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t i believe from what i read about others here, that the relationship is such a critical part of the therapy, t

A good relationship is essential for good therapy IMHO, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to discuss the relationship for it to be good. I'd imagine a great number of clients do not talk about it or really "notice" because focusing on that may not be part of their work.

I used to worry I wasn't therapy-normal because my T and I wouldn't talk about how she'd be there, and we had a connection, and about attachment or an 'us' or even the word 'relationship'. Eventually we did, but it was very slow and was something I had to work on directly. It came up just through therapy where I'd say I feel so much more grounded or attuned, or attended to in session. I could talk about how I could carry my therapy with me and feel comfort to cope in bad times… Ts would mention to think of them, or remind me they were 'there'. Then the topic came up that way.

I think because you want to talk about it… it may have to be a jump in to cold water type thing. Or less of a jump by talking maybe about how therapy in general makes you feel, or about how you are honestly reacting to your T. Almost all of my therapy has been working out transference and learning how to have or want another to trust. So I was used to talking to my Ts about my reactions to them. That might be a good place to plant the seeds.

You could also kind of ask the same way you did here 'I know some other people in therapy who talk about their relationship (or "how they get along with") with their therapist, is our relationship okay? how do I tell?"

In my therapy I know T was very careful not to come too close, so we'd talk about relationship stuff and I'd push away.. and it went over and over and over and over again until it's really good now. T called me almost every day last year for us to grow this, and we both worked very hard and very consistently. It was a lot to talk about. We work with a lot of my trauma stuff framed in how I react. I feel very often that I went in to therapy as a feral cat and only now can I be in a house without climbing the walls and hissing and swatting at everyone and everything.

Do you ever have transference with your T? Or react to her or your process of therapy and discuss that stuff? If so, that's a great place to start too. You could ask 'Why does this stuff come up? Is it something about therapy?".

Being a rather direct person myself, yet also easily ashamed and humiliated to talk about relationships… I'd just get it over with and say "I really want to talk about how we're working together". or something???

Sorry, dunno if any of that helps. It did amazing things and still does amazing things in my therapy. Once we got a good alliance and understanding though… we talk about the relationship much less unless I need reassurance, or I ask if she's there, or going anywhere. I'm not really inclined to 'look outward' and am often more absorbed with me. I've been so fortunate to learn the anxiety of a relationship leaving WHILE I've learned the point of relationship at all. That's what I'm doing right now… we have much less contact so I'm dealing with learning that I would still like to have her there (and it's okay)… coupled with worrying I won't have her there. I think the relationship is easier to talk about or something worked on in a different way if attachment is more preoccupied or something, I don't know which one.

It's good stuff to work with, whenever I feel weird with my T, or feel like T hates me I can process it in session (most of the time… DEFINITELY not always) with "I can't tell what I'm feeling or need, but it's coming up as fear of you and that you may hate me"… and then we dig in there… leveraging how the relationship works and my reactions to her work in the context of trauma stuff. It's that sort of work I really feel like we're being partners… I can explain my reaction to her as an object and then we can talk together to find out the triggers, feelings, etc.

CD,

Relationship is kind of a big feature in my t owing to the way t works (T is an attachment based psychotherapist with a large relational chunk in there)so we Pings can't exactly escape from it although we still fight it like hell sometimes

Sometimes I've phrased it much like SP says with a question 'where are with the work' and that's helped open it up a little. Recently the relationship came to a head after a session last week, in which T shared something which floored me and then asked me 'so how are you with therapy?', 'do you feel stuck'? etc - cue one Pings who did not know how to respond because of the shock dumped in the room. Fast forward to this Wed T listened and took what I said about one remark she made, that made me feel she was trying to 'make it all better' when I wished she had not said that. What followed was raw, t apologizing and saying she had been thinking about it etc. There was an open and honest exchange and I got to a place with T where we had that moment just connecting one person to another - then the tissues came out. T welled up in an appropriate way as did I. She thanked me for being brave enough to reflect on the rupture and bring what I bought to the repair and I thanked her for what she bought even though it was so hard to hear, told her she was too good at challenging me . It was the hardest relationship talk we have had to date but it was worth it because we have a way forward together now.
Because of my background I had been fighting so hard to save the therapy relationship, protect me and also T to some degree that it ended up with me feeling stuck, frustrated in therapy which is what T had picked me up on and then the rupture.

Could I have done this kind of level of relationship talking with T when I first saw her no, I would have been out the door faster than you can blink and have run plenty of times out on her. Its taken nearly 3 years just getting to know each other first before all the other stuff has even been approached.

For me it does not have to be a spoken thing the relationship all the time, its just kind of there in the background. Sometimes it gets highlighted around ruptures (like last week) or when T goes away. Or T admitting she was feeling maternal towards one of my little parts. Other times we work on it an unspoken way, such as just talking in chit chat about the weekend, or a book or a film, so its casual. Other times we have needed to slow t down because its all been too much or there's a crisis and during those moments we have been able to do a reflection on the relationship with out any other pressures. Kind of a check in with each other session. We constantly work on it, formally or informally, spoken or not spoken because as T says its about two people in the room.

Sorry, bit a ramble there. Just some personal experiences around relationship. Hope you can find a way in when you are ready to and that feels ok for you
Pingles

Dear (((CD))) you've some good advice here and I can only add - talk with your T - my major healing has come from my relationship with my dear T! Go gently with you! To be honest I don't think she realises how much! s

Just recently my T and I cried together because I can't always carry her with me. Often, I can't feel her, can't quite attach. It was a lovely and open and healing time. It was acceptance of me that I can't trust yet, but want to and T. feeling sad and wishing things never happened to me, and she sees my pain. We talk frequently about the relationship. It is hard, hard, hard work for me, but it is getting better.

(((CD))) It's an enormous thing - "the relationship" and talking about "it." I would feel so very overwhelmed by that. Especially if T and I had established a pattern of not really doing so. Perhaps it would feel more manageable, more doable, less scary, if you broke it down a bit. Say one small truth about how you feel in the relationship.

"I feel so comforted when you hug me. I wish my mom had done that. Now telling you this, I am afraid that somehow you will take it away from me. So sometimes I pretend like it's just a casual thing, but it means the world to me."

My own example, of course, but I think it illustrates really talking from your heart about the intimacy in the relationship.

To say, "Let's talk about Our Relationship." Where do you go from there? It becomes an intellectual exercise, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you're looking for.

Try saying one small truth at every session. Talk about it first so it doesn't get lost in "we're out of time." Jump in.

-RT

CD, this is so hard! My way of approaching it was to write about it and give those writings to my T to read. I would sometimes just mention my struggles in relation to her obliquely in my writing, but she always paid attention to that and will say something like, "You're struggling with our relationship." I'll say "Yeah" while wanting to crawl into a hole, and we'll talk about it a bit.

So, that is an idea--you could write about it and give or send that to her, maybe. Worked for me, anyway. I only recently got brave enough to say anything actually out loud about how I feel about my T, and how I think she might be feeling about me, and I've known her a lot of years.

Just a thought. :-)