incognito,

I think, if I were feeling like everything that I'm doing is wrong, that it'd be hard to hear something like, "you're overidentifying with your negative feelings." Like, great, something _else_ I'm doing wrong, I'd think.

incognito,
I think the comment about the Greek chorus was an attempt to use sarcasm. Along the lines of how could anyone breathe wrong? I honestly think he meant it to be reasurring and was probably hoping that saying it that way might be easier for you to hear.

You're not doing everything wrong. It really does just feel that way. Having those tapes playing in your head doesn't leave much room for anything else. But you really need to know that no matter how strong they are or pervasive (and I know they are both), they're not the truth. Not getting your needs met convinced you on a very deep level that there's something wrong with you. Which in its only way is an attempt to survive. If something is wrong with you, you might be able to fix it, and then you could be valued and get your needs met. We have to figure out some way to explain our experience and preserve the integrity of our attachments figures. This leaves us with no place to go but ourselves.

It takes a lot of reassurance and a lot of experiencing something different to break the power of those beliefs.

And I know that things are getting worse for you. When we finally start to look through our denial and have this stuff come closer, it gets a lot more painful. And I totally get not understanding therapy can be so hard. We often think of people who need therapy somehow being weaker and damaged, when actually in my opinion and experience, it takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to face what you run into in therapy.

All that said, one of the worst aspects of abuse and trauma is that you don't get to control how fast and how often it comes at you. Its important to follow your internal sense of pacing on what you handle and when. That doesn't make you a failure or a bad person, its just having the capacity. It may also be that you don't yet trust your T enough yet to start dealing with the underlying stuff, it can take awhile to form enough trust.

And I understand wanting the denial back but its too late. It's not conscious but you've been working hard all your life to hold this stuff in. Eventually it gets too difficult to keep holding it down. But the pain you're in now and the work you're doing will help you heal so that you no longer have to expend energy holding it down.

I'm sorry this is so hard and painful. You deserve so much more.

AG

Incognito

My T calls it my critical chorus. I too think that if I don't do everything right, including therapy, then I'm doing it all wrong. She is constantly telling me not to look at things as black and white. In fact, she just said that today about something I said. I agree with AG. I think the "Greek" chorus was your T's attempt at sarcasm/humor. It sounds like you have done some pretty hard and deep work with him. I know it hurts like hell, but don't give up on him. You will get through this - as painful as it is. You are strong and brave.
I hope it passes soon for you.

PL

thank you all for you comments and understanding. It is wonderful to feel understood. I am just crying and crying. I emailed my T and told him I know he didn't mean it the way it felt (that he was making fun of my pain) but I didn't know what he wanted me to get. I also said I thought maybe we should talk about taking a break from therapy. I feel like I have been trying to get this, whatever this is and it is like banging my head against a brick wall and maybe a little distance will help.

Email messages can be so tricky and easily misunderstood. I am sure that most T's don't like to email because of this. It is good that you were able to hold onto the truth about your T's compassion and not completely cling to the negative thought that he was mocking your pain. Emailing him back asking for clarification is also you not being overly negative. In other words, incognito, YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT! You are trying, you are not giving up and just taking whatever life hands you and making the worst of it. You are feeling stuff, wrestling with it, questioning it, and yes, not enjoying it very much but all of the little baby steps you are able to take will add up to getting you to a better place. I love my T's "T-ism": "The slower you go, the faster you get there." This is always rattling around in my head especially when I feel the need to slow down and take smaller steps - sometimes I even go backwards but it all adds up to progress in the end. Hang in there!

I have been reading this thread over and over I am sure as we all do from time to time, reading someone else's words and the way they feel about themselves and go "Uh, did I write that? How did they express what I've been feeling my entire life? How did they know?"

For example:
"Everything I do is wrong." "I can't even breathe right!" and as my T hears from me on a regular basis "There is something wrong with me." HB this statement particularly floored me:

quote:

I have always felt almost like the rest of the world has a manual that tells them exactly what to do and how to be in the world and no one will give me a copy or let me see theirs. It is such a painful feeling of isolation and i tend to blame myself for messing up and failing.

So often I feel that everyone else knows some secret that no one will share with me. The secret is that there really is something wrong with me and no one will admit it to me. So sometimes when someone is sarcastic with me, as my T is on occaisson I get triggered feeling like she is mocking me or making fun of me. I've learned to confront her when I feel that way and I find great relief when I learn it isn't true. These beliefs are not only deep, but they are twisted and distorted, hidden in such dark and endless crevices.

I am really trying to learn how to slow down and to listen to my internal beliefs and what they say about me. After all this therapy I still feel like I don't know how to access that kind of mindfulness and self-awareness.

All of these comments are so helpful and insightful. HB, I especially hone in on your winsome words about the urge to run away and shut down being extremely powerful. So how do you create that little bit of space? Are you talking about just going to therapy and working through this and gradually it just happens? That's the idea I get. Right now I still use my T to help regulate me, but eventually I hope this all resonates deeply enough that it becomes a part of me and a new ability and awareness of myself and my own potential.

It's like today I am actually feeling pretty good and I am being more productive than I have been in a very long time. I can easily keep moving and feeling good, but am I missing an opportunity to learn something that can make this more permanant or will it just happen? When I try to sit back and relax and just feel my feelings it's like I am suddenly ADD. My mind is all over the page because it is so used to controlling my emotions for me. Does this make any sense at all?

JM