AV,
If you'll read your post title, the answer is already there. You cannot manage something that is unconscious, by definition you are not aware of it, so how could you manage it? But one of the most important goals of therapy is to bring your unconscious to light in front of your therapist so you can become conscious of it, and gain control over the things out of your awareness which are driving your behaviors.

The best thing to do is keep talking about your feelings about your T in therapy, so that you can understand what those feelings mean and what it is you are really looking for (it's pretty rare that our feelings about our therapists, especially romantic/erotic ones, are really about just them in the here and now).

As far as W is concerned, you may wish to sit her down and explain that with some people in therapy, they can develop very strong feelings about their therapist, seeing them as a security figure, much the way a small child would see their mother so that right now she feels very important to you. But that she is an ethical therapist and the relationship is a safe one so that you can work through what these feelings really mean and that in the end, you believe you can learn from this how to move closer in relationships which is what you want to be able to do with her.

I think it's better to be up front about what is going on because hiding it will just make it look more suspicious and feed her insecurity that something must be there since you felt the need to hide it. I have to tell you that NOTHING communicated to me that my T had the boundaries like sitting and discussing my attraction for him with him and my husband. Everyone's willingness to talk about it, made it clear that no one was trying to do anything they shouldn't be.

AG

Hi Avoidant

I am having computer trouble and can't reply too much from my phone but just wanted To empathize because I also have the same problem and know how unnerving it can be. I too spend a lot of time in fantasy land. Hopefully one day I won't have to spend so much time there. I was trying to reply on your other thread about what we tell our so s about yherspy but again had computer problems. I don't tell my h much and he doesn't ask. He's at work when I go to therapy so it's not usually an issue. I might say something occasionally about something my t said. But it is very hard living this way as I have deeper feelings right now for my t than I do for my h. It's an awful bind To be in. My h isn't into therapy and doesn't know anything about transference so I don't know how accepting he would. Be of my feelings but I do like the way AG explained it above.

I am not sure either if I want Ti stay with my h and at this point have a hard time opening up emotionally with him. It's all very complicated. But I do know how hard it is. Don't know how to stop the unconscious thoughts. Maybe by talking about them, Like AG suggested.

The truth for me is that if my t suddenly wanted a relationship outside of therapy, I'd probably run as much as I think I love him because I am not in a good spot Ti give emotionally or in other ways to someone else right now so the therapy relationship is ideal for me at the moment. And very safe. I know my t isnt going to make Demands. I wouldn't (and don't) make a very good partner for anything except for a tree. Lol!

Liese

Ps oh and btw,
The outfit sounded lovely.

Oh Liese,I am so relieved at your reply. Thank you.

You are spot on, from my other thread I alluded to the fact that I can't really talk to W. about therapy much at all. She wouldn't understand it, not about transference anyhow.

Just like you, I have much stronger feelings for T than my W right now, and again just like you, I don't know if I'm going to be staying with W either. We don't talk much about anything to be honest.

I'd probably run if T wanted any kind of relationship, but I don't know how fast!! I might just want her to catch me, the way I feel right now.

It is, as you say, really really hard to live this way. I know AG is right that that is what I should try to do, but boy, is it hard for me.

Thanks for your understanding, Liese, I needed it.

AV.

p.s. yeah, the outfit was terrific. Didn't notice the price tag though. If you're interested, I'll tell you where I saw it!!

very difficult stuff, attachments and transference. i've got a week and a half until next session and the dude probably doesn't give me much thought but i think about him all the fricking time. i went for a long bike ride yesterday and somehow he was right there with me in my head or driving by ... whatever. somehow he can "see" me and i know this is crazy and irrational but i can't get my brain to shut it out. ridiculous. but it reminds me of what happened when my childhood imaginary friend would appear. he would appear at night and would "protect" me ... watch over me. i think what that was all about was that my folks were very absent people, and i needed to feel as thought somebody WAS looking out for my well-being. since the folks didn't cut it i came up with my own solution. it may seem lame, but it worked. so now my T apparently is my protector. so, i think transference is all about unfulfilled needs or wants or even a longing for how you wanted/needed things to be, but weren't.

Hi AV,
In my experience the transference did COMPLETELY take over my mind and feelings. 24/7. I dreamt of her, she was my first thought in the morning and the last thought before I drifted off to sleep. She "came" on family holidays with me, she "came" to sports events, parties, drives, anything you can think of - if I was awake she was there. I imagined her holding me, I replayed her voice in my mind, I smelt her, I felt her. She wasn't just in my heart she WAS my heart. I was driving with my H somewhere once with her in my mind, and I was simply longing for her, when my husband turned to me and said "why are you looking so sad?" In that moment I felt guilty for ignoring my "real" life and living in this wishful fantasy. I made an excuse. Perhaps I should have told him. The thing is I know where the thoughts and feelings come from, I worked that out for myself a while ago, but how to accept them and get over them is something else. How to move on from the inner child, is what I mean by that. Well now that my T has left me I probably think about her 20/7...hmmmm some improvement. AV if there is one thing I think you should NOT do, it is to give up on you W at this stage. You are idealising things but really how much more rewarding would it be if your reality with your wife was able to progress into that same idealised state that you have for your T? Where you are able to be completely honest with her and let her know your true inner being. I'm not saying it is easy - I'm still not able to do it myself, but it seems ludicrous that we (and I include myself) should idealise and romantise about the love and acceptance of an individual who in truth is never really going to love us. Perhaps if we were to invest that same amount of time and energy into our partners (if we are blessed enough to have a long standing relationship) we would be rewarded beyond our greatest expectations. It does mean a leap in faith though, and it will take a lot of courage, but then again therapy takes courage too.

****slightly off the topic, but something I felt I needed to say to you *****

AV, only have a second, but just want to say I'm proud of you.

Hang in there friend,

Starry

BTW said it so well (just substitute "he" for she)

quote:

In my experience the transference did COMPLETELY take over my mind and feelings. 24/7. I dreamt of her, she was my first thought in the morning and the last thought before I drifted off to sleep. She "came" on family holidays with me, she "came" to sports events, parties, drives, anything you can think of - if I was awake she was there.

...and he's with me in my sleep.

Sometimes I weigh my decisions based on what I think he would say, and then I think of him as my Jiminy Cricket, know what I mean?
What boggles my mind most about all of this is that 90% of the time it is unintentional!

Starry

(((AVOIDANT)))

Sometimes I visualize my T sitting on my shoulder whispering encouraging and warm thoughts to me as I go through my day. I like to have him there with me. I don't know what it will take to get him out of my head but maybe he's where he needs to be right now. I was just doing some reading about a woman who had been in therapy but finished. She said that over time the T's voice faded and it was her own voice saying the soothing words. Sad now to think of my T's voice fading. Certainly not ready for that.

Liese

Transference with my T isn't as intense aas it used to be, but she's still there with me in my everyday life no matter what.

Sometimes I don't realize this, but I find that whenever Im stressed or have really bad anxiety, I automatically think about the times when I would just let T hold me, and we would sit in silence and all I could hear was the sund of her heartbeat. Thinking of that always grounds me, puts me at ease, and I end up getting this really goofy grin on my face that I don't realize I have lol.

For me, I think the more secure I am with T, the more I'm able to control the transference. When it was really intense and I was constantly thinking about T literally 24/7, it was when I was dealing with this internal struggle of whether or not I wanted to keep her at arms length or dive all in. The I would be angry with T during sessions for no real legitimate reason at all so I would be distant, but then I wanted her near me so badly at the same time and I would beat myself up for not being honest and I would think about her constantly and have fantasies of her rescuing me as a child etc etc.

Now that I'm in a way better place, I can recognize when the transference thoughts are getting a little too crazy and deal with everything in a healthy manner.