I almost asked this question earlier today. No matter how bad things get, I feel dramatic or needy for reaching out (usually texting in my case). T said at the very least it was essential for me to notify him when I was crossing over from indulging/fantasizing about doing things as an escape to actually considering them. But there are days I go back and forth between those two and I still feel not right calling it a crisis. I feel like even if *I* think I am "considering," he will think I am just trying to get attention? I don't know. I'd be interested to hear other opinions.

I have had trouble with this also.

My T once told me that it is best to ask for help before you get into a crisis. It is best to divert a crisis then to pick up the pieces after one.

Yet, how do you figure out when you're in "crisis"? For me, I think when you feel overwhelmed with what you're going through and you feel you can't make it to your normal scheduled session.

quote:

A crisis is well to me it is if emotionally I can't calm and don't know what to do. So to keep myself safe that is when I'd call crisis or my T or something because when I'm freaking out I can't remember anything. I also call crisis if I feel like self-harm (that's just another way of being emotional and not knowing what I can do about it).

I know it's horrible...but that description just made me feel so relieved about texting T so much. I have been in and out of that sort of space a lot lately. I used to be able to manage these sort of feelings, like purposefully dissociate them, etc., but since this transference stuff came up, everything has heightened beyond my ability to regulate. Perhaps I should have been calling him about some of the more serious stuff too. It still seems like an overreaction. DF, if you don't mind my asking, do you try to wait it out and see if it gets better or worse or do you call right away? I usually try to wait it out alone and I know some of my acting out comes because I am too stubborn to ask for help until I've already crossed a line.

I would struggle to call crisis unless I had already done something which required me to go to the hospital...I don't know why. WARNING if SI will TRIGGER you...

I never took any actions until after therapy and the stuff I have been struggling with is "testing" my death thoughts, losing my temper, punishing myself, relieving anxiety and overwhelming shame, mostly just hitting (occasionally biting, burning, scratching)...I feel ridiculous even admitting it here. I know there's no judgment, but I don't understand how at 30, I can suddenly be unable to control these impulses I used to deal with in other ways. I suppose part of it is having a toddler and no time to myself to sink my head into a book or write a poem or play guitar or play basketball or take a long bath whenever I feel like it...eventually I just feel so crawly underneath my skin and it jumps of me and has to be released. I have no idea if that's "normal" or makes sense to anyone. T knows about it and I text him when it has happened AND when I have the inclination to, but it means texting him pretty regularly. And it makes me more ashamed and the behavior increases. But would I consider any of this a crisis? No! When he told me I had to report it to him, I thought it was a bit ridiculous. I just keep thinking, "Ignore it and the shame will go away and it will stop happening." I don't even know if that's true, but it feels like it.

Oh DF,

It was so not my intention to make you feel judged. I actually think it's great that you can interrupt those feelings in that way. I was just saying that it makes me react poorly to talk about what I want to do. It makes me more likely to do it, because I get so ashamed. I think you are so much healthier in the way you deal with things!!! I also am usually pretty impulsive about when it actually happens, although I'll have more violent inclinations (that don't happen) for hours before I cave into the minor stuff. And lately, the SI desires are so frequent, if I reached out every time, it would be constant. I think I find it most humiliating because it didn't happen before I was in therapy and it feels like I am strange to have sudden onset of this behavior at 30. I guess I just assume that's not normal and then hate myself more.

quote:

It is actually quite common to have the coping system break down around this age and to have old memories and things emerge. If you had asked me in my 20's if I thought I'd have severe PTSD and DID I would have laughed in your face. Mine was very much triggered by having children and being in my 30's seems to be the norm for this type of thing.

Thanks, I feel a little less crazy. I became a mom in September 2008, had the horrible traumatic incident (I just posted in the birthday thread) happen in December 2009, and as soon as I started opening up in therapy (Sep 2010), it was like I was a different person. T says I dissociated for years, but I don't know if I believe that, because it felt like something purposeful and I always assumed dissociating was an automatic defense mechanism. I do know that I get in states where what I identify as "me" feels pushed back, like an observer, and I think/feel/act out things that don't make sense to that observer. But, I've never missed time (that I know of) or anything. So, if that is dissociating, I guess I do it.

DF - Thanks for the encouragement. I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in my teens and early 20s (two major periods that I hid from everyone), but I've never been "out of control" to where I questioned my intentions like I am now with the SI and bad thoughts. H always says the whole worse before better thing, so my initial reaction is grumbling of you making him "right," LOL. He is really wise, but it sucks to have someone who hasn't been where you are try to tell you how it is. I just can't stop assuming that everyone (H, T, friends, pastor, etc.) is judging me all the time for suddenly not having it together. At least here, people have experienced similar things, so I can feel like they "get" it and believe them. I know T has been through some dark periods as well, but he has only mentioned it pretty generically to say that he is confident from his own experience that God can shine a light into the darkness I'm experiencing and there really is healing.

quote:

He is really wise, but it sucks to have someone who hasn't been where you are try to tell you how it is.

This!!! personally I have never told anyone about my SI except for my T for this reason. What's funny is my friends always say I'm such a happy/funny/energetic person so they would never guess. The truth is I only hang out with them when I'm in that kind of mood; I disappear when I'm upset.

And Yakusoku, I think it's SO good that you're going to counseling now, because it's going to make you such a good parent in the long run. So many people end up in therapy partly because of difficulties with parents/family issues. So as hard as therapy is, you are possibly (hopefully?) sparing your children a lot of it in the future by going to therapy.

I hope so. I also took three classes of Early Childhood Education before I became a mom. When I'm being rational, I actually believe what dozens of people tell me (that I'm a great mom), but when I get so depressed, I start feeling like the world's worst mom again. Oh well. For now, my kid is healthy, bright, happy and not afraid to speak her mind (of course, what two-year-old isn't that way?). But there is always room for improvement, especially when your models are so broken.

quote:

eventually I just feel so crawly underneath my skin and it jumps of me and has to be released. I have no idea if that's "normal" or makes sense to anyone.

I know exactly that feeling that you are describing. It feels like I have poison for blood and I want to crawl out of my body and escape...but I can't. It's a source of immense anxiety and turmoil.

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
It IS normal to go through hell while you learn how to regulate and experience emotions you really haven't allowed yourself in the past, I promise.

That is a relief. Makes me feel a bit more normal
thank you

I don't know what my T's policy is about crisis. I feel like he's so messed up/off the mark. Last May I was having a lot of trouble coping, and even my husband said he'd let me go to the hospital if my T said it was a good idea, but my T talked me out of it by asking me if I truly wanted to die or if I just wanted the pain to end. I mean, I wanted to go to the hospital and T basically wouldn't give his consent. Then T told me later that I didn't need his consent. That's BS, I *just* said my husband said I could IF MY T SAID IT WAS OK.

****triggers****

STRM/Yaku, mine started (SI) after I had a hysterectomy about five years ago, and I even know why I do it and I just can't control it, it's like a reflex. I hurt emotionally and people don't give a shit, and I do it to prove to myself, yes, I AM hurting, and/or because in that moment I feel like nobody can tell I'm hurting (on the inside) unless they can see something on the outside. This is how stupid my husband is -- one time we were arguing so badly and he was calling me a bunch of things like 'useless' and I scratched my arm HARD right in front of him trying to get my arm to bleed (I guess so he could see how much he's hurting me even though I know he doesn't care), and then a few days later we're eating dinner and he asks me what happened to my arm. My T commented on my arm but he already knows I get to the point where I can't cope so I do it. I feel like everyone wants me to die because they're always so angry with me.

Debbye...I totally get that. I need permission for things even if my H isn't requiring it. In fact, I won't quit counseling because H won't give me explicit permission unless T recommends it. I can't even discuss things in counseling unless I feel like I've been given permission to.

I can't believe your H was so oblivious. I have only been dealing with SI for a few months and not in front of people. When people are around, I pretty much just close up. But, when H started noticing bruises, he started making fun of me about it. He won't stop teasing about it and it makes me so much more ashamed. I know humor is his way of dealing with how scary it is, but it makes me more likely to do it and also to get my hopeless thoughts that put me in a pretty bad place.

quote:

But, when H started noticing bruises, he started making fun of me about it.

What an ass. Now I've never been married, but I think your Husband should be your #1 supporter, more so than your T. If you were in a serious crisis, would he just make fun of you for that too? :/

quote:

Then T told me later that I didn't need his consent. That's BS, I *just* said my husband said I could IF MY T SAID IT WAS OK.

You're right, that is such BS and it makes me so irritated just reading about it. I hate it when people don't take things seriously or assume you're exaggerating. My dad didn't blink when I told him I was assaulted, he assumed I was exaggerating and just drunk (which I wasn't, I was hysterical more than anything).
I hope that if you ever in a serious crisis, you know better than to ask anyone's permission, your husband or T.