Hi DR... I guess I would ask you... how much have you talked about oldT with you current T so far? I talked about oldT for at least one year straight, twice per week, to process the painful abandonment of oldT. It's really all we talked about, except for valiently trying to establish a new relationship with current T.

We discussed all scenarios of why things ended so badly, what my oldT thought, felt, and how he behaved. He asked me tons of questions about how my therapy was conducted with oldT and he made sure to reassure me that I did nothing wrong, it was not my fault, etc.

Then we had to deal with the horrible negative transference I felt towards current T from things oldT did. My T is amazing and patient and he totally gets how much I need/needed to talk about oldT. We still talk about him 2.5 years later but much less and mostly in relation to the legacy of damage I still have to deal with and overcome.

I need to run now but I'll be back later to talk more.

Hugs
TN

BTW:

My oT and I attend the same church. I have expressed a lot of pain here and there but have rarely talked about what happened with oT to new T. I was seeing new T for DBT at the time of the termination by oT. That helped some.

DR

(((DR)))

Lucky are those who can move on quickly. I am not one of them either. I don't know the history with the termination but being terminated in and of itself wouldn't help with being able to move on. On top of it, if you continue to see OldT, my guess would be that it would continue to pick at the wound.

Seems to me your T should be able to help you with it instead of putting the onus on your. ???

I appreciate your support, Liese and I appreciate your insight TN, and sharing your personal experience of this painful subject with me. I am listening carefully to every word. I don't know all the details but I am glad your new T has helped you work through it. This info. helps me to accept that this process takes time and fortitude. You really stuck with it. My tendency is to ignore the problem and try to work it on my own. I guess I am afraid if I enter into it I will become as dark as I feel.

quote:

Being able to own my grief and the relationship and my feelings, not trying to block it out, was what finally let me be able to let my old T go.

Thanks for your reply, Poppet, and sharing your process of healing. I think it is really special how you were able to ceremonially mark the moment you let go of oT.

So I met with my T today and let her know that I did look up the word ruminating and shared with her what I learned. I also let her know that I felt her intentions were to shut me down on the subject and that I thought the past relationship with oT was significant enough to talk about. To my surprise, she agreed. She went on to explain the reason for having me look up ruminating. She felt I was writing my thoughts and feelings in my journal but was not making progress. It's true, I just rehash the same old feelings over and over again. I told her all I knew to do this week was to make a list of what I learned or how I grew during my time with oT because in the end, what else do I really have? She like that idea and would like me to share what I have written.

I do blame myself for the relationship not working out with oT but a little less than I used to. It is taking a long time for me to recognize or admit that oT really did fail me in many ways and that the fallout between us was not all my fault. In a lot of ways, I think I've been hanging on to her like the child who is unable to let themselves see the bad parts of their parent figure for fear of annihilation or abandonment. My husband suggested on a few occasion that maybe she didn't know what she was doing and I couldn't bear to consider his words. I was raised to look the other way and keep silent about everything I see so, of course, that is what I did. I ignored the elephants in her counseling office week after week. I am such a fool! I kept trying to resolve severe trauma from the past without a secure sense of safety in the present. I had never experienced safety with an authority figure so I thought what I had with oT was as good as it gets. I thought in order to heal, I had to fight through the negative feelings and distrust, as if they were side issues rather than the main issue. Today, my biggest fear is looking back and realizing I wasted five years of my life on a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. When I try processing this stuff I end up on the short end of the stick every time.

deeplyrooted

(((DR))))

quote:

I kept trying to resolve severe trauma from the past without a secure sense of safety in the present. I had never experienced safety with an authority figure so I thought what I had with oT was as good as it gets. I thought in order to heal, I had to fight through the negative feelings and distrust, as if they were side issues rather than the main issue.

I don't know if you know how insightfully beautiful that was. I know it hurts like hell and even if newt thinks you're aren't getting anywhere, you are. Maybe you couldn't let go of OldT until you know newT is solid?

So glad you talked to her and she agreed with you. That was incredibly touching. Thanks for sharing with us.

quote:

It is taking a long time for me to recognize or admit that oT really did fail me in many ways and that the fallout between us was not all my fault. In a lot of ways, I think I've been hanging on to her like the child who is unable to let themselves see the bad parts of their parent figure for fear of annihilation or abandonment. My husband suggested on a few occasion that maybe she didn't know what she was doing and I couldn't bear to consider his words. I was raised to look the other way and keep silent about everything I see so, of course, that is what I did. I ignored the elephants in her counseling office week after week. I am such a fool! I kept trying to resolve severe trauma from the past without a secure sense of safety in the present. I had never experienced safety with an authority figure so I thought what I had with oT was as good as it gets. I thought in order to heal, I had to fight through the negative feelings and distrust, as if they were side issues rather than the main issue. Today, my biggest fear is looking back and realizing I wasted five years of my life on a relationship that was doomed from the beginning.

Hi DR... wow I could have written this exact description. As children we spent our time trying to figure out how to make relationships work with our caregivers/parents who were obviously unable to be proper attachment figures and so we learned how to make so much out of so little. It is what we were used to and all that we knew. I, too, tried to resolve trauma and grief with a T that was inconsistent, unsteady and in way over his head. He was really incompetent to do psychodynamic therapy. As my current T points out... there is a vast difference between a T who "counsels" and one who does "psychotherapy". And in the end I got really hurt and damaged by his incompetence and his fear.

It was really important that current T and I processed what happened with oldT. We talked about him all the time and how his abandonment felt to me, how it impacted work, my son, my family, my self-esteem, my fears in general and how I was not to blame for what happened. How, because of my early history, I was not equipped to recognize the red flags and warning signs. How I was stuck in a repetition compulsion... how I always tried to "fix" others to get them to take care of my needs and to nurture me. The issue was with them. They were unable for whatever reasons to nurture and care for another. It was not that I was too much, it was that oldT was not enough. It took years of the same conversations to finally have me begin to feel a smidge of what my T was telling me. To believe that it was oldt's fault and that he failed me. I did not fail.

So, I do recommend that you talk about your oldT and all the fallout from losing that relationship. If you don't talk about it then it comes out in other ways. As for losing those years.... I really do understand this. I not only felt that I lost years but that I lost myself and who I was becoming while working with oldT. I just begun to enter into a phase of contentment and was feeling some joy in life and feeling more confident with myself. And then it was all ripped away from me. I am still in the process of finding that person again. My T says I will probably never feel that same way again but perhaps I will come out an ever better person, wiser and stronger than I was then.

I did learn though. I learned that I could survive the trauma inflicted upon me, I could again develop a solid trusting relationship with a T and come to love him. I learned what kind of people to avoid and all the signs that are red flags. And I learned why I would be attracted to the same type of person who always ended up hurting me.

My T's strength, patience and knowledge was instrumental in getting me through the awful trauma. But I was also committed to healing and in sticking with him to face the really tough scary stuff. In the end it made a huge difference in my ability to heal and move on and away from oldT. The only positive thing I took away from oldT was the ability to be a better parent to my son who has some special needs. Changing my parenting skills gave me a better and stronger relationship with my son which was a positive but the trauma I went through also took away a year of my life and a year of that special relationship with my child.

DR, hang in there. There is light on the other side. It's just a grueling journey to get there but it can be done.

Hugs
TN

Liese, I appreciate your support and compliment. I think it would show a lot of strength for current T to be able to handle feelings about oT. Seeing oT doesn't stir up emotions. It's strange to me. I see her but feel nothing. My emotions only stir when I try expressing my feelings about what happened or how I felt when she terminated me to someone else.

quote:

It was not that I was too much, it was that oldT was not enough. It took years of the same conversations to finally have me begin to feel a smidge of what my T was telling me. To believe that it was oldt's fault and that he failed me.

TN, You hit the nail on the head with who was at fault in your situation. You were working hard to get through your stuff and your T couldn't handle it. It wasn't about you being too much. I needed to hear that perspective because I am always afraid I will be too much. Ironically, that fear showed up in the form of a flashback last week while telling my P.C. how I was afraid I would overwhelm her if I had a flashback in front of her. At that very moment, I felt a tsunami of emotions flood through me and it took all the effort I had in me to suppress them. Obviously, I have CPTSD and need to know that I am safe with her. She remained calm and accepting but that was it. She didn't ask me about the fear.

When I read of how your T asked you so many questions about the relationship you had with oT, I first felt angry when I wondered if he was intruding on your story for his own benefit but as you explained the insight you gained through that I could understand its importance. I am just too compliant and want my T to agree with me or like me too much because if I don't think she is interested or doesn't think it is important for me to talk about my oT then I don't. Yet, for me, connecting to the pain of my relationship with oT is a very clear pathway to the repressed pain felt in my childhood caused by abusive, manipulative, neglectful and untrustworthy authority figures and primary caretakers. I've mentioned here before that I have dissociative amnesia of my entire childhood. If anything can come from my relationship with oT it would be to connect the pain I felt in relation to her with the repressed painful memories of the past. It makes sense to me in my head but I don't know if I am doing a very good job and explaining this to my current T. I can't do it without her help.

quote:

I did learn though. I learned that I could survive the trauma inflicted upon me, I could again develop a solid trusting relationship with a T and come to love him. I learned what kind of people to avoid and all the signs that are red flags. And I learned why I would be attracted to the same type of person who always ended up hurting me.

I am so glad your T has helped you regain the ability to trust a T and to point of being able to say you love him; that is huge progress! It sounds like you gained a lot of self awareness from what you went through. I want self-awareness too. I want to understand the chronic blindness to betrayal. I thought oT would help me identify my dysfunctional and repetitive patterns; surely she saw enough of it to write a book! Now, I am afraid those connections will be lost forever.

deeplyrooted