I write letters to T pretty regularly. More frequently at the beginning of our work. Not all letters were seen by T, some were just kept in my journal.

Any time I wrote a letter that was shared with T, either I read it in session, or handed it to T to read in session. That's the only way my T lets it be. No email. I haven't mailed anything because I know that if I did, T would not even open it until I was there, and I'd end up opening it and either reading it or handing it to T to read. Boundaries set that up way from the get go.

I do send mail to the therapist and she usually does bring it up at appointments. I use mail rather than email because I do not want a response from her, I use it to get things away from me. I write them and send them off and then I can go on with my life until the appointment because the info in the letter is away from me until then. I hope this makes sense.

I have only ever sent my Ts cards (a thank you, or a holiday one, etc)

My T would say thank you or bring it up or I would.

My other T would just say nothing. I don't think she found it inappropriate, just doesn't give a damn.

If I wrote a letter, she definitely would bring it up if it were anything therapy related. If I have written to her, which I rarely, rarely do, then she would realise it was because it was either really important, or so difficult that I couldn't say it....If it were a thank you or a card, she'd probably say thank you and leave it at that.

starfishy

argh!! i just got done typing up a nice response, and somehow managed to delete it all!!! grrrrrrr there should be an 'undo' available on the toolbox.

TAS, are you referring to something i wrote on another thread? if it is, i don't mind the reference. i have written emails, sent a Christmas card with nice sentiments written inside, and have brought lists and/or notes about stuff i wanted to talk about in session. one email in particular kind of was for the purpost of what stoppers said ... to get it away from me and also to open doors for discussion in session. that's the one that he menioned it, but didn't talk about it, nor did i . looking back on it, that was a lost opportunity for some good discussion .

the few times i brought things in on paper, he would read them and maybe make a short comment or two, then sit there and wait for me to talk about it! ugh. like, i wrote it down and now you want me to discuss it! i have a hard time going from real-life mode to therapy mode, and i have a hard time staying in the present moment and feeling while in therapy, so writing things down while i'm going through the feelings outside of therapy has been really helpful. he's never indicated that i was acting out by doing so. it's been a helpful tool for me.

i don't remember hearing about any T's that have thought about letter-writing as acting-out. has your T said that? if he did, i'd be interested in knowing why he thought that.

that didn't come out as well as my first attempt i hate when that happens!

(((stoppers))) i like what you wrote. it makes a lot of sense to me.

Hi, CD.

Thanks for sharing your experience with written communication. i just had a HUGE rupture with my T because she didn't bring up/talk about something really important that I wrote to her. This seemed rude (for lack of a better description) and manipulative and just...unnatural to me. When one person communicates, wouldn't you expect the other one to respond? But from your comment and a few others I've seen, I'm starting to think this silence from the T is a standard procedure.

It is extremely triggering for me though, because it's something my dad did--pretending I had never brought up a topic or request, forcing me to be brave enough to bring it up again, and then saying "Oh yes, of course. Why didn't you just say so...?" I don't know that makes sense, but for someone like me, who lacks assertiveness, this passive approach by the T feels...cruel. But I guess that's something I have to get over if I'm going to continue with T.

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. it gave me lightbulb moment

RabbitEars

i agree, RabbitEars, i felt as though it was rude and dismissive as well. i STILL feel that way, but on reflection i think it's a learning tool. God! therapy is hard! i am also very non-assertive and non-confrontational, so this is really hard stuff! i feel for you, RE. we'll get there!!

oh thanks, CD! I'm glad i'm not the only one or just hypersensitive about the whole thing. I went crazy-angry with my T! I've never done that before. Rabid Rabbit! Gee, you'd think if I could get that mad, I could just be assertive instead, but no....

one complication: my T retaliated with angry words and, well, I don't know how to deal with that.

Thanks also for mentioning that you still feel the same way about it. I don't think I'll ever really accept that the non-response was a good idea. So I guess, if I can, I just have to move past it. For me, therapy and traumatic grief are the two hardest things I've ever done. Painful beyond belief.

RabbitEars

I have written my T a few letters.

She will acknowledge them in session, and has often said that she enjoys my writing, but will never bring up the subject of the letter, she wants me to bring that up to her.

It used to piss me off, but now I get it.



I have also written a few poems directly related to my relationship with her, and she says my writing is a gift but that's the extent of it. Sometimes, I'm ok with that response, sometimes not.


blu

See...I don't understand that...isn't writing the letter bringing it up? Sometimes it is easier to write things out than it is to talk about...but at least it is a step in the right direction...

Also, yes, Closed Doors, I was referencing you... I just didn't want to mention you without requesting your okay...

I have read strictly psychodynamic therapists will not even open the letter until they see you and they believe (some, not all) it is an attempt to break the frame...not sure why...

The only letters T has brought up are the ones where I said I have to quit...I have to go...I don't know how many times I have written him saying, "If you won't send me away, then I have to go..." UGH. Still there. Still saying the same thing. UGH.

I've journaled and then sent those journals to T. Well, at first I was printing them and bringing them in, so he could see how I was processing between sessions. He encouraged that, and later emailing, and said it was really helpful to him. They were never discussed outside of sessions at all.

When we were doing Skype (voice only) sessions once a week, we'd use that time to go over the journals together. When we started meeting in person instead of those Skype sessions, we would often still discuss them, at least to the point where I felt he understood what I said. Sometimes he would not bring one up, but it seems like he always printed them out (except when they got lost in SPAM-land) and actually underlined and took notes on them.

I offered that he didn't have to read at the beginning of every single journal and also offered constantly to stop sending them, but he always said they were so helpful. Sometimes when he would try to bring them up to go over, I would freak out, but slowly I was able to deal with discussing what was in them whenever he brought it up. Then, the journals (which were written kind of in letter format) became less and less frequent, and finally, I've only written one in several months, to delicately communicate a fear I was having about what seemed like his ambivalence about billing.

My T always encouraged me about my writing, saying it was "so great," and "wonderful," and "deep." It helped me be less afraid about being misunderstood or (as happened a lot growing up) being told I said things I never did or hadn't said things I was sure I did. It was important to my growth at the time to be able to share in that format, and then explore it together verbally after I had processed everything (I process best in writing). However, I consider it a huge blessing to now just be able to talk to my T and share what is going on with me, even if it takes a little more time and effort to do things that way. The growth seems to be much quicker through that direct relating than it ever did through writing to him.

This is one of a number of things I feel really sensitive about my T providing, because although the way we work has helped me so much, it feels like he does and cares too much, and even if it helps me, I'm in trouble for "making" him stretch for me in that way. I frequently have fantasies about quitting to save him from me. I have actually begged him NOT to accommodate me or offer anything extra, because I feel so rotten a bout it.

I completely relate to what you wrote Anonymously.