(((((incognito))))

I don't have any advice for you, I can only say that I understand. I have so many shameful secrets that I am terrified to share with anyone. I hardly acknowledge them myself, to be honest. Just the thought of them is enough to dissolve me into tears

I have been working with my T for almost six months, twice a week. A few weeks ago I was finally able to reveal one big shaming secret to her. I wrote it out, so I could read it, but I ended up handing it to her to read instead. Then, like you, I couldn't discuss it. I think, though, knowing that she now knows is going to make it easier for me.

My T told me that no matter what I tell her, it will never "hurt" her, the way it hurts me. She may emphatically understand, but she has not walked in my shame, nor has she carried my secrets for the years that I have done so, which makes it possible for her to hold them for me, without judgement, until I'm ready to dissect them so that they no longer hold any power over me. I didn't believe her when she told me that, but I am actually starting to see that she is right. I still don't speak much about the deep yucky stuff, but I can journal it and give her the journal entry to hold on to until I'm ready.

(((incognito)))

Incognito-

Take it slowly, please.

Shame was the hardest, the most intense pain to process, but it does get better, I promise!!! That initial awarness of things buried deeply for years can be overwhelming. Be gentle, loving and forgiving of your little girl (for me those shame things happened when I was a little girl) for she did not know what to do in the bad situation. For me- my little girl did not even fully realize it was bad- only curious. Hold her treat her well, buy her something special. That is what my T used to say.
I know the pain runs deep, but it will not always be that way. My words sound a bit hollow to me as I am remembering that pain, but hang on- it will lessen, I guarentee it.

Hugs to you Incognito, many big bear safe hugs to you.

Mayo.

Oh, and my T also told me that I don't have to tell him everything, as long as I am aware of the bad stuff now. Some of it was to painful and embarassing for me to share and he said that was ok. He also said that it is not important that I remember every detail- because I couldnt remember and that was making me worse- and adding to the " I must be making it up" feeling.

Baby Steps, (((((((((((((Incognito))))))))))))))))

(((INCOGNITO))))

Oh honey, if there was a way for me to reach through the computer right now and give you a great big hug, I would do it. Facing our shame is the hardest thing in the world to do. But the amazing thing is that we do it with our T's and we do it again with our T's and we do it again with our T's and we keep doing it until we get everything out of the closet. The process takes a really long time and is brutally painful. But you will start to feel the shame lessen as you share it with your T and he still accepts you just the way you are. And as the self-loathing starts to ease up, you will start to feel better about yourself and start taking care of yourself more.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE SHAME ANYMORE!!! SHAME IS BANISHED.

If you don't go back to him, you will still be in the same spot you are in now although eventually, if you are anything like me, you will start to beat yourself up for leaving therapy and add that to the list of things you feel ashamed about.

Incognito, we are all human beings. We do things to ourselves because we ARE human beings. We are not perfect. We all need to love ourselves and each other a little more and be a little kinder to ourselves.

I know it will be hard to face him after making the disclosure. But I think you will see that he will not judge you and he will hold you in the palm of his hands with compassion and love as we all do here.

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

R2G and Mayo,

thanks for your replies. I probably didn't do a very good job explaining it but it wasn't like a secret. I've told my T most of my childhood secrets and traumas. I've been with him for three years. I can forgive myself for the things I did as a child. I'm ashamed of who I am right now. I'm ashamed of what I do and how I cope. I am ashamed of my very being and it worse that my T knows how ashamed I am for some reason that I don't understand.

Liese, I think you are right and my T can still accept me. I'm not sure that I can accept me. This weekend the pain has just been washing over me like giant waves. When it hurts it hurts so badly I can't breathe and I have to fight the urge to do anything to stop it. I appreciate the hug and the good advice but right now I can't seem to take it in. I know you are right that it won't help to leave therapy but right now I can't imagine anything helping.

It helps to vent thought because I couldn't talk about this with anyone.

Incognito,

I get that too, the wave of pain. It sucks, doesn't it? My T said I'm finally allowing myself to feel and that's what it's all about. I guess we can only let go after we allow ourselves to feel - which is clearly a brutally painful process. We should all pat ourselves on the back for being so brave even though sometimes we all want to run away.

I hope the wave of pain passes soon.

Love,

Liese

I went to my session today. I appreciate people encouraging me to go. It was a very difficult session and I struggled quite a bit trying to explain what was going on for me. The things I am ashamed of seem so obvious I can not even put into words why I'm ashamed of them, kind of like trying to describe why breathing is good.

I managed to admit that I am disgusted by myself and think I'm repulsive. I told him I hate the fact that the first thing everyone notices about me is my weight and appearance and I think everyone is disgusted by it. I even told him that I think he is disgusted by me. He agreed that a lot of people do judge others by their appearance and being overweight means some people assume that you are lazy and undisciplined . He told me that he was NOT disgusted by me and he saw more to me than my weight but I would find that hard to believe. I told him I didn't believe him and I thought we were at an impasse because I don't know how to keep talking about something where he says one thing and I don't believe it.

I'm still struggling with this. I'm glad I went and we managed to talk about some things. I just don't know how to resolve this issue. My T is very careful to keep a distance between us at all times and has never touched me or shook my hand. A long time ago I told him I thought that was because I was repulsive and he told me no then too. I didn't believe him but I made a conscious effort to not think about it and work on other things because I was willing to accept the he was repulsed because it seems reasonable to me. Things have changed and I don't think I can accept it anymore.

I don't think I can stop this conversation but I'm also afraid to have it. I think that is why I've been considering quitting therapy because I can't see the conversation ending well.

quote:

He told me that he was disgusted by me and he saw more to me than my weight but I would find that hard to believe.

What?! Surely that is a typo and you meant to say that he said he is NOT disgusted by you?

Incognito, I am sorry you are feeling ashamed of your weight. Its such a visible scar that people can see, but trust me, everyone, even thin people, have areas of their life that they can be ashamed of. Just because one person's issues are more visible and public than another's does not make it more shameful or bad.

Incognito, I am so sorry you are struggling with these feelings and that they are weighing you down, I am also sorry that people can be so judgemental. It is a huge step to be able to accept something different to what we are used to believing to be true ourselves...I am sure that it is true that your T isn't repulsed by you, but I know how it can take time to take on board and accept he may be telling you the truth. It's a true test of trust and that can take time and can be scary but also incredibly healing.

(((((Incognito)))))

Hugs
Butterfly

LG, yes that was a typo which I fixed this morning (freudian slip). Thanks for reminding me that everyone has areas of their life that they can be ashamed of. I suffer from thinking if I could lose weight my life would be perfect. In reality even when I was a much more normal weight I've always felt repulsive and it is just so much harder now that there is external validation for how I feel.

Butterfly, Thanks for the response. I think I am the most judgemental person in my life. I hope I can keep talking to my T about it and find some way to accept what he says and find some peace around my appearance.

((((((INCOGNITO)))))

It sounds to me that you are the one who is projecting here. I know it's hard to accept that the feelings are coming from you and not from your T. But he understands the reasons why we abuse ourselves, he understands that a million times better than your cute, thin neighbor down the street.

Before I go on to the weight issues, I want to tell you about something my T tells me. He is encouraging me to go back to the practice of law, which I haven't done in 16 years really. I have helped my H out some, but not enough to bolster my confidence. Anyway, all I do is tell my T how I screw up. The kids and I went to Arizona and California over the April break. We drove from Arizona TO California and when we were near San Diego, the car ran out of gas. I couldn't believe I never checked the gas tank again after I filled it in AZ. How irresponsible. Just me and the four kids alone on a highway and I freakin forget to check the gas tank. How could I possibly be a lawyerA? Well, I have a million and one examples of things like this I do. And I keep asking him, and so are you sure I can be a lawyer? Are you sure you are not setting me up for failure? Why do you keep encouraging me to do this? And I really am befuddled. Why isn't he looking at me the way everyone else looks at me???? There goes Liese again, off on one of her crazy adventures. So disorganized. Never should have become a lawyer. Why isn't he thinking that same thing? Why is he so convinced that I'm going to be able to pull myself together and do this???? My one friend said to me recently, "Liese, you are too right-brained to do bankruptcy law." And so, why isn't my T getting what everyone else is getting about me? I'm a failure.

Well, I think part of the reason is that other people are ALWAYS looking for reasons to feel BETTER than everyone else. And, it's easy to look at any of us who struggle with weight or say, disorganization, and think to themselves, "I am better than her. I am more disciplined. I feel good about myself today." BUT YOU KNOW WHAT PISSED ME OFF INCOGNITO< is that WE ACCEPT THAT> WE LET THEM FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES BY DENIGRATING OURSELVES. WE BUY INTO IT AND WE CONTINUE TO BUY INTO JUST TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR EMOTIONS. How nice of us, Incognito. How nice of us to let them feel better about themselves because we are so willing to feel so bad about ourselves.

Well, maybe not your neighbor down the street. But maybe that's how it all started back in childhood when someone close to us needed to feel better than us and WE BOUGHT IT. WE LET THEM.



Well, Damn it, Incognito, I'm not going to let anyone define me anymore. And, when my friend said that to me about me being too right brained, the first thing I thought was, Oh, she's probably right, I should have been an artist. what was I thinking going to law school? But then I remembered that I am really good at CODE work. The bankruptcy code. The tax code. That kind of stuff. I had to work harder at getting the more abstract/creative stuff in the law, constitutional law, that kind of stuff. I WAS really good at code work. My brain just gets it. And, so I answered her by telling her that I was really good at that stuff and she's wrong, I am not too right brained.

And I've just come to the conclusion that my T knows that when I stop accepting what other people think about me and I define for myself who I am and who I want to be, that I will be disciplined and organized enough to pull this all together and I will stop abusing myself and start taking care of myself and achieve what I want to in life. Well, at least that's what I think he thinks. I've never actually asked him.

But my hunch is that your T knows the same about you. He knows the terrible emotional pain you are in. He knows why you do it to yourself. And NO HE IS NOT REPULSED BY YOU.

I can't tell you how many times I've been pissed off because I know people judge me by my weight also. Just for the record, I've been working really hard exercising over the last year and just moved from obese to overweight. It was very exciting.

In addition to not being active enough and not eating really healthy foods, I also DO in fact have a slower metabolism than most. (I chalk this up to my Irish ancestry and figure it's the reason my ancestors survived the famine. The skinny ones died!!! If we have another famine, I will be in good shape!!!)

I also have a bigger body frame (as do my girls) and the reality is that I will never be as thin I want to be or as thin as this ideal I hold in my head. It's just not going to happen. For the past year, I've exercizing like a demon and every day I look in the mirror and tell myself how disgusting my legs look.

But, I'm still working on that one incognito,

Hope you can hang in there. If you really don't believe that he's not repulsed by you, you need to keep working at this with him. You've been doing an amazing job. Although it really hurts, doesn't it?

Love,

Liese

(((incognito)))

I know how you feel, in a way. My T always says things I cannot believe are true:

-You are not a burden.
-The texting is not too much. It is a blessing that you share with me.
-I'm not rejecting you. Not going to abandon you.
-I don't think you're lying or overreacting.
-I don't think you're "drama."

Even though I know my not believing my words is not anything to do with his trustworthiness, and all to do with me an how I've been hurt, it's impossible to get my emotional parts to accept what I intellectually know.

quote:

I'm still struggling with this. I'm glad I went and we managed to talk about some things. I just don't know how to resolve this issue.

Incognito,
I honestly believe that battling that deep sense of shame is possibly the worst part of healing from long term trauma. The whole point of shame is to make us pull away and to hide ourselves. But we carry so much shame we don't deserve for things that weren't our fault. I have struggled with the same shame over my appearance. I started losing weight during therapy and we ended up actually talking about my body and how I felt about it. It was probably one of the most excruiating sessions I've ever had. Because like you, I was convinced that my T must be totally repulsed by me. The worst part of telling him I was attracted to him was my thinking that he must have felt really grossed out that someone who looks like me was attracted to him. But because we talked about it, I actually was able to get to the source of my shame about my appearance, which was that my father had worked REALLY hard to convince me that I wasn't attractive so that I would think I had no where else to go and would be handy to abuse. I finally learned that at least some of my shame had been put upon me.

As far as resolving it, I don't believe it ever completely goes away but it can be vastly reduced to something that will no longer impede you. And the solution is very difficult but can be done. Which is to keep going and baring your shame and watching your T react. We learn not to be ashamed of ourselves by experiencing someone who accepts all of us, without scorning or judging us. My T very rarely told me that I didn't need to feel ashamed (when he did it was when counteracting an especially strong sense of shame attached to the abuse and my taking responsibility for things that weren't my fault.) But by always listening and understanding and not changing towards me no matter what I told him, he taught me that all of me was acceptable and nothing to be ashamed of. Even the things that are really wrong with me (a not inconsiderable list ) I can accept because they're part of being human. Including the fact that I am a VERY large woman.

So you're doing what you need to do, speaking up despite the shame. The way out is through. But I'm sorry, I know it's an uphill battle the whole way.

AG

I'm so sorry that the shame hurts so much, incognito...I think it is just beautiful that you are sharing and being open with your T about these things, and that he is responding so caringly to you. I know it is *very* difficult to let that care and acceptance in. I have a secret that I've carried since I was a child that I am deeply ashamed of. It is still a part of who I am and how I cope and it makes me disgusted and repulsed with myself, and like you the feelings of the shame are tied into my body image and all of that stuff. You are not alone. I know it is hard to hear it, and impossible to believe it, but I have to say that I admire you strength, authenticity, your resolve and your sweetness. There is something very beautifully tender about you, that shines right through in your posts. It will be ok in time, incognito.

((((((((incognito)))))))

BB

Hi, I'm new here and from Slovenia, so sorry for my english mistakes

But I need to tell this, that I am so glad I read this post from Incognito. I can totally relate to this. I have the same problem. I am ashamed of my weight too and after a year in therapy still don't believe when my T says that I am worth it no matter what my weight is. I have problems with Obsesive compulsive eating that i developed after some childhood trauma and now i am struggling in therapy really hard, trying to get control over food. I often ask my self if it is worth the effort, because I still often do not believe someone cares about me, cares about my filings. Eventhough I have the greatest T, I still shut down, when my weight, food and eating is brought up in session. I often feel guilty, even more ashamed and weak because I think I just simply can't do it...and then f.e. after a session I think why is she bothered with me so much, I don't deserve it, because Im ugly and stupid. But I don't want to feel like this anymore, I like being loved, but there is always a doubt in my head, that i don't deserve it. And when I am in such pain it is easier just to eat---a lot. huh, I am sorry that I bumped in to this topic like this, I just wanted to tell Incognito, that I totally know how he feels. But don't really have the answers or some helpful advice. However, dear Incognito, you are not alone feeling like this.

And to all off you, it is really nice to meet you...

((Incognito)) I am so sorry that you are dealing with such shame issues. I'm sorry that I can't be of much help there. I myself do not understand this whole thing. I have lived with so much shame for my whole life, that I don't think I even know where to start. Talking about things hasn't worked and I am still repulsed by my body. I am about 60 lbs overweight and it really bothers me. I guess not enough that I haven't lost it. But that is only a part of it. The abuse has left me totally hating me and my body. No matter what I do to feel good it doesn't work for long. The moment maybe. I don't know how to deal with the shame either. It is a hard road and really hurts. I wish I could do something for you. (())Here are some hugs and I hope that your t can help.

Welcome Ninna,

I’m sorry that you can relate to the shame I feel about my weight and body. It is very painful and difficult to work through. I also have a great T but I am still struggling. My current thread this week reminds how much shame I feel about a lot of different things I do. I am still struggling through therapy though it is a constant fight with me.

Smiley, thanks for the hugs and I’m sorry you know the pain of shame and abuse. It is awful. I read on your other thread about your struggles with your appointment tomorrow. I can relate and I hope you can go in there and tell your T what you need her to hear but I don’t have any idea how to do this.

Neither do i!!!!