TRIGGER: FEELING REALLY LOW, and don't want to spread my stuff....but need to get it out there!

where does self love begin?

wow, i see this is the core of what i HAVE to build in my kids.

i really don't care about myself, i just want my kids to be happier than i am.

i feel like i have 'faked' my way through life, and that is just how i'll have to live the rest of it out. that only behavioralistic approaches can shape me. that there IS no seed. there IS no core. and, at my age, there is no hope.

MORE TRIGGERS. ONLY READ IF YOU ARE REALLY STABLE RIGHT NOW.


i think this is the unanswerable question in therapy. the one that stumps them all. worse than massive erotic transference/ct, worse than any and all stumps they ever get. the one they don't even discuss on boards, because, they know, like terminal cancer, there IS NO HOPE for a cure.

what is this toxin?

no SEED of self worth.

they (t's) know that THEY can't give it to us, and they know that looking at our track record of accomplishments is an EXTERNAL validation that flies in the FACE of what self worth IS...that it is something from WITHIN that is there regardless of past accomplishments. it is an unshakable core seed. something that originates (or doesn't) from the onset of self awareness. and that all they can do is fan the flame, but, without a flame, what do you have???

NOTHING.

and, they don't like to be cornered here, coz they know there is no way out.

maybe this is toxic shame?

that is my next hope, to explore this issue. maybe, under the toxic shame for being who i was, so unlovable, that there is something.

i think this is all i have left.

and really, i am low, but, this is not something i have not been aware of on some levels of consciousness. maybe not in words, but, nothing new. just many years of behaviouralistic disguises. but there. always.

sorry folks, just got to process this stuff, and this is my chosen format. kick me out if you need to, i hope my trigger posts keep anyone vulnerable from getting too deep here.

jill

DF, thanks. you always know what to say to help. and, by the way, your head is that shiny pretty thing on top with that glowing halo about it. ok?

yes, i do know, and i have told her, that those little baby steps she tells me to do. ie, take a moment OUT of a situation to ground myself, i dunno, i feel are so babyish and not 'big girl' (yes, i am a grown woman talking like this) but, i guess, i just, like you say, have to trust her that that is the way.

the fake it til you make it idea is what i have done all my life, so, that just seems like more of the same, but, i have not been in therapy all of my life, so maybe, this time, it will be different.

thanks for wading through my depressing monolouge, DF.

xxoo, jill

jill...I don't know. I relate very strongly to what you have written here. I think my t says it has something to do with our very early years, and that we form our basic view of ourslef in those first few years from how our parents or caregivers treat affirm us or whatever. This is heartbreaking stuff. I'm not sure if it can be fixed while we are here, or not. Because, doesn't it feel like no matter how good you might be able to *act* all of the imperfection just sits there and stops you from being able to care for yourslef...or something like that. Sometimes, to me it feels like I am just sitting here, waiting, waiting, for someone to come along and love me- to plant that seed, and then keep loving me, and watching and helping me grow... I can get some of that here and there, in T or whatever......but never *what I need* which is basically, I think, a problem of time. Who will give me that much or their time? It would take a *lot* of time. What I need seems to be a pretty floaty concept, most of the time. But, I've had that...I had at least one very loving and affirming individual step in and give me that "seed" when I was in my early 20's...that went a long way towards healing some of the crap...and this person really gave a part of himself up to help me..but, I lost this individual permanently, and I realize I keep waiting for that, and feeling guilty for looking for it, waiting for it- whatever it is that I'm doing. My T has suggested that now I've figured out what I need...love, acceptance, affirmation, guidance and all of that stuff that my parents never could/would give me. He says the only thing you can do is keep asking for it, but that I can't force anybody to love me...of course I know it's true...it's the asking for it that I find nearly impossible in the first place...to just go off looking for love..for myself..what do you think of this concept of asking someone who "has what you need" to give it to you? What about our spouses, with all their brokeness? Or, is it that we just have to learn how to suffer in this emptiness without it crushing us anymore? It's confusing and heartbreaking stuff, that is for sure. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in so much pain. (((((jill)))))

I'd like to second everything that DF said, as well.

Well, but you are not alone, at least- even though it feels like it- we hear you and understand what you are talking about! You say, that God does love you and He can plant that seed of self-worth that was never given to us when we were small... I think of the words of psalm 50 when you say this: "A broken and humble heart, He will not spurn." You have a very broken and humble heart, and I beleive it is being very tenderly watched and carefully tended, though you cannot see or feel it. Maybe He is the one we have to ask... and keep asking- for the experience of it, of that love nad forgiveness and total acceptance and affirmation that is a constant and a given? After all, His heart broke for us, too, and I beleive there is something very mysterious and worthwhile in the middle of the suffering. many comforting hugs, jill.

Love,

BB

BB, a very comforting post. thanks. y'no, after this post of mine i FORCED MYSELF to go to my bible study, in the rain. i did NOT want to go, but.

things change there.

i am a people please to the core, and now that the core focus of my pleasing (my parents) has been shown to be a FRAUD!! and a LIE!!! i am directionless. and the direction can't be ME. i don't care enough about ME for that to get me where i need/want to go! so, the chicken and the egg effect.

but.

i tell you, pleasing God, being who HE wants me to be, knowing HIS unfailing love, HIS comfort. y'no? it is the ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE IN THIS FEEBLE MIND OF MINE!

i have to run, and will post more on what i learned, but the pleasing others and having worldly goals (of worldly 'popularity' and other goals) ARE ALL EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it has taken me so long to know this, but the God-shaped HOLE in my SOUL can only be filled with both eyes on God.

man, it seems so simple in there, and so hard out here. but, i keep on going. and looking to the Lord for answers (still can't settle how therapy works with God....working on that concept) but this core of self esteem cannot, for me anyway, come from within.

more later, off, to....therapy.

jill

quote:

have to run, and will post more on what i learned, but the pleasing others and having worldly goals (of worldly 'popularity' and other goals) ARE ALL EMPTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, trying to get the affirmation through popularity and pleasing is empty, isn't it? And, the realization of that can hurt tremendously! jill, I spent many years purusing something that would gain me the accolades of others...almost, an obsession. this all came to a head in T...now I realize that *what I do* as you so profoundly have grasped, is not the sum total of who I am...but I need someone else to recognize that. Yes a human person, while I am on this earth, because of the pain- yet...it's mostly the God-shaped hole, isn't it?

Well, jill, therapy...what is therapy, but the search for God? I really believe this, firmly. In therapy we search for God, and feel the pain of longing for Him deeply- at our core. And- "those who seek will find!" Right? My T has said, in a lecture he made, that if we long for God we would be seeking him "madly" in every moment! I think about what some people on here talk about, feeling "obsessed" with therapy, and so on...what is this, but seeking madly for God? This is a good thing, though, it may not seem it to the world at large. Well, I am blessed because I have a therapist that deeply understands this... has taught it to me, in fact...and I pray from my heart, that you will find the same. But I also think that the dbt gal you are with is teaching you alot of valuable tools in this direction, and I really respect you for what you are doing, well- seeking healing in spite of the *pain* of the child not being seen. Love to you, jill.

BB

Hi, BG...I have a past kind of like yours. Although my parents never would have cared enough about any of their beliefs to not let us celebrate Halloween, I relate to the sense of feeling inferior to the others, because of the weird beliefs of my parents. My mom's particular favorite was that I would go to hell for not wearing a head covering in church. (That is not to say that I don't *neccessarily* believe that it's *not* respectful or helpful, or whatever, to cover one's head in church)but you know what I mean. And when you have teachers constantly plucking your head-covering off because you are a "weirdo" well, this can become problematic.... so I guess I just want to say, that even though people screwed with us really randomly, we are still loved... deeply, truly... by the Presence. And- eat Twix.

BB

quote:

And I hope nobody is offended by the "religious freak" label I gave my folks. Truly. They were fringe -- cultish -- can't-go-to-the-doctor-just-have-more-faith types.

Ugh...Amen...and I'm sorry.

BB

Er, I mean, I didn't mean...that the way it sounded...just meant, well, mine were too...sorry BG.

BB

wow-ok, the more I read of your journeys with this, the more I'm thinking maybe I should go out and buy that workbook you reccommended. I think I like the idea of learning some "skills" that I can use when I can feel things are spinning out of control. Do you think it would work you guys,for a stay at home mom? Is there stuff for social situations that get really hurtful for no apparent reason? Connecting with my kids? I'm going to have to check it out. I absolutely am sick of feeling like crap all the time, and having no idea what to do about it besides constantly email my T and want him to love me out of it. There *has* to be another way out. I think I'll give it a shot. DBT skills workbook? Here I come. jill thank you for sharing your amazing journey and your courage in pursuing your healing is shining through all of this, I especially admire that event hough you hate therapy you still keep doing it.

BB

Self-Esteem. Do people really have that? Seriously, I think that we all go through moments when we feel better about ourselves, and the world in general, and times when it's dark.

I'm so glad you took the time to write here and share with us. I hope you are feeling better today.

Something I did - that I've NEVER done - and it was AMAZING ... I volunteered at the Salvation Army and served the homeless for Thanksgiving. I've never been a "get out in public and mingle" sort of person - not a group joiner - none of that. But, this day was so deeply felt in my heart. That "I" could make someone's day brighter just by feeding them .... makes me want to cry now. I totally plan on participating again this year. It was a MIRACULOUS moment.

And, odd to mention this, but, I went to high school with one of the guys I served dinner to! WOW. But it wasn't a sad moment. He has such pride, still. We chatted and it was amazingly warming to my soul. I totally recommend reaching out to feel better. :-)

xoxo