My niece decided to participate in a nationwide Fundraiser. Of course she asked us family members to participate Including her fellow Cousins. Naturally I couldn't be there. This happens a lot because I'm also the furthest away from home. My niece is 19 and we all commented about how proud we were of her for taking on such a feat and organizing it. Its also about raising money.
Three days before the event my one brother decided to put an email out but only addressed it to us brothers and sisters. In his email he commented about how he is embarrassed of us for not making more of an effort in the fund raising and raising more money he also said that he was ashamed of those who are not participating and didn't have an excuse for not being there, basically me. I mean who else? Everyone else was there but I'm sure that some of my nieces & nephews were missing but the email did not go out to them. I let the email stew for 48 hours before I commented. I hit "reply all."
I asked basically if I was an embarrassment. Was such a strong word needed to convey to cheerleader type role? which is what I think he was going for. I also asked why should I be ashamed & of what? Another harsh word choice. Asked him if this is the way he motivates his employees? I tried to phrase everything as a question so I could get a response & not point fingers.
I sent it out & w/in a fraction of a sec my bro wrote me back & only to me. Told me I "needed to relax" & that I read the whole thing wrong, i miss interpreted it. He was trying to motivate us as a family; to make myself feel better I should send them a fat donation & "get on board."
I was In the wrong.
I read it wrong.
I need to get over it.
I'm out of the loop.
It's got to be me.
But not once did he apologize for possibly upsetting me...bec he thinks he didn't. That basically I was being an ass & calling him out on his word choice.
I wrote him back just as fast & told him" that's exactly what I thought you'd say." Almost word for word this bro is very predictable. Another email back from him said " no one else had a problem w/ the email just myself."
That's true. Sad but true. I thought for sure my one SIL would hop on her soapbox, but no one did. No one even made a smart ass remark about it OR all of its behind my back which is more of what I'm leaning toward.
It always seems to be 5 to 1. Growing up & how we saw things. My interpretation is always different from theirs. We usually all received the same punishments but why do I think my dads methods were boarder line abusive! When we're all together they crack jokes about our beating w/ a horse bridle, a crop, tractor belts, not being able to sit for a few days, kneeling in rice, standing on one leg, smashing ur head against the wall during homework time due to frustration, just beating w/ his hands alone & anything he had w/in reach; they laugh about all this!! Then I think it's got to be me right? their all laughing. I am too serious & I'm making a big deal over nothing. I'm too serious.
My family thinks I'm here bec of depression. They don't kno the real reason or my latest diagnosis PTSD & DID. They have no clue & it's really not worth telling everyone. What I think would be most beneficial to me during all my T is to cut them off completely. Then I wouldn't have to constantly worry about them & the latest drama in the family that I never seem to kno. It just sucks all my energy. But I have 3 little ones & can't deny them from seeing their 23 cousins, 4 step cousins & 7 second cousins & another one due in July. When I go home it's like a small festival getting us together. My H has already cut off both is sisters & his mom hangs by inches, but that's another thread for later. I cant deny my kids their right to family.
This stupid email has bothered me for over a week & a half now & I can't seem to drop it. I'm still waiting for the ricochet reply. Like these towel snapping fights we used to have. Those things could leave marks & I always worried about someone sneaking up on me & getting blasted.
So where is this all leading? Frankly I have no idea. Validation? Maybe but more in the form that I'm not going crazy. Answers! Why am I so very different from my siblings & the way we view our lives especially our childhood. Will my odds ever improve or do I need to let this one go? I'm not sure anymore what to do w/ my family but I sure am dam sick of pretending!
Any wisdom u can spare is always helpful....doesn't have to be wise thou
Muddddddddd
