Hi moro...you make perfect sense. I think we all struggle with wanting to be loved by our T's and to be special to them. Along with that we struggle because we want to or need to hear the words ... yet would we just believe them so easily?

I think your T is corect that words can be empty and trauma survivors do not usually accept them easily. It is more important to watch the actions and behavior of your T to determine if love is there. For those of us who have abuse backgrounds it is doubly hard to trust love or to even figure out what it is and what it feels like. We imagine it would feel really good because we love our T's. For me it was confusing because my mom would say she loved me but then she could be horribly abusive towards me too so what should "I" think about love? Was love also abusive? These are things I am trying to work through in therapy.

I think of love in the way I feel about my son. Love puts his needs first, it makes both of us feel good and it is unconditional.

I also try to figure out if my T loves me. I do think he cares a great deal about me (he has told me this). He has also told me that T's are not exempt from the feelings that go on in the room. They are not inhuman and they ARE going to feel things even if they do not verbalize it. I try to look at the things he does for me (that he does not HAVE to do) and how steady and consistent he is and how he looks at me and speaks to me. How we make each other laugh (and his eyes light up). Yes, there are times I feel real affection from him and it can also scare me and makes me back away from him. It feels confusing at times and scary too.

I think I'm past wanting to hear the actual words. I don't know if I would be able to take them in anyway. I think for me, what he does for me and how he treats me has become more important and more telling about his feelings for me. He did tell me one time while laughing about some of my stubbornness that I am lucky he adores me. That did feel good and it is something that I hold onto when I feel the relationship getting shaky.

These are some of my own thoughts. I hope they are helpful.

TN

Hi Moro,
I think this might help to read:

Unspoken by What a Shrink Thinks

AG

Hi Moro, nice to meet ya!

I think what your T said is very true -

quote:

She says words are hollow, actions speak louder than words.

How often do words seem to run right over us, unheard and unabsorbed??

Recently a dear friend who often says "love" did 2 relatively small things, but they meant the WORLD to me, more than a hundred "i love you's," ever have.

NOT that hearing it isn't important, it just isn't the whole picture. I don't know your story of course, but I totally agree with everything TN has said - if we've been abused, words can often not only be meaningless, but even have the opposite of the intended effect.

All this aside, I'm with you... I would love to hear my beloved T tell me he loves me, but I know he shows his love by respecting me with his boundaries, trusting me with certain details of his life, and the warmth and compassion in his expression.

Hugs,
Starry

Hi, Moro

I like that link, AG. Here's another one that really struck me:

http://www.afterpsychotherapy....herapy-relationship/

I agree with what has been said thus far. My old T actually said those words. Frequently. But his actions proved his love in ways his words never did.

Outsider,

Love that blog, I actually linked to that specific post in another post on my blog. I ended up taking that one to my T and discussing the part where he talks about love in the relationship. Joseph's description of therapy resonated so strongly with me (if you go to the bottom I left several comments). So very cool you put that up.

AG

Thank you all so much for answering me. I read here all the time and have for years. I just am always so afraid to post so I just read in silence. It is because of all of you that I have dared to speak of my deepest fears, secrets, desires and questions in therapy. I owe so much to all of you!

Your responses about love are so helpful to me.
AG and Outsider, those words about love from those therapists made me cry. To think that's how my therapist might feel about me is so heartwarming. It melts my heart. I so wish it is true. It is just so sad that I will probably never hear the words from someone I love so dearly.
TN and Starry Nights thank you so much for your words. You are so right about believing your T's actions and behavior as a sure sign or love and caring.

I think I know the truth about my T's love for me, I just get so pained and frustrated with myself that I can't let go of the doubts I carry with me. It somehow seems so scary to believe that I could be lovable to somebody that knows me and sees all the yucky, weak, vulnerable parts of me. I know this is all coming from my own beliefs about myself as my T tells me these core beliefs about me being unlovable are wrong. She tells me all the time that I am wearing the wrong prescription glasses that warp how I see myself and the world.

I feel her love and need to find it in me to believe. I am also struggling so much with the fact that she won't hug or hold me. She gave the most gentle NO and she herself seems so sad and pained when she tries to explain why it would not be helpful to me. She says she knows me and knows it would complicate my path to healing.

Thanks again for all your kind words. They truly help me as I continue to carry on in this confusing,painful, scary, joyful, glorious, path of therapy and healing.