So I've just had a horrible session and need to let off some steam....To give a little background I am very new to therapy (about 3 months now) and I'm working through a lot of trauma that happened to me as a teenager. Therapy has not been easy for me. I've buried all this crap for so many years and now that I am finally taking a good hard look at myself, it's completing breaking me.

Lately, in therapy I've really be focusing on an incident (starts with an R and ends with an E, and yes I'm a freaking coward, I won't say the word or type it...) that happened to me when I was 13. Long story short, when it happened my parents blamed me, therefore I have blamed myself for the last 13 years. In therapy, my T is really trying to get me to logically see that it is not my fault. I know I have been resistant every step of the way, it's like I can hear it a million times "it's not your fault" but inside I'm screaming "yes it is! [They] are lying, they weren't there, you did this to yourself..." It's pretty much been eating away at me for the past month. Since "dealing" with this I've started having horrible nightmares, I've lost a lot sleep. I've "freaked out" at work, and at home at my husband. I haven't had a panic attack in years and now I've had 3 or them in the past month. I feel like I'm losing it. So now that all this is out, I've really depending on therapy to help me keep my hold of my sanity. So my T knows all of this.

During my session today I was quieter than normal...T asked my what I was thinking. I told him that I've been feeling really stuck in my head. That the nightmares and my "freak outs" are getting worse. And he asked, "Do you think you it might be good to stopped therapy for a while? Would it make things better?" He said that it could give me time to "put things back". Ok....so does that mean I'm a lost cause. Does that mean that I am incapable of fixing this and that I might as well give up, because it sure feels like it...Seriously, I was obviously not doing well with all this crap before therapy (hence why I started it in the first place). But now it feels like he looks at me like I'm a lost cause, like I should just give up and go back to pushing all this back in my head. This had made me feel like a complete failure. Maybe I'm not progressing fast enough, maybe I'm not cut out for therapy. Maybe I was fine with just letting this crap effect me every once in a while...
I just feel all these crappy feelings bubbling up....fear, anger, sadness...and to top it off I feel like a failure. I just don't know how to handle all of this.