Hey HIC,

Just as your child develops from a baby to a toddler to a preschooler etc - you do too as a mother. You grow, learn, evolve and adapt right alongside your children. You learn from other children, from other parents from society what is OK and what needs to be done in that next stage.

It is important to be able to say "this is my stuff" and "that is my child's stuff" when it comes to some issues and to have that buffer - but you learn that too.

It is important that you can take a step back and to look at a situation from the outside in - then that gives you perspective and some space to allow you to process and to assess. I think if you can do that - that is really healthy for you to learn as a parent for all the stages ahead of you.

Somedays

(((HIC))))

Running out now so I'm replying quickly but I've found that parenting has brought all my hurts right back up to the surface. It's very very hard but on the other hand, it's given me the opportunity to resolve things I didn't resolve teh first time around.

Your daughter's reaction was SO cute.

(((HiC)))
Forgive me for speaking as another who doesn't have kids but who, like Catalyst would love to before 'age' catches up with me; I just wanted to say that was SO sweet!!

What occured to me was how incredibly well you've allowed your daughters sense of empathy to develop. Obviously she's still too young to realise that her toy cat doesn't have feelings, but to put those feelings above her own like that is wonderful. Just be the proud mum of a lovely little girl and enjoy every moment like that one.

HIC, poppet is right, it sounds like you are an out standing mom already, judging by your daughter show of compassion for her stuffed kitty. As a side note, I remember my stuffed animals.....I LOVED THEM.

Anyway, I think SD is onto something too. You will be able withstand more as she gets older, but right now she is still so preciously small, how could you not be moved by that. My motto for about the last year or so is, the only things make absolutely any sense in this world are little children and pets. That's it, everything else is too crazy.

Wow, you guys, I was a little overwhelmed at all the parenting compliments. Not quite sure what to say. I hope the kid is doing well. I don't really think I can take any credit for her empathy with kitty cat. Babies and small children are pretty empathic by nature, ime.

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You will be able withstand more as she gets older, but right now she is still so preciously small, how could you not be moved by that.

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Children are gifts... it's okay to be moved a million times by the the littlest of miracles and soulful moments they will offer you.

Thanks you two for the normalization. It makes sense put that way. I think I may have an unfortunate tendency to pathologize any strong emotion I feel. Maybe I need to get used to being emotionally alive.

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Just as your child develops from a baby to a toddler to a preschooler etc - you do too as a mother. You grow, learn, evolve and adapt right alongside your children.

Here's hoping, anyway! Thanks for the encouragement and perspective.

I know I am not responding to everyone specifically, but that's simply to avoid being redundant. I appreciated all the thoughts and comments and was especially touched that so many of you said you were moved by the story as well. You are good people.

(((IrishX)))

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think being in therapy could make anyone a better parent. I wish I had known about therapy back then. I am so happy for you and any other parents out there getting in therapy at a young age.

Oh, amen to that! If I could do things over again I would ideally have done a year or two of therapy before having kids, but then, their existence has probably brought some of my own attachment issues closer to the surface so maybe it wouldn't have been the same. Who knows? Be that as it may, I started with T when my daughter was seven months old and then my son was born about a year later-- and it's hard to describe in a brief post, but things went so much more smoothly with him. He's pretty much a text book happy and securely attached baby (despite me being still somewhat symptomatic). I attribute that largely to the support and modeling I've received from T. My daughter had more of the insecure-avoidant style , but I think that's starting to come around.

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Don't make your child's pain your pain. Sort of like how SomeDays put it. There needs to be a space there, much like therapy, where she can deal with her experiences (with your support, modeling, and guidance). Not doing so takes away from her autonomy (which is just one element of narcissistic mothers). Making your child's pain your pain hurts like hell, but also does no good for the child. She perhaps doesn't need someone to feel her pain in this-

Hmm, I have not thought of things in quite that way before. Have been mulling over what you wrote last night and this morning. It makes sense, only I don't want her to perceive me as indifferent and detached either. I'm pretty good at emotionally disconnecting (or at least I used to be, lately I seem to be melting lol) and I suppose I've been more focused on not being like that with my kids than on the whole maintaining a distinction thing. On the other hand, I can see that weeping over kitty cat would not have done my daughter any good.

Now I'm thinking of my own mother. . . she would tend to be either dismissive or would overreact to things in a way that I felt the need to reassure and stabilize her in situations where I was hurt or whatever. I always felt the need to protect her.

I guess with my kids, I want them to know I care but that I can also take things (well and I also want that to be true, lol). Any tips on striking that balance? It seems important but also tricky. Maybe I should just stop and ask myself what I would want from T in a similar situation.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights! It's good to hear from people that have been through it and are also aware of all the attachment stuff.