There's more than one way to unlearn something like that, but in your case I think your T is suggesting that you unlearn it by changing your behavior. Start acting AS IF you cared about your body, and know that your beliefs will eventually follow.

Difficult one Jillann, I am wrapped up in ED so I have no thoughts but would be interested if anyone can advise.

Hi there, I've struggled with anorexia in the last 12 months, binge eating for the first 20 years of my life and terrible body image the whole time.

I think its too simplistic to reduce EDs to a behavioural excess or deficit. It is important to try and do things like eat well, take vitamins etc but from personal experience (and I'm writing a thesis on EDs atm) insecure attachment, neglect and abuse (physical, sexual and emotional) have a huge part to play. Many people use EDs to manage consciously overwhelming feelings or to suppress particular emotions arising.

That said, shame and self hatred is a fundamental aspect of EDs too.

So my very long winded answer is that really healing from EDs (IMHO) involves experiencing a secure enough relaitonship with your T where you can come to feel loved, valued and cared for and go through the difficult process of grieving past losses and coming to terms with difficult things that have happened in life.

But nobody can force you to do any of this. You actually have to want to get better which involves change and that can be so scary.

Hugs xx

I want to add that unlearning a belief through changing your behavior can work, but it's not always the easiest way. In the case of an ED, I think it would be like scaling a sheer cliff. Direct, but arduous. I have to agree with GE that doing the relational and processing work might be necessary...

First - BLT, Scars, and GreenEyes thanks so much for the replies. I've been thinking about this since Friday and I didn't feel any closer to an answer. I know that T is really concerned about me. She has encouraged me to see the Pdoc for meds and to see my primary care doc (that's this Fri) to discuss what long term damage I may be doing to myself. She said hopefully next week I will see that I have three people that are concerned and care about me.

BLT - I can act like I want to get better but that usually doesn't end well. It's like trying so hard to be perfect. Eventually I will eat an m&m or a piece of cake, and then all H*** will break loose. I will binge like there is no tomorrow.

GreenEyes and BLT
"So my very long winded answer is that really healing from EDs (IMHO) involves experiencing a secure enough relaitonship with your T where you can come to feel loved, valued and cared for and go through the difficult process of grieving past losses and coming to terms with difficult things that have happened in life. "

This is what I don't know how to do. I've talked about my childhood and the abuse that I've been through. But I seem to only be able to process this in my thinking brain. I do use the B/P cycle to not experience difficult emotions. But I've done it for so long I don't really know how to feel anymore. I know that sounds stupid. Ex: I've been abandoned by my siblings to care for our mother all by myself. T says I should feel angry. I can think, yes, this is a bad situation, I should feel angry. But I seem unable to feel or express that anger. Instead everytime I have to do something in the way of caring for her I want to purge. I do love her. It's just such a hard situation.

Maybe I've just had an ah-haa moment. I still don't know how to move myself to emote. (Not sure if that is a correct word)

Thanks so much. I so value the input that I get here. Y'all are great.

Jill,

I view (and sometimes viewED) my body as a thing, an object, to destroy and punish. I understand you there!

DBT may be really helpful, that is what they did at my IOP program for eating disorders (modified from being for BPD to more ED related). Still the management of emotions is paramount..

It also depends where you are in your recovery, because GE is right about needing a relationship. Not always though, I went in to my IOP program with no relationships at all - I knew my T for 1 month, and then boom met 5 different people at my IOP and started immediately - progress is slow. I figured if I had to go to therapy anyway I just wanted to get everything over with, so I did solicit getting my own care.

I think that can be a big difference in recovery - it's not that you don't want to get better or aren't ready or something but it just may not be a conviction yet and just having people concerned, as loving as it is, can't love enough in to you for a lengthy time. But you can get there, like GE is saying with trust, you will learn self love through your relationship(s).

When I first met with my dietician she said, here are the consequences of purging and told me when I do purge if I could drink a cup of electrolytes after that's the minimum she was going to ask for. My fridge is ALWAYS stocked with electrolytes and once I've gotten the emotional release/chemicals from my behavior, I drink the stuff. When I cannot eat or do not want to eat I absolutely ensure I receive vitamins and get my daily protein met with minimal calories in a liquid form. It's just stuff I've promised to do.

So... how the hell do I do that? I don't know. I thought of it as... okay I can do whatever I want to myself but I must also do these things. I'm a VERY ritualistic/habitual/planned person so I could integrate them. I wear contacts so at the end of the day if I haven't eaten I take my protein before my contacts. And I'll expose some more of my crazy to you but every morning when I get up I have to have a 16oz cup of water it helps me get started for the day, and I also drink the same thing before bed so it is no big deal to choke my night water down with a scoop of non-flavored protein powder (again gross, sometimes I'll drink almond milk but really I'm just getting it in there to have it in there). My vitamins are already part of my morning/evening med routine.

There is a wonderful bulmia support group I'm that is focused primarily on harm reduction, so after behaviors I have rituals, too and it wasn't hard to slip the Pedialyte in there.

So, if you can think of ways to add it to a routine that might help. Then it becomes something you don't have to think about and just something you do. But unlearning how to hate yourself? That takes a very long time... I often feel like I never will When I first started adding stuff to my routines it was done with a lot of disdain - but I am really weird in that I care for any of my SI type of activities (purging or otherwise) really well. I was born to be a mother (wish to heck I had kids) and I have sort of a part of me that does that for me, so I don't have to think about 'Why am I taking care of myself I'm so angry!" I'm more thinking "Oh I need to do this or that or this thing". Yea.........

I'm not sure if any of that was remotely helpful but... routinizing it instead of personalizing it or attaching emotion to it helped. Plus, while I was in recovery I felt SO MUCH GUILT whenever I did something "wrong" (oh the gifts and curses of child abuse..) that I felt at least a bit of success doing the other stuff.... which lead to less self-punishment. Regardless, I still have ED problems. A lot of people will switch their eating disorder, I've noticed. Just as feelings are being learned. When I started my IOP I was of course DSM bulimic now I'm EDNOS and probably <10 lbs from now... I'll DSM anorexic. It's a f***ing circus. I have no clue how to unlearn ED stuff until they make it so you just get calories delivered through the air without your own control.

Anyway, sorry, rambling.....