I don't know AH. I'm four years into a new T after being betrayed and abandoned by oldT and I still can't trust. I think whatever you do you have to know that it will be a long term commitment to recovering from this. It will take time and tiny baby steps. The new fragile trust with a new T will come and go many times before it can stay longer and longer until it is a real trust. I am not there. There is a lot of stuff to dig out from... the original traumas and the new additional trauma. It's a lot of hard work and you need a T who gets this up front and who will be okay with a long-term, fragile and dysregulated client.

I am trying to hold out hope myself that this can be done... that I can learn to trust again but there are some days when this seems impossible.

I will say that I am a lot better than I was 4 years ago. My brain has healed a lot. It's not where it was back then but it's better. I still have struggles but my T is very supportive.

You just have to believe that there is a much better place than where you are now and keep working towards that with the knowledge that you are worth every bit of the journey.

Hugs
TN

(((TN))) thank you for lending me hope. I know how hard you've worked and how far you've come in healing from that awful T. You are inspiring I hope that things keep looking up for you, you do deserve it.

(((draggers))) you are so sweet and supportive too. you also inspire me that there is hope after a bad experience. I am rooting for you too!!!

It went better than expected. My nerves were shot, but she actually might be a good fit. I was able to discern a lot more warmth and connection coming from her. I feel like it's really good that she can approach this whole situation with a completely objective perspective, and help me sort out what's from the past and what's recent. And where I'm projecting stuff or not.

One thing that she said that seemed comforting, was she said her first goal is to make me realize that I need to trust my gut. She said people with abusive histories have a pretty accurate sixth sense about people and situations (I assume from being hyper vigilant) and she told me to stop second guessing mine.

I'm holding cautious optimism...

And ditto from me to all that has been said above. I am a year behind TN (almost to the day) and similar things happened to me. Our anniversary is due TN, btw - trying not to think of it.

I realise now I trust T more and more - sometimes it is subtle and you don't notice it and then you think - wow, my feeling was different about that or how did I manage to believe her etc etc.It just kind of creeps up on ya.

But then I have the hugest ruptures with T (this one has lasted all this year - well brewing - but generally we haven't been ok) and everything goes pear shaped and I can't believe I ever trusted her EVER. Then we repair and I regain my position with her much, much quicker.

After 3 years of torrid therapy and I have thrown a lot of really yuck stuff at her, I am pretty sure she won't terminate me. I think that alone helps keep a high base for trust to build on.

SD

quote:

One thing that she said that seemed comforting, was she said her first goal is to make me realize that I need to trust my gut. She said people with abusive histories have a pretty accurate sixth sense about people and situations (I assume from being hyper vigilant) and she told me to stop second guessing mine.

AH... my T said almost the same thing to me! He told me I have good instincts about people but I need to learn to listen to those instincts and not ignore them.

Thanks for the update. It's good that she is totally objective for now until she gets the full picture. Then she will be your ally in getting past this. I hope each week gets better and better for you. And thanks for the good things you said about me. I appreciate it.

SD... yes the dreaded date is approaching again. It's not only the date but the feeling in the air, the season and the smells that trigger me at this time. My T will be away next week but thankfully back the week of the anniversary. I need someone to remind me how far I've come and to keep me stable. You hang in there and keep working that trust and the relationship.

Hugs to you both
TN

(((SD))) I'm so sorry you've also gone through this It's just the worst... healing from the original wounds is challenging enough without any added layers. It breaks my heart to hear of others who feel the pain of it- I thought it would kill me. I agree that trusting is a long process, esp after it's gone wrong before. It seems there is a lot of back and forth, testing the waters. I'm glad that things are still going forward with your T and repairs happen more quickly, that's a great sign & shows how much work you put into it. Keep hanging on!

(((TN))) I feel like it's empowering to hear that you really can trust your gut. She told me that I was trained in childhood to ignore my gut feelings and instincts, for the benefit of my abuser. And she said that the time has passed for me to listen to that conflicting training anymore, and know that I do not have to stand anymore gaslighting. It was reassuring, I hope this works, it's scary.

I know what you guys mean about anniversaries... everything seems like a reminder, it is triggering. This October will be the tough month for me. I hope to help support you guys through the tough day