OK, apparently, I'm the designated post-whore today...sorry about that.

So, yesterday, I got an email for a "perfect" nanny position, 24 hours a week, watching a three-year-old and five-year-old, both of whom would be in school part-time. I responded and set up a phone interview with this family for Monday. I wasn't even thinking anything other than, "Well, this will make up for all the business I lost when my current client cut her hours 75% this year." And it would be great for Boo to be with older kids. And, I could afford T and pre-school for Boo.

Then...it hit me (especially during my session with T where we talked about what my dissociation means). Um, WTF am I thinking? A job that requires me to drive someone else's children everyday? A job where I watch two kids who are almost the same age difference as my younger sisters, almost certainly triggering lots of teen memories from that time and upset feelings at how our relationship got broken by H's incident? So, I talked it over with T and he thought also probably not a good idea, but to pray and think about it.

I have another 50% Admin job at my old department that I also got a call about and T said that sounded like a better fit. It would allow me to have some adult time, maybe get Boo into a preschool or day care where she could socialize in larger groups, but I would I would only have to leave her 25 hours a week. Who knows, I may not get it or they may not offer enough money. Ideally, I'd be able to stay home with her, pay for T, pay for preschool, etc., but that's not working out very well...

Anyway, so how do I break it to these people that I want to cancel my interview? I feel bad about them wasting the time to email back and forth with me about the job. I know I don't need excuses, but I keep thinking of them, like:
* Due to some news, I am now unable to make a yearlong commitment to a new job. Technically true...I kind of got some news...and I can't really commit to any amount of time. OK, that's just lying in disguise I guess.
* I am up for another job that is a better fit and don't want to waste their time interviewing. What if they still want to interview me anyway?,
* Just outright say, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but I am no longer available to interview for your nanny position. I wish you good luck in finding the right caregiver for your daughters." I will be feeling like they hate me. Sure, complete strangers, who cares, right? I CARE!!!

Ugh...why is this so triggering for me?