I know I have not been around much lately. I've been dealing with a lot at work and the emotional exhaustion took it's toll and most days I'm barely awake long enough to eat dinner. I used to check in here when I was not busy but now I work intensely non-stop all day with barely a bathroom break so I lost that window of time to stop by now and then to catch up with you all. I do try to check my forums though to make sure all is well there. I'm sorry I have not responded on many of the threads that did interest me but I had no time or energy. I do hope that will be changing. Not that I will have time during the day but hopefully I can stay awake in the evenings to do some posting and reading. I do miss this place.

A quick catch up on therapy. We have had a lot of good sessions lately and only one that freaked me out when my T talked to me about at some point burning him out. This was in conjunction with him sort of scolding me about not taking in what he was offering me in the way of care, nurturing and support. He said my fear of asking for too much from him was going to have a paradoxical effect of eventually burning him out and pushing him further and further away from me than if I just took all and everything he could give me. He said it's only natural that it would be easier to offer his care and support to someone who takes all of it and feels "full" rather than to someone who only takes a small tiny taste and remains hungry all the time. We had a bit of back and forth over this but in the end I made the effort to take much more from him and it has turned out well for both of us. Of course during all this my abandonment terror kicked in and he got some emergency phone calls from me.

The focus of all our recent sessions have been to get me to be stronger and more able to stand up for myself at work and to ramp down some of my relentless anxiety. I had been taking Xanax just to get through the work day. I sat on the floor with him one session in total despair of ever being able to get through this. I only wanted to hide to disappeara to cease existing. I was crying all the time, having panic attacks and nightmares. I hated every minute at work and felt as if I had no skin. Everything hurt. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I hung onto T for dear life and he came through for me at each turn. He was always there.

During one session when I told him I didn't know what to do with his care because I felt as if I couldn't possibly deserve all that he gives to me he told me that "deserve" had nothing to do with it. That implies I had to "earn" his care in some way and that was wrong. He gives his care and nurture to me unconditionally. So there is nothing I can do to earn it... nor lose it. It is his to give me and it's given freely with no strings.

We always talk about attachment. It's the center theme of our work. And so he teases me about kicking and screaming while denying the attachment but he feels we are "nicely attached". He then asked me what I think about being attached... what does it mean to me. And I told him that we are connected. He said no, what is the other word for attachment? Again I said connection. He said well okay but there is another word... and so I quietly said "love". He smiled and said yes. We didn't pursue this further as time was actually over and I hated leaving him. Lately, I've been struggling with a bit of panic when I have to leave his office. I know this is attachment related as I'm feeling more comfort and security with him and it's hard to go back to the real (cruel) world. Again, when we spoke of this he told me to call or email him for that connection that will sustain me.

And so... this was my long-winded way of getting to the subject of love. I want to talk to my T about this in more depth. I have actually been feeling this overflow lately of warmth and deep affection for him. He is so good to me (and yes at times he pushes me really hard and I accuse him of beating me up LOL) but he has been my shining light and he still is. I do feel that I love him and I never thought it would be possible to ever feel this again for any T after the trauma of what oldT did to me. It's truly a miracle that I have this relationship and there is love in it. T tells me I have worked really hard to develop this relationship with him and he is proud of me. That is nice to hear.

So, I have been debating how to tell him this. He does not seem scared of that "L" word. He has brought it up himself at times saying that if therapy is done right then it's normal and natural for there to be love. But I'm still terrified of talking about it because I feel that I am somehow at fault for what happened with oldT because I worked so hard to make him care about me and then he got scared and abandoned me and ran. I also printed out those two blogs What a Shrink Thinks and the Burgos one where they talk about the love a T has for a patient and what it means and the significance of it. Of course, I would love to know how he feels about me too.

I told my T this and told him that I feel like if I keep all my feelings about him a secret then he won't know and won't have a reason to run away from me like oldT did. He just keeps telling me that he is NOT oldT. Yes, I do know that but it's still scares me. I thought about telling him at Christmas. Maybe giving him a card and telling him then. I just don't know. The more I think about it the more monumental it seems. They do say that the best Christmas gift of all is... love. Well, at least Hallmark says that

And so... I'm open to any comments or suggestions on how to handle this. I feel like I need to tell him because it's sort of bursting out of me at this point. The silver lining to all the work hell has been that I feel closer than ever to my wonderful T and I just want him to know how I feel.

Thanks for reading. I have been thinking of some other stuff that I will post when I get a chance.

Hugs to all,
TN