My second question is related. One of my biggest fears is being left alone in my pain after sharing something I am afraid to share. She assures me I will not be alone but I can’t figure out how she can promise that for me because in the same conversation she tells me how her case load has increased and how she has many other responsibilities as the director of the clinic. On Sunday morning, sitting in church surrounded by people, I had an emotional flashback. Not wanting to draw attention or make a spectacle of myself I thought of everything I could do to distract myself from the urge to curl up under the pew and sob. With my DH help I made it through without giving in to the urge or sobbing in my seat. It was so hard. I tried all the tricks I could think of until I began to settle again. I even tried playing tic-tac-toe with myself on a notepad from my purse but that was far too easy as it didn't require enough concentration for it to be helpful. I learned a lot about what I need that day but it was really tough to get through it. I think it is funny to know that a psychologist acquaintance was sitting on the other side of me during the entire church service.
I called my T on Monday morning to ask for an extra session this week so that I could talk about what happened and the thoughts that were running through my mind but she didn’t return my call until Wednesday afternoon. By then, of course, the strong emotions has dissipated and I no longer felt in crisis unless I let those emotions come back to the surface but by then I started feeling reticent. She let me see her that afternoon, in place of my regular Thursday appointment (not in addition to it) and we talked about the coping skills I used to get through the strong emotions last Sunday. She celebrated the fact that I found what I needed inside of me to cope. Notice I didn’t say that I celebrated this ‘successful’ effort. I know that whatever tried surfacing was forced back inside…once again. I am not happy about that. If it must come out for me to heal then why must I endure stall tactics? I do know that if healing takes a lifetime then I am going to have to know how to distract and self-soothe myself for the unexpected triggers. So maybe that answers my second question. I am guessing the telling of the things that trigger is to make the triggers less dramatic or lose their power completely. Well last night, while talking with my DH about the emotional flashback I experienced on Sunday, I began to sob as I told him that no one knew how hard it was for me to hold myself together so not to disturb or be seen in distress by the people around me. When I say I began to sob I don’t mean that I wailed loudly and gnashed my teeth. No, it was as if my entire diaphragm heaved internally with each breath. That is the best way I can explain it. I have never felt this way or grieved so deeply in my life. When I regained my composure, I told him that I think my body had just released a little bit of what it needed to release last Sunday. Anyone have any idea where I go from here? Is it too much too hope that I am done with that piece?
deeplyrooted
I'm so glad you found a new T you can work with. Thanks for having the courage to post about this, there was a lot that resonated with me, and some of it I've been wondering, too. 
). So it seems that all that crying really did serve a purpose, it really did do some good. And if it comes again, I think the important thing is to let it move through like before...and then take really good care of myself afterward. 
I am willing to sit with it until it passes but I don't now what "it" is. If anyone sees what I cannot see here, please tell me. If not,thanks for listening even if you have nothing to say. I will make myself try to take in the idea that someone is listening and I am not alone in an attempt to assuage my worst fears. 
