Giant Hugs ((((((((((GE)))))))))

I hear your stress and how hard it feels. How overwhelming and trapped it all can seem with so many demands on your life, and at the same working so hard to heal.

quote:

Is the key to this accepting that I have very little pragmatic support, through no fault of my own, and structuring my life and self expectations around that sad and enraging fact? I feel like i would be accepting defeat, that finally there is the proof of how defective and shameful and unloveable I am.

First, I want to gently challenge your reasoning that links your stress, demands, responsibilities, and life situation (that lack of practical support) to your intrinsic worth, value, loveableness. It has nothing to do with that! Yet I know how easy it is to feel that way when we feel so trapped and stuck with seeming no way out. I am sure all this links to stuff from the past and not ever feeling supported. The whole helplessness thing that marks trauma. Trying to separate the two is so hard, yet you do have choices and support now.

You are engaged in so much: being a mom, being a wife, housekeeping, raising a toddler, working, going to school, and doing therapy!!! No wonder you are so exhausted and worn out! I think that in addition to all the amazing hard work you are doing with T to resolve and process your trauma, you also do have to try to look at how you can manage all the other things. I think it is about self assessment and re-structuring, just like you said above. Looking at what you can and can't "control" or change, to modify where you can make adjustments, and to not beat yourself up where you can't change what is there. And, where at all possible, trim back and build in a consistent self care program for yourself. You so need that especially now.

Perhaps when you get the babysitting support back the constant stress will lessen a little. Also, given that you have the thesis deadline looming, that most definitely adds a major layer to the stress--been there, done that and it is hell! BUT, it will all come together and finally be completed and that will be one less demand on you.

Most important I just want to say to be kind to yourself, please don't beat yourself up and make all the pressures and frustrations be a personal attack on yourself. You are too special and wonderful and loveable! Hang in there

(((GE)))

It IS a lot. I can tell you that I couldn't do all you are doing. The three little ones, the house, and therapy are challenging enough if I added in school and a job I'm sure something would have to go and my sanity would probably be the first. And things *always* look so much harder when you are struggling with a sick kid, sleep deprivation, and are sick yourself.

Sometimes you just can't do it all and have to cut where you can. Maybe cut yourself some slack on the housework? It's nice to leave in a clean and neat environment, but sometimes rest and the mental space to do something that relaxes you and isn't a chore (bubble bath, watch a movie, read a novel?) is sooo much more important. You can always catch up on cleaning later. I don't know if you are like me, but that can weigh on me so much and I sometimes have to force myself not to care so I can recover a little mental health.

((amber)) ((sp)) ((hic))
thank you for your thoughtful, compassionate and supportive comments

amber, there is no doubt my current situation is reawakening old trauma that I need to attend to. The challenge is that the difficulties straddle the past and the present. it is very hard to exist happily without a few sources of solid reliable and practical support options. Thank your for affirming my loveability and worth, you're pretty great yourself

SP, hi i'm not sure we've met
thank you for reaching out and understanding how hard it is to parent a small child without much support. i'm really sorry its something you can relate to so closely. my MIL helps out with my son so why it might look pretty on the surface, she is a controlling and nosy nightmare who behaves like a baby a lot of the time. mostly she creates more problems than helps. we do occasionally pay for help but it's not the same. i have no idea how you managed your kids when they were little considering how close in age, how ill, and how poorly they both slept. I appreciate your empathy and understanding of how rageful and resentful i feel. i'm not one to go beat stuff up though i can certainly see the appeal.

hic - thanks for understanding how nuts it is looking after little kids especially when they're sick and the whole house is sleep deprived. i can deal with dust, but i can't stand mess and clutter and i can't relax in a chaotic environment (there's plenty of internal chaos for me to try and contain). I do know that once my thesis is submitted i will be laying on the couch watching a dvd, reading my kindle or sleeping every afternoon while my son sleeps until Christmas!

I'm in a much better space today and I suspect this is to do with a) having a little break from my thesis; b) my son's improving sleep, health and merriment; c) some nice weather and family time.

But what really made the difference was an aunt who took me out for lunch today as a belated birthday present. Someone actually taking the time to treat me to a nice meal and a chat seemed to help so much. So maybe a lot of this has to do with never having had a mom or dad and never having been someone's daughter. Not having someone to care for me and spoil me a bit when I'm having a hard time. Unfortunately this is not an aunt I can rely on to be there for me that way. It seems so sad to me that something so simple, that was so immensely helpful, is just not routinely available. Because I get a glimpse of how much happier I would be if that was the case. However you can't force people to love you, care about you and take the time. Most people are wrapped up in their own lives and kids so for adult orphans or those with dysfunctional families, we seem to get left behind and forgotten a lot. Its so sad

(((GE))) You've gotten so much good feedback that there's not much to add, but I did want to say that I don't think the lack of support has anything to do with your worth. The woman I know you to be is insightful, introspective, courageous beyond belief, kind and compassionate. One of the wonderful things that gradually emerges as we heal is our ability to "see" and connect with healthier people, people that we can depend on because they know they can depend on us in turn.

I also think that tackling a toddler, thesis, and therapy all at once would make anyone overwhelmed. Unfortunately, I know life doesn't always give us perfect timing. But this too shall pass. Hang in there.

AG

((GE)) hearing you... I'm so sorry you are stuck... I don't have near the responsibilities you do, but I live alone... so I do know what it is like in a way to have no support with anything (no one to help cook, clean, pick you up when you lay down and give up for a bit, etc). It will and can change... it just takes such a dreadful long time. I'm sorry you're feeling defective and unloveable I don't find that true about you at all.