Age matters a great deal to me. I only see therapists who are older than I am. I would not take someone in their 30s seriously. I am not particularly concerned about shared experience (the woman I see and I have very little in common background wise, lifestyle wise, etc).

I'd worry about the years of experience the 30year old has. As a professional in my early 30s I know there can be enough experience there, but not always. It may be good to see both of them then decide. When I was in treatment at a center all the Ts and Ns were early to mid 30's, except my T who is in her late 50's. I feel a wonderful sense of empathy from the younger Ts I worked with in groups, or saw in hospitals. Despite her age chronologically, my T there had 2-3 years experience as a T. Compared to my 30 years experience same age T... There are some differences.

I think it's the time in the field that will increase the ability to "understand". It would still be very hard for me to be okay with seeing anyone less than 10 years older than myself - inly because I'm "young enough" for that luxury.

I too understand your concern about the life experience... And I try to look at it this way - many women see men for issues such as domestic abuse, sexual abuse, rape, violent crime, eating disorders, infertility, etc - many of these things which have statistically more women victims than men - and it seems to work somehow for those clients. I couldn't imagine (my transference would probably become violent or psychotic - I don't think I could separate a male T from a perpetrator). So maybe it could work put with someone who has no experience in where you are on life but is still experienced in your feelings, and understanding the important things.

Sorry you are being coerced back.,, sounds like your ED may be in charge? I'm sorry if that is the case right now

The therapist's age is very important to me. Personally, I would wait to see the older T. There are many factors at work here. I would have respect for the younger T, but the reality remains, she does not have enough life experience and training to work with a client who is fairly older. This is a tough one because many older Ts can be inept. One of the most important criteria for having an effective therapist is that they have had extensive therapy themselves.....very important. I've witnessed the damage inexperience and/or poor training has had on some people. You may be better off in the long run to be patient and wait it out.

Personally I prefer older T's. The younger one will be an 'older T' to teenagers and people in their 20's I guess.

I think maturity is helpful and I'd want to speak with someone at least my age, but like others, I know the 'mother figure' thing matters (even though I'm pulling yuk faces typing this!)

sb

I'm a baby! I'm 24 and.... actually age matters to me in reverse. While I do want someone a bit older than myself.... I definitely don't want to go too far from my own age, because it's easier for me to trust someone who won't see me totally as a baby (and I had some bad experiences with older, conservative Ts, so.... I don't trust them!) Plus, to be honest, older women between 40-50 are my specific Gigantic Transference-Attachment Trigger, and even if it is still there without it, not having it full blown actually makes it easier to talk about (ahah, which means "so very difficult")

So I'd say, yes, the age matters, even if it is not the only thing that does. Maybe you can give a chance to the younger T, even ask her what she thinks about that question, in case you "click", you never know, it may still be a useful experience?

My personal preference is for someone slightly older, but this is becoming less important as I get older too. but I wouldn't dismiss a younger T if I felt a connection and sensed from our first few sessions that we'd be able to work together.

I'm interested in what people think 'maturity' and 'life experience' is? How is it acquired? What makes life experience valuable in the counselling setting?

In the UK at least counselling is rarely a first profession. People entering training tend to be all ages so it's not always straight forward to equate age with counselling experience. I do tend to check out people's years of training on their websites. More often than not though I'd select someone based on talking with them about what I need - and asking specific questions about those things. If in a first session someone with a lot of experience wasn't able to make any intuitive leaps about some of the things I think are important in a counselling relationship, then I'd probably not continue.

I guess for me it's more about personal fit. Age, gender, marital status, probably play a part in all of that but I am not sure I am 100% sure of how that all interacts.

I guess what I'm saying is what you think you want isn't always the only thing that would work for you. BUT, and this is a huge but, what you want matters hugely, so if a young T is not ok (I just couldn't face a male T) then you don't have to go there. I think the most important thing here is that you are feeling coerced and that's not ever the best way to start a therapeutic relationship. You don't have to see either of them if its not what to want

I think Pengs is right. There is no right or wrong way to make a decision on whether you want to see someone. I decided on female T this time for lots of reasons when a man could have worked out okay and it was my right to make that decision for me. I've never had a female T long-term so it's been really useful. You don't have to be 'fair' to younger T if you don't want to see them. It's personal choice and you're allowed to make decisions based on what you want rather than what you think you 'should' do.

I too am pulling yuk faces over the mother figure thing, SB. But it's certainly a truth for me that I have been working out maternal transference issues with current T and I think that factors into who I am drawn to.

Age matters to me, too. We are both in our 40's. I love that my T is only about 5-7 years older than me. Sometimes she is motherly, sometimes sisterly, .... I am so glad we are this close.

I'd feel kind of weird if my T were young enough to be my daughter - I'd totally just want to take care of HER. It would trigger all my mumsy-behaviours and I'd not do any work at all!!

Hi there,

I think that as the relationship is such a huge component of the work in therapy, anything that affects that relationship matters (age, gender, personality, etc.). I personally wouldn't rule someone out based on age, but that's just because I wouldn't have much transference around age issues. On the other hand, I will only work with male T's, as female authority figures - no matter the age - always remind me of my mother! Maternal transference just gets in the way of the work, so I avoid it.

I, too, feel concerned that you are feeling coerced. I really hope that you're able to find a therapeutic relationship within which you feel safe, secure, and understood. Trust your instincts and follow your needs!


Saka

Thank you all so much for your responses. It so helps to not feel so alone with my feelings and perceptions.

I saw the young T this morning. She is nice. It is too early to tell if this is going to work. Today was more about her asking questions of me and why I was there. She too was quite puzzled with my current T's position/behaviour. I gave her permission to contact current T to get information. I've scheduled another appt with her next week and have been planning several questions that I have for her. I would like to see her for just ED related stuff and not get into other life stuff with her. Not sure how well that is going to work for me I didn't feel any immediate connection or huge disconnect with her. I'll just have to see how it goes. The problem is I don't know any other older T's in town with ED specialty experience.

I wanted to explain the coerced comment for those that might not know my story. I suffer from an ED. My T recently changed my therapy to couples only therapy. The nutritionist (RD) and group (DBT) therapy that I have been in requires me to be in individual counseling. My current T refuses to continue individual counseling with me right now.

Thanks everyone.

Jillann

I don't think it's necessary for a T to have experienced what you're struggling with in order for them to be very good at their job.

Pretty sure my T has not been through anything like the traumas I have in my life but she's freaking amazing at her job. I'm pretty sure we are about the same age but our lifestyles are so different.

I'm a professional who helps women have babies. I myself have never been pregnant, never given birth, or looked after a baby for more than a few hours at a time. Yet I've seen the birth process hundreds of times and have a huge collection of experience as seen through the eyes and souls of others. And I know for a fact I actually have a lot more empathy and kindness for women going through languor than some of my counterparts who have had their own kids and all the empathy of a concrete block!

And I have clients return to me time ad. Time again for subsequent babies, as well as recommend me to their freinds and family - I also get very good (anonymous) feedback via way of feedback forms (sent to my professional body from the women directly) so I know that 'despite' having never been pregnant or had my own kids - I seem to be dog a pretty good job lol.

The young T might have gone through menopause for all you know - but even if she hasn't, perhaps she has helped HUNDREDS of women through it and helped them process all the changes etc.

I think it would be far more important she is good at her job than have a life even vaguely similar to yours

Hope that makes sense!

Ive been browsing lately.. as some of you know....for a new T. I do seem to prefer someone older than me.
That means that they must be ancient cos im no spring chicken.

I would be ok seeing a younger male T but not female for some reason.

I think it also depends what you need T for.

Age definitely matters to me. My T is about 27/28 years old (which I figured through finding out the year she graduated college - I know, I'm a creep , and it works perfectly for me, I'm 17. I definitely need and will continue to need someone older than me, someone to act compassionate and loving and to give advice from experience. However, I still like that she's young enough that she can remember what it's like to be my age and I don't feel like I have to censor myself around her. I guess I really just crave our relationship to be like she's a protective older sister. Not necessarily a mother, but not necessarily a friend, you know?

Hi there. I think it is also a personal preference when you are considering the age of your therapist compared to yours.

My first two T's were much older than I. I saw them, as you would guess, as "father figures" I guess you could say. Both of them--really GREAT men.

My current T is my same age--actually we are only a week apart--and at first I thought it was going to be a problem. But, I have to say, it has really worked out for the best. I actually think he is the most effective therapist I have seen so far and I would have never said this at the beginning of my therapy before I really got to "know" him. So, I think it really depends on the T.

I know how hard it can be to find a new T. I was able to "interview" future therapists before my T retired, so that gave me a chance to discuss the possible replacement T's before he finished.
It was a good transition to use when one ends and you have to begin the process over again.

I wish you luck in your quest to find a new therapist.

Peace,
LJB