i don't know how you do that, TAS. i have wondered the very same thing. my T said pretty much the same thing your T did: that i didn't want to lower my defenses, create a relationship that was helpful and that i could rely on. it bothers me that he never talked about my defenses before that. and the word "want" bothers me, too. it certainly wasn't a conscious "want". i just am who i am.

i would think part of a Ts job would be to 1. let you know that it is expected that you will lower your defenses in therapy and 2. help you identify your defenses so you can actually work on lowering them so that you can get to and deal with the deeper issues.

maybe ask him flat out: what roadblocks do you see? i'd gladly (maybe not so easily) remove them if you'd be so kind as to give me a clue as to what they are. thanks for doing your job!

seriously, though, i'll be interested to see what others say on this. good question, TAS.

When my T and I encounter a roadblock, or a defense she will ask me "What is xyz getting you?"

So, pushing her away for example (which I felt last week and told her, I feel like I want to push you away) and she asked, what would you gain out of that? And I said... safety. So she'd challenge that sort of thing with 'why is this not safe, what are you worried about?'.

That is how we explore things. People seek positive experiences, you wouldn't do something if it got you nothing. For example, my self injury gets me a sense of calm and satisfies my need to punish myself so that I don't punish or get angry at others. I get something, and sheesh how am I supposed to get calm when my meds won't work? It's hard in the moment of extreme panic to try something new... and over time, talking about it, experimenting and experiencing different things to manage my anxiety I self harm a lot less because I can identify in advance (sometimes) something is coming.

I'm not sure if I'm being useful at all, it has taken a very long time for my T and I to get to where we are. I do ask her like CD suggested, and right now I'm at a point where I'm moving towards vulnerability so I'm more conscious of when I'm doing something counter productive so I can bring that to the table. It doesn't mean they'll change... just that I understand them and maybe they can change... maybe I can't find a suitable replacement, who knows.

Tas

Makes very good sense and I think part of the T's job is identifying what those defenses are, what they're trying to achieve and why they're ultimately unhelpful.

I have finally started to be able to observe this dynamic in myself. I have a horribly harsh inner critic (punitive parent) who basically wants me to disconnect, self destruct and die. So when those elements are alive without accompanying grief, I know I'm blocking something. Because at a time earlier in life it wasn't safe to be close with my parents, and it wasn't safe to blame them for that. But now I'm an adult with much more control over my life I can choose who I do and don't get close to.

I have found these defenses tend to keep seemingly unbearable, agonising grief out of awareness. But it's through facing the grief that the defenses come down, healing begins and one is able to gain a better ability to observe how different parts of their personality interact with each other and why.

Hope this helps xxx