But I feel such disconnect between the life I want to live and the one that I do live. Nearing 50 years old I find I am really evaluating how do I want to spend this next portion of my life. If I am to get Alzheimer's like my mom I only have about 16 years left. Do I want to spend my last 16 years not really living?

I think it is important to consider, because if we don't even ask the question, we're not aware enough to work towards it.

I, too, wonder about my parents mortality and what impact that will have on my life. I can't help but think of the age each of them died and calculate the "range" of years I have left. 8-20. Of course, it is non-productive to think this way, so I don't base decisions on it. I do have their genes though. Still, getting older does make one focus more acutely on time left...however much that might be.

I read something not too long ago about someone who was preparing to get Alzheimer's. She noticed that her mother was able to do physically based tasks that she had done for many years - such as crocheting. This woman was consciously teaching herself how to do some of these things, so her quality of life would be better if she did, indeed, get Alzheimer's. She was making a decision about how she wanted to live her life.

Feeling the disconnect between your present life and what you'd like it to be can only be changed by you. I think the best way is to make little goals. Even teeny tiny goals. I know so many people who've said that they wished they had started college ten years ago, even just taking one class at a time. Then ten years flew by, and it feels like time wasted. I'm not saying that you're wasting your life. I know you're not from what you post. But it may be time to make those little changes. Smile at everyone you see out in public for a month. Get up 15 minutes early for some "me time." Initiate date night with your hubby. (That might be a big one. ) Start a two minute meditation practice every morning before things get chaotic. See how it feels after a month.

I truly believe we can make changes that make a difference in our lives. It's a decision. Yes, I do know how (for me) depression and anxiety can knock the wind out of me. But I can take the blows, pick myself up and try again.

I think I do want to live the live I'd like to live. And I think it may be possible. Heck, I can see the changes as I look back on my life. I'm clean and sober. I lost a bunch of weight. I've developed values that guide how I live my life. I've survived seemingly unsurvivble events. It hasn't been easy - not by a long shot. But I keep trying. It's all I can do.

I truly believe that everyone of us here can work towards the life we want to live. If we are conscious about it.

Big hugs to Ms. Drags and Jillann.



-RT

i adore Krista Tippet and "On Being"!!! i am a newspaper carrier and every early Sunday morning i tune in to that program. LOVE IT!

a regular saying of my T (who's pretty smart, btw ): "practice dying".

Draggers! Work towards dying? Shoot no. Just the opposite. Work towards living the life we want to live. (Yes, I get a bit morbid considering my gene induced termination, but I don't get all wrapped up in that.)

That said, I don't think it's so bad to think about the end of life. After watching my mother's horrible experience in the hospital and dying, I wrote a document that outlines how I want to be cared for and where my boundaries were - even at those last weeks, days or moments. I consider it preparing for the final days of my living as none of us knows when death will come. Getting things in order. I don't dwell on it, but I do think about it.

Drags - didn't know you have a degenerative illness - just one more thing to deal with, eh? I admire you for trying to living "every second as if its your last." Something we should all do.

-RT

drags, i don't if you're referring to my T's quote "practice dying". he most definitely doesn't mean "work towards dying"! heavens, no! he means exactly what you mean, which is to live life in each moment and enjoy your experience in the NOW! to appreciate your relationships with others, to appreciate yourself, all your emotions and thoughts and experiences .... they are what they are! there is no cause for judgement. life is too short for that.

Hey You!

No apology needed.

(((Drags)))