quote:

And, so how do I tell him, you need to be more direct with me. You are treating me like a child and then I am starting to act like a child. The nonverbal communication is just not working for me because that is how we communicated in my FOO.

Hey Liese
I am having some similar struggles and I haven't got the skills to work them through, talk to T about it or progress. I want to quit instead.

How about you start the conversation off with T with the above quote of your own words. It says everything you want to say! Sometimes it is better to just say it to get it out inthe open.

Well, I've found that I've somehow become able to say tons of this sort of stuff to T, like what things are helpful and not helpful, what things he does that trigger certain things, etc. A few months ago, I actually had to tell him that I needed him to push, to not let me off the hook too easily when I am trying to avoid things, even if I get frustrated. To trust me that if I absolutely can't talk about something, that I will hold to it. But, sometimes, I can, but it's hard, or I'm having trouble with the words, identifying it verbally, or just overcome by anxiety and want to avoid it by saying it's "not important." So, now he will push, which is helpful, but also hard when I want to avoid stuff. It seems just right, though. He will do it gently, asking whether it might be a good idea to push through the discomfort, whether it is really not important, whether it might be harder in the long run to keep avoiding it, etc. But, to me, that's not the kind of pushing it sounds like you're asking for. It sounds like you're looking more for him to share his insights? Am I understanding you correctly? I've found that my T is also hesitant to do this, to push me in the sense of identifying connections that I haven't started to make myself. I think that's why the whole diagnosis issue was floating around in his mind for several months before my freaking out about my deterioration caused us to need to discuss things head on.

Anyway, here are the things that I have found help when I need to ask T to change things up in the way he works with me:

-Share in writing. I find that my anxiety over being misunderstood or accidentally offending him decreases when I can be specific, purposeful and thoughtful about what I'm asking him.

-Give specific examples of things he has done that were both helpful and unhelpful regarding the specific topic. Like, "When you said '_____,' in response to our discussion, I felt ______ and it really helped me make a connection that I wouldn't have been able to without it.' In my case, I've had to ask my T to ask specific questions over and over, because it feels like it gives me "permission" to share, like he is interested, wants to know, isn't going to get mad or disgusted or anything like that by what I am sharing. Or, I have asked him when I am overwhelmed to remind me that I can share just the smallest detail or the vaguest bit to get started. That I don't need to think about sharing the whole thing.

-I own the parts that are from me, my reactions, but still say there are ways T can help me through those things.

Um, I had more, but I've blanked. Maybe later it will come back to me.

Thanks for explaining that so well yaku. I am going to take a copy of what you wrote and think about it.

(((SOMEDAYS)))

I'm sorry that you are feeling the same way and want to quit. I thought things were going well?

(((YAKU))))

What great ideas! Thank you. That's terrific that you found a way around those obstacles. I was so worried that I offended him on Monday that I placed an emergency call on Monday night and told him that he has to stop me from picking at him and the relationship. He reassured me that everything was okay and that he's fine. I know it's me and I just have to find a way to communicate it.

He knows we weren't communicating very well before all the shit hit the proverbial fan. And so he might have already thought of these issues himself.

Oh Yaku, excellent reply!

Liese,

Like Yaku's T, my T won't make connections for me but after I've made them myself he indicates that's what he was waiting for, to which I state: "Well, if you have the freakin' manual that lays it out, why don't you just lemme read it so I can get with the program faster instead of letting me continue to pedal my clown car in the slow lane."

With regard to needing to be pushed -- I'm going to re-read Yaku's post a few more times and, like Somedays, consider it as fodder for my T. On a few occasions he's pushed but backed off quickly when he sensed distress. Last week, he said that I was resistant to XYZ and that he's sensitive to that but he won't continue for much longer to hold off on pushing because in the end it's not helpful for me.

I think that was sort of a "you can stand on the edge of the high dive for a bit longer pontificating and ruminating over how best to dive off, but at some point time's up and I'm gonna push you off...so you might want to consider which one you prefer."

I like that Yaku laid it out with her T that he can push her and if she REALLY CANNOT disclose/process at that moment because it feels unsafe and potentially traumatizing rather than just horribly uncomfortable, she will say so. I wonder if that isn't a good place to start with the conversation with your T too.

Hey Hemlock

Thanks for the great reply. I guess I get worried that if these other two T's hadn't said what they said to me that I'd still be treading water where I was two years ago. It has taken me a really really long time to open up. I can't blame him for going slow and not pushing me because when he has pushed, I pull back and say, ouch, that hurts too much. It's one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" kind of things with me probably. Like I was complaining on DF's thread that my T made some off the cuff remarks to me that upset me. And here I am asking him to be direct. But maybe the two things are different. Maybe I'm asking him to be direct in a serious kind of way but also give me enough reassurance that we are fine, that our relationship is fine. I mean, it has taken me four years to maybe kind of finally trust him and get to the point where I can focus on my needs in a more comfortable way.

quote:

And, so how do I tell him, you need to be more direct with me. You are treating me like a child and then I am starting to act like a child. The nonverbal communication is just not working for me because that is how we communicated in my FOO.

I think you have said it very well here. Especially in light of you not wanting to do recreate dances of the past with your T, but forge a new path. I come from a viewpoint that directness and putting things out on the table is a key part of building healthy relationships in general - and yet I find it really challenging too.

quote:

my T made some off the cuff remarks to me that upset me. And here I am asking him to be direct. But maybe the two things are different

I think they are. Direct can be done with tact and kindness and sensitivity.

One of my Ts errors on the end of not pushing to a huge degree. But there is one topic that I need her to push me on to talk about. I told her this, and she was totally willing. She says "ok, how about I ask you about it?" I was really glad for that. She then explained that what she needed from me for her to push me more to talk, was to tell her if the pushing or what she was saying was something I felt hurt by or was unhelpful. I said I would, as much as I possibly could. It all lead to a really helpful conversation of understanding why she doesn't push more. In my case, it is to challenge me to hold my own truth and space, and not let her define it for me, and just to be careful to not invade, like people have in the past, especially my FOO. It is a big part of her helping me say what I want. Some of it is also just her style and way of relating. That is just how it is for her and I, I'm not sure if that is smilliar to what is behind your T's lack of directness. I do think it is a really good thing that you are seeing something you need, want, and would be helpful for you, and are working through how to ask for what you need and how to navigate this.

eh, I don't really have any helpful input on this, I'm perpetually trying to figure out how to ask for what I want and need, but I do think it is a great that you are sorting out how to ask for this.

~ jane

p.s. I love your signature quote - that is really good!

Hi Jane!,

You gave me a lot of helpful input. And you are probably right on target about his reasons for not pushing me more. In terms of why your T doesn't push your more. Maybe until we have the discussion and he knows I'm going to be honest with him about how I'm feeling or if it's too intense, instead of trying to people please.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement to be more direct with him. Maybe he can be more direct with me when I can be more direct with him? Our relationship will reach a new level of honesty?

I'm so amazed at how adept my mind got at ignoring things and doing all kinds of other mental tricks. Last year, T told me he was about to bring up a certain topic if I didn't because it was the elephant in the room. I didn't even know there was an elephant in the room because I'm so used to having elephants in the room.

Liese,

That's a tough one. I know I struggle with being direct with what I feel and need. It's a tough skill to learn. What if you said to your T, "I feel frustrated (or whatever feeling you feel) because I need to talk about _____, but I have difficulty bringing myself to talk about it." Then see what he says? Perhaps you could say something like, "I know I need to talk about _________, but I avoid it because it feels scary (or whatever feeling). On the other hand, I also hear you saying (correct me if I'm wrong here) that you might not even be sure what some of the issues are because he isn't connecting the dots for you? I'm speaking from my own experience here so feel free to tell me to bug off, but I wonder if he does connect some of them, but you aren't able to hear them or take them in and give them meaning. Again, I could be way off here, but I know that sometimes my T has connected things for me and it just doesn't land, but later on when I've connected those dots myself is when it really sunk in and I got it.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It's a tough issue.

Hey STRM,

Thanks for you input and empathy. I don't know if it's just me again getting scared and protective or .... we haven't really connected any dots. I've learned a whole lot over the last 4 years but I'm not sure I learned what I should have learned. A lot of the work I've been doing has been kind of parallel to him instead of interactive. I don't know if that makes sense but that's the way it's been.

I opened the topic up on Monday and told him that another consult told me that he needs to help me process my stuff so it doesn't bother me anymore. But it's easy for a consult to say something like that when the consult hasn't worked with me for the length of time that T has. We will see what happens today.

He has also said things in the past like that I don't have to do this alone, that we can figure things out together but we just never seem to figure things out together. I figure everything out in between sessions and then go back and report to him, rather unemotionally, what I've realized. Maybe that would be a good way to put it, that he said we can figure things out together but we never seem to do that and I don't know how to do that and how can he help me.

quote:

I'm not sure I learned what I should have learned.

Liese,

Do you know what the "should" is about? Is it possible that you are learning what you need to learn in this moment even if it wasn't what you thought it should have been? I think often the most valuable lessons can come when you aren't expecting them or trying to manufacture them (not saying you are doing that, I'm speaking in generalities here). A few weeks ago I would not have said that I was learning what I needed to. I thought I was learning (from the rupture with my T) that people can't be trusted, that they will hurt me and act just like my mom and I couldn't change that. It turns out that what I learned wasn't at all what I thought it was. Ironically, in that huge rupture of trust I learned that I CAN trust. Weird, but true. So my point is that maybe the problem isn't in what you are learning, but rather in the expectation that you should be able to expect the content of the lessons in advance?

As far as the feeling of being parallel with your T rather than WITH him in this, it sounds like a safety issue. Like DF said, perhaps it doesn't feel safe for you. Intellectually maybe you feel like it should, but on a body level it doesn't and something blocks that process. It might help to look at that aspect of it as a way of getting through that. I don't know if in the past you often had to do things by yourself, but I'm guessing probably you did. So it makes sense that most of the connections and processing are happening outside of session. I have that issue often as well. It's really tough to break through.

Sorry, I could be really off here and as usual feel free to toss anything that doesn't apply.

Hey DF and STRM,

Thank you so much for your replies. They were really helpful and not off the mark at all. My T does not do EMDR, DF.

I really liked the suggestion to tell him that I'm just reporting and meant to do it today but got sidetracked. I'm putting it on the list for Monday.

STRM and DF, Interesting to me that you both picked up on the "should". What should I have learned and didn't? I've learned SO much that I shouldn't even focus on what I haven't learned or if I haven't made "psychological" progress as measured by some checklist. I guess I'm still a little burnt by T's inconsistent statement on that insurance company appeal. And, so that's me, putting myself down for not meeting some other standard that someone else set for me instead of judging my own experience and taking that in and letting ME be the arbiter. Because really I cherish every minute of my therapy and the things I've learned.

STRM, I used to read a lot into what T was doing, thinking he was teaching me things non-verbally that he wasn't teaching me. He would often remark that there are no hidden lessons for me, that he's direct, that he's going to be direct with me. He would also comment on how much I learned from it all anyway, all this stuff that he wasn't teaching me.

And, so I do think it has taken me a long time to just look at T's actions and reactions and let them speak for themself, so to speak.

I'm putting all this stuff on my list to talk to him about on Monday. You guys have really given me such great things to think about and talk about and you've helped me to organize my thoughts.

I made T a little card because I felt like I attacked him on Monday. After my session on Monday, I called him because I felt so bad. He reassured me that everything was okay and that he wants me to do that. (Attack him? Really? Maybe this is the only way to my unmet needs?) I took a piece of computer paper and folded it in half. On the outside, I wrote the info re: the YouTube video (((((STRM - thank you for sharing that with us))))) shared with us. I told him about the video and that I wanted to share it with him. He looked at the info I had written and it looked like he was going to put it on his desk. So then I said, you have to open it up. On the bottom half, I pasted some quotes that I like (from the quote thread, including ((((JANE'S - thank you for sharing that with us))))) funny one. On the top half, I wrote in large letters, THANKS. And then I wrote four things I'm grateful for: that he tries so hard to understand me, that I know how hard he is working to help me trust him and that I feel it, that he hasn't given up on me, and that he's so nice.

So, he read it and put it down and wheeled his chair over to me and took my hand and held it for what seemed like an eternity and I think he asked, so you do feel it? He held my hand and looked in my eyes and it was such a beautiful, spontaneous moment in life that even if I had tried to script that to happen, would never had happen. I never would have expected that from Mr. "I don't hug or hold hands". So, I'm reliving that moment over and over and feeling safe and warm and calm, at least for today.

Out of the four things I wrote, he seemed touched most by (astutely picking up on his comment ) the fact that I'm feeling how hard he is working to help me trust him. I know now that it means so much to him that I feel safe and that he makes the relationship safe for me and that goes a long way towards feeling safe. We can work on all that other stuff on Monday!!! There's always Monday and the session after that.

Thanks to everyone for helping me work this through. I hate to attack T or to feel like I'm attacking T just to get to my unmet needs. If I can phrase things in a nicer way, I do want to do that. Although, T has made it clear that he's up for the task. Why anyone would want to be a therapist is beyond me!

quote:

So, he read it and put it down and wheeled his chair over to me and took my hand and held it for what seemed like an eternity and I think he asked, so you do feel it? He held my hand and looked in my eyes and it was such a beautiful, spontaneous moment in life that even if I had tried to script that to happen, would never had happen. I never would have expected that from Mr. "I don't hug or hold hands". So, I'm reliving that moment over and over and feeling safe and warm and calm, at least for today.

Hi Liese,

I'm coming out of exile to tell you that was a really beautiful moment you had with your T and no wonder you are reliving it over and over. I really do understand that warm, glowing, ten-feet off the ground feeling when that happens. It's almost surreal.

I'm pleased that you were able to tell him what you were grateful for and that he understood it on a deep enough level to actually initiate a bit of warm touch and connection. You actually give me hope that this could be a possibility with my current T.

I'll bet you are looking forward to Monday.

Take care,
TN

((((DF)))) Thanks! It was a beautiful moment.

((((TN)))) It's so nice to see you. We've all been missing you. It was just one of those rare moments, I guess. A gesture that was able to convey so much in such a short amount of time. It's kind of astounding really. He could have said it in words but grabbing my hand like that really made me feel connected to him.

I haven't broached touch with him in terms of my relationship with him. But lately, I have been talking about how I don't have anyone to comfort me physically when I am sad. I put it in terms of having an H right there but not being able to get that sort of comfort from him. And how frustrating that is. Almost torturous. It was less threatening for me to approach it that way.

It was so odd in that after the moment was over, we went on with the rest of the session as though nothing had happened. Maybe I'll mention it on Monday and tell him how much it meant to me.

TN, I know how torturous it is to have a T sitting so close and wanting that hug so much and being so afraid to ask. When the time is right, the conversation will come up for you.

I bet you're looking forward to seeing your T on Monday. Will you give him a treat? Or a trick? (and, no I don't mean it in THAT way!!!)

Liese

Liese... LOL at the trick. Maybe a treat would be better...

I think moments like those are so powerful because by touching you instead of just talking about it your T reached you on that right brain emotional level. While just discussing it is more of a left-brain activity.

I have found that the most intense and powerful memories/feelings I have of my therapy with my current T are those times when I can recall how he looked at me in an emotional moment. I remember the expression on his face which made a greater impact at that moment than any eloquent words he could have said. His expression really reached inside and touched me and that is what I carried away from the session, not the words.

I know we will have the "touch" conversation at some point.

And you are correct... I AM very much looking forward to Monday. I really miss him.

TN

((Liese))

I'm so glad that you had that connected moment with your T. It sounds amazing and I'm not surprised that you are reliving it. I can't wait to hear how your therapy progresses.

(((TN)))(((INCOGNITO)))

The power of being human. When someone else cares so much about you and you feel it, there are no words. His hand was so warm. Now I just wish there was something else in me besides pain. How do I go on and build a nice emotional life? How do I go on to build just a nice life?

Hi Liese,
Your experience with your T is great...so happy for you. You are working hard and you will get there. There are common threads thru everyone's experiences and I can personally relate on some level to each story. I only go about once every three weeks but obsessed with that one hour and if I'll be able to get it right. Anyways, again happy for you and you're doing great...very brave.
Hopeful

(((HOPEFUL)))

Thanks for the kind words. I'm still amazed today by how that one seemingly simple gesture told me all that I needed to know from him, that all the words in the world wouldn't have been capable of conveying. I know how sorry he is that he wasn't listening to my distress until recently. I know how much he wants me to trust him. I know what a difference one human being caring about another human being can make. Even if it took four years to get it right.

It would be nice to think that this is the beginning of the second half of my life. My chance to make it meaningful. I can only pray that I'm up to the task.

xoxo

Liese

(((Liese)))

What a beautiful and touching moment. Thank you for sharing your session here. I'm so glad that it went well and you were able to really feel that connection.

((( Liese )))

Amazing to read this, sounds like a truly magical moment and as you say, one which you could never have planned for. I am so pleased for you, and I hope this has taken you to a deeper level of connection with T.

LL

Thanks STRM and Lamplighter ... thanks for being there and for listening.

Love,

Liese

Beautiful story Liese, I am rapt for you. They say a picture says a thousand words but the way your T held your hands and did and said the most perfect thing - said a million words.

Hopefully you can imprint this beautiful image and feeling in your heart. When you get doubts again - dig up this feeling.

SomeDays,

Thanks. Hope you are doing okay yourself.

((((((MONTE))))) So good to see you back. I have been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you have been doing. You are loved and were missed.

I have been thinking a lot about you especially around this issue because it was just recently that your T started to hold your hands. I was wondering how it all turned out for you. And, so my friend, Thank you for the update. Your return is quite timely.

Intuitively, I sensed that eventually you (and I) would run up against those boundaries. My T had already drawn a boundary there, IMO, when he announced a no-hugging, no-handholding policy. And, so was it just a mistake? Was he just overtaken with emotion in the moment? BUT, for the most part, I haven't gone there to that ugly place this weekend.

But I do have to face him today. And it seems inevitable that the subject will have to be talked about.


I know, Monte, it all sounds so soppy. And to some extent it is. But I have been astounded by the difference in me this weekend. Because even though he doesn't "love" me, I felt "loved". I felt "cared for". And I felt more "loving" towards others this weekend. And felt more "love" coming back at me. And as far as what you said, that it didn't take away the pain, it just lets you express more. I could see that totally being the case with me as well. But it's so important to be able to access that stuff and to be able to express it. For me, that no-touch thing can be a huge barrier. Touch seems to be the pathway to accessing those feelings. The no-touch thing feels like a huge wedge in the room. And it FEELS artificial. It makes the relationship FEEL artificial.

And that's why what you said here really struck me:

quote:

I understand what you mean about the warmth of your Ts hands. It makes them so unmistakably REAL.

Yes. That's it. It gave HIM a realness. He's not some cardboard cutout sitting across from me. I know that moment can never be recreated even if he is willing to incorporate some kind of touch into my therapy because it was just the right set of circumstances at the right time. The planets were aligned in just the right way and it just happened. I can't place an order for my feelings or for his. And even if I can never have that again, something shifted in me in that moment. It had to be a mammalian thing because what he communicated and what I understood in those 10 second was totally non-verbal but also totally unmistakable. It was a bit of warmth that melted some ice around my heart.

Okay, enough of the sappiness and back to reality. There are tons of things he can't give me that I crave. But it's not only about what he gave me and what I want because I learned something about him. You see, all this time, I've envied him his career and the wonderful private life I think he has. He has a ton of clients and he teaches two classes at the same time and he talks about family and friends. And what I saw in that one moment, when I was given a glimpse of his soul, was someone who cares about each and every one and cares deeply. And that spoke volumes to me. He's willing to commit. He's willing to care. He may not always get everything right but he's willing to admit when he's wrong. He's willing to be vulnerable. He doesn't have what he has because he sat home feeling sorry for himself, like I do. He's willing to do the work. He has what he has because he's taken risks. He puts himself out there. And I have no right to envy him. He works hard for what he has. And how can that not affect me in some fundamental way? Regardless of how many times he holds my hand, I'm the one who has to go out there and do the work. I'm the one who has to go out there and tolerate not being perfect, tolerate not being liked, tolerate making mistakes and tolerate my intense emotions. No amount of hand-holding is going to achieve that for me. It might help me feel good and then I can go out into the world and feel good. But the hand-holding, in and of itself, is not the goal. It's not going to fix my problems. It might help. But it's not going to fix them.

So, I do see the limitations but I also see HUGE benefits. Touch connects us, makes us feel less alone if only for a moment or for a weekend. I was going to end this by telling everyone to go out and touch people today in some way. But it has to be welcomed and wanted for it to be meaningful. It just can't be anyone touching anyone. Why is that? That touch is only significant if it's from someone we are attached to? But it's more than that. Because it has to be the right kind of touch.

I'm not even sure now if it was the touch that was so meaningful to me. I think it had as much to with me being given a glimpse of his soul.

Okay, that's it for now.

Really big hugs (only if it feels right) to everyone out there. Hope you can find some peace somewhere along the way today.

xoxox

Liese

Really was at a loss as far as how to approach the session. Felt I had to acknowledge what happened. At first, I was just going to say, "you held my hand." And I was going to see where it went from there.

And then I thought of cancelling because I wasn't sure I could handle the intimacy. But I knew I had to go.

I thought of saying, and so was it a mistake or will you someday let me cry on you?

I was afraid of hearing yes to the mistake part and/or no to the will you someday let me cry on you? part.

I was feeling ashamed for enjoying that moment as if something illicit had happened or I had caused something illlicit to happen. I had to remind myself that he took my hand. I didn't take his. And it's not like I jumped his bones when he did grab my hand. I think I basically sat there in shock.

In the end, I decided to just be honest with how it felt. There is no shame in that, right? If it was a mistake for him, it would still be okay that I liked it, that I enjoyed it, wouldn't it? That would be okay. And if it wasn't a mistake, then all the more reason to tell him how much it meant to me so that he might do it again.

At the beginning of the session, we didn't even go into our normal chitchat. Well, actually he told me how much he loved the Youtube video. Thanks again STRM. He asked me how I came across it and I wouldn't tell him. But then, I just came right out with it. Told him how much that moment meant to me. That he expressed more in those few moments than he could have with 1000 words. And how good I felt all weekend. And that I was able to retain that feeling all weekend. He said he wanted me to have that feeling. I told him I felt loving towards others and felt loved in return.

He told me that it felt right and it felt comfortable. And it was what he wanted to do. And that he really appreciated me telling him that I knew how hard he was working to help me trust him.

He also said that he's learning how to relate to me. And then I asked, "well, how come I'm the only one who hasn't responded to you?" And he said, "we don't know that. You never know why people have left. Maybe I wasn't getting through to them either and you are the only one who stuck it out and was able to tell me. He shook his head and said something about being stuck in his own head."

I told him he has taught me that it's okay not to be perfect, to make mistakes. That that will help me when I look for a job.

I told him he melted my cold heart.

Oh, if only every minute could be so connected.

xoxo

Liese

Woohoo!!!!!! Sounds like a great session Liese, I am so pleased for you. And now maybe you can really let that magical moment of last session exist as something real and true and genuine. I love your T, he's tops!



LL

Liese,

Wow, what a great session!! Thanks for sharing the update. I'm glad that you are both being so open and that the connection is really being felt on both sides. That is great!

quote:

But I have been astounded by the difference in me this weekend. Because even though he doesn't "love" me, I felt "loved". I felt "cared for". And I felt more "loving" towards others this weekend. And felt more "love" coming back at me. And as far as what you said, that it didn't take away the pain, it just lets you express more. I could see that totally being the case with me as well. But it's so important to be able to access that stuff and to be able to express it. For me, that no-touch thing can be a huge barrier. Touch seems to be the pathway to accessing those feelings. The no-touch thing feels like a huge wedge in the room. And it FEELS artificial. It makes the relationship FEEL artificial.

It gave HIM a realness. He's not some cardboard cutout sitting across from me.

Liese, the way you wrote about this is so touchiing. You are also experience with him a real limbic resonance and connection. He connected with you in a right brain emotional way and that is so much more powerful than words. Of course you feel cared about with this gesture. And it WAS real just as he is. He is demonstrating his care but he also has demonstrated it in other ways, such as giving you a second session, as in reading your articles and more than that... actually showing you what he learned and incorporating it into your therapy with him and by emailing with you. No he is not perfect, just human but I do see his care for you and it's a real care.

I'm glad you see him now as much more than that cut out figure and that you can take in some of the love and care and then share it with others. I hope your session goes well today.

Hugs
TN

Ooops... seems like we cross-posted.

So.. WOW what a great session. You were very courageous in discussing what you did and I think you took the right way to address it. And your T responded very well. And you are correct... feedback (especially when they take it in and use it effectively) is really important for the patient to give the T. They really can't read minds LOL.

Oh and BTW, you do NOT have a cold heart. You have a scared, hurt heart and you have been super-protective of it to keep it safe. You are now trusting your T enough that you allow him to touch it.

Great work!
TN

((((LL))))((((STRM))))(((((TN)))))(((((MONTE)))))

Thanks for being there and cheering me on. It's been a rough year with him and it's nice to finally feel safe. I'm still not sure how he has changed the way he relates to me other than the obvious handholding. And at first, I wasn't really sure I could trust the change in him. But I can now. It feels genuine and true. Monte, thanks for saying I'm brave to have the conversations I have with him. It's hard at times but it is getting easier and easier.

xoxo

Liese

Wow! I felt good reading this, and I'm not sure what to say!

Thank you again