I'm not sure, L2F...it might just be the way she is, the way she works...but you should definitely discuss it with her. You could just tell her that you find it unnerving or that you can't believe it's genuine...and a good discussion could ensue about why you have those feelings... I really think that you should broach it with her. Just say what you feel...if she gets defensive than that's a red flag, but it is possible that it is just her way, or that she wants you to beleive in her care and support for you. The waterworks would kinda freak me out too, but, it's also really nice that she responds to you.

As for the phone...it is so hard to judge what a person is feeling saying over the phone. You seem to be pretty tuned in to body language, so maybe you are more visual than hearing sensitive, and maybe the phone isn't a great medium for connection for you. It's great to have it as a lifeline, but sometimes I suspect that T's are less present on the phone for the quick calls because they are in the middle of things? I don't know, having never phoned my T, past or present, but...I hate to sound like a broken record, but I'd say everything to her that you said here, in the same way that you said it. If she's a good T, she should be able to help you with your feelings about it.

Good luck..

hugs,

BB

thank you bb for the support and good advice. It was very helpful. I will try to talk to her about it. I do think she is someone who tears up easily. So I do keep that in mind.

Hugs to you too.

I have no advice, but it would really freak me out if mine cried.

The thought that occurred to me, and I don't know if this is correct or not, is maybe she has two different goals in the two different situation. In therapy, where it is safe to let your guard down, maybe she is trying to help it feel like an environment where your emotions come out. I don't know if you struggle with crying, letting stuff out like I do, but if my T started crying, I might feel more able to as well? I don't know. And, maybe when you called, she was trying to be calm, "together" in order to help you ground? I don't know. That is just a guess. If something bothers you, you should definitely share. Usually if something bothers me enough to consider confronting T about it, there is good material there.

Edit: I usually hate "Look at me" from anyone in authority, by the way (personal history with it). My T has only said it to me once, when we were in the middle of a very big rupture and he was trying to apologize for all the feelings that got stirred up by what he did, to take some responsibility, to make sure I knew that he cared. At that time...it was very moving to have him want my focus in that way. Despite the pain of that rupture, it was one of the most connected moments we've had. It was like I was running away from him and he snagged my hand and made me stay and see his care.

Thank you Yaku. I know I don't like it when she says look at me. lol. I am sure if I bring this up it will help sort it out.

Hi DP

Yeah you hit the nail on the head. I know last time I almost started crying too along with her but I shoved it down. I didn't want the connection. Or maybe I was afraid of it. I am afraid to feel the intense grief I know I have inside of me. I am afraid to let her matter because I know she will not always be in my life. Some day our relationship will end like it did with my old T.

Hi L2F... it's interesting how we all see things differently which I guess complicates things for the T.

I so WISH I could see some little bit of emotion from my T. I never see anything but his very normal look. He never seems to react to anything I tell him when I'm being emotional or struggling. He just sits and listens and, although I may be wrong, this makes me feel like what I'm telling him is just no big deal and that I'm making too much out of nothing. It makes me feel less connected to him because the vibe I get back is that he does not really "get" this stuff that I'm trying so hard to relate to him and that I must be doing a really awful job of communicating if he feels nothing.

On the other hand, my oldT would be visibly moved by what we were discussing and that gave me a sense that he understood me on a very deep level. Of course we know how that ended. He understood nothing of me and easily abandoned me.

Aside from this... I would still prefer to see some emotion. I'm not asking for him to sit and sob and fall to pieces with me because that would be scary but it would be nice to see/feel some empathy.

As for your situation... I would say you really do need to discuss how you feel because it could open up some great conversations with your T leading to new discoveries about yourself.

BTW... my T knows how I feel about his lack of empathy. He teases me about it frequently.

TN