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9 replies

How Do You End Your Session?

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi all... as a follow-up to my dissociation thread I have discussed this issue with my T and I have sort of narrowed down that I dissociate quite frequently at the end of the session and have a really hard time remembering anything that was said in the last 10 minutes or so. Then when I leave I am not in a good place to go back to work and continue through the day and more often than not my T gets an emergency email that evening from me.

He has asked me what it feels like and if I am aware that it is happening. I told him that I think the act of leaving him feels dangerous and scary and then I have a hard time staying present. It the separation from him and feeling like once I'm gone I have disappeared and don't exist for him any longer. He has told me that this is not true and that he thinks of me out of session and intellectually I know this is true. So he has asked me what we can do to make it easier for me to leave him and to keep me present for the end of the session.

I thought about this as we do sort of have a routine already but evidently I need more. I have noticed that lately I avoid looking at him when I am leaving. I'm not sure why I'm not making eye contact at this time when I usually have good eye contact during sessions. I think maybe I'm afraid I will see relief in his eyes that I'm leaving or rejection or pity or some other equally horrible emotion and so I don't look. But I think the not looking is hurting my chances of keeping the connection to him for the week. I think I need to talk to him about making eye contact and also hearing that I can call or email if I need him. I was thinking that maybe he could check in with me before we get up and ask if I'm feeling present or if I have any last things to address. These are just some ideas floating around in my mind that could help. It's just that the moment of separation from him is so damn hard.

I was wondering if anyone has a routine or ritual that helps them to stay present and connected to their T. I know most of us struggle with the same issues and maybe talking about it will help us find some way to ease the transition back to the "real world" after our session so we are not spinning before we are even out of the building!

I'd love to hear any thoughts on this.

TN
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lamplighterlamplighterMember
Hi True North

It’s good that you’ve narrowed down the time you tend to dissociate in therapy - and it makes a lot of sense that it would be at the point of leaving. I suppose finding some way of grounding in those last few minutes would be the thing to look at (and itself sounds like an important issue to deal with in therapy.) I’m thinking that if you now know the trigger for the dissociation, it might be easier for you to come up with a way to deal with it. It makes sense for him to consciously check in with you where you’re at in those last few minutes. Also some kind of regular fixed after session contact might be useful at this point - so that when it comes time to leave you know you have extra contact soon afterwards to keep you connected. Maybe a regular email or text or call from your T just touching base so to speak?

I wish I could come up with a better suggestion for you - I have a sort of ritual but it’s more to do with finishing the session properly so I don’t trail out the door feeling like the session isn’t truly over. To be honest I don’t even think about my T once I’m out the door - I get the sense that if I never saw him again it wouldn’t really bother me (it would bother me not having a therapist, but it’s not him personally I would miss) so I guess I don’t feel connected even IN therapy lol.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi FOT,
I just finished reading "Good Enough Endings" (for the first time, I'll definitely be dipping in and out of it for a while. Smiler) and I found it to be a really good, albeit intense read. It has really helped me to identify and begin to sort through so many of the feelings I'm dealing with in contemplating leaving. It's helped me make a lot more sense of how I'm feeling.

Did you find it difficult to hear about it from the Ps/Ts point of view? Most of the authors discuss their deep and sometimes difficult feelings surrounding termination. I found that sometimes difficult to read because I keep wondering if my T will feel that way about me leaving. I could ask but I know him well enough to know that I probably won't get a straight answer because it's about HIS feelings and he's very careful to keep those out of the room. The one time I managed to ask if he would miss me when I went, we ended up in (admittedly very productive) discussion of the fact that our relationship is much more central for me than for him. That while our relationship is deep and real, it's not nearly as important for him. (This sounds kind of cold when stated straight out like that but trust me, it was anything but when we talked about it.) There are times I just want to hand him the book, ask him to read it and then ask, so do you feel that way? And I know you'll get this: I keep thinking if all of these doctors feel this way it's a pretty safe bet to assume my T does. But as soon as I think that, it feels like I am being very presumptious and believing that just because I want to. Sorry to hijack the thread, I just don't know anyone else who has read the book and I'm excited to be able to talk about it. Smiler

AG
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
she always gives me hug.Which grounds me anyway. However if I look at her after I hug her is when I have massive problems. It would be better for me to ditch the hug, but i'd rather stick pins in my eyes!!


Dragonfly, that really resonated with me because I feel the same way. I do usually get either a hug or warm handshake at the end of a session and I do find that very grounding but, like you, I have trouble looking at my T after a hug because I'm afraid I'll see something there that will scare me. Yet, I'd rather lose an arm than that session end hug so what I need to do is tell him that I need the eye contact and slowly try it with him if I'm brave enough.

I had to chuckle at your T checking that you have all the "kids" before you leave. She sounds lovely and caring. It's a good use of humor to keep you relaxed when you leave so you stay present. My T uses humor too and I love that about him...well most times! Big Grin

I journal too ... or try to .... I go back to work after session and by the time I get home I lose some of what happened. It's so hard to remember and hold onto the feelings. Thank you for sharing your story and being put anywhere near the guru category of AG is quite an honor.

FOT... I have considered reading that book but am afraid it would be too triggering now although I am keeping it in mind. Thanks.

TN
starfishstarfishMember
I keep a jounal too - write in it after each session, thoughts and feelings of how it was and the progress I might have made as well as the difficulties and angst (lots of that). I have loads of them now, a sort of therapy diary, that makes fascinating ereadingas well as givng me a boost if I ever think I, m not getting anywher to see perhaps I am.

I also have a notebook that I write down as much detail of what we covered and what I need to do for next time, then mull it all over and rewrite and rethink it all to get things clear in my mind. I go back to this many times as my thoughts progress as they invariably do over the week or two. I'd be really lost without writing anything

starfish
mayomayoMember
quote:
You may find it helpful to read...it's not just about preparing to say good-bye, It has some very interesting essays on the deep feelings that develop within therapy.

FOT

Thanks for that. I will put it on my summer reading list.

Thanks TN, for an interesting topic. I am wondering if I disaccociate with me T. Maybe this is all the little girl stuff I am trying to get a handle on. When I am in that space, I can't talk to my T as an adult. Is that dissociation?
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Mayo, I'm not sure how it is for you. It could be. I just know that when I dissociate it feels like I'm not there and my mind won't stay in the moment and it's hard to focus on what anyone is saying and in replying with anything that makes sense or that I can even remember. The surroundings sort of start to fade out on my and I feel like my ears won't work but instead I think it's my brain that shuts down so that nothing gets procesed. It usually happens when things feel scary or dangerous and although I'm somewhat aware when it happens I cannot stop it.

As far as the little girl/inner child stuff... I just can't even go there yet with my T. The only thing I have said about it so far is that I hate that stupid little girl who just allowed all those terrible things to go on in her life. I guess I have no sympathy or tolerance for her just like I don't have any for grown up me either. I'm working on it though.

TN
mayomayoMember
I can relate to that. I used to call her the stupid little mute, because she wouldn't talk.

She holds the secrets, the memories, but she won't say what happened. My T says she was too young to process, and that she is not stupid, just four. I have been working very had on forgiving her for allowing things, for not knowing any better.

Ok, I know that feeling of disociation. I get noise in my ears, and I feel like talking is muffled and that there is a distance from the world, a detached feeling. I feel like I can break through it if I concentrate on my T when he talks, but it does not really help. Also sometimes I shake like I am cold.

thanks for the info.
amazonamazonMember
It's interesting. It happened to me twice that I got this noise in my ears for a very short while during the session. I don't know if this was anything that matters.
I don't really know what disociation is, I don't think it ever happened to me.
I am shaking sometimes when the feeling gets very strong, when I'm trying to say something and it's very, very hard to say.

I think when it ever comes to the end, which I don't want and I don't expect to happen too soon, I would not want to call it final good-bye. That would be heartbreaking. I'd rather know that I can come back every now and again and it's going to stay like that forever.

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