This is a huge, huge thing for me, too...I'm sorry it's keeping you from sharing something that you really need to. Do you think you could share it with your T in some other way? Can you write down little bits of it? Like what you're feeling? Even if it's just that, T can help you from there. One thing I've asked my T many times is, what if I'm lying? Or what if this is wrong? She always says that I can come back at any time and change anything I want to, that she won't hold me to anything. I'm sure your T is the same way.

Have you shared your fears with your T (about how he'll react)? Sometimes it helps to just get those feelings out and be reassured beforehand. Safety is very, very important, but I find that it's often a tricky thing. My scared part is always scared...and she's scared of absolutely everything. So sometimes things don't feel safe to her (and so things don't really feel safe to me) and it makes it very hard to open up. But it's something where you kind of have to ask whether it will help or hurt those parts to push through the fear and share whatever it is that you need to share (in my limited experience at least. ).

(((hugs))) Try and be gentle with yourself...you're working very hard.

(((kashley))) (((Monte)))

Thanks for the support. In a kind of bad spot right now, so will have to review more later when it's closer to my session.

(((Yaku))) Take your time...many hugs to you.

Yaku,

I want to echo what has already been said and then add a few things.

Is it possible that there is a part that is telling you that you are lying or that nobody will believe you? Is it possible that this part is trying to protect you and that it isn't okay to "tell". I had many blocks kind of like what you describe and usually it was because there was a part that was convinced that if the secret was told then horrible things would happen. It might be a good place to start with T and see where that goes.

I also at times struggle with seeing all of these things in my head (or other parts do) and yet I feel that I totally lack the words and ability to articulate what I'm seeing. I just can't. There are no words that match. It is very frustrating.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with these memories. I hope that you can find a way to talk to T. (((hugs)))

P.S. In the early days when protector parts wouldn't allow speaking out loud about what happened we could circumvent those parts by detaching and having a writer part (non-emotional) transcribe what happened. That might be a way to get around the block.

quote:

Originally posted by monte:
...He is more interested in the pain it causes me and the messages I have received. These are the things that we can't and don't manufacture.

Yes to this!

I just dealt with this issue this morning. After a two hour discussion with my sister (and I hate talking on the phone) where she verified a few key memories for me, I revealed a vision I've always had that doesn't make any sense to me but suggests additional abuse from an adult. In an e-mail to my T today, I finally relayed this tidbit amongst other details.

It was so freeing to write the words and have it be accepted for what it is. I might not ever understand the truth behind it but in the bigger picture it doesn't much matter. The damage I am working through is the same regardless.

Yaku, I've read so many of your posts. Your T sounds worthy of receiving every detail of your story no matter how confusing some parts are to you. It's so hard not to self-censor when disclosing to T but I realize that when I do that it's what prolongs my suffering. That said, it still doesn't stop me from doing it.

Hi Yaku,
Your turmoil is so clear and there's so much that I can relate to. First and foremost, not trusting yourself, disbelieving yourself, minimizing abuse, feeling like you are making things up - for me- is what I do. It has contributed to my lack of self-worth and shame. These are lies that you have started to believe. I used to question some of my abuse. I thought it wasn't bad enough-- just like having an easy form of cancer. It's all bad. I do not try and confirm with my siblings because I have always felt that they minimized my experience. They are both different than me and far less introspective. My sister and I only talk on the surface. My brother and I are close but I no longer share about my mental health. Hypothetically, what if they are false memories? Where did they come from? Why do you have them. What memories are the standing in for. I hope you feel better. You have been struggling so much and I really feel for you.

OK, in a much better place now, so I can respond. It looked like my sister was going into labor and I was going to have to drive two hours to be there (dangerous for me to do lately), confront some lingering family stuff from the incident with H a year-and-a-half ago and miss my session with T. Now it looks like she won't be in labor until she is back down here and if she does go into labor, she understands it is impossible for me to go up there with the family conflict that is still going on. I dissociated so badly earlier than I blanked out at least 1/3 of the church service this morning and spent all afternoon with internal noise, foggy disconnectedness and raging headaches. We went over to a friend's for pizza and a movie and I'm doing much better now. I just wanted to explain so no one here thought that anything they had said triggered me even remotely.

kashley - Most of what I have shared with my T so far has been through text and journal (i.e. email), but since I have been risking to say things in person, it seems like I am feeling more heard, supported, etc. So, I am trying to just keep my texts to how I am doing day-to-day (not give too much in the way of details what is coming up for me) and keep my journals to reflections on our sessions, without getting into any "new" material. So, this is something I *really* want to do in person. He is steady and patient and advocating for these little ones, especially this particular part, to have a voice. I need to find a way for her to take a risk and see that he is who he seems and for me to allow it to happen without any number of negative reactionary behaviors of other parts. You make a good point that I can always revise stuff later if it ends up being different. I guess my big fear is never knowing one way or another. It makes me feel as if this whole thing is some big game I'm playing or something. I haven't told my T about my fears of how he'll react, because I know they're unjust projections. I did text him that stuff was coming up and I was afraid it's not real or she's not real and he replied something like, "Either way [whether the stuff I'm being told/shown is true], she's still really there and just as loved." So, I feel like I should really know that no matter what, he isn't withdrawing his support and belief in me. This little girl is also always scared, so I feel like you can get it. Her main residence is hiding in a childhood closet (not something I remember doing, though I did find out there are a few stories of me having done so). Thank you so much for your encouragement.

Monte - Thanks for relating. I kind of got your analogy. I guess the way I was framing it is more like, 2 + ? = 10. And I feel like maybe I am filling in an 8 there, but in reality, it's actually 2 + 1 + 4 + 3 = 10. Like, I am thinking that there is this one single big event that I am being shown that caused my pain to be at 10, but the reality is there are a lot of things that go together to make it that way and I don't know all of those things, so maybe I am just exaggerating this one thing in my head so that things make sense? I don't know. I may have just confused the analogy further, LOL. Thank you for reminding me that the pain and messages we have internally are not things that can be manufactured. Whether I am accurately recalling things exactly as they happened, there is obvious evidence that things in this category of my life went very wrong and a very young age and even if I don't know exactly how or why, the pain is still valid and needs to be explored. That really helps. I think you labeled the three exact reasons for my reluctance to share: defense, shame and fear.

STRM - Thanks for your input. I didn't want to say directly, because I fear sounding like I chalk everything up to parts now-a-days, but yes, it is a specific "voice" who is telling me that I am lying and no one will believe me. In fact, it is a specific part that is telling me about this potential abuse and this particular denial ONLY comes up around this little girl and her story. I feel like I could explain to T as my detached intellectual/observer, "Well, this part has shown us this image and then said such and such sort of statements and was feeling these emotions." However, what we are really trying to get to is that little girl being able to say it herself, in her own words, explaining her own feelings. I just can't get there. She really believes something very bad will happen if she speaks about it and when I try to get more information to pass along the message to my T, she says she will only tell him...except, I can't seem to let her. I don't know if that makes sense. The way she tries to explain it is so fearful that I'm not even sure T would understand what the hell she is saying. I guess being a T for 25+ years and working with kids, he should know how to ask the right questions...

hemlock - Thank you so much for reassuring me of my T's reliability. He really is genuinely one of the best people I've ever met and I know, intellectually, I should trust him with this. Sometimes...it just feels so impossible to trust anyone with anything that has any meaning to me. I so get what you're saying about struggling to disclose, despite knowing you will prolong your suffering. I guess I fear that he will ask more questions and there will just be silence and that will seem like not only the memories are lies, but this child I have trapped inside is a lie too. If he thinks that, as I sometimes get internal accusations, it will be unbearably painful.

NobleDaughter - Thank you for sharing with me. I can really relate to feeling like what I experienced isn't "bad enough." There are so many "so whats" and "whatevers" in my life that I think I could fill the entire state of California with them. It helps to know others are struggling with siblings who unwittingly undermine therapeutic work. You are right that even if the memories are false, they are most likely standing in for something that happened in this particular arena of my life that made me feel very unsafe about it at a young age. It's important to remember that there is verifiable evidence (that even my T has noticed) of extreme unsafety in that area during my childhood. Whether or not things happened exactly as they are coming up, something was not right in a way that is still having an impact today. At the very least, I was exposed to something awfully wrong to have these confusing images in my head...

Thanks so much you guys. I am still trying to work through this. I have my session Tuesday night, so just trying to find a way to get the courage to talk to T about this then. Most of all, I want to learn how to let this child tell her story in her own words without me getting in the way or shutting her down. She obviously never had anyone or anywhere safe to do it and that includes with me, otherwise I would know all this stuff by now...


((((hugs)))) all around. Again, thank you all so much for your support.

Hey Yaku,

I just wanted to clarify (because I guess I forgot earlier..sorry) that what I was saying about writing was to actually write it there in person with him. I did it once with my T to tell her something that I just couldn't say, but I still got the same reaction that I'd get if I actually said it out loud.

Anyway, just a thought that may or may not work for you. My T has suggested it a few times but I've only done it once so far.

((hugs))

Thanks, Kashley. I might try it, but the whole idea is giving me an anxiety attack right now. My session is tomorrow night (waiting to find out if it's 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm). If 9:00, that means a short (well, normal length) session and I'm not sure it would be a good idea to share it. I know T would stay with me as long as it takes for me to be safe, but I don't really want to take advantage of his time if I can avoid it. Errr...wait, am I making excuses to get out of sharing now?

I am freaking out just a bit. I keep hearing something very bad will happen if I tell. I am trying to think of just one simple statement I can make to start the conversation and let T ask questions from there. Every time I do, I am overwhelmed with anxiety and all I can think is, "Please come sit with me!" I feel like she'll feel more protected if he's near. But, I am also scared for him to come sit with me, because it stirs up so much attachment stuff that tends to really intensify things and takes quite a bit of time to disconnect from. But...I don't think I can make another week through these flashbacks without processing them in some way. I'm all shakey.

Sleep evades me again...so I'm here.

Can you just start out by saying, "I'm scared and it's hard to talk"? T should get the message right there and know that he needs to help you talk. He may have suggestions about ways to communicate that may feel a little safer.

If you do get a 9pm appointment, I would share your worries about taking up his time at the start of your session. If he says that you can take as long as you need, then try (I know it's hard..I do the same thing) to take him at his word. Like my T says to me very often (), she would say no if she didn't want to do something.

((hugs)) I hope you'll be able to process this memory at least a little bit to help stabilize things for the moment. Thinking of you.

9pm. So, will probably have to wait. I know he won't tell me not to process it, but I also know from experience that he'll need to wrap up by 10:30 at the latest and he is usually running late, so that means an hour or maybe 1:15 at the most. This is not something I feel certain I can process (even parts of) and ground from in that amount of time. Ugh, I don't know how I am going to make it through the next 22 hours. I feel like I am spinning right now...just terrified for some reason. I don't want to be alone in this, but I have no one but T I feel safe talking to.