagine facing her again.
echoes ~ part of me thinks you are really right. the rest of me... i am so scared that when i see her i waill just scream at her to say there is not enough time and i can't let her go in my heat and i can't face this and i am so riggered and so much loss of so many other things is coming up like a freight train and i can deal with this... and i'd scream it at her. that i hate her and hate me. like some little kid.
this is I emailed to both of them:
"I'm so sorry, I can't do any of this. I quit. I'm tired and freaking out and I'm tired of feeling this pain. I can not face myself. I can do this. I have been through way too much to now deal with anything else. I hate this, I hate me, and I can not face this or me. I quit therapy. I give up. I am done. I am not coming back. I quit."
It was not even a nice or very adult or profesisonal email. I can't stop crying and shaking. I don't have any idea what to do now.
Days and weeks and months of so much loss are hitting me like a frieght train. There is one thing I was going to tell eq T about, and the session where I almost told her, it was the session she told me she was moving away. So I reached out to tells someone else, and it blew up in my face. And now the one person I almost trusted to tell, who would likely take it really well and be able to help me through it, eq T is moving away and feeling that mix of pain triggered this mountain of loss to hit me so hard and I still can't stop shaking and crying. I fell asleep in tears, and woke up several times during the night in a state of panic and crying. I've never cried like this before... I don't know what is even going on with me. I just keep thinking about how I almost told her and now, it's too late and too big and I am so alone with this and she is gone and... well, my thoughts are not rational. Or very adult. I feel like a little kid throwing a fit. I don't want any of this anymore. I don't want therapy if it means this.
but I also know at some level in my heart I do want to go back and I am going to severely regret what I have done and I have no idea how to go back now after this.
~ jane
echoes ~ part of me thinks you are really right. the rest of me... i am so scared that when i see her i waill just scream at her to say there is not enough time and i can't let her go in my heat and i can't face this and i am so riggered and so much loss of so many other things is coming up like a freight train and i can deal with this... and i'd scream it at her. that i hate her and hate me. like some little kid.
this is I emailed to both of them:
"I'm so sorry, I can't do any of this. I quit. I'm tired and freaking out and I'm tired of feeling this pain. I can not face myself. I can do this. I have been through way too much to now deal with anything else. I hate this, I hate me, and I can not face this or me. I quit therapy. I give up. I am done. I am not coming back. I quit."
It was not even a nice or very adult or profesisonal email. I can't stop crying and shaking. I don't have any idea what to do now.
Days and weeks and months of so much loss are hitting me like a frieght train. There is one thing I was going to tell eq T about, and the session where I almost told her, it was the session she told me she was moving away. So I reached out to tells someone else, and it blew up in my face. And now the one person I almost trusted to tell, who would likely take it really well and be able to help me through it, eq T is moving away and feeling that mix of pain triggered this mountain of loss to hit me so hard and I still can't stop shaking and crying. I fell asleep in tears, and woke up several times during the night in a state of panic and crying. I've never cried like this before... I don't know what is even going on with me. I just keep thinking about how I almost told her and now, it's too late and too big and I am so alone with this and she is gone and... well, my thoughts are not rational. Or very adult. I feel like a little kid throwing a fit. I don't want any of this anymore. I don't want therapy if it means this.
but I also know at some level in my heart I do want to go back and I am going to severely regret what I have done and I have no idea how to go back now after this.
~ jane
quote:There is one thing I was going to tell eq T about, and the session where I almost told her, it was the session she told me she was moving away.
(((Jane)))
I really believe that you should tell eqT what you had planned to share with her that session. Maybe you could send her an email explaining what you needed to tell her, but couldn't once she said she was leaving.
It's not your fault that the session got side-tracked due to her move. I can imagine that you froze emotionally when she told you of the move and everything else that you had been working on in therapy seemed less significant with the realization that you were going to have to prepare to say good-bye to her.
Use this time left with her to vent your feelings, even if it feels childlike. She cannot help you if she doesn't know the extent of your pain. I'm sorry I remained so kind and reserved during my last session because I wanted to make it easier on my P. I thought if I didn't fall apart in the final session he would remain in contact with me as he promised. He didn't fulfill that promise and I never got the chance to fully express how the ending affected me.
I know it may feel as if you cannot face this, but you can and it really is important to reach out to other professionals for help. They may not completely understand, but it's better than turning it inward and suffering so terribly.
hugs,
Summer
summer ~ I think you are right.... I think.... ph I don't know. I mean really, what do I have to lose? nothing at this point. I so badly want to end well. I just already quit though. I wonder if there is a way to go back. I really do think I will just freak out though, and I so badly want to end well, but I guess that's already not the case with the email I sent.
what I wanted to tell is her kind of really huge. I'm not sure she can help me with it. I'm not sure I need much more than just someone who accepts me about this thing. If she does accept me about it, it will make her leaving all the more painful. Maybe that's why I'm pushing her away even more. Maybe I do need to say all of this to her. I'm so afraid that after how I have freaked out now, that if I try again, I really will scream at her out of my pain.
what I wanted to tell is her kind of really huge. I'm not sure she can help me with it. I'm not sure I need much more than just someone who accepts me about this thing. If she does accept me about it, it will make her leaving all the more painful. Maybe that's why I'm pushing her away even more. Maybe I do need to say all of this to her. I'm so afraid that after how I have freaked out now, that if I try again, I really will scream at her out of my pain.
As a therapist, she should be able to accept your pain. It's not as if you are attacking her personally, but you are facing a very painful type of grieving. I found the grief associated with termination especially painful because we end up grieving for someone who is still around, but not able to interact with us.
If I were you, I would try to not to focus on what you should or shouldn't do in terms of creating a good ending, but let those feelings be expressed.
I can't imagine she wouldn't let you come back even though you said you quit in an email. I believe endings are hard for Ts as well, but they have to respect our wishes and if we say we don't want final sessions, she's not going to insist. She may be waiting for you to reach out.
It's such a horrible form of grief. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Summer
If I were you, I would try to not to focus on what you should or shouldn't do in terms of creating a good ending, but let those feelings be expressed.
I can't imagine she wouldn't let you come back even though you said you quit in an email. I believe endings are hard for Ts as well, but they have to respect our wishes and if we say we don't want final sessions, she's not going to insist. She may be waiting for you to reach out.
It's such a horrible form of grief. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Summer
Jane,
So you wrote an email ... I did the same and when the pain was to much to take, I ask if T if I could come back and the door was wide open.
I will be going in tomorrow to work through ... heaven only knows what with old T at least I will say "goodbye" and know I tried.
Lots of
s
kansas
So you wrote an email ... I did the same and when the pain was to much to take, I ask if T if I could come back and the door was wide open.
I will be going in tomorrow to work through ... heaven only knows what with old T at least I will say "goodbye" and know I tried.
Lots of
skansas
(((((summer)))))) (((((kansas)))))
I keep trying. I can't seem to relaly do it or to really give up.
I sent her two emails today.
one was to try and ask if I could come in anyhow tomorrow... and I also wrote, in the same email, "This is not very rational or adult or fair or anything good... but I'm angry you are leaving. I don't think there is really time or space to deal with it. And frankly, I don't think anyone can handle it or anything you included. I don't know how to show up with you and leave it behind. I don't want to run. I want to walk this through to the end, whatever that means, but... I feel stuck... what do I do with this? I want to hide from this. how the heck do I show up tomorrow? is that even ok? "
I sent that this morning.
Tonight I sent an email and left a voicemail message asking if I even have an ppointment tomorrow, and saying, "if I do, it's too late to cancel, right?" It is usually required to give 24 hours notice and my appointment is 14 hours away.
I am so upset. I want to show her my art, I want to talk about important things. I can't get there. All I can imagine doing is screaming at her.
I don't even know what to do. Time is running out. I am freaking out. My mind is very dark and slipping into SU places. I just don't want to do any of this therapy stuff anymore at all. I am so far over the edge. I have had various wildly destructive impluses all day - very unlike me - and I haven't acted on them, but I keep thinking of doing all these really bad things. I want to do all kinds of stupid reckless things. I have no idea why. I just am at a loss.
Neither T has responded, or is likely to respond, despite my asking. I am abandoned and alone and I didn't sigh up for this!!!
I feel like such a joke.
~ jane
I keep trying. I can't seem to relaly do it or to really give up.
I sent her two emails today.
one was to try and ask if I could come in anyhow tomorrow... and I also wrote, in the same email, "This is not very rational or adult or fair or anything good... but I'm angry you are leaving. I don't think there is really time or space to deal with it. And frankly, I don't think anyone can handle it or anything you included. I don't know how to show up with you and leave it behind. I don't want to run. I want to walk this through to the end, whatever that means, but... I feel stuck... what do I do with this? I want to hide from this. how the heck do I show up tomorrow? is that even ok? "
I sent that this morning.
Tonight I sent an email and left a voicemail message asking if I even have an ppointment tomorrow, and saying, "if I do, it's too late to cancel, right?" It is usually required to give 24 hours notice and my appointment is 14 hours away.
I am so upset. I want to show her my art, I want to talk about important things. I can't get there. All I can imagine doing is screaming at her.
I don't even know what to do. Time is running out. I am freaking out. My mind is very dark and slipping into SU places. I just don't want to do any of this therapy stuff anymore at all. I am so far over the edge. I have had various wildly destructive impluses all day - very unlike me - and I haven't acted on them, but I keep thinking of doing all these really bad things. I want to do all kinds of stupid reckless things. I have no idea why. I just am at a loss.
Neither T has responded, or is likely to respond, despite my asking. I am abandoned and alone and I didn't sigh up for this!!!
I feel like such a joke.
~ jane
Oh Jane, I know exactly what you are going through and how broken your heart is right now. I wish there was a way to take away the pain, the confusion, the regret and the endless wishes - the wishes that you had done that, and not done the next thing etc etc. I know Jane. I really do. I know about falling asleep crying and waking up in the middle of the night crying. I know about the SU thoughts and everything you are going through right now. The hugs from the forums are great but you need a real hug. You need someone who is there for you in the flesh. I know. You know what I don't know? I don't know how to make your feelings go away. I don't know why this happened to you. I don't know how to make you feel better, but I do know the intensity of the pain does ease - not right away, but it does. It comes and goes in waves. At the moment you are just stuck in a tidal wave, and you will be in it for a while, but you need to have faith. I don't know what you will learn from this, but you will learn something for sure. Nobody experiences this much pain without some learning taking place. I still have my days and trust me they are not fun. I still wish I could turn back the clock. I still dream about that, but how I feel today is better than I felt 4 weeks ago - that doesn't mean I feel great, but today I feel a bit better, and I have to take each day as it comes. Baby steps and faith, and spew your thoughts out on this forum if it releases some of the pain. I wish I could help you more than that, but in the meanwhile.... you will have to just rely on these and know that there are people out there who understand your pain and are thinking or you. 
you will have to just rely on these and know that there are people out there who understand your pain and are thinking or you.
((((jane))))
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and I wish there was something I could do to help. I hope you did hear from your T. Please try and be gentle with yourself and stay safe.
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain and I wish there was something I could do to help. I hope you did hear from your T. Please try and be gentle with yourself and stay safe.
Dear Jane,
I'm so sorry that your therapy with EqT is ending. I'm thinking maybe it would help if your could tell her you are scared of screaming at her out of your pain, and that's a big part of why you cancelled? Maybe she will have a way to help you through that fear, or maybe just saying it out loud will make the whole thing less scary. Keep talking, keep engaging. It's okay if you don;t do this anywhere close to perfectly. There is actually no perfect way to handle such a painful thing.
I feel sure they will respond to you when they can, Jane. They care about you and want you to be safe through this.
xxJones
I'm so sorry that your therapy with EqT is ending. I'm thinking maybe it would help if your could tell her you are scared of screaming at her out of your pain, and that's a big part of why you cancelled? Maybe she will have a way to help you through that fear, or maybe just saying it out loud will make the whole thing less scary. Keep talking, keep engaging. It's okay if you don;t do this anywhere close to perfectly. There is actually no perfect way to handle such a painful thing.
I feel sure they will respond to you when they can, Jane. They care about you and want you to be safe through this.
xxJones
((((born2write))))) ((((incognitio)))) (((jones))))
i'm pretty fried right now... I'll respond more later, but wanted to say thank you so much for the responses. I did go - eq T did call back and helped me get my feet in the door. Hardest and most baffling and kind of intensely healing session of my life.
exhausted but so thankful for you all and your support through this,
~ jane
i'm pretty fried right now... I'll respond more later, but wanted to say thank you so much for the responses. I did go - eq T did call back and helped me get my feet in the door. Hardest and most baffling and kind of intensely healing session of my life.
exhausted but so thankful for you all and your support through this,
~ jane
I'm glad you went and had a healing session.
hugs,
Summer
hugs,
Summer
Summer ~ thank you so much
quick update:
I have another session tomorrow, one with my t and a *possible* new T next week, and one last session with eq T next week....
What I feel right now: fear, more fear, and paralyzing fear. This early morning I am finishing up a long letter with a lot of thoughts to her.
When I see eq T on Friday, I'm hoping to finally have the courage to ask if we can have aSkype call or phone call 2 or 3 weeks after she leaves. She offered to have contact after she left, but I have so many conflicted feelings about it. But, I'm thinking of asking... what do I have to lose...? It's been so super intense, and then to drop off and have zero contact will be rough. That's what I'm trying to be a little prepared for. I also think it will be hard to have contact with her right after see leaves. A gradual ending would have beeen better but I would rather have this intense time working through stuff than not. But shiesh this is really hard.
On top of things, I've had a really serious rupture with my reg T this week, to the point she is suggesting maybe we find a new T instead of her. (ACK! NO!) But she is willing to "try" to work it out. I'm not even sure what happened and excatly how she feels we suddenly got so off track.
I'm shaking, not eating, so tired all the time, and look really worn out to people and one of the hard things is that I can't really tell most people in life why. I'm sooo thankful for you all and being able to share this here. I'm down enough that I have had to say something to a couple of people to explain why I look so tired and people say I look like I'm grieving. So I've told someone I'm in the process of walking through a really big loss of someone very dear to me. I think people think someone died... ugh. oh well.
I am also very humbled by this process in realizing how much I have just cut and run from relationships in the past and not said goodbye. I am humbled by my T's compassion for me, even when I am furious with her for leaving, and dare to share with her that I am. I can't thank you all enough for encouraging me to keep going through this. I am so scared to face this pain about my T leaving, and all the deeper pain it is stirring. But I want to live more fully alive... so bad... and somehow get through this...
sorry to post another jumbled up and scattered post. I will respond more individually soon.
exhausted,
~ jane
quick update:
I have another session tomorrow, one with my t and a *possible* new T next week, and one last session with eq T next week....
What I feel right now: fear, more fear, and paralyzing fear. This early morning I am finishing up a long letter with a lot of thoughts to her.
When I see eq T on Friday, I'm hoping to finally have the courage to ask if we can have aSkype call or phone call 2 or 3 weeks after she leaves. She offered to have contact after she left, but I have so many conflicted feelings about it. But, I'm thinking of asking... what do I have to lose...? It's been so super intense, and then to drop off and have zero contact will be rough. That's what I'm trying to be a little prepared for. I also think it will be hard to have contact with her right after see leaves. A gradual ending would have beeen better but I would rather have this intense time working through stuff than not. But shiesh this is really hard.
On top of things, I've had a really serious rupture with my reg T this week, to the point she is suggesting maybe we find a new T instead of her. (ACK! NO!) But she is willing to "try" to work it out. I'm not even sure what happened and excatly how she feels we suddenly got so off track.
I'm shaking, not eating, so tired all the time, and look really worn out to people and one of the hard things is that I can't really tell most people in life why. I'm sooo thankful for you all and being able to share this here. I'm down enough that I have had to say something to a couple of people to explain why I look so tired and people say I look like I'm grieving. So I've told someone I'm in the process of walking through a really big loss of someone very dear to me. I think people think someone died... ugh. oh well.
I am also very humbled by this process in realizing how much I have just cut and run from relationships in the past and not said goodbye. I am humbled by my T's compassion for me, even when I am furious with her for leaving, and dare to share with her that I am. I can't thank you all enough for encouraging me to keep going through this. I am so scared to face this pain about my T leaving, and all the deeper pain it is stirring. But I want to live more fully alive... so bad... and somehow get through this...
sorry to post another jumbled up and scattered post. I will respond more individually soon.
exhausted,
~ jane
Keep hanging in there and by no means are you going to end with your regular T. Some kind of misunderstanding happened but it should be fixable.
Sorry it's so hard JD. You're doing great still!