I'm actively thinking about T or therapy easily 80-90% of the time. The best way I can turn it off is to get completely engaged in an activity that takes all my attention. Unfortunately, there are very few activities that are so all-consuming for me and most of them can't be done with a toddler around. Like posting on this forum or watching something, I can easily just set aside whatever I'm in the middle of when little one gets out of her independent streaks and wants to snuggle or needs something. But, focused stuff like reading a novel, I get so sucked in that I'm not attentive anymore. So, basically, yeah, all the time my mind is about T and what we have been discussing. Keep thinking, wish he were my dad and not my T.

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Sometimes I feel like little more than a leech in regards to him and this relationship. I am just there to suck sustenance. I give nothing back. I would gladly give, but give what? I am not there to give, but to take. And that is how it is supposed to work, right? It does feel so very parent-child.

Hi Monte, I wanted to comment on your feelings about this. I think what you could give back to your T and what he would very much want and appreciate are your thoughts, feelings and very importantly, your feedback on what he is doing and how he is doing. My T has commented more than once on how important my feedback is to him and how he values it.

I would think about my oldT all the time. I would say that it was 90% of my time. Thoughts of him were always humming in the background of whatever I was doing because a lot of what I WAS doing was made possible through my therapy. My involved parenting, my participation in social activities, playing with my son, going back to school... he was everywhere in my life and I talked to him all the time. Because I saw him in other places outside of his office (the kids camp, parent meetings, camp open house etc) I thought about him at those other places too.

With my current T... I didn't think of him very often at first because I was pushing him away and when I thought of him I would resist and get scared. I didn't want an attachment to him because I was so hurt and had so much grief. I think of him a lot more now and as I told him... I'm making more space for him in my head. He liked that. I would say that I think of him about 75% of my day.

TN

I'll be honest... I think of my T from morning until night. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I probably dream about him too. He is a constant, nagging ache in my heart for something I can never have. I go thorough times when it gets kind of easier, that I feel a bit tuned out or distracted or dulled out from wanting his presence. It's not so knife-sharp anymore. I'm thinking I'm giving up, maybe. I'm not sure if this is good for me. The only thing that keeps me sane is to think, I must be really longing for God. Then at least the constant agony, it makes sense- and I don't feel so stupid.

BB

I think about T1 probably about 80% of my waking hours.

I think about T2 perhaps about 10% of my waking hours.

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She has thanked me many times and said that it isn't often that clients give positive feedback that often they just give the negative

That really surprises me. I give my T way more positive than negative feedback. And even the negative stuff is more like, "When you ... it reminds me of ..." Like, explaining how certain words and behaviors are triggering me to project something on him that I logically know isn't true, but can't stop believing in when I'm upset. Or else, sometimes my journals say stuff like, "I wish T would..." I just sent him a journal the other day where I listed every good thing that happened and how great the session made me feel about the work we're doing. I think people "get" you a lot more when you tell them what DOES work, what they are doing right, than when you criticize what is going wrong. It has made the process of building trust a lot quicker, I think. But, now I'm so dang attached, LOL!

If only I could voluntarily lapse into a coma so I could be free of the thoughts of T which torment me...

When I'm at work, and busy, I don't think of my T at all. She doesn't even enter my consciousness, actually. Work is the best way for me to be distracted, and I even have some happy moments while working!

When I'm not at work... I think of my T almost constantly. It scares me, too, since the relationship is only two months old. But in those two months I've learned so much, and she's been so incredibly helpful... I try to distract myself by working at home, but it doesn't work. I still think of her. I wish I could have daily sessions instead of 2x a week!

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If only I could voluntarily lapse into a coma so I could be free of the thoughts of T which torment me...

Wow, MH, and Monte too- I could have written that. I'm so sorry you feel this way, I know it is awful, but it won't last forever- I *have* to believe that. One thing that this whole thing has pointed out to me, is that the whole "cry it out" method of child-rearing that is *still* so prevalent, even in our knowledgable age, is truly hellish for a baby to experience. I knew beyond doubt that I was re-experiencing that in the relationship with my T- before I ever visited this website or did any reading about transference at all. I have often experienced the healing of the wound, at least a little, by allowing my children to cry in my arms when they are angry at me- at my wise T's insistence!

BB