It's the detachment I think, it allows them to separate us from themselves and us from others.

Sadly, and this may be very triggering, my T says that there are just some clients you have more of a connection with. So there are other personal factors that contribute to separating clients: types of issues, counter transference or identification, detail of T notes, Ts memory, etc.

When I teach and know 100 people at my company I remember most of them, and a little about them. Even better with the most recent ones, or ones I see repeatedly,

Very true. I suppose chemistry factors in too.
Thanks.

Veryhopeful... you sound like you have a really good T and he sounds very much like my T. My T tells me that no one else has the unique relationship that he and I have. What I mean is not that I'm special in any way but what we talk about, the chemistry between us and our personalities are unique to US. Our relationship is ours and has nothing to do with his other clients (and yeah I still don't like his other clients ). My T does take a short break between clients and he is usually returning calls then. It takes him only a few minutes to switch gears. I don't think that means his clients don't impact him but I do think he is good and experienced at compartmentalizing. Although he did admit to me once when I told him that he seemed "off" that there was something going on that may have distractd him. I guess he's human too LOL.

TN

TN....I was thinking of you today when I was walking. You posted thoughts on 4/9 about "What's the Point" of therapy. It sounded like I wrote that post. I completely understand your feelings, and can they be overpowering!! (don't you dare quit). Your Ts response sounded just like my T would have answered and has because I threaten to quit all the time.I journal about the experience. When I read back on the material, I cannot believe how I have grown! Shocking to me! I have thought, in the past, from how you write about your T he is very much like mine also. We do have good ones. Maybe the same one..haha! People of our nature need strong, experienced people. I kind of do feel special to him; he once said that I was special "jokingly", but I think there was an element of truth to it and he was stretching the boundary a bit. He does a lot of stretching boundaries with me and has me figured out pretty well. I do put him through the wringer. He has put a lot of time and attention on how to handle me and I credit him for that feat!

quote:

We all want to feel important to them but are we really?

I do believe we are important to them, and I do believe they love us, but I don't believe they need us, not the way we need them. Maybe that contributes to the feeling of the relationship being more intense for us than them?

I do understand that feeling of having only one of "him" and he has many clients like "me" but can you imagine how they would cope if they felt as intensely for us as we do for them? I don't think it would be possible and I think it would indicate that they are using therapy to meet their needs.

I've never worried that much about the other clients because I feel what I have with my P is unique and also unexpected because I overcame major hurdles to allow myself to grow close to him, after a bad therapy relationship. He has told me his feelings are involved in our relationship, not just his professional expertise, and he's also asked that I allow myself to accept his care and love. That's probably as close as he'll ever come to saying the "L" word!

He does have about 10-15 min between clients and I believe he uses that time to update his notes. I always feel as if he's very present with me, and has never mentioned being distracted by a current client. He once told me that I was a forgiving person, probably when we were working through a problem in the relationship, and when I questioned why he said that he said a client had fired him because he answered his phone during a session.

have you ever asked your T how he transitions so quickly from one client to another?

Thanks for your input Summer. My T has never actually verbalized he cares or loves me. He has said "Do you really think I don't care?" But, he won't come out and say "I care about you." But the evidence is clear that he really cares and I keep trying to convince myself he doesn't...I have such a hard time accepting I could matter to someone. He has gone above and beyond and is available 24/7....But, I just want to live with him. That would solve everything...right? Being completely ignored as a child is very damaging. He transitions so quickly from client to client due to 35 years experience. He is a very accomplished man.

Hi Veryhopeful,
I just put up a post on my blog in order to respond to your question. Thanks for permission to quote you!

One Among Many

I hope you find it helpful. And hopeful.

AG

AG, Very nice post. Glad to have inspired such a response. Being so emotionally deprived is something very difficult to work through as an adult (let alone, admit it or say it out loud) but that's just it...the key to effective therapy...having the courage to walk through the fire(s) and learn a "new" way to be. The therapist is the guide, the teacher, (the treasure in my case) and he will always be in my heart and soul. I am finally beginning to believe I do matter to him much more than I realize.I think I've grown two feet taller since I began therapy. My T does share with me many of his thoughts about me and it has sparked some lively exchanges. He is a brave Indian to do so because he's said to me "If I say one wrong word to you, you're never coming back here"....and he is right. I think it's been equally as difficult for him to treat me because of the "way" I am. And, the work we are doing is very important to BOTH of us. A very special relationship! It is real.

I wonder about this all the time too!! It really makes me happy to hear him say he cares. He actually does come out and say "I care about you" I've never questioned it but I think some people don't because like me, they don't want to. They want to take the words and hold on to them with all your might and run them through your head when you feel alone or isolated.

I've wondered if maybe I gave him something (I actually had something in mind.) that he could hold onto and it would make me stand out. Even remind him of me when I'm not there or after I'm gone. Something that another person could point out and he'd say, "I got that from someone" and it would be me. I'm ranting... and crazy.

The biggest thing we can struggle with is trusting our T and what they say. Taking their words and advice to heart can be hard. I think they day you believe what they say and the day you believe that they care about you as a person, is the day you really know that you have connected to your T.

Eiko, you are lucky your T actually says he cares about you. I WISH I would hear that, verbally. He just won't say it, but I have to admit, his actions speak louder than words. I just would love to hear it, though. He has said that he gives a lot of time and thought to how difficult this has been for me and how to "handle" me, cuz, I know I am a handful and he is masterful at this dance with me. It is so hard sometimes to believe we are important and right now, I not feeling it from him. Stinks when this kicks in.

quote:

I've wondered if maybe I gave him something (I actually had something in mind.) that he could hold onto and it would make me stand out. Even remind him of me when I'm not there or after I'm gone.

Eiko... On our six month anniversary I gave my T a battery candle that is in a hurricane type holder with a leaf etched onto the front of the glass (we met in the Fall). It has a timer that turns it on everyday at my appointment time. My T loved it and has nothing else on his shelves like it. He often tells me he likes it because it makes him think of me, especially when it turns on automatically. I like that it's lit when I'm not there. It's like I left an important part of me there with him. I chose a candle because I think of my T as my light. He lit the darkest darkness for me when there was no other light.

AG... that was a great blog post and made some very important points. Thanks veryhopeful for being the inspiration.

TN

TN, thanks for the compliment. Now....WHERE can I get that candle??? I love that whole idea; just perfect...the timer, etc!! I don't know if I would have the guts to give it to him, though. I am so afraid of rejection. I love to give peole tokens from me, yet I cringe that they would think I'm kooky. The other week I gave him three jewel-toned daisies, from my kitchen table. I almost left them in the car, but took the chance. The colors were awesome and I wanted to share with him. I wondered if he tossed them when I left.

TN: That sounds soooo amazing!! My idea stemmed from when he pushed me from weekly to bi-weekly. (hate it!) He told me to use what would be my therapy time for myself, he suggested taking a walk. On my walk, I actually found a four leaf clover and he was the first person I thought of.

I held onto it and I want to give it to him but it seemed like a silly gift. I also ate breakfast on my own that day and it was then I wrote my letter to him about my confusing transference feelings.

Very: I always appreciate that he says that to me. It makes up for the fact that there's not touch between us at all. I've always tied touch with affection (even though my family never touches which is why I feel isolated) and because we don't have that his words are the only thing that reassure me in my worst times.

My T's office is very businesslike and formal... except for his large bookcases. Filled with books but also on the shelves are gifts given to him by his clients. So I knew he would accept a small gift from me. I have given him a number of gifts, mostly to mark our anniversary when we met. Sometimes I bring him a small token from my vacations. I always keep it inexpensive and appropriate. It usually represents something in our relationship. Last year I brought him a small weathered gray stone I found in St. Maarten on the beach. He always wears gray so it reminded me of him LOL.

As for the candle... those battery powered candles are sold in the big box stores like Lowe's and Home Depot and the home shopping channels too.

I would suggest that you both talk to your T's about transitional object and how they feel about getting small gifts. It's a good conversation to have and it has different meanings for each of us.

TN