Jillann,
For me, and I'm not sure if this would be true for anyone else, it was about learning to experience my feelings. Feelings to me are such an odd duck because I think having them is vitally important to having a sense of being fully engaged in life, but we also cannot raise them too high and use them as our only guide.

It was a shock to me when I realized how much I denied my feelings (most people, very much including my DH would have described me as quite emotional because I would hold them in until I exploded so the intensity would often be much higher than expected). But the truth was that my childhood was full of me being overwhelmed by feelings I had no capacity to process so I became very scared of my feelings.

So the really hard work of therapy has been to accept my feelings and allow myself to feel them (in the beginning it always took the presence of my T to help me contain them). I learned two rather amazing things. I am driven MUCH harder by the feelings I do not acknowledge because denied feelings get acted out often in unconscious ways while the feelings I acknowledge gives me a chance to decide whether I need to act upon them. The other is that when I started allowing my feelings in, they were not all bad. So yes, there was fear (ok terror) and anger (OK rage) and powerlessness and vengence, but there was also gratitude, joy, comfort, and love. Embracing all of my feelings means that there are so many more situations I no longer need to avoid so I live a wider life and can FEEL that I am living it, both of which have done away with that feeling of standing removed. Once I could actually feel my life, it became a no-brainer to choose it.

I hope this helps, it's a really really confusing concept and one of those things I think we learn more implicitly from seeing our caretaker model the skills rather than explicitly the way we would learn to do math.

AG

Thanks AG. I definitely think you are probably on to something. I absolutely deny my feelings all the time. They are terrifying to me and I try to stuff them away. Couples counseling is doubly frightening as I'm trying so hard to control my own feelings and hide them and at the same time worried so much about what DH is feeling. If I let him know what I feel will he get angry or leave? When I do manage to talk about stuff I'm usually happy when it is over but it truly feels like torture to be in that room during that therapy hour.

Your response make a lot of sense. I'm not sure I'm on the right path to getting to that place of learning to experience my emotions. I'm very close to just quitting this whole therapy experience. I'm telling myself to stick it out through July and then decide if it is really helping or not.

Thanks AG for responding.

Jillann

Hi Jillann,

I feel like I'm an observer of my life, but never really present and it's very frustrating. I think that being present requires us to feel things and I constantly struggle with feeling anything. Feeling feelings feels like learning how to speak a foreign language. My husband has always called me a robot and my T says I seem like an empty house. I have been emotionally numb my entire life.

I've made minuscule steps towards feeling and here are some things I’m working on:

1. Somatic exercises - just feeling physical feelings was the doorway to feeling emotions. Learning to be aware of my five senses and naming what I was sensing has surprisingly helped a lot.

2. Making a choice not to manage my emotions - every time I tell T I can't manage my emotions, he says, "Then don't." Right now, I'm only learning to be aware of my feelings in the moment and trying to just let them be. This is hard for me to do.

3. If I start to feel something, allow it to come out. I only feel safe to emote at 2am when no one can see or hear me, but I still let it out until it's all out.

4. Learning that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. I'm only responsible for my feelings and actions. What people feel belongs to them and I can't control what other people feel. We can only control our actions and deal with our emotions. We have no control of others feelings and actions.

5. I have a long list of feelings. Every day I look through the list and try to circle one or two feeling words that might describe how I feeling that day. You can google "Vocabulary of Feelings" to find a list that might work for you.

I feel overwhelmed by all my feelings and feel like I don’t have the tools to deal with them. But I know I’ll never learn unless I allow myself to feel them first. It's so much work.

These may not work for everyone, but I hope you can find something to help you engage with your life.


PassionFruit

quote:

How do I choose life?

“Be like a branch of a tree; flex your body to face 'wind of sorrow'; flex little harder to dance in the 'wind of happiness'.”
― Santosh Kalwar

Can identitify with your feeling very much. And I think you are on the right track with your signature. I listen often to Tara Brach (tarabrach.com), her teachings and guided meditations have seen me thru many a difficult patch.
love

Thanks for the support and understanding Elsewhere

Wow PassionFruit That is an awesome list. And perhaps is what T has been somewhat trying to help me with. But I think she and I are not communicating on the same wavelength. She points out my body language - I see it as picking on me - she says she is trying to make me aware of my body/feeling connection.

Your #2 and 3 I so agree with. I am very shut down and tightly controlled on my emotions. Most of the time this serves me well. Occasionally things will erupt and then watch out!

#4 is why couples counseling is so torturous for me. I worry constantly that if I am open and tell DH how I feel it will upset him or make him angry. T is always saying I can't make anyone feel anything. That just doesn't compute for me. If I don't say anything or do anything that might be in disagreement with others then I should be safer. Correct? This concept is really problematic for me.

I do really like your idea #5. Looking at a list of feeling words would probably really help me to be more aware that I am having feelings and try to put a label on them. I think I will try to work on this one.

Thanks so much everyone for great responses.

Jillann

quote:

#4 is why couples counseling is so torturous for me. I worry constantly that if I am open and tell DH how I feel it will upset him or make him angry. T is always saying I can't make anyone feel anything. That just doesn't compute for me. If I don't say anything or do anything that might be in disagreement with others then I should be safer.

What your T means is that how people respond to what you tell them is *their* choice. You cannot make that choice for them. So if you are honest with someone and they become angry or sad, that's their choice. They have decided to respond that way.

I know choosing not to disclose may seem safer, but it really isn't. How you truly feel will ALWAYS come out one way or another. I suspect that's why your T comments so much on your body language. Your lips may say, "I'm ok. No problem here," but your body is telling a very different story. And I bet DH notices, too. And that becomes a trust issue that drives a wedge between you.

What is it that you really fear in regard to his response? Sure, he might get angry (initially), but what would that mean for you? Are you afraid he would hit you? Abandon you? What does that say about you, him and your relationship? If your only fear is that he will experience a negative emotion (like anger), well...that's beyond your control.

I know opening up to DH is hard. I had to do it with my husband. And it was a bit rocky in the beginning. He did get angry. He didn't understand everything I told him. But that gradually changed. It brought us closer. Now, everything is SO MUCH BETTER. He's gentler with me. He's more understanding and respectful of my struggles. He responds to my needs. He helps more around the house. Being honest with him and expressing needs is still tough at times, but it's getting easier. And the more I do it, the closer we become. It's been so worth it. Eight months ago, I was wondering if we were headed for divorce.

I guess a good question to ask yourself is, "How much longer can I go on hiding my true feelings? How much longer can my husband and I continue to stay married with this trust issue between us?" The trust issue is two-sided: he can't trust you to be honest, and you can't trust him to handle your honesty.

I hope this wasn't too brutal. Just want to help.

Hi Affinity,

Your response wasn't brutal. I really value the input of others that have forded this raging river of couples counseling. I did not start therapy for couples work. I started because of a crisis situaiton I was in had dropped me into a horrible depression and started by ED up again. I never imagined I would be in couples counseling.

quote:

What is it that you really fear in regard to his response? Sure, he might get angry (initially), but what would that mean for you? Are you afraid he would hit you? Abandon you? What does that say about you, him and your relationship? If your only fear is that he will experience a negative emotion (like anger), well...that's beyond your control.

I have no fear of him hurting me and I think I believe he would never leave me. We have talked about marriage and once having children together you are together for life whether you want to be or not. I am somewhat afraid of him leaving. My dad just up and walked out on my mom after 32 years. He had an affair and thought he could do better than her. I scares me that I hold that fear in my heart. I just don't think DH would ever do that but I never thought my dad would either. People change.

I also do fear his anger. I feel bad about that because that is a conditioned response from my childhood. DH gets angry and yells. He has never been violent. I don't want to make him feel like he can't express anger around me but his yelling does scare me and triggers massive flashbacks. I hide out when he is angry. Probably not the best way to get things resolved.

I think sometime DH likes the counseling and other times he doesn't and I think he is worried about $$ right now and is seeing this as someplace to cut back.

I know I hate being there but actually often when it is over I feel a sense of accopmlishment and peace to have spoken my mind. I would not ever do it willingly without T pushing me. I am just so avoidant. DH is too so it has been a very quiet lonely marriage in alot of ways. He is always there for me. Just doesn't talk or share much.

Thanks for the response.

Jillann

I relate to this. Prior to another major trauma just over 3 years ago, my life was going really well. I had been stable and happy (!!!) for several years, loved life, and 'glad to be alive' ( this after years if depression which states when I was a child).

Since the major trauma and subsequent PTSD (childhood trauma re-triggered) I've struggled with what you're describing. So wit was my depression is so bad I am actually suicidal, but even on the days I 'feel great!' I ask myself the lit us test 'yeah, but is this (feeling happy) 'enough'? Does it make life worthwhile?' And I haven't been able to answer yes for the past 3 and a bit years.

What I do instead of questioning whether (or not) I make a commitment to 'choose life' I came to these conclusions.

1) life is finite - I will only be here for (at the most) another 50 years (if I live to be 90). Not being alive - being 'dead' - for as far as I know, is 'forever' - ie, a LOT longer than ill have left of my life to live.

Framing it like that - no matter how hard it is and how much pain I'm in, even another 50 years of feeling like this (and it's not all bad - I DO have SOME good moments) is really only a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things

2) what if what comes after this (death) is WORSE? And it lasts forever? (Horrible thought but it can't be ruled out).

3) I don't need to make a decision right now. I can accept, things are pretty hard and I struggle and while I don't want to spend the next 50yrs feeling this way, in all likelihood I probably won't.

4) if I don't choose life, that's the end. I'll never know 'if' I'd stuck around, maybe just the next week, things would have looked up - there is no going back, if I chose to not accept living, well I can't cut do it if it turns out it was a wrong decision

I guess it's a 'stay in the moment' thing.

And remind myself - forever is a very very very long time.

And every now and again I think of the many people I know who chose to not chose life. Some have been dead for nearly 20 years - and with all the uos and downs and ups and downs in. He life in those 20 years since - They are STILL 'dead'. It starts to hit home how finite and how long 'forever' must be - cos 20 years seemed to take a very long time .....