Wow. Good for you for knowing what you need, Rio. Sorry it's come to this, it must be very frustrating. I'm wondering if you could say something like.."I just need to find a different modality for my therapy" or "it's just not a good fit..." alternatively you could just be totally honest and say "I need a T to help me focus on my issues and talk about them, and we've just gotten into the habit of chatting way too much. I'm not asking you to change, I just wanted you to know that I've made up my mind and I am no longer comfortable with this mode of therapy."

eek. I hope this helps a bit!

Nice to see you-

BB

Hi Rio,
It's good to hear from you. From what you are describing of your Ts behavior, quitting makes a heck of a lot of sense. I agree with you, if I want to hear about someone's choice of handbags, I know plenty of people who would be more than willing to talk about it for free.

If you can bring yourself to speak directly about her behavior, I believe you might be really helping her other and future clients. She is dropping the ball in a major way by not keeping clear boundaries and about not keeping therapy about your needs. It sounds much more like she's using it to meet her own. With someone not as self-aware as you, I think she could do serious damage. However, as I know you already know, her boundaries are not YOUR responsibility so you are under no obligation to speak to her about her behavior.

But if you decide that you do want to, I would do so by making it clear up front that your mind is firmly made up that you wish to terminate therapy at this time. That your decision is not up for discussion, but that you didn't just want to disappear. I am not sure if you have other reasons, but one way to soften the blow so to speak AND to preclude her talking you out of it, would be to say that you have a number of reasons, but among those reasons are behaviors of hers that you have found to be a problem. Then pretty much say to her what you've said there. That her discussing so much of her personal life and chatting has felt inappropriate to a theraputic relationship and has felt like it's seriously impeded your making any headway. That for whatever reasons, she has stopped focusing therapy on your needs, and that combined with other factors means that it is no longer worth your time or money.

If she tries to talk you out of it, you can simply go back to what you said in the beginning, that your mind is made up and you do not wish to discuss it further. If you have any positive that have come out of the work, you might want to share them to draw the focus off of her trying to change your mind.

I am glad that making this decision is bringing you relief. And fwiw, it really does sound like you're making the right decision. And really, end it any way you want to. I'm not really sure you own her all that much considering how she has failed to carry through on her responsibilities. I have a lot of respect for the fact that you are so concerned about how to handle this.

Good luck, and I would love to know how it goes if you get a chance.

AG

Rio,

I think it is great that you are setting boundaries for yourself and what you expect out of therapy.

I think you should be honest and tell you that you enjoy the the chit chat, but that it has taken over your therapy and you are really wanting to get the most out of your therapy and the money you are investing into it. Maybe say, "its not that I dont care about you or your life , but given the financial structure to this relationship, I feel I am not getting what I am paying for". I think that is a very honest way of being honest without saying anything in an hurtful way.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes!

Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I'm trying to make a list of positives to soften the blow a bit. To be honest, I think most of the positive change over the past year has been in spite of her therapy rather than because but I'm going to ignore that fact for the time being.

I don't feel anxious about not seeing her anymore, I just hope she doesn't get upset or act all disappointed because then I will really squirm! Right now I am planning a wonderful haircut next week with the money I would have spent on therapy. And the week after I might just get that handbag

I am planning a therapy break, and will consider whether to start up again with someone else once I've had a few weeks off. And there will be no discussions about handbag shopping!

So...I managed. It went ok. She said she was "disappointed." But I said that I had made my mind up, and was certain that this was the right thing for me.

I said that I was uncomfortable with what I felt were her lax boundaries, and that I felt that it was not appropriate for her to be talking so much about herself and her family in my therapy. She then said that as I had never complained about this, that she thought it was a situation I was comfortable with. I pointed out that I have had to forcibly change the subject away from her stuff at least once during almost every session! She didn't deny it, but then said that "clearly this is something I don't have a problem doing." I then pointed out that I had no choice, and that regardless of the fact that I am capable of redirecting a session (and yes, holding appropriate boundaries) it is HER job to hold the boundaries, direct the session and keep the focus on me - and that this was the reason I was paying her. She didn't have anything to say to that.

I did tell her a few things that have improved since I started my therapy with her, and she said that I am always welcome to go back. I'm 100% sure that I'm not going to go back to her, but I have a feeling I'm not done with therapy. I'm going to give it a month or so and see how it goes. In the meantime, I have yet another cycle of chemo looming, after which I should have a little more time to be "present" on the boards.

Thank you all for your support through my DIY termination. I am very relieved that it is over!

Congratulations, Rio! I'm really impressed at how clear and direct you were with her. Sounds like she wasn't entirely sure of what you were saying, which means you are probably spot on in your assessment of the situation...but it also sounds like she didn't get terribly defensive, which means you probably did her a huge favor in giving her feedback that could lead to her improving her services as a T, if she takes what you said to heart. Great job, you.

I am sorry you are having to go through chemo. Good luck on this next round...I hope it all goes as well as possible.

Hug,
SG

Rio, I think you did a great job and were very clear with her. She needs to take a good look at herself and her boundaries. I hope you find a good T who has their focus on you when the time is right.

I send you healing thoughts and wishes.

TN

Wow Rio. You are absolutely amazing. Good on you - you did a brilliant job.

To be honest, I wouldn't have given her another session or gone to the extent you did to explain the situation to her.

He rio-I think the way you handled everything was really brave and forthright without being demeaning. You probably did her a lot of good. I hope you will be able to find a really good T when you need one, who will keep themselves out of the room...good for you for knowing that it wasn't working, and moving on, instead of trying to make something work that clearly wasn't going to for you.

BB