((((CTL))))

I loved reading about your T. I am amazed that you had the presence of mind to know what kind of T you didn't want. Actually, I did know I wanted a Ph.D. And I also knew I wanted a referral. I didn't want to just pick someone out of a phonebook. It sounds like you and your T had a great rapport from the beginning.

quote:

She's insanely punctual, calls me on my shit and gives as much shit as i give her.

LOL! Good for her. And good for you that you can take it.

((((CAT)))))

quote:

A lot of what I had to say here about my T for a very long time was predominantly negative. But I kept showing up.

Cat, I remember that. That was such a hard phase. Not that any of it has been easy. But I do remember you having that feeling for a long time that she wasn't the right T for you. And questioning it for a long time.

quote:

I walked in with huge issues about women in general that being they are unsupportive, manipulative, judgmental, emotional and untrustworthy.

Oh, I so get the woman issues. IMO, there is a lot of truth to what you say but my T believes that women can be of tremendous support to one another. I hope so.

quote:

Transference makes it so hard

Yes it does.

quote:

Just today I was in an incompetent spiral about my T (she has a particular quality I hate that I'm always worried will crop up) but she said the most loving, gentle, "what i needed" that felt genuine and it's times like those I know that.. Damn I'm lucky.

I'm so glad she came through for you. Those moments are wonderful, aren't they? I wish I could have one every session.

You know what I'm crying about today? I don't/can't/won't call my T by his first name. When he leaves a message for me, he always says his first and last name. His secretary calls him Dr. X. He calls me by his first name. The few times that I referred to him by name in session, like as if I was telling him that I quoted him at home, I call him Dr. Mike or Dr. X.

I hear random people calling him just plain old Mike and it's really bothering me that I don't think of him as "Mike". I did hear a male client once call him Mike as he left so I don't think he has anything against being called by his first name.

Should I bring it up to him? And what if he just says, call me Mike, isn't it still going to be awkward for me to call him Mike? It's so stupid. Why am I making suck a big deal over this?

I thought I could bring it up playfully and tell him that he can't call me by my first name anymore, that he has to address me by "Ms. H" or "Dr. H" or "Dr. Mary" or whatever and see how he responds. He might just say okay and start calling me by those names and then the conversation wouldn't have gone anywhere. He himself has never told me what to call him. Which actually pisses me off quite a bit.

quote:

So to say how do you know if your T is the right fit is really more about how does your T make you feel? Are they meeting your needs? Do you trust them?

These are really important questions about our relationships with our therapists.

It's been a difficult process for me to figure things out because he didn't always make me feel the same way, I sometimes didn't understand how he made me feel or why, I wasn't sure what my needs were or if they were OK to have, and I had a hard time trusting or depending on people in general.

That's been the whole process in a nutshell, to some extent. So for each of us it becomes the details about how we feel, what we need, and how we trust, that we figure out in therapy maybe.

I don't know.

I am removing my posts at Cats request. I am really not sure what was so offensive. I am really not in a very good mind frame to deal with this right now.

Sorry for causing any problems on your post Liese.

B2W

Nothing was offensive I just wasn't comfortable with how my quotes were being used. I did not disagree with what you were adding. I was triggered and felt vulnerable w/ my sharing so thank you so much for taking them away and I'm sorry you removed your entire content.

**warning SU triggers**

When I first started with therapy I was having a lot of problems with SU ideation. It was fairly graphic, intense, and scary, but at the same time I had (and still have) a strong sense that I was not in any real danger of acting on the ideations. So I didn't want to go the safety proofing route. My attitude in seeking treatment was more one of "Um, yes, I have access to lethal means. H is a gun collector! No, I'm not willing to ask him to put them 'someplace safe where I can't get to them.' I have no intention of harming myself in that way. This is all symbolic, don't you see? Can we work on interpreting the symbolism here?"

Well, I (cautiously) interviewed several Ts, asking about how they would treat SU ideation, amongst other things. T was the only one that I sensed would be comfortable working with me on my terms. I feel really fortunate that she also embodies some other qualities I cared about (being a good listener, intelligent, non-directive, gentle, etc) and that I took an instant liking to her on our first meeting.

It's been really interesting to read everyones's thoughts and I want to thank everyone for sharing. I'm sorry things get so hard sometimes. Hope everyone is doing okay out there today.

((((QUELL)))

quote:

It's been a difficult process for me to figure things out because he didn't always make me feel the same way, I sometimes didn't understand how he made me feel or why, I wasn't sure what my needs were or if they were OK to have, and I had a hard time trusting or depending on people in general.

That pretty sums up my experience as well. I'm either a square or a circle but I'm not sure which and I'm always trying to fit myself in with the triangles anyway. Hope some day I can really feel my edges and other peoples in a less distorted way. I hope you can too! Hopefully we're both well on our way.



(((BG)))

quote:

It's the laughter that sealed the deal. And his confidence that he could help me.

I felt hopeless. I was depressed with a drinking problem, and wasn't confident that anything would help. My T.'s words resonated in that first session and gave me hope.

That was really touching to read. Laughter is such a good thing, isn't it? My T's confidence was a huge factor in my decision to stay with him as well. Hope is so important. Thank God there are people out there who have hope.


((((HELD)))

quote:

Well, I (cautiously) interviewed several Ts, asking about how they would treat SU ideation, amongst other things.

Me being me, I'm in awe of your ability to have had a handle on that and to have gone into the process of knowing what you needed. I just shot from the hip my whole life.

If I am really really honest with myself, I've just been intimidated by my T since the very beginning and still am to some extent. It makes me sad that I stayed with him but I was so vulnerable and hopeless at the time. I just don't know what to do with that knowledge now. Do I bring it up? Is it something that would help our relationship? Do I find a new T? The thing is, that I'd probably be intimidated by lots of T's. The thing is, I'm intimidated by lots of people IRL. So, the question might not be whether or not I should leave him. But it might be to explore just when I get intimidated so I can learn how to manage it.

Would it be good for me to learn how to be less intimidated with someone I am intimidated with? That might have the added benefit of helping me professionally? Or would it be better if I found someone I felt was on the same "level"?

I went back to my T - I had known her for 16 years - we are the same age, similar and I already liked her and vice versa. Had seen her for simple stuff over 3 different periods over the 15 years, but it had been 10 years since I had seen her. I had been avoiding her as I didn't want to go back to her because I felt like I was a failure and to see her yet again felt like I was never progressing.

But, before then I needed to see a T because I was SU and getting worse. A friend T recommended her colleague and I went to the new T for containment. Then saw her over many months until she terminated me. So in absolute crisis - I went back to original T. Desperate and just wanting advice. I asked her to keep me safe for a week and to help me find a T for me.

Original T welcomed me back with open arms and it felt like a comfy pair of slippers. I had no intention of starting back up with her but after seeing her twice (she was just crisis managing me) I said to her - you feel great, I feel comfortable with you, I know we get on, I need someone with x, y, z skills because I have a,b,c problems - T said - I have experienced all that and I would love to take you on as a long term client. We talked through nitty gritty things like boundaries, our past experiences together, future problems, issues of her terminating me - really hard tough things - but because I was so raw, desperate and cautious - I just threw them out there. I was the devil's advocate for every horrible thing that could go wrong. We talked through them.

The relief I felt that day. It saved my life.

I just can't believe how lucky I was. After a 10 year absence, my original T had gained skills, qualifications and experience in ALL the areas that I needed her for. She was there ALL the time - when I had gone to the other T - but I didn't want to go back to her because of pride. As it turns out. The traumatic termination by the other T triggered a huge set of events and ironically it has helped me in my therapy. Me reliving the trauma all the time is helping me heal past trauma as well.

somedays

Liese -

I did want to ask - I'd asked (before I got triggered and had to take it down) about if you were intimidated by your t and you said to held you are Do you think that is involved in the no first name stuff? I know when I found out one of my Ts was getting her doctorate that omg would I have to call her Dr and I'm not worthy of working with someone with that much education, etc. even though she would be the same - and even though my other T would still be the same and just as knowledgable and experienced it felt just awkward!

I call my Ts nicknames to friends but to them I say their first name or Miss T1/T2 but I use miss as an affectionate term.

Being terrified of my T at first lends me to say that if you are intimidated maybe try to resolve that? It's provided so much ease in both my therapies to have done that with T1. That alone is what helped me figure out if the fit could be effective for me. But you know... At the same time if you guys can't learn eachother, aren't right for whatever reason... If you feel uncomfortable and like its ineffective it might be useful to try someone else on. I know the attachment stuff and investment of time with your T has been a lot. That was a contributing factor to why I stuck it out and tried longer to find resonence and complimentary understanding with T1. For me the attachment type stuff, the truly feeling held and regulated came after since, like I said before (sorry!!!!) to get my respect or willingness (I feel like the meanest person for having such negative transference), it took the both of us having hope and trying everything we could to break in to a match. I can't figure out who is a match, even in my personal life without a lot of dismissive behavior

Sorry to ask about the name thing I just feel for you there.

As an aside I also knew it was a fit when in a session with my T (at a time she normally doesn't take people often) she said "I do like you; if I didn't you'd know." I said well do you actually tell people you don't like them? She said "No... But I can't be everyone's T and every client can't be mine either - and the ones I don't like don't usually stay or I will tell them it's not working - but trust me... You'd know, you're very sensitive [as in attuned] to that stuff". My T is pretty easy to read "energetically" and she communicates a lot non verbals but anyway whether what she said was appropriate or not I liked knowing she had disliked or not matched with clients And is comfortable ending if she doesn't think she can adjust to them. I have no idea why she put up with the hell I put us through [mostly me though I'm sure she didn't enjoy being antagonized] to fit. It just takes a ton of time to figure when the transference is there. But if you have a really strong visceral sense of something I say follow it if you think it's trustworthy.

Posting from phone so forgive my spelling and grammar

Okay, I'm being a little dramatic. But just a little. You know when you just keep looking at something and picking at it until it just doesn't seem right anymore or like it makes any sense?

I didn't think the name thing bothered me that much but it does. (I have only one year less of education than he does, so I'm not sure it's a matter of his degree per se.) And not only does it bother me in and of itself but it bothers me because I *think* he knows it bothers me and he himself has never said, "Liese, just call me Mike." Wouldn't that be warm and friendly? (note the sarcasm.)

Why wouldn't a T just do that from the beginning? Or if they don't want to be called by their first name, they could say, "you can call me Dr. Mike if you like, or Dr. X. IDK. It just seems like a simple little thing that should have been addressed from the very beginning by two people working together.

Okay, I have to let it go because that's not what happened. And that's not what happened between the last T and I. She never told me what to call her either.

So now the questions are: why does it bother me? (does it matter?) and what should I do about it?(if anything?)

I *think* it bothers me because it makes the relationship so formal. Here I am disclosing my stuff to this man and I don't even know what to call him. The formality adds to the power imbalance. Let's just say someone who didn't have a college degree went to a T with a Ph.D. Wouldn't a T want to (I would) downplay the differences in education and try to level out the difference as best they could?

Okay, I know I'm going off on a stupid tangent again about something I would do but something my T hasn't done. Wasted energy. Got to focus on what has happened and how to fix it.

Maybe what's lingering there is a sense that I get from him that he puts a lot of stock in his degree and wants to be seen as an authoritative "Dr." so that all this has much more to do with him and how he wants to be seen than perhaps any actual commentary on what he perceives as the power imbalance between he and I? Maybe he's just not good at leveling the playing field?

Maybe I should just come straight out tomorrow and say, "so what should I call you?" I don't know why but it would feel so vulnerable saying that. Maybe I should just say, I'd like to call you *Mike* but if you are uncomfortable with that, I can call you whatever you'd prefer I call you.

Oh, isn't this so dumb? I can't believe I'm so emotional over something so stupid. All I know is it hurts.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. So here's the truth. I think it's stupid that he would want his clients to call him Dr. X or Dr. Mike. (Twice he told me that some of his clients call him "Dr. Mike." In my mind I made an immediate connection to Dr. Phil. And then in my mind, I rolled my eyes.)

But, if I don't call him what he would prefer to be called, then I'm not being respectful of his boundaries. (However, he never asked me what I would prefer to be called and he just simply called me by my first name.)

However, if he does prefer to be called Dr. Mike generally, does he ask clients with the same educational level to call him by that title? Would he even expect that?

Okay, I'm just so out of control over this topic now.

Haven't Finished reading yet but SO sorry if I triggered you by asking

((((CAT)))

You didn't trigger me. I was born triggered! I think I'm just going to go in and say, "So, how should I address you?" or "How you you want me to address you?" and then I'll burst into tears. I really wish I knew why this topic is so loaded for me but it just feels like I'm hitting some really raw nerves there.

(((Liese))) (((Cat)))

I've only got a minute here, but I was just thinking that what we call our Ts isn't just courtesy or decorum, but it's also an expression of emotional intimacy, because the way we address someone indicates how close we are. I wonder if calling your T Dr. __ has actually kept him at arms length, and thinking about calling him by his first name means you'd be venturing into another level of closeness, which can be scary. So it makes sense why this conversation, which seems simple, may bring up a ton of emotion.

(((Liese)))

I think Kashley has some good insights here. I also do not think you are over reacting at all. Honestly, I would find it really weird feeling if I was in contact with someone for four years (that's the length of your therapy so far, right?) and still had no idea what to call them.

We human beings are naming creatures. Imo, there is something very profound about the act, and about having a name for someone. I know choosing names for my kids was a huge deal for me. In everyone's favorite creation myth the first task God gives the first humans is that of naming the other creatures (and eachother, I guess, that is Adam names Eve). All that to say, here you are in a very close, long term relationship with someone you effectively have no name for. It is not right! It is not human! You should sue!

Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic here, but I think you get that I am empathizing with you. . . really hope you get this worked out soon. I agree that a T should at least introduce themselves as something or other when meeting a new client, for what it's worth. It just seems like basic good manners.

Firstly Liese, I can totally see why the name thing is freaking you out. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are so personal on every other level with your T. You submit yourself and expose all your vulnerabilities and it seems almost ridiculous that you know what to call your work colleagues, your friends, the guy at the gas station, the kids teachers and coaches etc yet you don't know what to call this person who knows you in such detail, and on top of that, while all those other people address you by name (and it naturally feels good to be addressed by name for each and every one of us), he chooses not to. We lean into our names. Sales people use it all the time to make their clients feel good about themselves and its a way of saying hey I remember you, you are valued, I care about you. It is natural for you to want him to use your name and to be honest I find it rather odd that he doesn't. It's not like you are asking him to call you by some nickname or are requesting to do the same - we are talking about a first name here. Where I live first names even for surgeons or professors are appropriate, but I suppose culture may also play a part.

My suggestion is to tackle it head on. Say something along the lines of ....there is something rather strange I would like to discuss with you. It may seem rather arbitory to you, but it is bothering me and it has bothered me for some time. It has to do with the use of our names - you never call me by my name and I never know what to call you, so it leaves me in a rather uncomfortable place week after week. Given the nature of our relationship and depth of our conversations I would really like to clear this up. What exactly would you like me to call you, and would you mind calling me by my name here and there, because by you avoiding my name it makes me feel like a stranger that you don't really care about.

Well thats my take anyway.


B2W

(((KASHLEY)))

quote:

I wonder if calling your T Dr. __ has actually kept him at arms length, and thinking about calling him by his first name means you'd be venturing into another level of closeness, which can be scary.

Kashley, I think you are onto something here. Thanks for understanding why this would be so hard.

(((HELD)))

quote:

Imo, there is something very profound about the act, and about having a name for someone. I know choosing names for my kids was a huge deal for me. In everyone's favorite creation myth the first task God gives the first humans is that of naming the other creatures (and eachother, I guess, that is Adam names Eve).

That was really very beautifully said. And you are right, it doesn't seem human that I don't even know what to call him. Thanks for all the empathy.

((((B2W))))

quote:

You are so personal on every other level with your T. You submit yourself and expose all your vulnerabilities and it seems almost ridiculous that you know what to call your work colleagues, your friends, the guy at the gas station, the kids teachers and coaches etc yet you don't know what to call this person who knows you in such detail,

All true. Thanks for being so supportive. I think I might bring it up exactly like you suggested and say that it might be weird to bring it up after all this time but it's also weird not to address it. Just another elephant in the room! I'm still not sure I'd ever be able to call him by his first name but we will have to wait and see what happens. Oh, and he does call me by name in session. It's just that I've never called him by name. When I leave him a voicemail, I avoid the issue and just say, "Hi, it's Liese."

Hi Liese,

You've gotten a ton of great information and insight here! I stumbled upon an article that was posted today on the Psychology Today website that kinda addresses your question, so I thought I'd post the link:
3 Ways a Therapist Establishes Trust in Therapy

Hopefully it will helpful!

Here are just some of the ways I know my T is right for me:

1. I feel that she understands me deeply, in a way that helps me understand myself better.
2. I am safe enough with her to try things I would have been too scared to try before.
3. She knows how to balance caring for me without getting so close or being so warm that it triggers me.
4. She is responsive to everything that I communicate about my needs, and willing to adjust her style to fit with them.
5. She is reliable with communication and letting me know when she is available. She goes out of her way to be there when I need support.
6. No matter what we talk about, she always knows her stuff.
7. She is always steady and grounded, never reactive.
8. We laugh together and enjoy our sessions.
9. She isn't hasty or impatient and doesn't jump to conclusions. She doesn't act like she has all the answers.
10. Since I started seeing her, I have had a few bumps, but I have seen myself grow steadily and my life has steadily improved.

Another thing is that she is humble. In our session yesterday she said that sometimes time itself is healing, and people think it was the therapy that helped but really they would have gotten better anyway. Last week she said something similar and I said "You have no idea how you've helped me, do you?" She didn't argue with that. Maybe she doesn't think she's done much, but sometimes we don't need our T's to DO much. Sometimes we just need them to be there and be steady, like a railing to lean on while we are learning to walk.

((((AG))))((((R2G))))((((BLT))))

Want to thank you guys for sharing. :thank you: I loved hearing about your T's and how and why they are a good and/or perfect fit. But also, how it might not have been an immediate thing, just something that evolved and deepened in time.

I just got back from my session and want to let you all what happened but need to just bask in the afterglow for a while. He is a funny one. A bit uptight, LOL, but funny! When I walked into his office for the first time, I walked into my father's house in many respects. How did that happen?

(((Liese)))

So glad you had a good session today. I look forward to reading more about it when you update.

((((HELD))))

Thank you.


((((AG))))

quote:

if for nothing else, to try to understand why what you call him feels so dangerous and difficult.

That is a really good question. I wish I knew the answer. Is it that if he insists on being called Dr. Mike or Dr. X mean that he holds himself above me and by virtue of that, I must be lesser than him? Or is it because it would feel too detached to call this man that after all this time and exposing and sharing all these difficult emotions? Or that he is too detached if that's what he actually wanted to be called? Maybe all three?

quote:

in the beginning it was the fact that he understood what I was trying to say and treated it like it mattered.

That must have been a nice feeling. It's an amazing experience to be treated like you matter, isn't it? Because I was so unaware of my emotions, it took me a long time to realize that my T cared about my feelings.

quote:

"I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work."

The line from the song made me laugh though I know it's really expressing some serious pain.

AG, I wanted to quote your last paragraph in its entirety but it's too long for a quote. It was just absolutely beautiful. You should print it out and give it to him.

(((((R2G)))))

Thanks for the link. I checked it out and it was very helpful.

((((((BLT))))))

Wow. That's an awesome list. You have given me some really good stuff to think about and a standard of sorts to gauge my relationship with my T. That list should be in a Psychology Today article.


So about the name thing. I hope I wasn't rude. I hope I wasn't being presumptuous that he would want me to call him by his first name. I don't have a Ph.D. I don't know how it feels to have one. Maybe I would want people to call me Dr. Liese.

I had decided to go in and shake his hand and introduce myself as if we had just met. He and I goof around like that sometimes so I knew he'd go with the flow. I wanted to do it as I walked in the door and was still standing but lost my nerve.

I sat on the couch and we chitchatted for about 30 seconds. Then I just stuck out my hand and he shook it. I said, Hi, my name is Liese. And he said, Hi, my name is Mike. I asked him if that's what he preferred to be called. He asked me to clarify, did I mean Mike or Michael? I said no, I mean, Dr. Mike or Dr. X.

He turned his head away from me and thought for a couple of seconds and then said, no, Mike is fine. And then he said something like, I think we are at that point in our relationship.

We talked about how his secretary calls him Dr. X. And he said that that was out of respect. I told him how my last T would refer to herself in the third person as Dr. Y and it made me laugh.

After all is said and done, I'll probably never call him by his first name but I feel better just having talked about it.

It made me laugh that he said we are that the point now where I can call him by his first name. But later I worried that he was being serious about that and I wasn't being respectful enough. Me being me, I think if I was a T and a Ph.D., I would still introduce myself by my first name in the first session and not bother with the title. But I do get the sense that the title is important to him. And as silly or distancing as I might think it is, it's who he is and I should respect that. (I'll refer here to xoxo's great explanation of boundaries and being respectful of other people's.)

As for the handshake, we had never shaken hands before but he had told me he would shake my hand when we were having all the conversations about touch. After I shook his hand, I asked him if it was okay or if I was being a boundary crasher. I reminded him that he told me it would be okay. He smiled and said it was fine.

We talked about how I sometimes still feel uncomfortable with him and the reasons why that might be. That how he reacted to me in the past when I tried to share difficult material with him hurt me and sometimes I worry that he's going to react to me the way he used to. He promised that he wouldn't and understood that periodically I'm going to worry he'll revert back to his old self.

He told me that he has wanted to help me since the day he met me.

Woo hoo! Go Liese!

Awww. That last line was so sweet. Keep basking...

Quell

That was awesome, Liese!

Awwww yay!

What your T said, sounded so SWEET....

(((QUELL)))(((BLT)))((((ANG)))((((SOMEDAYS)))

Okay, I do love my T. But .... the name thing is still bothering me. Actually it's making me quite angry.

Just the fact that he has left it so vague for all these years and never insisted I call him Mike, much less anything, leads me to believe it's how he liked it. If he was serious, and I have to assume he was, about us being at the point where I could call him by his first name, it took us 4 1/2 years and all that crap to get here????? When he said that yesterday, part of me wanted to respond, "awww, come on, you're joking! I would hope so." But I didn't say that.

And if he IS serious about it all and he really had to think about if it was okay that I call him Mike, how comfortable is he going to be with me calling him Mike? I'd constantly feel as though I'm crossing boundaries by calling him by his first name. It's just all too much weirdness for me over a name.

Would he really NOT introduce himself as "Mike" if another Ph.D. came for help or an M.D.? Or a man instead of a woman?

I can see how he'd want to emanate a certain amount of authority, knowledge and confidence. We live close to NYC and there are lots of super educated, smart, wealthy, beautiful, pretentious, shallow and accomplished people in the area. None of which describes me but I'm sure he is faced with these types of people all the time. So, I totally get a successful therapist needing to appeal to those people. Is there a way to do that without screwing with the title thing?

It's not like he ever told me to call him Dr. Mike or Dr. X. It's just that when he leaves a message for me, he leaves his whole name. And of course his secretary always refers to him as Dr. X. So I don't have a template in my mind for calling him by just his first name except for a few instances when I overheard a couple of random people call him by his first name.

I heard a secretary from another office call him Mike. I heard another woman call him Mikey. I heard a man client call him Mike.

I just want to scream, "Let's drop the pretenses. I like you. I know you are smart. I know you want to help me. Just be a freaking human being." He knows how unpretentious I am. Grrrrrrrr.

Maybe I should ask Shrinklady how she feels about her degree, if and how she introduces herself and what she wants her clients to call her? I suppose it shouldn't matter because Shrinklady isn't my T. And she's a woman and it might be more important for a woman to carry a certain amount of authority.

Why does this make me so mad? Again, is it the sense of powerlessness I feel?

I know I'm beating a dead horse here but .... my positive feelings seem to have a staying power of only 12 - 24 hours.

((Liese))

I haven't heard what other clients call my T, but I have always referred to her by her first name. Sometimes if, for some (odd) reason, she refers to herself in the third person, she uses her first name. That being said, one time a client came by when I was in session and stuck an envelope under the door and it said Dr. ___. I know it was a client because when T picked it up, she told me. I don't know if that's how they refer to her, but I was thinking about what I'd have put on the envelope in that situation, and I know I would have just put her first name. So who knows.

The problem I have with calling someone Dr. Soandso is that it just underscores the inherent power differential there is when we go to a therapist. And so it keeps you (I'm saying you in general, not you specifically) in this state where you feel inferior to the other person, when it's important for change and healing that things are at least on a somewhat level playing field. There will always be a power differential because our Ts are experts in the field and many clients aren't. But, our Ts really are humans like us.

I do wonder, though, if maybe your T hasn't pointed out that you call him Dr. ___ or tell you that you can call him something else just so that you don't feel pressured into changing how you address him if you don't want to. I know that if I was always calling my T Dr. ___ and she told me I could call her by her first name, I might feel pressured into doing it if I wasn't comfortable with that.

That being said, I have no clue if that's actually the case. It's just something I thought of.

(((Liese)))

(((((KASHLEY)))))

quote:

The problem I have with calling someone Dr. Soandso is that it just underscores the inherent power differential there is when we go to a therapist. And so it keeps you (I'm saying you in general, not you specifically) in this state where you feel inferior to the other person, when it's important for change and healing that things are at least on a somewhat level playing field. There will always be a power differential because our Ts are experts in the field and many clients aren't. But, our Ts really are humans like us.

That was so well said. Thank you. I've just never called him anything, Dr. or otherwise. One time, I wrote him a letter and called him Mr. Here and Now, which was related to a conversation we just had. Although I wrote Dr. X on the envelope but I sent it through the mail.

Must be my convict past or culture - but I have NEVER ever called a Doctor person by Dr....... . And I hate it when a doctor person refers to themself as Doctor.... as if "doctor" is their christian name.

It creates an imbalance and I don't like it.

My T and I have known each other for a long time and we would always use our first names and 99% of the time a shortened, nickname form.
SD

(((((SOMEDAYS)))))

quote:

Must be my convict past

You are funny. So T and I talked about the name thing a little more today. He never introduces himself at all, it turns out. He doesn't care whether people call him Mike or Dr. X. Whatever is most comfortable for me. I told him that I will probably never address him by name one way or another and if pushed, will probably stick with "Mr. Here and Now" or the "Center of My Universe".

I think I would have liked it better had he introduced himself by his first name. To me that shows humility and warmth. Leaving it vague the way he does is, well, vague. I don't have a clear picture of him in my head as either "Mike" or "Dr. X". That's kind of weird for me. You would think he'd want his clients to have a picture of him in their heads with a name attached. My gut says it's because he likes the title but doesn't want to make a HUGE deal out of it. But it is what it is. It has nothing to do with me. It's his thing. Maybe we should work on me working his name into sessions. LOL!

hi liese,

I really understand the frustration that comes out from T's being 'vague' about things... my T does that a lot and it drives me crazy too!
i have never called her by her name, well, i havent had a chance to call her anything and luckily she doesn't fall asleep so i dont need to say her name (or hey you! to get her attention... lol that would be funny

I think that your T doesn't care that much what you call him and maybe the whole vagueness thing is a technique to bring out all the issues for you...?! how annoying, i know!

also, from what you described before, the way i understood it was that his secretary calls him Dr out of 'professional' respect, because it sounds better like that and is more professional and she is not on the same level as him. but i am sure when they have an informal chat, not in front of clients etc, she might call him by his name...

anyway, that was my take on it. it sounded like you did great, asking him - and shaking his hand too!! well done! i am sorry you feel like you cant enjoy it for long

puppet

all i can say is WOW. this thread is pretty incredible and i'm sorry i just noticed it now. there is SO much here to take in. i plan on joining in, but i will need some time to read everything and then digest. incredible thread (i originally typed "threat" Freudian slip?!?!?! hmmmmm ....... i'll be back.

I was thinking today about how I started with my current T. I flat out asked her what she would prefer me to call her - First name, or Dr. Last name. Because my previous T was so uncomfortably stiff, and the one before that was lackadaisically sloppy, I used that experience to clear things up right away with my T. I do know other clients call her Dr. LastName, and all of the other professionals on my treatment team also refer to T as Dr., but for me, I needed to be able to call her by her first name, that whole power thing that Kashley was talking about.

Otherwise - I know my T is right because I've never lasted this long with a T before, and I've never still "looked forward" (for lack of a better term) to therapy after this amount of time, either. Usually I bail after a year, or at least start dragging my feet at that year mark. With my T? I'm still soaking up all I can get. Definitely a good match for me.

Hope things are going ok with The Center Of Your Universe!

Wow, life sure is easier when your T doesn't have a Ph.D. Fewer choices. I can't imagine being that formal with my T though; our rapport is more casual. Last week she teased me about how I pronounced something and I told her to shut up!

Ha! sorry to just jump in, but I find myself with some (stolen) time tonight, Liese! hmm. I called my Old T "Dr." I called him "Dr. *****" I called him "Doc" when I was feeling brave. All of this was by email, though- in session I can't remember being able to say his name.

I call current T by first name, at his request. He never calls me anything, I don't think... when my pold T called me by name once, I almost swooned, so it's all in all probably a good thing? Idk. There must be some reason for it..

As for the good fit question from eariler..gosh. I don't think I know what a good fit would look like either! It's just someone you feel comfortable with, or is there more to it? idk. I look for someone older wiser, fatherly or motherly, I guess, friendly, soft? Then I get Cowboy T who is tough on me, and.. I regularly call him names, like "sheesh- you are such a dork" which he laughs at and says that's why I like him. So maybe that is a good fit? But We miss eachother's meaning a lot. But that would happen with anyone I assume? idk.

anyway- I'm sorry to just drop in with my two cents, especially since I didn't have time to read every post, but...I also wanted to just say hi!

I call my T by her first name...but then, she isn't a 'Doc' by official certification type standards.

When she refers to herself, or the little ones within her, she'll call herself by a shortened version of her first name. Occassionally when I'm not thinking too hard on the subject, I will refer to her as that in conversation - But never in general...

Once she called me by the shortened version of my name that I refer to myself as, and sign off emails as. This was a big thing for me, and I felt hugely connected when she did that. Thankfully she did it on my way out after a particularly challenging session. I never brought it up again, though, as I was afraid if I did, it would never happen again.

I have, of course, in jest, called her less kind things in session. Or threatened to throw something at her...But usually after she's made me nearly spill tea out of my nose, so I figure it's fair game.

I really love it when my T calls me by my shortened name. I do it to her too. Her sister is called the same as me so I think she is just used to saying it.

((((GOOD MORNING)))))

You guys must have been up all night posting here or maybe I missed all these responses yesterday. I'm headed out of town for two days in 10 minutes and don't have time to respond right now. It was interesting to hear all of your replies. Thanks.