Hi!
I was just reading this & relating to it a LOT. You've been seeing this person for 2.5 yrs why would they invest so much time to you if you weren't worth it? I see your T as being very intuned to your needs knowing you need more than is available. Now you'll have 2 people working together to help you. That's a real positive

(((ANON)))

I am finding that it just takes time. The bad stuff is bound to get triggered now and again but it seems to be a positive thing that, even though it's happening to you right now, you're stepping back and realizing on another level that your T has been very consistent and caring with you.

Take good care of yourself.

Scared to death! T asked if I could meet with this person and him tomorrow evening, with H out of town, when Boo already has a sitter for sessions tonight and Wed night and for band on Thu night, before we pick up H at the airport.

Felt bad about saying no. I said, "Let's talk about it tonight." Felt like I had to try to find a sitter and say yes. But then kept thinking of Boo at school this morning, bawling and clinging to me. Normally, she protests my leaving (since we moved to our new place, at least)...but this was way worse. When H is out of town, she gets more separation anxiety with me. I am already leaving her too much (granted, with people she is super excited to be watched by) and after talking to her to gauge where she was at, I felt like I just couldn't do it. I texted him back again, on second thought, the only way I could was to bring her and I wasn't sure that would work out. Leaving her four out of the five nights H is gone on his trip wouldn't be fair to her.

I took a nap and had a nightmare that felt like T was pushing me away. And he seems to really be pushing into working with this other T more quickly. He's NEVER this on top of things. It really feels like he's doing it for him and not me. I know that's probably not the case. It doesn't help things that it's a woman. I'm afraid I won't even be able to do anything with her, or will be fake, functional, me, because I can't deal with women in authority well at all. If it were a man, I'd probably be terrified in a different way.

Ugh, the idea of sitting in a room with two Ts at the same time to get to know her makes me ill. T won't sit "with" me like we usually do in that circumstances, and I will feel surrounded!!! And I also wonder if he's told her what she's in for with me.

I hate me.

So, I'm stupid.

It's not even a T.

Just some nice lady, T is taking an hour out of his time to introduce me to, because he thinks she could be a kind, supportive person to me, that I could, in my own time, establish a relationship with. She has a trauma background herself and a lot of experience working with women who have trauma, and medical issues. She's apparently really great with kids, volunteers a lot. She is on disability (not sure for what), but uses her time to volunteer helping others.

I told T I felt obligated to him to try this. He said he had absolutely no investment in it other than wanting me to have the support I need and he thought she would be a sensitive, understanding person to provide it. I told him I felt pressured to perform, because both of them are trying to provide something that's supposed to help me, so I have to "be helped," because of their efforts. T made me feel at ease about that too.

It's kind of hard that this is just a person who, when T was checking into support people for me, just really wanted to do it out of the goodness of her heart. I thought it was a T, because her first name is the same as one of the adjuncts we had considered before, and as scary as that was, it felt good that I could compensate them for having to be around me. That adds the trigger of receiving to the trigger of older woman and being vulnerable. T asked me if I thought I could only relate to a T, and no one else was capable of having a relationship with me. Then, I explained how it was more, I felt more comfortable if someone was paid to suffer me...

I worried, since T said she's been "through hell," that I'll be scared to even talk about my stuff, like I'll just want to invalidate that my own pain has any meaning and not want to talk to her. I know that's kind of stupid, but I have such a hard time acknowledging my stuff as it is. I said I wasn't assuming T hadn't been through his own stuff, but knowing ahead of time someone had a really hard background made me scared to talk. T looked puzzled and asked me, "Wait, you don't think YOU'VE been through hell?" And answered no, because I don't believe all that stuff about half of the time or more.

T said both of them only are interested in providing it if it helps me and I want it, so I'm going to meet with them both tomorrow and see. She doesn't know anything about me really, except that I have DID.

I'm bringing Boo with me and the four of us are going to hang out in T's office and just get to know each other a little, I guess. T said I was really brave or something, a trooper? I'm doing something really scary, but if I don't at least try, I'll never know if I missed a great opportunity. 5:00pm tomorrow. Keep me in your thoughts!

Wow, Non...I can totally understand your reaction to that. I'm surprised, too, but I really hope that you can feel comfortable with her and that she can become someone supportive for you. And your T is right. You have been through hell. But even if you hadn't, you'd still absolutely deserve to have all the support you need to help you. But don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready to do. And just remember that T has no other incentive for this than to find something that can help you, so if you feel she won't be someone who is helpful to you, then your T will completely understand.

Good luck, Non..let us know how it goes.

((( Anon ))) i don't know what to say. i didn't go through nearly the stuff you are, but i most definitely do relate to the being terrified of rejection by T. that was such a HUGE part of my anxiety in going to sessions. i sure liked T enough, but could never grapple with the anxiety, and i hated it because not only did he not deserve it, not only did i KNOW he didn't deserve it, but i couldn't help it for nothing. i hope these sessions with the new lady work out for you. i understand it's scary, but it seems like your T wouldn't do this if he didn't think it would ultimately be good for you. i'll be thinking about you. please keep us posted.