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Oh, Coco... I could have written this post.
I have two friends who I talk to about therapy....both of them are in therapy too, and sometimes I get so excited if they want to have a long conversation about it. But I think I hold back telling them what is really going on because I am so embarrassed of being that vulnerable and what if they don't feel the same way about their t.'s? And I just want to go on and and on and on and what if they get bored of the conversation or think I am crazy to be obsessed with therapy? I really struggle with this too... I wish I had a therapy support group where everyone just analyzed every minute of their therapy sessions.
How come some people can go to therapy once a week and it is totally not a big deal from them, they get what they need and that's that? And some people, like us, it is more obsessing about therapy and the attachment for hours on end!?
I find it really does help when I can have these genuine conversations with friends... maybe find one friend who is in therapy who you can start to open up to a little bit?
- Tessa

My friends at school get it more than my family mostly cos they were the ones who saw me at my worst and were actually really happy that I was in therapy! Thankfully I'm able to talk to them since my BFF is in therapy as well and actually has the same T as me (thought it would be a problem but it wasn't after all) and most of the time they understand. Of course there are still a number of things that are just between me and T, but it's nice to have a group of people that I can share in my growth with.

Hi Coco,

I'm really lucky to have three different friends who I can talk to almost as much as I want to about therapy, and then I also have a few second tier backup people in my life who know about it, and who would listen, but who I don't rely on as much.

For some reason, I think that it's like this for me because I am older. I am braver about expressing who I am, and my friends have had a bunch of life experiences that make them understanding and non-judgmental. I suppose it also helps that they have either been in therapy themselves or are in it now. Still, none of them seem to have a therapy experience like mine, and that worries me sometimes. On the other hand, there are plenty of folks here who do seem to be having therapy experiences like mine(thank god!), so I don't feel as alone or as different as I would if I hadn't found this forum.

I also think that through therapy, I have made closer connections to these friends in general. My therapist one day suggested that I try to make deeper connections with people. I'm not sure how I did it, but little by little I took chances on just sometimes telling them how I was really feeling, even if it didn't make sense or I thought it was stupid or I felt bad for changing my mind about how I felt all the time. They never balked at it, and we somehow grew closer. That is what then allowed me to find out that I could tell them more and more about this weird, important, sometimes agonizing, sometimes amazing relationship I am in with a therapist.

I don't know if I'm making any kind of suggestion, but that's how it was for me.

Like you, I think about therapy a lot--almost constantly for the first three or four days after each of my weekly sessions, and then of course, the day before and the day of, so I understand how hard it is to not be able to tell people in your life what's on your mind. Maybe your T could give you some ideas about how to make deeper connections with the people in your life?

By the way, pretty much all of the people who know about my relationship with my therapist think that I should leave him already and find one who is better for me and who doesn't cause me such angst! So I haven't done a good job explaining transference or attachment because I'm not really sure about it myself. To them, it's like they think I have a bad boyfriend and can't break up. But STILL, they support me and know that I will do it (or not) when I am ready. And they let me talk about it when I need to and often ask me about it, and I don't overload them with it. I also write in a journal about therapy and that helps.

Not sure how much help this is, but good luck. You're not alone.

Quell

Hi Coco,

I feel ashamed to say this on the O.F. but as a 50+ year old guy who doesn't have a friend, ANY friend, to talk to about therapy, I don't know if I could if I had any. My issues with AvPD over the decades have left me friendless today, although I have aquaintences at work etc. I don't tell them anything about my sessions although some of them know I have therapy purely on a need to know basis.

I can't talk to my S.O. about it either to any extent due to the walls I've put round myself with her. I guess it would be a relief to talk to other people about sessions, but i can't imagine for a moment anyone "getting" transference if they hadn't lived through it.

I keep it all inside me, or just between me and T, although it's good to let some of it out on these forums. My lack of self confidence and fear of ridicule stops me from saying too much I guess.

Best wishes

Avoidant

Thanks Muff, TessaSnow, Diva, Quell, Avoidant. This is a difficult topic for me, thanks for your opinions.

quote:

How come some people can go to therapy once a week and it is totally not a big deal from them, they get what they need and that's that?

I feel like this all the time! I have two friends who are also in therapy and I am sure this is exactly what it's like for them- they get what they need and no big deal! It's so unfair.

I have actually tried talking about therapy witht them (just a little) and even tried to ask them if they ever felt curious about their Ts, etc. One of them tried to tell me how she saw her T but I could tell she didn't know what I mean. And I'm pretty sure the other one just thought I was nuts! So I probably won't be doing that again.

Maybe I will try talking to another friend...but it's not like I have millions of friends who I would feel comfortable with this. Maybe one or two others and then if I can't make a deeper connection with them, I will feel even more lost.

((((COCO))))

Just want to chime in and say that therapy can be so isolating in this regard. I do have one local friend who has never been in therapy but she's worked in human resources and is very open minded and hip. I can talk to her but sometimes I think she feels like she is suspending reality a little bit in order to really try to understand me and get where I am at. She worries about my feelings for my T.

I also have two childhood friends that I can discuss therapy with. Same with them, though, they've never been in therapy themselves. But definitely curious and open minded about it all. Though I only talk to them several times a year.

Other than that, I would never bring the subject up with any of my acquaintances. They just all see rigid to me and I'm not so sure they would get it.

And so even with some support, I still find it a very isolating experience and can see why this forum is so great in that regard. I can also see the benefit of a transference support group. Not sure how that would really work but could see that it might be helpful.

I hope seeking support here and talking about it here will help you. I know it has helped me a lot.



Liese

Thanks, Liese!

Yes, talking about things on here does help.

And I love the idea of a transference support group! That would be SOOOOO helpful.

quote:

How come some people can go to therapy once a week and it is totally not a big deal from them, they get what they need and that's that? And some people, like us, it is more obsessing about therapy and the attachment for hours on end!?

i've often thought this. it's not fair!!! i suppose it's something to do with attachment style? i'd be interested in other peoples' opinions on this.

a co-worker friend knows i go to therapy, but i don't discuss ANY of it with her as i don't think she would understand. old high-school friends don't even know i go to therapy. i'm pretty close to my sister and i have told her some things and hinted at the strong transference feelings, but i don't think she would understand, either. and as close as i am to her, i've told my T SO much more than my sister knows about things that have happened in my life, and i think that's because in my relationship with my sister there is no room for certain aspects of me, but with T i have more room than i know what to do with. and that's the blow. when i think about ending therapy i'm afraid i will NEVER have another relationship where i feel as held as i feel when i'm in therapy. this makes me crazy.

great question, Coco! thanks!

quote:

How come some people can go to therapy once a week and it is totally not a big deal from them, they get what they need and that's that? And some people, like us, it is more obsessing about therapy and the attachment for hours on end!?

Man, I don't know how many times I've asked myself this question! Maybe I should ask T instead. FWIW, she has said that ALL of her clients have insecure attachment styles, and yet she has also said that some clients don't feel the need for any outside contact whatsoever. Similarly, my DH has a strongly preoccupied/anxious attachment style, and yet he has never to my knowledge had an attachment to any T (and he's been in therapy for many years with several different T's). DH's transference stuff from his parents seems to end up on ME, but never his T's, to my endless frustration

So yeah, basically I have no idea...

(((COCO))))

Now that I'm thinking about it, I've been in therapy before and this didn't happen. It just might be that at this point in my life (and yours?) I'm so low on fuel? I also happened to have really liked my last T, a woman, whom I left and this T. Probably liked them more than any of the other T's I've seen in the past. I bet that has something to do with it, their personal appeal? charisma?

The other 6 were decent human beings but a bit quirky and turned me off in their own way.

((((BLT))))

I'm sorry your DH transfers his stuff onto you and not his T's. It sounds frustrating.


I find that people just don't talk about their therapists. When I was pregnant, everyone talked about their OB/GYN's and who they went to, etc. But people are quieter about their therapists. If they did talk about them, it would be so much easier to get support. It's such an isolating experience no matter which way you look at it, isn't it?

(((Liese)))

I am certainly low on fuel at this point in my life. Everything seems like such a big effort. Especially trying to connect with friends in a way that I haven't really done before. I always thought I had a good support system... then I started therapy and realized I can't really talk to anyone and actually show them any of the negative emotions I am feeling. I can relate facts and tell stories, but I don't put the emotions into it unless it is a story from the distant past. And now, with therapy there are many things I could never talk about at all with my friends. It is so isolating.

But, I CAN talk to my T. I feel a deep connection with her. She is afraid I will (or maybe already have) become dependent on her... I am not sure if it is truly dependence, or if it is just the exploration of a new part of life that I am not accustomed to, so I am clinging to her to sort of guide me through it while it's still so new and scary.

Only my best friend knows I'm in therapy, it would never cross my mind to mention it to any of my other friends or acquaintances. I feel that around the people I know mental health is still a big stigma, I don't want people wondering what is wrong with me, it would make me feel really unsafe. I think you have to go through it to really understand, and even then some experiences would be difficult to relate to.

My best friend is quite open minded but even with him I'm careful about what I share, I only speak of therapy in general terms. Whenever I'm upset about T he gives me the "why do you care so much, he's only a guy you pay to listen to your problems".

As for the transference, he thinks it's kinky and that I should go for younger guys instead.

Coco,

quote:

I always thought I had a good support system... then I started therapy and realized I can't really talk to anyone and actually show them any of the negative emotions I am feeling

Totally relate to that.

Eliana, your best friend has a wicked sense of humor. LOL! He sounds like a keeper.

quote:

As for the transference, he thinks it's kinky and that I should go for younger guys instead.

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:


Eliana, your best friend has a wicked sense of humor. LOL! He sounds like a keeper

He is brilliant Liese! I would marry him if he wasn't the gayest guy on Earth.

Since therapy is such a huge part of my life, I find that the words, 'my therapist' and 'therapy' come out sometimes without thinking. But I have been proud to seek professional help and admit I need it. When my depression was so bad I cried at 'hello,' a neighbor invited me out to meet at Starbucks. The third time I wasn't crying anymore, but I guess still talking/sharing with her. Her response before we left, "You are so open, aren't you afraid of what people will think?" It had a negative tone, but the answer is, "No, I am who I am and want to surround myself with only accepting people.

The most recent time was a gal I'm the neighborhood, our girls are friends from school. She came to my house to drop her daughter off, and we got talking, and out slipped that 'T' word. I thought for sure I had lost a potential friend, because I felt very comfortable, and now told her something that has a stigma attached to it. Well several months later when dropping her DD off for a playmate, she says, "Do you want to meet up for lunch next week?" I was so excited... We met up. Twice now. This second time she told me her oldest daughter had seen a counselor that really helped her. She also said if I take a break in therapy and get sad, to call her. I'm feeling very hopeful I found a lifelong friend here.

Also a friend of mine has a seven year old who rages and says he wants to die ... We have talked. Maybe if she hadn't of known I was in therapy, she wouldn't have come to me when she needed a friend.

Now that I think about it, the friends I do have, far away online ones, and in-state ones all know something about therapy to some degree. But, I've recently only told two of my transference. One who has had therapy, she doesn't understand it, so I will mention how I am feeling but nothing more now. I guess my new neighbor friend is the only one I have told where she sort of understood and even seemed like I could turn to her.

Good question to think about.

edited to fix spelling (did orig post on ipod)

I tell my friends very little. Only one of my friends (who is actually my ex-husband) has ever been in therapy and even he only did it short-term, so they just don't get how I can talk to a complete stranger about private and intimate stuff. Ha, partly because he IS a complete stranger - it's not like my friends actually listen to me. I'm the one everyone talks to, and then when they feel better, off they go, leaving me dealing with my own crap and weighed down under all the crap they dumped on me as well.

But that's partly my doing as I just can't talk properly to anyone. I was raised to keep everything behind closed doors, threatened that if I ever said anything to anyone about anything I'd be sent to a children's home where I'd be abused. Or I'd be locked up in a mental institution because I was unstable and was just lucky my parents loved me enough to take care of me and let me stay in their home. That one right there is why I never tell T when I'm suicidal, I'm so afraid he'll have me locked me up.

(((((Landa)))
I'm so sorry to hear about how it's hard to tell your T about feeling suicidal. I don't have a lot of experience with this, but I do know what it's like to expect a certain reaction from T even when I have no previous indication that she would react that way at all. And every time, when I eventually tell her what I don't want to tell her, she is kind and compassionate and responds in such a loving way. After all, they are there to help us, right?

(((Ninn)))

quote:

I am who I am and want to surround myself with only accepting people.

This sounds so healthy to me, and something that I strive for. But I'm not sure how to get there. I was taught (indirectly) growing up to not only care what everyone thinks of me, but also to always put on my best face and never cause others to worry. Always be polite (and non-aggressive/assertive), always follow all the rules, always do better than your best, never let people see you doing something society wouldn't approve of, etc. etc. etc. After all, "what would the neighbors think?"

I am trying to tell myself that I don't care what the neighbors think, I only care what I think! Easier said than done. Because caring about what I think means I have to actually KNOW what I think. It's all so connected and so tangled up.

Coco, I have cared. I just don't anymore. Or that is just my defensive reaction, honestly, there's a voice (but tiny) in me that does care still. But having other supportive people, even a depression peer support group, helps. And, really, many neighbors are nice and all and I can talk to them and be nice, but they are not 'friends.' With that said, I'm not telling people my diagnosis....that is a bit too personal. I can say depression, but not anything with the word 'disorder' at the end. And I think it might be similar to what you are saying about not knowing what you think...my diagnosis or lack of a way to prove it (not just being an opinion of a T or P) has me not knowing what to think a lot. I think it adds to my anxiety ...

**Possible SU triggers**

Landa,

I'm so sorry that you feel afraid to tell your T when you're suicidal, but just you saying you're suicidal doesn't mean your T will have you sent to the hospital. I've told my T on many occasions when I'm feeling suicidal and she's never threatened to have me involuntarily hospitalized. We've always talked about it (the feelings), as in depth as I'm able to handle, and she's always stayed extremely compassionate and willing to help me figure it out without having to go to a hospital. The most drastic thing she's ever done is gone with me to the pharmacy to help me work out a situation where I would just get one pill at a time for a while until I was out of the toughest part. The biggest thing that I've appreciated about how my T reacts when I'm suicidal is that she seems to really trust me. She trusts me when I say that I don't think I need to be hospitalized or that I won't act on anything (even if I do have a plan - which I have had various ones for a long time).

That being said - telling my T, for the first time, when I was suicidal was really terrifying, but it's been immeasurably helpful to be able to share it with her (and, ironically, I will be having another conversation with her about this on Friday after being fine for quite a while).

Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and mention that. I don't know your T, so maybe he won't react like that, but any T worth his/her salt certainly will. Hugs to you.

Coco,

Great topic, because it's interesting to read how we all differ in how much we share with others. I have two friends that know I'm in therapy, and the only reason they know is because they first told me they were in therapy and then I felt safe enough to share it with them. But I don't share much with them about what I talk about in therapy. It's too hard right now. Besides, therapy is a *deeply* personal thing, and so to be able to share it with someone else signifies almost the most extreme level of vulnerability, and I'm far from feeling capable or willing to do that with anyone else besides my T (and I'm happy that I can write that I'm vulnerable with my T - it's taken a long time).

Therapy means a lot to those of us who haven't experienced an empathic and truly beneficial relationship or at least have been deprived of them. But those who are able to get that kind of support from other places don't depend so heavily on therapy. Either way is okay, although I am not one to easily admit how much my relationship with my T means to me (wish I could). I will sometimes share that I'm on depression meds, too. But I tend to only say it when I think it will benefit someone else (i.e., someone who doesn't want to take meds or whatnot and I'll offer up my experience with them).

((hugs to all))

quote:

I was taught (indirectly) growing up to not only care what everyone thinks of me, but also to always put on my best face and never cause others to worry. Always be polite (and non-aggressive/assertive), always follow all the rules, always do better than your best, never let people see you doing something society wouldn't approve of, etc. etc. etc. After all, "what would the neighbors think?"

Wow, Coco, it's like our parents are from the same cookie-cutter! I could ditto every single word you wrote! It's what everyone thinks that matters, right?!? I'm learning NO. Like you though, it always boiled down to appearances, not truth and reality. That was an annoyance when I was younger - it was devastating later though when I was raped and made to feel like I was an embarrassment and source of anger and pain. (And they wondered why I wouldn't prosecute - yeah right, and make it even more public and face even more humiliation?!?)

So grateful for T helping me to see reality.

Back to the thread subject -
I'm very open with others about GOING to therapy, but they all think it's just for my ED/phobia. (and they see my verrrry slow weight loss.)
No one knows of my other issues, or my transference. Except T, bless his patient little heart.

Starry

** Possible SU triggers**

kashley,

Thanks for the hugs and kind words. I've talked about it with my T in general terms before - he knows I have two attempts in my past - but I told him that while I have a plan, I've made a deal with myself I'm not allowed to follow through until my son has left home (it's a long wait, he's only 9).

When I made a flippant comment about my state of mind on Thursday, my T asked me a direct question, but I stayed silent for a while and then talked around it, reminding him of my deal. Part of the problem was that, in that moment, I really wasn't sure where I was at so didn't want to commit either way.

I emailed him today and said I'd had a rough weekend and contemplated 'phoning a crisis line but that my son had 'phoned me (he was at his dad's) and talking to him had helped a lot. T replied saying he was sorry I'd felt so at risk, pleased I'd contemplated calling for help, and glad my son's voice had grounded me. All of which was nice, but I'm still not actually sure where I'm at and feel I can't say anything else as he'd ended his email saying we'd talk more on Thursday.

Ugh. Sorry for the ramble. Hope you're okay; hugs back if you'd like them.