So, I have some memory stuff we need to work through, but haven't been able to manage to feel safe enough doing so over Skype. I get panicked that it will be too hard to ground from and just can't share. Even in office sessions, it can take quite a bit of time before I am settled enough for it to surface. So, we've only scratched the surface, while I'm internally compelled to share. Once I start in earnest, I feel like there will need to be a lot of intense focus to process it. I did not say this to T, but he expressed a similar conclusion after the last few weeks of it coming up too late in sessions to do anything with except acknowledge its presence and the lack of time, try to put it away.
So, T is trying to get me Monday night this week, so we can do a full double, rather than the 90 minutes we've had on recent Tuesdays. He's also hoping to secure me another Wednesday night double at his other office, which is 45+ minutes away, but much safer and more natural feeling environment for this particular work. Whether or not that works out, he's checking his schedule to see if he can do an even longer Friday morning at this same office. He's usually home Fridays and that is over an hour from this office, though occasionally he has been there on a Friday during our calls. Basically T is offering me (potentially) 7 hours of work when insurance will only pay about 4, changing his commute for me, proactively working his schedule around my needs on multiple days. I know it may not work out, but even the thought of him doing so much because he sees a need and wants to meet it is freaking me out, despite him walking me through the why of it and working through my feelings on it very patiently and openly (i.e. not pushing me to do it).
It's just too much and I feel "bad," like I've committed some sort of cardinal sin by somehow making him offer me something, tricking him about my needs, taking too much time. I know he's probably right about what I need at this point due to how the last month has gone, but accepting it feels like I'm assaulting or invading him...and I don't know what to do. Beyond the simple question of whether that is just too much for one week, I don't know how to ever feel OK with how much he does for me with the texts and reading journals and working so hard for the single case agreement, etc.
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It's just so hard for me to imagine being someone that other people value, that other people might want to accommodate. That thought is so new and lovely for me. That I am worth something.